(Image)
“Hi Celes, I’m have social phobia/anxiety. [When I’m around people,] I can be relaxed sometimes, but most of the time I get nervous and I can’t think of anything. I want to be sociable and talkative like other people. What can I do? How can I overcome this? Please help me. Thanks a lot. — Enes
Hi Celes, besides professional help, do you have any tips for someone who suffers from social anxiety?” — Tina
Do you have social anxiety? Do you feel anxious when you are around other people, especially people you are meeting for the first time? Are you worried about how people may perceive you? Do you fear interacting with other people, because you are afraid you would slip up, make a fool of yourself, and create a bad impression in others’ minds? Do you sometimes go to great lengths just to avoid facing or interacting with other people?
Social anxiety is a common problem many face, perhaps more than one may realize. For every run of Live a Better Life in 30 Days and Be a Better Me in 30 Days, I often read about participants who have social anxiety problems, beginning as early as when they were young. Some of them face mild anxiety problems in the form of sweaty palms and mind blocks when they meet new people. Some face more severe problems, where they experience intense fear of being around people, even going to great lengths just to avoid such situations.
In today’s article, I’ll be sharing the one fundamental reason why people have social anxiety. (And no, contrary to what many of you may think, it really has nothing to do with lack of confidence or fear of interaction.) I’ll share the fundamental mindset shift that, when you apply it, will eliminate social anxiety from your life.
Even for those of you who do not experience social anxiety, this “tip” that I’ll be sharing will help you increase the quality of your relationships by 300 to 400%. You will realize that whatever disputes, anxiousness, unhappiness, and fear you may experience in your relationships are totally redundant. This is the mindset which I’ve been using for the past 3-4 years and has helped me gain tremendously in the area of relationships.
Enter Tom, a Shy, Socially Anxious Person
To illustrate the essence of what I’m going to share, I will use an example.
Imagine Tom, a shy, secluded, and socially withdrawn person. Like most people who are socially withdrawn, Tom has social anxiety problems. Whenever he meets someone new, he tends to clam up and not know what to say. He also feels nervous as he wonders whether he’s doing anything stupid which may give the person a bad impression of him. Sometimes he blabbers off and says something silly, makes the situation worse. Awkward silences are all too familiar to him. The situation worsens by two to three fold when it’s a girl, because he has a high tendency to turn red which gives his anxiety away.
Here, you see multiple signs of anxiety at work. Lack of confidence, mental block, nervousness, second-guessing himself during the interaction, stuttering, flushing, and so on. For those of you with social anxiety (be it mild or severe), you can probably relate to this.
Now, let’s examine Tom when he interacts with people he knows, such as his good friend Chandler from high school, whom he has known for more than 20 years. Chandler is like his brother. Tom has no problem talking to him, asking questions, making small talk, answering questions, and having a conversation in general. He feels at ease and behaves totally like himself. Tom also does not feel any need to please or instill a good impression of himself in Chandler – because that’s Chandler, his best bud, right there. Chandler knows him, he knows Chandler, and there’s no distance between them, so to speak.
What just happened here? As you can see, Tom is able to behave totally normal when he’s with his best friend. But why is it different when he’s around other people?
The Reason Behind Society Anxiety (and the Key To Meaningful, Fulfilling Relationships)
This difference in behavior is because Tom perceives other people in a different manner than he perceives Chandler.
You see, in Tom’s mind, he perceives Chandler as his very good friend whom he trusts, relies on, and enjoys spending time with. There’s no reason to be nervous around Chandler since they are so close to each other, like brothers. It’s like Tom being nervous when he’s by himself. It’s silly.
On the other hand, Tom sees people he doesn’t know as people who are separate from him – distant, ambiguous, and alien. Not knowing who these people are, how they are like, and what their intentions are, he views them with great caution and keeps them at a distance so as to protect himself. He also feels a need to project a certain image around them, since he wants to give others a good impression of himself.
He does this to everyone he meets, until time passes, trust is built, the walls come down, a relationship is formed, and it is proven that the people he is with are good-hearted, trustworthy, reliable, and genuine people.
Tom’s perception of people is pretty much the same way most people out there view others. Most people in our society perceive other people as foreign, unknown beings who have no place in their lives (that is, until their paths cross). They view people as separate from them, until they get to know the other people well enough to consider as a part of them. This separation mindset is the source of all your social anxiety and relationship problems.
Separation Mindset: Viewing People as Separate From You
Characteristics of Separation Mindset
Here are the typical characteristics of someone with a separation mindset:
- You see people as separate from you. They have no connection or relation to who you are.
- You are often worried about the opinions others have of you.
- When meeting someone new, you are obsessed with giving the right (first) impressions, rather than fostering a connection.
