This post is dedicated to those of you who dislike criticism. Let’s all embrace criticism together! :)
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Last week, I was having lunch with a friend P. We started to talk about blogging.
P told me that she has been thinking of starting a blog. She was raised in different parts of the world and is now a permanent resident in Singapore. Despite recently having a baby, she travels every month with her husband and baby as part of exploring the world. She wants to start a blog to dispel myths about how it’s hard to travel (or live a normal life for that matter) after having a child.
“That’s a great idea!” I said.
“Thanks! But there’s something that I feel hesitant about,” she said.
“What’s that?” I asked.
She said that she’s concerned about receiving criticism. She’s a very private person, and starting a blog would require her to share pretty personal things about her life. This is a premature concern since she might not even receive any criticism, but she wouldn’t know how to handle it if she did. Ideally, she wouldn’t want to be caught in that situation. She is just unsure of how the public would respond to her writing.
So I told her that her feelings are unwarranted as criticism is a good thing. Then, I shared why I think that way.
She immediately broke into a huge smile, nodded, and said that it was a great way to look at criticism. She left our lunch meeting saying that she’s going to start viewing criticisms that way from now on.
Embracing Criticism (and Some of the Worst Comments I’ve Received)
What I shared with her are the things I’ve learned about criticism since starting my business.
Not long ago, I posted a comment on Facebook expressing gratitude to my readers for their constant support. I said that they make the occasional “bad stuff” worth it. I received a series of mainly positive responses almost immediately, which warmed my heart.
Among them was one from an ex-colleague, a senior manager from the company I used to work at. She said that whatever negative feedback I receive today should be a breeze since I used to work at a P&G, a multi-national corporation known for its high pressure work environment.
While I understood what she was saying, as my past role in P&G was a high stakes job which came with harsh evaluations and critiques, the feedback was always about the work itself (unless you have a bad manager, in which case it’s still possible to distance yourself and objectify the feedback).
But blogging and the online space? Oh lord. It’s a whole different ball game altogether. The kind of comments you get online has no boundaries. They can basically be anything, from your looks to personal life to family. It’s no longer about the work: it’s about everything, and it can get very ugly as the internet is now flooded with trolls.
Just two weeks ago, I wrote about my enrollment in a dating agency, which was sponsored by the agency itself. Not long after, someone posted two comments insulting me, saying that the article made her “sick to her stomach,” that I had “no integrity,” that I had “prostituted” myself, that I should send my article to “pornhub” (????), and “it is no wonder you are still single” (among some other colorful words).
A while back, I had a photoshoot with SimplyHer (a local magazine) as part of a coaching feature that I did for them. I shared the photos on my blog. A guy, a self-help blogger no less, wrote a sexist email after seeing the photos, asking me to “please lose some weight” because people look up to me for inspiration and I was apparently not inspirational enough because I looked (and I quote him) “too prosperous” in the shoot.
A month ago, someone spammed my articles with various pointless comments. In one of her comments, she flamed me and my ethnicity, saying that I was a joke and I was nothing but a “stupid Azian [sic] girl trying to take over the world” (along with a devil emoji).
And the list goes on. I’ve shared more examples of negative criticisms I’ve received before, but trust me when I say that these are just the tip of the iceberg.
…Yet, I think criticism is good, really good. I didn’t use to think so until I started my blog Personal Excellence. And I’ll explain to you why.
9 Reasons Why Criticism Is Good
Barring the personal nature of the criticisms above, which I’ll get to in a bit, criticism is good for the nine reasons below.
- For someone to criticize you, it means that he/she cared (enough to write that criticism, anyway). The person could have used that time to do something else, but no, he/she bothered to send you that message, showing that he/she cared. This has got to count for something.
- You are reaching new people. Every time I receive criticism, I celebrate because that means that I have just reached someone new — someone who doesn’t necessarily agree with what I say/do. I think what’s most worrying is if I don’t get any criticism at all. That would mean that I’m inside my comfort zone and I’m just connecting with the same people every day. You want to spread your life’s message to as many people as you can. Receiving criticism means that you are now reaching people whom you’ve never reached before. That means that you are touching more lives than before. That’s a really great thing.
