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“Dear Celes, I have been with my partner for 10 years now. I know I have made lots of sacrifices to be with him and I don’t regret my decisions.
However, recently I’m worrying if I am giving up aspects of myself and shaping myself to be with him, without realizing it. I don’t want to lose sight of my dreams. How do you manage between your goals and being with your partner when in a relationship?” — Anna
Hey Anna, most people’s approach to such a dilemma would be one of the following:
- Forgo their goals to be with their partner (which was what you did in the past),
- Pursue their goals at the expense of their relationship, or
- Find a mid-point where they can pursue some of their goals and still be with their partner at the same time.
Options 1 and 2 are unsustainable, because a win-lose or lose-win scenario will always result in lose-lose in the end.
For Option 1, if you forgo your goals to be with your partner, you will only find yourself deeply unhappy due to unfulfilled inner desires, which will result in unspoken pressure on the relationship. Even if you are completely okay forsaking your goals, you turning back on your goals will prevent you from attaining self-actualization, which prevents you from giving your best to the relationship, hence shortchanging your partner of the best you.
For Option 2, pursuing your goals at the expense of your relationship will prevent your relationship from thriving, since you won’t be dedicating your full time/energy to it. Even if the relationship remains afloat, it will only be a functional relationship (where two people stay together for companionship), rather than a synergistic relationship where both parties blossom together. Your partner may also feel neglected and ask for a breakup, which is what happened to someone I knew—he lost his girlfriend after years of neglecting his relationship in the name of pursuing his goals.
While Option 3 might seem like a viable option, it is actually a sub-optimal one as well. While you may look like you are meeting both your needs and your relationship’s needs, you are really just straddling mid-way, where you do a little bit of both without getting the best of each area. You will soon find yourself stretched between two ends, feeling strained and possibly jaded.
How to Create the Best Relationship
The best relationships are about synergy, where 1+1=3. This means that both you and your partner progress further and faster together in life compared to if either of you are single. Rather than achieve an effect of 1+1=2 (where both of you are simply the sum of individual parts) or 1+1=1 or less than 2 (where you actually backtrack in your life from being in a relationship), you achieve 1+1=3 or greater.
In a synergistic relationship, there is absolutely no compromise of your personal goals, your partner’s goals, or the relationship itself—in fact, you and your partner achieve more by being together with each other.
Such synergistic relationships are uncommon because most people are not aware that such a standard is possible. To be honest, I never thought much about the dynamics of relationships until I got attached and felt the difference from being together with someone. I saw for myself how relationships can be synergistic and we, as the individual parts of the whole, play a crucial role in creating that synergy.
Example: Addressing Time Constraint for Personal and Relationship Activities
A constraint I tackled with my partner recently is the issue of time—we had limited time with each other because (a) of his erratic work schedule, since he works in a global team and would have work meetings throughout the day until the wee hours, and (b) we lived 1.5 hours away from each other which made it hard to meet up on weekdays given his schedule.
We wound up spending time on the phone every night, which led to a total of 25 hours of talk time a week. This was a lot of time taken away from our activities, including sleep. Not only that, the phone can be limited as a communication tool, since we’re not in each other’s presence.
After some discussion, we decided to move in together, and it was a perfect match with my plans as I was already planning to move out of my parents’ place. (I see moving out of my parents’ place as a necessary step in my personal growth.) Moving in together was clearly an option that broke out of the constraints of time, physical space, and contrasting daily agendas.
By staying together, we naturally spend time together every day by virtue of daily, necessary activities such as having breakfast/lunch/dinner, exercising, and sleeping/resting; it’s also quality time spent together in person, as a couple, as opposed to phone chats which we see as a “downgraded” experience to being together in person. No more having to plan around each other’s schedule just to meet up, and no more long commutes whenever we meet. It was the perfect solution in our case.
Here we went straight to the heart of the problem—lack of time—and created a solution that broke that constraint. Rather than fiddle around with low-level solutions such as rationing the time we spend on our personal activities and on the phone, we worked out a solution which enabled us to meet both our personal agendas and our relationship needs—better than we ever could with our previous arrangement of talking on the phone.