- By default, you do not open yourself up, nor do you fully give your trust to someone, until he/she has proved deserving of it. This is a safeguard to prevent yourself from ever getting hurt.
- Because of that, you take time to warm up to people, before you become at ease around them, and reveal who you really are. Before that happens, you usually project a front that is totally different from how you normally are.
- You see the world as a cold, dark, and dangerous place with malicious people out there to hurt you (or others). E.g., If someone approaches you in a foreign land, your first instinct would be to wonder if the person is trying to pick your pocket or rip you off, rather than anything else.
- By default, you question people’s intentions (especially if it’s someone you don’t know), because as your parents always say, “You never know if others have ulterior motives.” and you prefer to err on the safe side.
Problems with Separation Mindset
The separation mindset is one that is marked by fear. It is pretty much the source of all issues when it comes to social situations and relationships. (Note: by relationships, I’m referring to all kinds of relationships, including friendships, business relationships, romantic relationships, familial relationships, etc).
Here are common problems that someone with a separation mindset would face:
- It takes time for relationships to build. As opposed to getting right into the heart of connecting with people right away, there is often a lot of time spent dancing around the edges before you get to know the people better. For people with deep separation mindsets, it takes even longer.
- You create a lot of unnecessary tension for yourself, between yourself and the other person, and for the other person in a relationship.
- In social situations, you are often concerned with whether you’re giving the right impression, rather than focusing on the interaction between you and the other person.
- You drive away great people and great relationships (be it potential friends or potential romantic partners), without even knowing it yourself. That’s because you erect so many crazy barriers for someone to know you and to get close to you, such that it becomes a pointless endeavor for the other party at the end of the day.
- You are often second guessing other people’s intentions, rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt.
- You often have problems meeting nice people, be it friends or romantic partners. For some reason, you often attract fear-based people into your life. (That’s because a fear-based mindset attracts fear-based people, as I wrote before in 10 Steps To Attract Authentic Love)
Oneness Mindset: Viewing People as Like Souls To Be Reconnected
The opposite of the separation mindset is the oneness mindset, where rather than seeing people as separate from you, you recognize other people are a part of you, and you are all one and the same. It is a mindset marked by love.
Characteristics of Oneness Mindset
- You see people as connected with you. Even if you may not know everyone yet, a connection already exists, and you just have to tap into that latent connection when you meet each person.
- You do not worry yourself with what people think of you. You know your intentions are pure and that’s what matters.
- Impressions do not concern you. You know the relationship is beyond the initial impressions, and it’s about building a real connection.
- You open up your authentic, real self when you’re around people you know as well as people you don’t know yet. Your heart is worn completely on your sleeve. You do not hide behind a mask or try to be someone you are not.
- The concept of “warming up” to others does not exist. You get right to connecting with people when you (first) meet them.
- You see the world as one, where everyone is interconnected with each other, separated only by the space between them. Each person serves a role in the grand design, and each role the person serves supports everyone else in the universe.
- By default, everyone gets the benefit of the doubt from you, until proven otherwise. You see everyone as having genuine, good intentions in his/her heart, and there is no one out trying to hurt anybody. (An exception to the rule would be people in extremely fear-based consciousness, who have lost their way and resort to hurting others to let themselves be hurt.)
Benefits of Oneness Mindset
When you embrace the oneness mindset, you will experience quite a paradigm shift in your social relationships.
- There is no fear when you are around people, because you recognize they are all a part of you.
- Rather than spend time “building” the relationship (acquainting, getting to know the person better, knowing the person’s interests, forming trust, etc), you get right to fostering the connection right away. The notion of time has no significance in the growth of your relationship with others. You can be meeting people off the bat and becoming great buddies with them.
- People love to be around you because of the energy you exude. At the same time, you thrive in the presence of other wonderful people too. There are no barriers, separators, or distance between you and them, so to speak.
- You have little problem attracting good, high consciousness people into your life. Generous souls, kind angels, supportive spirits; these people keep entering your life one after another.
- You are much happier and at ease with yourself, compared to someone with the separation mindset.
- You stop worrying about making good first impressions and projecting a certain image of yourself, instead working on strengthening the connection between you and the other party instead.
Shifting from Separation to Oneness Mindset: How to Get Started
If you want to attract authentic people into your life, and if you want to achieve meaningful, fulfilling social relationships, the oneness mindset is the way to go.
Under the oneness mindset, the notion of social anxiety doesn’t exist, simply because there is no place for it. When you recognize that people are not separate from you but really are a part of you, suddenly it becomes obvious that all your anxiety in social situations, as well as your anxiety in relationships, is totally redundant. There’s no reason to be fearful at all, because others are not separate from you. They never were. It’s just like feeling nervous while you’re around your best friend; there’s no reason to be that way at all.