- People wouldn’t criticize you if they didn’t think you were worth criticizing. To be honest, there are tons of things worth critiquing out there. But not everyone takes the time to criticize things that they don’t agree with. Why? That’s because they don’t feel that those things are worth their criticisms at all. If someone is criticizing you, that probably means that there’s something about you that is worth them taking the time to criticize. If you look at the most prominent figures in this world today, from Oprah Winfrey to Steve Jobs to Lady Gaga, all of them have large groups of detractors. Why? It’s because each of them stands for a great message — a message that shakes others and stirs their souls. As Winston Churchill once put it, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
- Criticism lets you see things in a different light. Criticism arises as a result of a conflict in thoughts. You did or said something and someone has a different opinion and hence the criticism. Hence, whenever you receive criticism, you are hearing a different viewpoint — one which you may have never considered before. This criticism helps you see things from a different angle, hence raising your awareness.
- Criticism is a form of honesty as it lets you know what others truly think. I prefer to be with someone who openly shares what he/she thinks rather than someone who thinks those very thoughts BUT keeps them to him/herself. With the first person, at least what I see is what I get. With the latter, the relationship becomes a guessing game. What I do after hearing the critique is a separate thing altogether (I can choose to listen to that critique or discard it), but at least I’m now aware of what the person thinks and where he/she stands.
- Criticism helps you improve. Criticism lets you know your blind spots so that you can work on them. The more blind spots you uncover about yourself, the faster you grow. Over the years, I have learned many things about myself based on others’ criticisms about me and my work. Some have helped me learn things that I never knew about myself, and this has been instrumental to my growth.
- Criticism helps you learn about your defense mechanisms. In Be a Better Me in 30 Days task for day 15 on “Reflect on a Criticism,” I mentioned that there are two things we can learn from criticisms: Firstly, the thing that is being critiqued. Secondly, our reaction to that criticism. Even when I get a piece of criticism which has no validity, I still learn a ton about myself based on the emotions that surface when receiving the criticism and how I react. I’ve learned that my reactions are usually a reflection of unprocessed inner issues. Working through these reactions has helped me become a calmer and more conscious person.
- Criticism helps you learn more about others. Every criticism tells you something about yourself and the other person. When you break down the comment, you can understand the critic’s point of view, beliefs, and values. This is helpful in furthering your relationship with him/her. For example, if your mom criticizes you for being rude to her, maybe it tells you that she is hurt by your actions. She is looking for love and affirmation in the relationship but your words and actions (whether they are really rude or not) are denying her that. Hence, it indicates that you should show love to your mom in a way that she understands rather than relying on implicit actions.
- Criticism can jolt you into action. Ever had a time where a criticism kicked you into action? I’ve had that. Sometimes, criticism provides that wake-up call that you have been missing. Perhaps you have been doing something wrong but the people around you are just too nice to let you know, or they are oblivious to the issue just like you. A well-timed criticism, delivered in an appropriate manner, can provide a much-needed insight which then ignites you into action.
When Criticism Isn’t Good
At the same time, it’s important to note that there are two situations when criticism can be detrimental.
#1: When criticism is the only thing you get every day
The first situation would be when you constantly get criticisms without a breather. Besides it being a serious energy suck, constant criticism can divert you from the things that really matter. Because rather than work on your goals, you’re too busy reacting to others or resolving conflicts between you and other people.
Some examples would be parents who criticize their kids 24/7; teachers who keep criticizing their students rather than praise their talents; and someone whose work involves dealing with a public audience (such as teachers, writers, bloggers, and public figures).
If you’re getting so much criticism to the point that it’s hindering rather than enabling you, some suggestions I have for you are
- Learn not to let criticism faze you. Read: How to Deal With Critical People
- Don’t spend your time on the criticism. Use it for the things that really matter. Read: Put First Things First
- If the criticism is mainly coming from a person, assert yourself to him/her. Tell him/her that you get his/her point, but this isn’t what you want to be dealing with at the moment. Check out: How To Be Assertive, Not Aggressive [Podcast]
- Create boundaries for how criticism can reach you. For example, I set specific channels where readers can openly share feedback (such as my Facebook page and my contact form). I used to have commenting sections on my blog but they are now closed as it became difficult for me to manage the countless random comments posted every day — many of which became very low-quality critiques over time. This has helped me stay focused on what I need to do.
#2: When the criticism isn’t constructive or gets personal
The second situation is when the criticism isn’t constructive or gets personal or offensive. The blog comments that I shared earlier in the article are examples of that.
When that happens, it’s a violation of your rights. Put these people in their place by asserting your rights. Block or remove them if you’re running an online community. Cut out chronic critics from your life if you have to.