Example: Tackling Work Goals vs. Building the Relationship
I was originally worried that my relationship with Ken would cause me to neglect my work. Not that he is taking up my time (I do want to spend as much time with him as possible), but because I felt that by spending my time to connect with him, I would not be able to use that time to connect with others (all of you).
This concern was especially so after I noticed my to-do list items (for my work) kept getting pushed to the next day because I was spending so much time with him, on him (happily so).
While most people’s first instinct would be to cut back on couple time and reinvest the time back into work, it just didn’t feel right to me. I knew that the answer wasn’t to cut back on the time spent with him per se, because I do want to spend time with him. To cut back on time with him felt like I would be stifling my inner self.
Additionally, the solution of deliberately disconnecting myself from him just to connect myself with you guys felt counterintuitive… it felt like a solution rooted in fear and scarcity (i.e. I only have XX time and this time can only be spent with my partner or some other person). It felt wrong. It felt like a solution rooted in force (a place of unconsciousness) rather than power (a place of consciousness).
At the same time, neglecting my work was clearly not the answer. Helping others to grow is my life purpose. It was my passion before I got attached; it will forever be my passion even now that I’m in a relationship. It’s a part of me that will never change no matter who I’m with or where I am in life.
So my questions to myself became: How can I break out of this dilemma? How can I meet my work needs and be there with Ken/grow the relationship at the same time?
It didn’t take much brainstorming before I found the following solutions where I would realize my personal work agenda and further my relationship at the same time:
- Include my partner in my work process rather than work in silo. Examples would be to update him on things I’m working on, sharing of my latest projects, and getting feedback. My main intent is to involve him in this intimate part of my life (my passion to help others grow), which would naturally bring us closer together (and grow the relationship in the process). Furthermore, hearing his input (when he has thoughts to share) lets me understand him better (which again, grows the relationship) and helps me consider perspectives which I may not considered before (hence helping me grow in my work).
- Share my relationship experiences as part of my writing. This article is an example of how I’m leveraging on my relationship lessons to help others. This lets me tap into my natural flow which would help me to create great content in the least amount of effort… as opposed to writing topics which I’m currently not in the zone to write, which would result in uninspired content that takes up more mental energy than usual. Since my relationship lessons can be used to help others (my personal goal), this gives me an added incentive to invest myself into the relationship, which would then further grow the relationship.
- Have a concrete, daily work plan. Since I was single previously, I had all the time in the world for my personal activities, and hence never needed a concrete daily agenda. Creating a concrete, daily work plan would help me to be more focused and productive at work, of which the positive effects will spill over to my relationship. This daily planning would also ensure that I would have time set aside for my relationship every day.
Notice that all three steps above do not result in a compromise of either my personal agenda or my relationship; they result in a boost of both myself and my relationship.
How to Create Synergy: Using the “And” vs. “Either-Or” Approach
The two examples and the solutions I have shared above are specific to my situation/relationship. They may be completely irrelevant to you. And that’s perfectly fine.
The long and short of my sharing is that long-term resolution of conflicts between the self and the relationship can only be achieved by finding the “and” path that enables you to realize both your personal goals and your relationship goals simultaneously—might I say, even better than if you were to tackle each area by yourself.
Because if you were to always adopt an “either-or” approach, i.e. either pursue your goals or grow your relationship, you will face a win-lose scenario which will ultimately descend into a lose-lose situation as I had explained above. Even a partial win on each side through rationing time/resource for yourself and your relationship will also ultimately descend into a lose-lose because you will just be straddling between two ends and playing tug-of-war between your needs and your relationship needs.
It is through identifying that synergy path that will let you (and your partner) soar high up in the sky, achieving more than if each of you were to be by yourself/with someone else. This is the mark of a true, synergistic, and expansive relationship.
My additional tips to making such a relationship happen:
- Always be in constant, open communication with your partner. Ken and I talk every day on things that are on our mind and things that may not be on our mind. Whenever we find any issues, we immediately bring them up with each other to get a conscious discussion and gain quick resolution (vs. leaving those issues hanging).