This guide will help you transit to this new mindset with ease.
1. Understand What’s Contributing to Your Separation Mindset
If there’s a part of you that refuses to let go of the separation mindset, try to understand what’s binding you to it. Why are you holding on to a separation mindset? Is it because you have been hurt before by others? Is it because people have said unkind things when you opened up, causing you to go right back into your shell? Is it because people have betrayed your trust before? Or is it simply because that’s way you have been brought up?
The separation mindset is what one adopts when one is on guard against others. But in this case, you are guarding yourself from nobody except a figment of your past. That’s imaginary and only in your head.
To truly embrace the oneness mindset, you have to recognize that no one is out there to hurt you. You have not been brought into this world to be harmed, betrayed, or violated. You have been brought into this world to be loved, cherished, and embraced. As long as you still hold onto the separation mindset, you make it difficult for yourself to achieve that.
If there have been people who hurt you in the past, it’s likely because they were acting from fear. Holding the separation mindset isn’t exactly the solution because there will always be fear-based people around (until the world undergoes some dramatic shift anyway). Rather, you should learn to handle such people instead. (Read: 8 Tips To Deal With Critical People, How To Deal With Dishonest People, How To Deal With Energy Vampires) Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater just because of some off-putting encounters you had in the past.
2. Recognize the Beauty of Oneness Mindset
Recognize that by holding on to the separation mindset, you are doing a disservice to people whom you would have connected with otherwise.
Example: Applying Oneness in Running Personal Excellence
For example, I reckon some of you read PE because you have found some of the articles here helpful to you in some way. (I’d like to take the chance here to sincerely thank you readers for your support all this while, be it by sharing my work, getting my programs and ebooks, or simply reading what I have to share. Thank you! ♥)
Many of my materials have been created with the oneness mindset in mind. This is why I share my experiences and lessons freely, without prejudice. I write based on what helps people the most, not what makes me look the best in others’ eyes. The programs (Live a Better Life in 30 Days, Be a Better Me in 30 Days) and forums are also run with the oneness mindset in mind. I try to build a conducive and inclusive culture where there is no judgment – only sharing and support. I’d like to think this is why the PE forums has such a positive, open, and supportive culture today.
On the other hand, if I had created the site with a separation mindset, it would be totally different. I would be second guessing myself with each article I write, to the point where very few to no articles would ever be posted. I would worry about the kind of impression I portray with each line I write, and shape each article in such a way that would make me look the best, rather than to help the reader. I wouldn’t share my personal lessons because people may use them against me. I would write posts that put people (who are against me) down and teach them a lesson, rather than to help others.
With the second approach, the site would probably be very different than it is today. Firstly, the audience that would be drawn to the site would probably be very different. I would probably attract a lot of critical, perhaps even vindictive-type people, who read the site for gossip and trash about others. Secondly, the material here would be about very glossed over aspects of my life, without ever sharing anything deep or insightful. Thirdly, the site would probably have a culture that is unsupportive, fear-based, and envy-driven, rather than of self-empowerment, self-realization, and support.
Do you see what I’m getting at? By embracing the oneness mindset on PE, it has allowed me to attract many wonderful and conscious individuals, as you can see from the site. This is the same thing I experience in my personal life too, because that’s the same mindset I adopt. Likewise for you, embracing a oneness mindset will help you to attract more conscious people into your life. If you are already in contact with such people, doing so will further accelerate the process.
Example: Effects of Oneness During My Travels
Another great example would be my experience during my travels. People often speak of having to be careful when traveling, to be wary of pickpockets and criminals, and to keep people you don’t know at bay. While all valid cautions, these are very fear-based thoughts.
During my travels however, I’ve had the great honor to meet with so many amazing, incredible people everywhere, from Holland, Germany, Paris, Spain, London, Philadelphia, Washington DC, New York, Boston, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. I know some expats who live in some of those countries/cities saying how difficult it is for them to meet people/locals in those places because everyone is so closed up. But I’ve met the most amazing, open people I’ve ever known (many of them natives). People who opened up their homes to me, allowed me to stay with them for indefinite periods of time, took time off to show me around the countries/cities, and showered me with so much kindness and generosity that I felt like I was right at home.
I even met strangers on the street who were incredibly kind and wonderful to me. One time I was lost in Paris, and I ended up having a chat with the stranger whom I approached for directions. We swung by his place to drink afternoon tea and chat some more, after which he drove me back home. How crazy was that? And I often hear people saying how snobbish and distant the Parisians are! True that as a national culture perhaps, but every country is made up of different people.
There were hundreds of great experiences I had during my travels borne out of the oneness mindset and I could go on and on and on, but you get the idea.