Read: How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide
Start Embracing Criticism
Here are other resources I’ve created on handling criticism:
- 8 Tips To Deal With Critical People | Manifesto
- 8 Tips To Tackle Naysayers | Manifesto
- Empty Vessels Make the Most Noise
- Online Negativity: How To Create a Better Internet for Everyone
- 5 Tips To Deal With Negative Criticism [Video]
- Be a Better Me in 30 Days, Day 15: Reflect on a Criticism
At the same time, it’s important to learn to provide constructive criticism to others. Here’s a quote by A.C. Benson that I absolutely love:
“People seldom refuse help, if one offers it in the right way.”
How true is that? :) If someone isn’t taking to your well-intended feedback kindly, perhaps it reflects that you aren’t delivering your feedback in the right manner. Here’s an article that will help: How To Give Constructive Criticism: 6 Helpful Tips
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This article is timely! I just received my first ever real criticism on my blog, and how I reacted to it was pretty instructive. I don’t feel that the criticism was valid, but this person hit a few sore spots without even knowing me. I could brush some of it off by thinking, “She wouldn’t have said this if she knew me,” but my immediate reaction was very defensive, and I spent way too long thinking about ways to refute her.
I said my piece and she just kept at it. I thought about continuing to engage her, because it was clear she didn’t “get” what I was trying to convey, but then I realized that I was just spending way too much time thinking about it. I’ve managed to laugh it off for the most part- I haven’t had a teenager be patronizing with me in 30 years- but my initial reaction certainly showed me that my skin is way too thin.
You make a good point about the type of criticism too. Even though I tended to take criticism at work more personally than I should have, there was still that boundary that really kept it from being personal. Besides, I was usually so confident that 99 percent of what I was doing was good, that the occasional criticism- even tactlessly delivered- usually didn’t hit me too hard.
When I was younger, I was pretty serious about classical piano, and participated in a lot of workshops, where you’d play in front of a “judge,” usually a music professor and other students. The professor would pick your work apart in detail, in front of everyone. For some reason, this never bothered me. Maybe because I knew I still had a lot to learn, but also because some of these professors were extremely good at criticizing constructively. It was usually delivered in a way that made you feel that you were perfectly capable of doing what was suggested- maybe you just hadn’t thought of it. I usually left those situations feeling really good about my work.
Maybe the criticism of my blog post was harder on me because I don’t feel completely confident that I’m doing a great job. The commenter also made assumptions that I lacked some of the things of which I am most proud, like my education and ability to write well. It momentarily made me worry that the way in which I present myself is not quite what I’m aiming for.
Both giving and receiving criticism is hard! That’s why I really appreciate those who can do it well.
I think, that often criticism tells more about the person, who critiques than about the real issue. It’s even more true in second case – when criticism is not good and gets personal. One example would be teachers lashing out their frustration on students, calling them “not able to learn”, “not making progress”, “untalented” or plainly “stupid”. I think, it tells, that inside teachers mind (probably unconsciously) goes on the thought: “I’m frustrated, because I can’t find a way to explain the material to those students. But if I’ll admit, that it’s my fault, they will have no respect for me, so I’d rather make them feel worthless and damage their confidence.” Or in other words “I’m afraid, that they will notice, that I’m a bad teacher”. Most likely those people also have damaged self image and probably mix roles, thinking, that being “bad teacher” also means being “bad person”. What the student can indeed take away from those criticisms is “I need another approach/method/teacher”.
There are countless examples – I’m sure, you can see, what led those people, who left harsh comments act so. No, they don’t care about you. They care about themselves and lashing out is just a wrongly chosen defense mechanism.
I think the teachers in these cases do care, even if a little bit, just that perhaps they need to learn how to manage their emotions and present their criticisms in a more constructive manner. Even the three examples I cited in the article do care in a way; if they didn’t, they wouldn’t have left the comments. They might not care in the same way as a genuine friend or a sincere reader, but they still care in some way (on a different type of capacity).
I also tend to shy away from the common thought about criticism “being more about the critic than about the receiver” (even if the criticism is personal). I believe I wrote about this in 30BBM, in the Day 18 task on Reflect on a Criticism. I feel that such an approach tends to denounce our responsibility in situations where people offer criticism or the things we can learn from criticism. It also tends to be the “easy way out”; probably helpful if the receiver feels traumatized by the comment and just wants to get away from it, but it misses him/her out on lessons or insights that can be learned.