- Constantly articulate your needs (if any) so that your partner is aware of them. People aren’t mind readers, and if you leave things unsaid, your partner may not be aware of them. This may create conflicts in the future.
- Be in tune with your partner’s needs and ensuring that they are continuously being realized (with your help or otherwise). It’s not just your needs; your partner’s needs are equally important as well. This relationship is made up of two people and not just you. Work with your partner to make things happen for him, whether with or without your help.
- Leverage on your strengths and use them to grow the relationship. Between Ken and me, both of us have unique skill sets which complement each other well; him with his listening skills, fast-comprehension ability, empathy, and supportive strength, and me with my personal-development knowledge. Both of us constantly use these skills to nurture our relationship to the next level. Likewise, think about what yours and your partner’s strengths are and use them to further your relationship.
I hope this helps Anna; let me know how things work out for you!
As for the rest of you—what do you think? How would you approach the issue of self vs. your relationship needs?
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I like the 1+1=3 equation :) Never really had it in any of my relationships but I’ve been taking it into account now. Which means I probably won’t find anyone soon but that’s better than compromising!
I have such dynamics with several friends though, so all’s good ;)
That’s great Jade! :) Having such dynamics with friends means that you are on your way to finding the (romantic) relationship which will be 1+1=3 as well. :) I always feel that romantic relationships are in a way elevated and more intense versions of friendships, so if you already have a good approach to friendships, you will do well when it comes to the relationship with your partner too. :)
Hello Celes, and Ken too,
Sharing your life with someone is by far the greatest benefit to living. We call it love and it not only occupies the largest part of ourselves, in one way or other, it is also the greatest motivator to great and not so great things.
Sharing used to be a lot simpler that it is now. When I was a young man some natural bonds and boundaries helped to maintain harmony or at least kept conflict at a lesser level. The search for love had some prescribed stages. You searched for a compatible soul mate, you then explored that with the possibility of a physical union, you married, you had children. You raised this family in a way that would realized some of your joint and individual goals, and you then rejoiced in helping them achieve a similar happy life.
Throughout all of this was a fairly clear understanding of certain standards and beliefs developed over long spans of time which governed the hierarchy , status, authority and social positions and generally accepted behaviour of the individuals in their relationships. In addition each distinct levels of progress for the relationship had its own and even unique experiences which kept the relationships in a constant evolution of discovery and excitement. Also very different from today is that each level was extended over a period of time. A new love might go on for quite a long time before a physical relationship was initiated. Another lengthy period may take place before the question of marriage was considered. Once married it was the case that the job of homemaking and childcare was done by the wife while the gathering of life substances such as food and shelter was done by the husband. There was some joint efforts but mostly it was a true division of labor.
I lived through the period of time when these standards and beliefs underwent a dramatic change. This created huge conflicts between the partners, where the ideological growth for one of them would accelerate at a revolutionary pace, leaving the other at a standstill and wondering what had happened to destroy his/her world. Divorce became the only exit for those relationships which had become a nightmare, and I assure you, the situation had to be a nightmare for individuals to proceed with divorcing in its early days when divorcing itself was a nightmarish experience.
The widespread breakdown of relationships during that heart breaking era destroyed individual lives and entire families. Many, having witnessed these horrible years, totally withdrew from the social aspect of forming relationship with others. As proven in history, human resourcefulness gradually made sense of this new world and re-set some standards and beliefs for relationships which have brought stability, making it possible for young couples as yourselves to successfully experience longer term sharing.
How relationships will evolve to be in the future is not only unpredictable, it is growing in complexity. Open and honest communications are the the only hope for a long lasting relationships, and even so it will not make up for that greatest unknown which is the evolution of the individual. One great advantage that today’s society has is a much greater acceptance that some things change without reason and beyond the individual’s responsibility for or ability to recover from. The psychology of lost causes is at least recognized, if not widely practiced.
What you have in your article is great advice and I am certain that it will serve you and Ken well. If I may add, enjoy the moment and make every day of sharing and love as if it might be your last. You can’t bank it. You can only rejoice in the moment.