If I had embraced the separation mindset, none of the above would have happened. Sure, I still met not-so-nice people even when I adopt the oneness mindset. But like I said in Point #1, negative and fear-based people exist everywhere. It’s about learning to handle the situation when you face such people, not blocking out everyone with a separation mindset. (See next point.)
3. When You Face People with Separation Mindset
Under the oneness mindset, there will still be times when you will meet people with separation mindsets. For example, you can be earnest, open, and upfront, which are all based in oneness, while the other person, with the view of separation, spends the whole time evaluating your actions and keeping you at a safe distance.
How To Deal With the Situation
Here, there are two things you can do. You can either continue to connect with the person within the confines of a separation mindset (i.e. take your time to build trust, prove your value to the person, etc.) and transit to a oneness approach after a connection is established and trust has been built. Or, you can forgo the connection due to the fundamental incompatibility and seek out others who are more compatible with your oneness approach instead.
When dealing with deeply fear-based people, I’ve noticed that they tend to have many hang-ups. Trying to further the connection feels
like navigating a labyrinth. It feels more like I’m playing a game of tango with them than building a real connection. So I go for the second approach, while sending them love in the process. It may feel like a pity sometimes if you come across potentially nice people who seclude themselves out of fear. I know that I have felt this way before. However, recognize the following: (1) The world has an infinite number of connections for us to tap into. For every connection you forgo, new ones will come your way. (2) “Forgoing” toxic or negative connections isn’t a bad thing; it simply means you are incompatible with these people now and it’s better to move on to more compatible ones. (3) When I forgo a connection, I don’t see it as a severance of the relationship. It continues to live on in my heart. Likewise, it should be the same for you.
(On a semi-related note, check out: Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years and Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From a Relationship)
See Your Oneness Mindset as a Filter
Another good thing about your oneness mindset is it serves as a filter that helps you to sieve out people with incompatible values and bring you the ones who are compatible. With a separation mindset, you can only attract people with separation mindsets. With a oneness mindset, you will attract people with similar values.
Living by the oneness mindset for the past few years, I have since released a lot of fear-based people from my life, and ushered in many wonderful, love-based people.
Facing Malicious People
This may be obvious, but the oneness mindset wouldn’t apply if you are dealing with bad eggs (such as molesters, murders, rapists, delinquents, etc). These people probably have goodness somewhere in their hearts, but they lost their way somewhere along their paths and became deeply entrenched in fear-based consciousness instead. This has resulted in them doing things that inflict pain upon others. When faced with such people, using the separation mindset may be a more logical approach.
Reflect
Personally, I use my encounters with fear-based people as an opportunity for self-reflection. I believe there is always something to learn from everyone in my life. I also believe people cross paths in life for a reason.
Hence, when I do come across such a person, I ask myself these few questions: (1) Is there something about me that drew the person into my life? (2) What can I learn from this person/encounter? (3) Are there parts of me that still hold onto the fear-based, separation mindset? If so, what are they, and why? (Refer to Point #1.) I then process these accordingly and let them go.
As you do that over and over, gradually you will meet less and less fear-based people, and more and more love-based people. That’s because your reality reflects what’s in your consciousness, and when you release your fear, the fearful people will stop gravitating towards you.
Final Words
In conclusion, if you have social anxiety, or if you want to increase the quality of your relationships, the oneness mindset is the way to go.
I’ve previously written about the elements of oneness in bits and pieces via the articles on PE, but this is the first time I’ve really put it down in a proper, full-length article. Many of the things I write in my relationships or people-related posts are based in oneness.
A great litmus test to see whether you’re wholly applying the oneness mindset would be to compare your attitudes and behaviors towards your best friend(s) vs. strangers. Do you treat both groups of people with the same openness, trust, faith, and rigor? Is there any occasion, any occasion at all, where you discriminate in your behavior between one person and another? If you can answer “yes” to the first question and “no” to the second one all the time, you’re definitely applying the oneness mindset. If not, there’s still some undercurrent beliefs of separation at work there which you may not have been aware of. Address them accordingly using Point #1.
I hope you have found this piece useful. Share it with anyone who you know has social anxiety issues or who wants to further the quality of his/her relationships with others.
Here are some related posts:
Welcome to Personal Excellence. If you like my free articles, join my newsletter and get my latest updates and articles sent right to your inbox.
How timely! I just searched this topic yesterday before a party (which turned out to be amazing) but I was still nervous upon getting there. But now running through my thoughts throughout the day with separation filter and the oneness mindset… it all makes sense! May we all find oneness!