For example, example of the person above who asked me to lose weight. On his end he probably had some personal image issues and sexist notions that females in the society should be at a certain weight or should have a certain look to be considered inspirational. That’s fine and it’s his views; I can’t change them and I shouldn’t. I respect them (in the sense that I respect that everyone has his/her own opinion).
On my end, the reflection point is that some people might have thought that I was heavy or that I looked heavy after looking at the photos (though I was not overweight and I had never been overweight my entire life). Some people, people with fundamentalist views possibly or people in image-conscious societies, might view me as less inspirational due to my look or weight. That doesn’t mean that someone in my situation should lose weight as the next step (I just brushed away the comment), but properly reflecting on that criticism (rather than denouncing it right when I received it) helped me to get insight about my situation and what others think about it.
Whatever the person decides to do thereafter is his/her own choice, but at least there is an insight gained (vs. just concluding “Oh okay this person is a d*ck and this criticism is more about him than me.” or “This criticism is everything about him and nothing about me; I’m great and there is nothing wrong with me.”). This approach tends to make one miss out on some valuable lessons that can be learned from people’s comments (even when harsh, insensitive, and distasteful).
I agree with you, Celes, that criticism can be a good thing *but* only as long as it is constructive – I couldn’t agree more with that A. Benson quote!
I don’t actually get a lot of criticism – and no, I’m not saying that I’m a perfect person and everybody loves everything I do, lol. It’s just that I have a peaceful nature, I try to find a common ground whenever there are diverging opinions on certain things and when I do something inefficiently or without the outcome which was desired by the person who asked me to do it, then usually they tell me about it in a nice manner, more like an advice than as a criticism (somehow the fact that I’m calm and that I want to keep everything okay&peaceful gets to them and makes them act the same way towards me; that’s why I’m a firm believer of “Kindness breeds more kindness”).
A situation where criticism initially hurt me, but then made me learn something important, was during a period of time when my mother used to tell me that I’m slow, that I don’t move as fast as her in the kitchen, that I take ages to clean a room and I felt really upset and angry. “How can she say that?! I work a lot around the house, why isn’t she satisfied?!”. However, after taking my time and thinking everything through, I came to realize that my mother didn’t mean to be rude or to upset me, she didn’t mean to say “Oh, hey, you never do anything around the house or you do it poorly”. Actually, she just wanted to assure that I’d become a hard-working, diligent person, who sees housework (and not only) as something positive which influences our lives in a good way and therefore it should be done without resentment, without dedication (which in turn would lead to poor results). On the other hand, I think it would have been different if she told me these things in a calm way, during a conversation instead of making it sound rather harsh at first.
So this is my take on criticism. It is important for personal development as long as it is put across in a nice, constructive manner and, also, as long as it is taken with the same calm attitude, analyzed and reduced to certain conclusions, instead of backfiring at the persons who offer the criticism.
Thank you so much for sharing, Celes! I have mixed feelings about criticism, which you highlighted. I don’t like criticism, and I do worry about getting it myself. But I totally agree with you that when you are really being true to yourself and taking a stand, that is when you get a reaction that people aren’t always going to agree with and that’s a *good* thing! :)
~Christina
Celes
Useful stuff. thank you.
Basis for MANY self-assessment questions should anyone be interested.
P.S. Your eMails include a “Reply-To” line …
“Reply-To: Personal Excellence ”
Seems reasonable, if you do not want eMail responses, to remove that line from your eMails.
DickWeb, the reply-to line is part of the email client. I don’t think it has anything to do on the sender’s end. The best I have done (since a while back) is to set the reply-to email as “donotreply [at] personalexcellence [dot] co” which tells people that this is not a valid email address (any email to that address also bounces and returns to the sender).
What do you think about criticism? Why?
Criticism is when people judge you on things they think you should have or should have not done. It is more than likely a reminder to themselves of what and how they would like to be.
Criticism can be very useful as it tells me that it may be time to change how I go about doing something.
When I see/hear someone I respect making an error, in my opinion, I feel disappointed that this person has not lived up to my expectations of them.
Lessons learnt from criticism –
when everyone is saying the same thing about something it is definitely time to start taking action to change the consequences.
Excellent point Celes, about what we can learn about ourselves and others from being criticized.
“Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.” – Bill Gates
Hey Bob, I like that you considered the situation from the point of view of giving criticism. The kind of criticism we give to others is definitely a learning point for ourselves as well.
I also love that quote by Bill Gates. Thanks a lot for sharing, Bob. I’m going to schedule it as one of the quotes in the PE Quotes section. :D
It is a good quote to ponder on and come back to again and again.