I do from a long ways what I would do in person, hugs and kisses.
Hi John, thank you so much for your kind words! Indeed, it’s all about living in the present. Ken and I are always focused about enjoying the current moment with each other while building the relationship with the long-term future ahead. This has enabled us to create a highly conscious and dynamic relationship with one another that maximizes each of us in all areas of life as opposed to if we were just by ourselves.
(Ken says hi to all of you by the way!)
Interesting post Celes, I like your idea of synergy. I would perhaps revise your equation to say: 1+1>2. Such a relationship requires that you have enough affinity and are on similar paths for it to really work. It also requires consciously building a relationship with someone, not your run-of-the-mill type of relationship. Otherwise, it can easily slip into option C above, straddling mid-way.
Hey Jack, I hear you! You are right that 1+1>2 already suggests synergy, though I went with 1+1=3 analogy as it is more immediately understandable.
Like you said, to be in a synergistic relationship, you have to be with the right person first — someone with compatible values and belief system. The next step is to adopt a conscious approach in building the relationship rather than just letting things float or going with the default paths each time.
CelesKen I think your synergy point is right on.
For those of us looking forward to a relationship, questioning our relationship, dating, etc. this should be a priority for partnership. If someone comes into our lives for a lifetime then that person should be a compliment to who we are, where we are going, and we should be the same to them. If “us” being together is actually slowing one or both of us down or causing our dreams to be questionable and compromised then that person is likely a lesson.
I have a friend that was a marriage counselor, he said the easiest part of his job was knowing what was wrong with the relationship. It was always a problem with communication. Communication is key.
As for points 2, 3, and 4; introspection is important here, you must know your needs and your strengths. We attract what we are, so if we’re not so sure about why we are getting, what we are getting then it means we need to take inventory.
I hope that adds to the conversation,
Thanks for this post Celeste!
Celes this is so interesting and also feels like really amazing timing!
I’ve begun to think about maaaybe considering finding a partner again, at some point in the future :). My big fear, however, was that I’m on such an absolute spree of growth and with so many goals, that a partner would slow it down. At the same time though, love is such an incredible part of life, and you never learn more about yourself than when you’re in a relationship. Maybe it should have been really obvious, but (as always :) ) you are utterly spot on. OF COURSE the answer is synergy!
It’s a concept I really like and have taken to heart. Genius! You gave me such a “lightbulb” moment haha. Really glad you’re able to spread you wise words to the tricky subject of relationships :).
Loads of love to you and the mysterious Ken :) xx
How awesome, Helen! :) Doesn’t matter if you are on a spree of growth or not — it’s about finding a partner who is on a similar growth trajectory and/or someone who complements you such that being with him enhances your life way more than if you were not in the relationship.
I’ve learned much about the dynamics of compatibility and what makes someone “right” for you in the course of my singlehood (in the past) and now that I’m finally with someone whom I really love. I hope to write a post or create a course about meeting “the right one” in the future, as I progress along this relationship and distill more relationship lessons for myself.
Thanks for your reply Celes. I really look forward to reading more on your insights in the future.
Best of luck with everything! :)
Thanks so much for your supportive comments always, Helen! :) I really appreciate them. :) I wish you all the best in your soulmate journey! May my new material be helpful as you proceed to find the special someone for you. :)
Open communication and the ability to help each other defines a long term relationship–the only kind that is blessed with comfort and happiness. Using this experience as the criteria for spending time together will go a long way in informing out heart. It would be best to pass on a lesser experience.
Word, Daniel! I always believe it’s better to be single than to be with someone who is incompatible; ultimately we should only enter into a relationship because the other person is someone whom we like/love vs. out of fear-based reasons (e.g. not wanting to be alone, being pressurized by family, etc.).
What a nice post! And I loved your equations… You made me realize that 1+1=2 is not good at all! Incredible! But unfortunately at least for me… in order to achieve this 1+1=3 it seems that I will have to change a lot a things. But now I can see that it can worth all the effort.
I really like your views… thanks for sharing!