Thanks for another great post, Celes! C=
Isn’t that great?? I’m glad the party turned out to be amazing for you Irvin. Let’s all unite in oneness! :)
This is a beautiful post, profound and complete. I can connect with what you described here and I think it can help a lot of people understand themselves, at least, I could recognized myself there.
One thing that helped me a lot living well with my social anxiety is to have goals, to know “where I’m going”.
It helped focus on what’s important, rather than unimportant things.
To finish, here’s a quote I like by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
“Little minds have little worries, big minds have no time for worries.”
Hey Max, I love that quote by Ralph too. :D I’ve featured it as one of the inspirational quotes on PE before: https://personalexcellence.co/quotes/421
Celes,
This is a great piece – better than anything else I’ve seen written on the subject. I think you are right about the value of the “oneness mindset.”
I’ve found that my will is quite strong, but my body is weak. I may really try to build connections with other people, but my body may get in the way. In fact, I find that physical symptoms increase in proportion to the courage I’m trying to put forth. When I was simply shy and didn’t even try to build connections, I had no physical symptoms. Please don’t filter me away as a “fear-based person” when this happens.
Also I’d like to mention that there are many people without social anxiety who still seem to act out of a separation mindset (people who fit in well with the prevailing fashion, language, and culture–in fact, why would you spend lots of money on status symbols if you didn’t have a separation mindset?). But there’s certainly a lot for me to work on in this direction.
Hey Chestnut! Your physical symptoms are merely a reflection of the undercurrent thoughts/beliefs you may have (including subconscious ones) surrounding people. Understand why they are there and work on addressing them, and the physical symptoms will disappear by themselves.
And yes, you’re absolutely right that people without social anxiety can have a separation mindset as well. I’d say that majority of the society view people with a separation mindset (as I pointed out in the article); people with social anxiety are just a subset of the group. I started writing the article with the intention to help those with social anxiety, then realized the concept can help a much larger group than that, after which I broadened the scope to include relationships at large.
Regarding the side note on status symbols though, I don’t think that’s necessarily a function of having a separation mindset. Linkage with materialistic tendencies possibly; an interest in status symbols most definitely (could be for the status; could also be because they simply like them), but not necessarily linked with separation I’d say.
Thank you for this excellent post. This has come at just the right time in my journey and I was only talking about the connectedness of everything and everybody with my husband the other day. He has a oneness mindset, yet mine is definitey a seperate mindset, which I know I need to change. You have given me a great introduction to the changes I need, and am determined, to make. Thank you so much :dance:
How beautiful to have a (profound) discussion like that with your husband! Thanks for your kind words Sue, I really appreciate that. I’m glad you found this article useful. Many hugs. :hug:
“3. When You Face People with Separation Mindset”
This part is very relevant to me. Maybe I’m still partly stuck in my old ways so I still have disappointing encounters (or maybe it’s simply because I meet a lot of people!) I’m often unsure when it’s better to let go and when I might be missing out on a potentially great connection. My bf thinks I sometimes give up on people too easily and have probably missed several chances by now.
I don’t see a problem right now because I do have many wonderful friends. But when someone’s stuck in a place with not many opportunities – I guess the forgo option should be used more carefully :|
And as always, everyone *does* deserve a chance and no one should be (pre)judged :) :love:
Hi dearest MelPenguin! (Is it okay if I refer to you as Penguin instead?)
“But when someone’s stuck in a place with not many opportunities – I guess the forgo option should be used more carefully :|”
I totally hear you there, but be aware that this thought itself is inherent in a scarcity mindset (i.e. there are not a lot of opportunities; there are limited opportunities). I can imagine being in small towns or small states, this will probably ring very true, but it’s a lot to do with because one allows him/herself to be confined within certain constraints. If we broaden the scope, we’ll immediately see other connections available say via the internet (the internet has really changed a lot of things for people), beyond the neighborhood/community one lives in inside the town/state (a lot of times we just keep ourselves within our comfort zone and never explore outwards), beyond the town/state (one is never confined to living within a certain town or state; the global world and ease of travel has made this so much possible today), and so on. You get the drift!