I find that criticism is difficult to give with tact and the appropriate level of warmth. It is the fine balance between intention to correct but not to harm or offend.
Hey Bob! I’m not sure if you’ve checked out the article on constructive criticism before. I personally apply all the tips there and I’ve found them very helpful in providing criticism that is helpful and well received by others.
Nicely done, Celes! Nicely done.
I tend to view volunteered criticism as free consulting. As you said…if someone cares enough to criticize, they care. Perhaps about the wrong thing, but they care. So I skim it for opportunities for me to improve. If it isn’t purely insulting and still hits a tender spot, that gives me an area to consider working on. Since I follow a structured approach to self-development, I put any relevant points from the criticism into that structure.
My best to you,
Andrew
Hey Andrew, it’s been a while! :D Totally agree with what you have said. Be it about the subject in question or the reaction to the criticism, it’s definitely something to learn from, and that’s why I find criticism helpful (but not in the two exception cases as I’ve mentioned above). I also love what you’ve said about it as free consulting. I think that’s a really great way to look at criticism.
Hello Celes !!
First of let me tell you that it was a great read :clap: . Usually I don’t get time to go through all of your posts :( . But this one caught my eyes. Hats off to you for how you are taking criticism positively :bow: . And I observed one thing that your way of representing your ideas is fantastic. Its so great to read you.
Just one word of advice from my own experience is that some times ( well I think most of the time) you just need to ignore these kind of people coz even if you are right, these people will still try to demoralize you.
Moreover if you will keep on giving more space to such criticism in your thoughts it will start making you loose your confidence.
So just be like that and keep it up ! :cool:
YOU ARE COOL ;)
P.S : Please delete my earlier reply, I posted it in wrong place.
Hey Dilip, thanks for your comments! :D I think one can only lose confidence if the person lets the criticism get to him/her. No one and no comment can make us feel a certain way unless we allow the person/comment to do so. I covered it in Tip #6 of the article on how to deal with critical people.
Yes, I guess you are right. Though, after some thinking, I would like to add that when there is criticism that comes one’s way, it should be carefully analysed to see if there is any truth in it. If there is correction can be made accordingly. On the other hand, if others’ criticism is ignored or there is a tendency to defend oneself, there cannot be any correction and mistakes are repeated.
So when I listen to others with honesty, I am able to discover even the most negligible aspect in my behaviour which I can change. So I find myself constantly improving and progressing and moving on towards success. So having brought about a change, even the criticism that comes my way stops.
This is great. If all of us were taking criticism in a positive way, we would be living in more harmony.
I agree that criticism is an important part of growth. And that it can be difficult to deal with some times.
See it as a chestnut. I wouldn’t eat a chestnut whole, and I don’t think you would either. We crack the chestnut’s hard shell, and eat the soft, yummy part inside.
So I try to do the same with criticism. I don’t take it at face value, but instead I analyze it, try to separate the emotional part from the objective part, and judge if it is relevant to me and if I can use it to make myself better.
I’m more interested, however, in the art of skillfully and diplomatically delivering criticism.
You linked to an article where you write about the compliment / criticism / compliment sandwich technique. I don’t like it; even when the compliments are honest (and they always should be) I think it feels like a ruse and any moderately intelligent person will see right trough it, and probably feel annoyed by it. It feels a bit like talking to an adult as if he/she was a toddler.
I’ve seen a variation being employed, where someone casually and very briefly drops a criticism in the middle of a mostly positive speech, but I’m not a fan of that as well.
So I mostly refrain from criticizing people; I try to only to so when directly asked for feedback. Yet, as I myself feel that criticism is often to my benefit, I feel that I am sometimes doing a disservice to others for not thinking of a good way in which to offer criticism.
I think that you offer some good advice on that linked article, yet I’ve found that people in general are just not receptive to it, even when delivered in a very diplomactic manner.
Do you have any further thoughs, Celes?
Hey Luis, this is not the first time I’ve heard someone criticize the feedback sandwich in this manner, so I understand what you are getting at.
To be honest though, I’m not sure why it would have to be interpreted that way at all and I do think it’s quite a cynical take on the technique. I don’t know what there is to “see through”; it’s not like the person giving the critique is trying to create a ruse. I see it as a genuine method of giving feedback, and a useful structure to organize one’s feedback.
I feel that some of people’s cynicism with such a method might come from the individual’s resistance or discomfort with being “complimented” or “praised”. It might also come from them feeling that other people feel that they will “not be able to take the heat”, and hence having to “dumb down” their critiques for them. Both are more reflections of the feedback receiver’s personal hangups (I feel) than a real problem with the technique itself.