Take care!
Hi Celes! I’m very VERY happy about your relationship but I’d like to point out something that is a reality and I don’t mean it in any hateful way as I love your blog but no other reader seems to say it.
In the post of balancing life I liked the opinion expressed but disagreed with moving in together so fast without the first monthiversary even happening yet. The reason people wait to move in together more time even while they can is to make the moving in more significant. If you move in before you are even a month then what is there to expect in marriage? Nothing. It’s been proven that couples that move in before marriage and a proper courtship divorce quickly, even the happiest ones in some cases and there’s also the fact to be careful from having any accidental babies which can happen to anybody no matter who they are.
Don’t hate me..:( I respect your choices and do whatever you want with your life, it’s yours after all and if it makes you happy go for it but do be careful and remember that things can be taken slow too..
Hi Fufu! I think every relationship has its own dynamics; society has its standards formulated based on the beliefs/world views of the general population. For my relationship with Ken, it’s markedly different from the average relationship because we are quite markedly different from anyone else we know (by average I mean the general relationship people have and have come to know, and not average as in sub-par), which is why it is also very different from others in terms of pace and magnitude from other relationships. We are also full-grown adults (he’s 32, I’m 28 going 29) and have full awareness of what we are doing and why what we are doing is the best course of action for our situation (plus it’s something we truly want to do).
Ultimately it’s most important to do what feels right to you rather than subjugating to what is perceived as the norm or right to others. Consider if I were to give any caution to you about your relationship or anything in your life just because it’s different from my worldview — it would probably be an unfair judgment/statement because you would have your own beliefs, reasons, and rationale that has made you choose the path you are on today. And without knowing the complete picture I’m simply not in the position to throw precaution unless invited to do so.
The past couple of weeks have been interesting personal growth lessons for us because we have found that majority, if not all, of the fear-based reactions we have been getting from people have been mirrors of their own belief system/worldviews rather than being relevant to our situations. People resist or caution because they sense danger, and that’s perfectly fair, but neither Ken nor I feel any fear about this relationship–it is the best thing we have ever experienced in our lives. And he’s someone who has a full body of relationship history while I’m someone who has done extensive personal development work in the past decade or so, so this isn’t some random puppy love/infatuation statement that we are making.
Ultimately I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts Fufu! Just want you to know that we are in a good place and we totally know what we are doing. There is no need to fear about our situation; what we would most appreciate would be blessings and love shone our way. Fear-based thoughts only attract negativity, and we as individuals and as a couple love positivity over negativity on any day (though we see positivity in negativity or precautionary statements as well).
I hope you are doing well with your partner by the way! Much love to you and feel free to continue to share your comments openly on the blog/Facebook! I always love reading what you have to share!
Awww that sounds like an awesome relationship and I’m honestly happy to hear that!! Congrats. I really am happy. Keep on updating us on the love. :)
and thank you so much for the time you took on replying. I’m sorry if I offended you in any way, it wasn’t my intention and thank you for reminding me about the ‘mirror’ situation in which we judge others based on society’s normal rules (which I’m super against the norm as well. Especially in my situation as your aware of) and based on our own fears. It’s like I’m afraid of something of my own life and expressed it unconsciously by my comment. It’s true that every couple has it’s own dynamics.
For ex. Mine might be considered crazy for society, maybe not even a real couple. We used to study together but now we are in long distance possibly till we graduate COLLEGE and yet we are happier than most of the couples we see around locally and believe in the future. No jealosy, no fights, lots of trust and love and let’s suppose that if somebody were to judge my situation without an inner perspective theid react the same way I reacted with you. Probably worse.
And well once again I wish you the best in the world with Ken. :) Congrats a million and I’ll totally analyze my inner fears that caused me to be worried about your situation. Cheers!! Spread the love <3
I also had the same reaction, thinking it seemed very soon to move in together but then I do see how it’s more of a reflection of myself and how I wouldn’t want to move in with someone quickly, I would probably be afraid to make big changes straight away. Thanks for the thought provoking comments. :) I hope things are going great for you and Ken, Celes! :)
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