And I totally agree that everyone deserves a chance and no one should be pre-judged. Word, right there! :hug:
<3 the Internet :D
You may call me Penguin, Mel or whatever you prefer :)
Awesome, thank you Mel! :D
First of all, Celes, after reading this article, I am again reminded of how authentic you are, and how your generosity of spirit opens up the floodgates for others to be encouraged to just be themselves. It is heartwarming for me to know that you are passionate about being so open and honest in sharing your personal stories that offer so many insights from your own experiences. “We learn from our own experience or we learn from others’ experiences.” !!! :heart:
Being a conscious, self-aware person, who makes wise choices, and is helpful to others by sharing self-empowering insights is what I am interested in, and who I am interested in being, and when I look to you for your thoughts and feelings about something, this is what I feel I am receiving, :heart: because that is who you authentically are, :heart: and how you live your life, sharing SO generously. :heart: I am in awe, Celes. :angel: And according to this article, I can look forward to more love-centered (not fear-based) people, as I more consciously practice the oneness mindset. :heart:
I have been raised to be loving, generous, thoughtful, and kind, coming from a mindset of love. Be independent, think for yourself, have the courage of your convictions. Along with that mindset, I have also been raised to be a cautious, withholding, distrusting, suspicious, judgmental, selfish, fear-based shrinking violet, who second-guesses so as not to offend anyone or step on their toes, and put on a front to hide how you really feel. Be considerate, sacrificing, selfless, flattering, putting others’ needs before your own. :angry:
Whew! Conflicting mindsets that wrecked havoc in my life and times, and I’ve had to do a LOT of work in order to clear out all the fear-based, people-pleasing, approval-seeking behaviors, discover and uncover who I really am and what I am truly passionate about, and express myself authentically and helpfully, in an inspired, inspiring way so that I can be in tune with my mission and fulfill my destiny. :heart:
When I was out there in a social setting, no wonder I was reticent to face all those unloving, judgmental, untrustworthy, manipulative, demanding hypocrites, right? Until I realized that those were my OWN voices that I had taken on and worn as a shield against a hostile world, did I discover that I was the enemy and could cease the cold war against myself and others and be free from all that junk, and move on to be who I really was!!!!! :dance:
Celes, you, your work, and the PE site (wonerful people are attracted to this sacred site!) has come as a wonderful surprise and great gift in my life! :D The articles and manifestos and challenges and live runs have all been an opportunity for me to dig deep and come up with great treasures. Clearing out the clutter, the fear mindset and fear-based behaviors has allowed space for more self-expression, creativity and love-centered mindset and behaviors to emerge forth. :heart: Life is much more fulfilling for me today. Even though I have done a lot of dedicated work on myself prior to finding you and the PE site, I am AMAZED at how much deeper I could dig, and the treasures I could FIND relating to life and myself and others!
This article on “The Secret To Having More Meaningful and Fulfilling Social Relationships”, another great sharing and helpful piece, opened up a lot of insights for me. :D Those insights led to a lot of journaling about many issues that then offered me much more insight on my life and times (behaviors, patterns that followed, realizations,and inspirations.) :heart: It also gave me more hope for the world becoming a more loving world with you and any of us who are dropping our fear-based mindsets and behaviors and becoming more love-centered in our mindsets and behaviors. :heart: I do realize that it is wise to be discerning when it comes to having relationships out there in the world, but I do want to be predominantly love-centered and of the oneness mindset and attract love-centered, oneness-oriented people in my life, and feel the connectedness we all share, so we can just be authentic with ourselves, with each other, and we can all be on our special missions to live our destinies! :D This is my thought and my vision. :heart:
And to those that are swimming in fear and expressing fear-based behaviors, we send you love and light and the hope and inspiration that you realize and feel loved for who you really are, and that love floods out your fears and doubts, so you can live a love-centered life, and be who you really are. :hug: :heart:
Grateful to be here.
With so much love and gratitude,
Bette
Dearest Bette, what a beautiful and gracious comment you’ve sent my way and to the readers here. Thank you for sharing such beautiful words!
Indeed, you most definitely have done a lot of inner growth work, as evidenced by your thought process and a lot of your responses to fellow readers on the site and fellow participants on the challenge runs. It’s such a joy to have you here, because you’re such a bright light to us all.
In a way I think you practice the oneness mindset on an even bigger extent than I do (there are still some parts of me that subconsciously hold onto the separation mindset at times; namely in situations where my subconscious thinks there’s danger when there isn’t), so that’s an area that I’ve to learn from you. Either way it’s something I’m continuously, consciously working through.
Much love to you Bette and everyone reading this. :heart: :heart:
Dear dear Celes,
I am indeed touched by your lovely words and the sincerity that is behind those words. :heart: And I love it when the words just flow forth, tumbling out the meaning behind them. It is so gratifying to express myself and have those words have meaning to others. Your articles inspire me to not only delve deep within, but to share my experience of how it was for me to delve deep within, and what discoveries I am able to come up with. Since you are so open and generous and loving with your writings, they really do open up wide the lines of communication, and the possiblilites of growing by leaps and bounds is just there, awaiting an eager heart. :hug: :heart:
I am finding that when I really stick with it and work hard, there are wonderful discoveries that emerge, and insights abound. And when all that happens, things just click in place! I just LOVE it when I find my rhythm in my deepest authenticity, and when sharing where my journey takes me is helpful to others.