Personally, I much appreciate it when someone who uses the feedback sandwich method than someone who jumps right to talking about the things he/she doesn’t like. It has nothing to do with the feel-good factor of hearing compliments (I can’t care less about that), but for a practical reason. By focusing on the positive stuff, it is a great way to let the other party know the strengths and the things that he/she is doing right. This lays the foundation for the next step, which is to build on the areas of opportunity. (I have mentioned this in the article on constructive criticism as well.)
For example, if I ask someone to critique my blog, I’m interested to know what I’m doing right and what I’m doing that can be improved. Say someone says, “Too many grammar mistakes. Please write shorter articles.” Sure, that tells me something, and I do get an idea of problem areas to work on. But jumping straight to the problem areas (or areas the person doesn’t like) is only giving me half the picture. It’s incomplete. It opens up some questions as to what exactly the person has problem areas with. (Shorter articles? Why? Articles too long because the person doesn’t have time to read? Or articles too lengthy? Or too heavy to read? Or what?)
As opposed to someone who says, “I like the content; the personal stories add flavor and richness. They are very useful to read. However, the grammar mistakes can be reduced to improve reading experience. Also, more headers can be used to aid the reading process.” That’s a lot more helpful, because it lets me know that this person actually finds the content helpful, and what I need to address are the execution aspects of writing, say the organization/sectioning and the language errors.
I do think that there are some people who apply the feedback sandwich method too robotically, resulting in the comments sounding disingenuous. But usually that has to do with the individual’s misapplication of the method than an issue with the method IMO. I’ve personally had tons of great experience with the feedback sandwich method (both being the user and receiver), and some readers have also applied the method with great results (at least from what they have told me).
At the end of the day, I think one should use the method that the receiver is most accustomed to. So it’s possible some people might not react well to the feedback sandwich method-if so, then use the method that is best for him/her. If the individual is someone who wants to ONLY hear the bad stuff and nothing good AT ALL, then maybe one can focus on dishing out only the areas of improvement. (I actually knew someone who seriously hated having people compliment her and wanted people to just tell her in her face what they were not happy about her, even when they didn’t have such intentions. I did think a lot of it stemmed from her own self-hate issues though.)
Bad implementation of to technique might be one of my issues when seeing it employed, yes. I dislike it a lot when it is directed at me – while I take no pleasure in being berated, I do respect people that shoot straight.
When I absolutely must offer critique on someone, I try to focus on indirect critique. I do this by offering sincere suggestions on how someone may do something better, and focusing on the benefit that would bring them.
For example, if I agreed with the person that said you should lose weight, I would phrase this way:
“Congratulations on your photoshoot! It must have taken a lot of courage to expose yourself so much, seeing that so many people look up to you. I can see that moving forward, you’ll take even more care of your physical form as to inspire people even more.”
Of course, it is easier to craft a good critique in writing than it is in a conversation; the golden rule there would be: think well before you talk. ;)
Hey Luis! I’m actually a little curious. You mentioned that you dislike it when people give you indirect critique; if so, then why do you try to focus on indirect critique then? You mentioned “I’ve seen a variation being employed, where someone casually and very briefly drops a criticism in the middle of a mostly positive speech, but I’m not a fan of that as well.” So why do you do that? I’m just genuinely asking the question; I’m not trying to poke holes or discredit what you’re doing. I respect your genuinity and good intentions to make others feel good while delivering critiques.
Regarding the weight comment, here is an example of how I would phrase the comment, in application of the feedback sandwich method:
Positive: I love the shots! You look great in them and I like your pose in the final shot. (Of course, this has to be a genuine comment, and not just some fluff written to pad the space before next part, on the area(s) of improvement.)
Improvement: While I think you are at a perfectly fine and healthy weight and you look great as you are, I think some of the shots made you look heavier than the usual person though. I thought perhaps you would look much better if you lose a few pounds! That was just a thought that came to my mind.
Positive (Concluding): Congratulations on the shoot! Look forward to more features like this in the future. :D
I’m actually not too sure about your version of the weight critique. I would have preferred that guy’s original comment (even if it was tactless), because your version doesn’t tell me anything about what needs to be done (or at least what the sender feels needs to be done). For example, “take even more care of your physical form” seemed like an insinuation that the receiver is not taking care of his/her physical form, which may not be true at all and may be interpreted as an insult. The other thing is that the comment is so ambiguous that it lost the intended message (which is to lose weight). A thought that came in my mind was, “Physical form? What physical form?” It came across as “this sender has something that he/she wants to say, but is beating about the bush”, which can easily create a disingenuous and sticky atmosphere (IMO).