I am so happy to be able to share the oneness mindset with anyone, whether I know them or not! It is helpful to remember that we are all connected, regardless of any differences we may have. I love that expression, “There are no strangers, just friends I haven’t yet met!” That is a great reminder to proceed with love-centeredness, and allow expressing love set the tone and intention of the meeting. Whatever happens after that is anyone’s guess. I am always glad when there are happy surprises. :D
How lovely to feel safe expressing one’s true self, and have that embraced! :heart: Even if my being love-centered and of a oneness mindset it not reciprocated, I can still just be who I am. My behavior is not deternined by what others think or don’t think. Truth is still Truth, and Oneness in still Oneness, no matter what! :D :heart: :hug: :heart:
Dear Bette
It is so heart warming to read your reply to this amazing article. You have clearly worked so hard on your own personal development and it is inspiring to read your post. I need you and people like you and the love and generosity that you exude in my life to help me to adopt these qualities into my life as I have SO much to learn. It is humbling to read how much work you have done and if I can achieve just a fraction of the same, than I will be a much better person for it. Encouragement and examples like yours are vital for my on my journey. Thank you so very much. :heart: :hug:
Dear Sue, You are so very welcome! And a heartfelt thank YOU as well! I am inspired by YOUR post…and the love and generosity of your heart and mind and spirit! :heart: :hug: I appreciate people like YOU and the love and generosity that YOU exude! :D :heart: :hug:
Yes, it’s true, I have done a lot of work, for quite some time, and I have been fairly consistently dedicated to being persistent in moving down the road in the right direction! There have been people who have inspired me by their words and their example, and I am forever grateful for those teachings and for their being a living example who have “walked their talk.” :heart:
I feel confident that with your desire to learn and grow, you will do just that! I am so happy that my words have been encouraging to you. :D Please know that YOUR words are encouraging to me! :heart:
We have definitely connected, and what helps one person, is also a positive influence upon the other person. :D What a beautiful thing! :heart: “A thing of beauty is a joy forever.”!!! :D :heart: :hug:
Thank you Sue. Thank you for enhancing my journey. :hug: Sure hope to see more of you around the PE site! :D
Oh…and I totally agree about Celes writing amazing articles! She is an angel with a very special gift on a very special mission. :heart: :angel: :heart:
:hug: :heart: :D
By the way, just added this addendum point at the end of the article:
“A great litmus test to see whether you’re wholly applying the oneness mindset would be to compare your attitudes and behaviors toward your best friend(s) vs. strangers. Do you treat both groups of people with the same openness, trust, faith, and rigor? Is there any occasion, any occasion at all, where you discriminate in your behavior between one person and another? If you can answer “yes” to the first question and “no” to the second one all the time, you’re definitely applying the oneness mindset. If not, there’s still some undercurrent beliefs of separation at work there which you may not have been aware of. Address them accordingly via Point #1.”
I think this will help to drive the point of oneness across more clearly to those who may have subconscious thoughts of separation running (I know I still have some latent ones which I’m working on addressing, because I don’t pass this litmus test 100% of the time).
Excellent article Celes! I have to say, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, at least for me. It feels as if I always knew inside that I had a problem like that but I was never sure what I should do about it or if I was just imagining it. Thanks so much for putting this up :clap:
I’m starting to really admire the way you write these articles and put forward your tips. I hope I get to meet you someday!
Thanks Charu, that’s really sweet of you! :D I hope you found the “advice” useful. I certainly apply this mindset in my daily life and it’s maybe about 80% integrated into who I am. Overall it’s definitely the default way I see other people today.
I hope to be able to meet one day too! ;) Not sure where you reside, but perhaps the next time I visit your city/country I’ll have a PE readers meet-up like when I went to London/NYC/LA and that’ll be a great opportunity to acquaint and meet other like-minded readers/people. :D
Well, two days after reading this post and implementing the ‘oneness’ attitude, I can say it helps me be a bit less timid, but mostly it helps with the positive thinking and expecting good stuff from people :)
I am sorry to say that I am quite judgemental of other people, and I’ve only realized how much after reading the article
I don’t have social anxiety but I do tend to be the quiet one when in group of people I’ve just met, I’m pretty talkative when it’s 1-on-1 situation. Well, most of the time :)
The only thing that I don’t agree though is that it doesn’t take time to build relationships – it always does, just with people with separation mindset before building relationships there is the time of tearing down the wall around them.
Thanks Celes =)
“The only thing that I don’t agree though is that it doesn’t take time to build relationships – it always does, just with people with separation mindset before building relationships there is the time of tearing down the wall around them.”
Hey Ivona! What you just said, actually! If it’s between two people without the separation mindset (i.e. the oneness mindset), there’s no wall so to speak, between them – and they can go right to fostering the connection. Basics of knowing each other better, connecting on a deeper level, building a stronger connection/relationship etc will definitely still apply, but the traditional “I need some time to break the barrier/wall/ice” wouldn’t apply, and hence what I was referring to when I said “The notion of time has no significance in the growth of your relationship with others.”.
I’m glad the oneness mindset has helped you to be less timid. :hug: I think a lot of people (readers of PE in particular) are the same way as what you mentioned, in that they tend to be the quieter ones in groups. (I can be sometimes too, especially when I’m with loud people!) Nothing wrong with that at all, just that we should ensure that the quietness doesn’t have anything to do with interpersonal barriers or scarcity mindset. It would be a real shame if people don’t see the real us because we’re too busy trying to hide under our shells. :D
You know, in my life I mostly come across genuine people, enjoying life and so on. I’m open minded to them. I don’t worry whether I make a blunder or not. I don’t even consider such things. No matter what people think about you, it’sYou who should think about yourself the right way. i do and I recommend it to everyone:)) Thanks for the possiblity of sharing it. rgds from Poland
Aga
Thanks for this topic. I also have social anxiety . I always hope I can find how to live more comfortable and interact with many people without feeling nervous about anything.
No problem Nhi. I hope you found the concepts shared in this article useful in overcoming your social anxiety. :D (By the way, by posting this comment, dare I say you’re already taking a step out of your natural comfort zone, even if it’s a little step!)
Thank you, thank you, thank you – for being, for entering my life via PE 4 days ago :heart: Our paths crossed when I started writing the list of things I want to do in my life. I can totally relate to this article – and also many others-all of them ;) They blow my mind (and open my heart). I started being aware of my social anxiety a year ago. I have been getting insights how to over come it and what the root of the problem actually is and this article is like the final touch at this moment. I am so grateful and excited :dance: Thanks for helping me on my path to become what I realy am :angel:
Aw, thank you for your kind words, Kristina. How great is it that you came across the site just 4 days ago??? :D Welcome to PE and hope you stick around for the long haul. :D If you haven’t already, feel free to join me on my Facebook page.
Everything has the right timing :D I stopped sleepwalking my life couple of years ago, but now I see I can be even more awake and present. By the way: PE should be translated :D
Thank you again, I wish you all the best and keep up the good work :hug:
Dear Celes,
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I’ve just recognized my social anxiety after moving back to Hong Kong (where I grew up for 15 years) from Canada (where I spent another 16). Over time, I developed distrust in new people in my life that I wasn’t even aware of until my move. Like how you described, I only trust them after they have proven themselves trustworthy. On top of that, I became even more clamped down after a few bad experiences in HK.
I was beginning to think that I have a psychological problem that limits my ability to make new friends .. until I started reading your articles and now this one. I now feel strongly that this the light at the end of my tunnel.
I will try out your suggestions for sure. For starters, I’ve already openly disclosed more information about myself than I had to most others.
Cheers!
Mikey
hello Celes! I’m so grateful today that i’ve found this site. This is very timely for me because right now I’m experiencing a lot of problems with myself and with other people. I find your articles VERY HELPFUL AND INSPIRING. May you continue to write more of these. I’d like to ask permission from you if I could copy some articles so that I could read them even if I’m not online. Don’t worry I will copy the link of every article and acknowledge you as the writer. My greatest thanks to you! God bless!
:bow: :clap:
I agree all your points and I personally try myself to keep myself away from takings high interests in social networking site like Facebook, Myspace, etc yes these social sites are a big cause of anxiety in modern world.
Spot on with the oneness system. It reminds me of a fascinating study that I came across a while ago.
Perhaps you’ve heard about it before, I know that you’re quite well up to date with stuff like this.
Researchers put together a group of people who described themselves as socially anxious. They had to do a task together with a stranger. However, half the group was instructed to focus on themselves during the task, and the other half of the group was instructed to focus their attention only on the task itself.
Afterwards, they were asked to rank how confident they had felt on a specific confidence-scale. It turned out that those who had focused on the task rather than themselves had felt almost 70% more self confident.
Here’s a link to the study: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17521604
I relate that to your article. Being self-focused is a separating mindset, focusing on the task and on the other person makes us feel more as a whole.
Something entirely different: I’ve heard somewhere that the main language of Singapore is Malay, but judging by your writing English is your main language? Or are you just really good at English? :)
Hey David, the native language of Singapore is English. :) It being Malay was true like five decades ago; Singapore has progressed significantly since then. Some people think that it’s Mandarin because there are many people of Chinese ethnicity (not nationality) here, but that isn’t true either.
Commenting for this post is closed.