(The funny thing about this comment is that it has now become a critique on a critique. Inception, anyone?)
On a side note, I want to make a clarification regarding that guy who made the weight comment, in case anyone didn’t get my intent right. My issue wasn’t with how the guy phrased his comment. I personally did/do not care how it was phrased (like I mentioned in the article, I focus on the “how” and not the “what” of the message).
My issue was the implicit assumption that one must be at a certain weight or look a certain way to be considered inspiring; also I believe that he had made that comment in consideration that I’m a female, which made it sexist. For one, like I had mentioned in my comment to Vellata (below), I was not overweight during the shoot and I have never been overweight in my life, so the suggestion that there was an issue with my weight (when it was a perfectly healthy figure and weight) really doesn’t help the perpetuating societal obsession with body weight (especially for females) and eating disorders. If sticky skinny is the new “healthy”, it’s no wonder so many females have eating disorders today.
Two, it didn’t matter even if I was or if anyone was overweight; consider figures like Oprah Winfrey and Susan Boyle, who are extremely heavy set but inspire millions in the world. (They should lose weight for health reasons and so on, but the suggestion that a female’s weight (or anyone’s weight for that matter) affects her ability to inspire is incredibly insulting IMO.)
Just wanted to set the record straight. I plan to write articles in the future regarding body image, unhealthy societal fixations on a certain body form or shape (though I’ve already partly covered that in the recent beauty article, and more.
No problem at all, Celes. Often times I use writing (and discussing) as a way to formulate and organize my thoughts on a subject, and as such I am aware that I might be unclear on some points, or even end up with holes in my logic. I’m happy with that, as it means I am thinking about things as I write them, and not just transcribing truths that are set in stone in my mind. I like to keep my mind as stone-free as possible.
I use indirect criticism as I described not because I like it, but because I haven’t found a better alternative, and that was the motivation for me posting here; trying to find out viable alternatives. One must do with the tools one has – and more than anything, I genuinely try avoid offering critique unless directly asked to.
Personally, I prefer people to be straight with me. But as I work with people every day, both as a physician and as a life-coach, I have found that most people don’t like it like that. Everyone is different, so even if I don’t particularly like the method, I won’t be so arrogant as to exclude it from my toolbox! :)
You wrote:
“I’m actually not too sure about your version of the weight critique. I would have preferred that guy’s original comment (even if it was tactless), because your version doesn’t tell me anything about what needs to be done (or at least what the sender feels needs to be done). For example, “take even more care of your physical form” seemed like an insinuation that the receiver is not taking care of his/her physical form, which may not be true at all and may be interpreted as an insult. The other thing is that the comment is so ambiguous that it lost the intended message (which is to lose weight). A thought that came in my mind was, “Physical form? What physical form?” It came across as “this sender has something that he/she wants to say, but is beating about the bush”, which can easily create a disingenuous and sticky atmosphere (IMO).”
You are quite right on that point, I was too ambiguous. I should have chosen my words more carefully and kept the same structure but being clear about what I thought you should improve.
And also:
“My issue was the implicit assumption that one must be at a certain weight or look a certain way to be considered inspiring; also I believe that he had made that comment in consideration that I’m a female, which made it sexist.
[…]
it didn’t matter even if I was or if anyone was overweight; consider figures like Oprah Winfrey and Susan Boyle, who are extremely heavy set but inspire millions in the world. (They should lose weight for health reasons and so on, but the suggestion that a female’s weight (or anyone’s weight for that matter) affects her ability to inspire is incredibly insulting IMO.)”
I would go further and suggest that someone that seeks to inspire people should actually display their personal flaws. No-one is perfect, so it’s disingenuous to pretend it.
How are others supposed to empathise with Mr. or Ms. perfect? How can such a person understand our struggles and difficulties? Owning up to our flaws will do much more to endear us to others that to show off how incredibly smart/talented/beautiful (that’s me, by the way! =D Also, modest. ) /spiritually fulfilled we are.
I wear my flaws openly on my sleeve. I am aware of them, and try to minimize them for my sake, but I don’t try to hide them. I’m sure no-one would like me if I was perfect. :D
That’s definitely true, Luis! I totally agree with you and that’s something which I focus on doing on PE as well. I personally refer to them as areas of improvement rather than “flaws” though, as I think the latter tends to have the connotation that there’s something wrong about those things in question and there’s an evaluation scale that marks whether they are “flawless” or “flawed” (when there’s no right or wrong; I personally see the perfection in imperfection). I think there is strength in showcasing “vulnerability” as some might call it (I see it as authenticity and realness), and true strength actually comes from being vulnerable and learning to be true to oneself.
I like that you try to be thoughtful and add something supportive with comments/critique. I think that’s a great trait which I’m sure your clients really appreciate. :D
I think I have to request a manifesto again for this one Celes, haha! I’m not sure if it’s worth the time as you have one on dealing with critical people and giving criticism, but I certainly know I’d use it. =p
The reason I like this is because I don’t deal with criticism well. I try to, but I don’t have a thick skin and so I can be easily hurt/affected by it. If someone criticizes me I tend to go into “what’s wrong with me?” mode and totally over think the situation until I feel awful about myself and wonder why I even try. Yes, sounds as dramatic as it is, but I have an over-active imagination when it comes to these things. ^^;
The worst is when I ask for criticism and I think I can handle it, but then before I know it I let any negativity really bring me down. It’s like I go in thinking I’ll be able to handle it, but my past experiences seem to automatically make me go into “woe is me” mode. It’s awful when I get moody like that, but I almost can’t seem to make it stop happening. I guess I do it subconsciously with the hope that if I take it bad, the other person will say something positive and make me feel better, but I hate that I seem to “guilt” people into saying things they may not mean just so I feel assured of myself.
Anyway, great tips as always! I’m surprised I didn’t respond to this earlier, so I knew I had to come back and comment on it. =) This is another article that will be super useful to me in the future!
Hey Alexa, thanks for your suggestion! :D I think I’ll probably pass on this suggestion though, as I want to keep the manifestos solution-focused (like “How to…” rather than “Why…” type topics). The solution-focused topics are more useful for most readers than explanation or justification-type topics (where you read once, get the idea, and there’s no need to refer to them again-not in the same way as the ‘how-to’ topics, any way).
I’m so sorry to hear about your general experiences with criticism. I think you’ll definitely find the tips in this article very useful in overcoming the situation you are in.
I think #4, on seeing things in a different light, is a great one for me. What helped me to truly embrace criticism today is actually #2, on reaching new people. That resonates with me a lot because my passion is to reach more people, so whenever I get a new criticism, that actually serves as an indicator that I’m making progress in my goal (to reach more people)! That’s why every new criticism I get, I celebrate it; I don’t feel dreadful or weary or negative about it but see it as an awesome milestone that has been achieved.
If you can find a way to re-frame your resistance toward criticism, that might actually help you to permanently overcome the hesitance and embrace criticism fully.
Thanks for the thoughts, Celes! And no worries, I totally see what you mean in wanting to keep it “how to”. =)
I’ll definitely have to try and find a way to reframe criticism so I don’t resist it. It’s one of those things I’m afraid of when I know I shouldn’t be, so hopefully I can figure out a thought/frame of mind that works! =)
Thanks for understanding, Alexa! :D Not sure if you have already done this, but maybe you can print out the article (the portion with just the 9 reasons), which can serve as a great pinup for the noticeboard. :D
Thanks, Celes! That’s exactly the part I clipped into Evernote haha! =)
Hey Celes,
I REALLY enjoyed this article. It definitely changed my perspective on criticism. Kudos to you! Keep up the great work.
:heart: :heart: :heart:
Thanks for your kind words Anna! I really appreciate it. :D
Hello
I deeply inspired by this website today.I understand the purpose of life…..Now i am very eager to fix my goals and then start working……Thanks for such an inspiration in life….I am going with start with creating a life handbook………
That’s great, Muthiah. :D Thanks so much for sharing and I wish you all the best with your life handbook!
Awesome piece of article! It can be painful to receive criticism as we have put in effort and then the icy cold water came pouring down. The initial emotion can be hard to deal with. But if we continue to take those criticism in a positive note, we will look at it only as a feedback. Then the question of do I want to take note of these feedbacks. Truth is some are valuable, some are just personal attacks.
The first time I was doing a presentation for an hour, feedback from the audience on the spot was “a lousy speaker.” That was my biggest take away. It seems like a personal attack, but really the audience was pointing to my performance.
Thank you for inspiring the world and me in your own way!
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