This is part 5(b) of my review series with Lunch Actually, a lunch dating company in Asia, after trying out their service in 2012. If you haven’t, check out part 1: Joining Lunch Actually, part 2: Initial Consultation and Membership Enrollment, part 3: Going Through Image Coaching!, part 4: The Date Process!, and part 5(a): New Date Coaching Series, Part 1! before reading this post.
Welcome to part 2 of my new date coaching series! 😀 First off, thank you to your warm reception to part 1. I appreciate all your responses; I really do. I may not respond to all comments, but I certainly read and take them to heart. So thank you.
So in part 1, I shared the 5 biggest lessons I took away from my pre-coaching with Kydon, my date coach from Courage Gym. Today, I’ll share the Wheel of Dating and how to improve your dating potential with it.
Wheel of Dating
What is the Wheel of Dating?
Those of you with Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program should know the life wheel from Day 1’s task. The life wheel is a framework that helps you to assess how you are doing in life right now and to identify the key areas to work on. I have covered the life wheel in detail before: How Are You Faring In Your Life Now? The Life Wheel (article)
The wheel of dating is a parallel to the life wheel in the area of dating. It was created by Kydon to help him assess how his clients are doing in dating and to identify the areas they should work on to maximize their dating success. Refer to diagram below:
The Wheel of Dating is made up of 8 segments (descriptions are by me):
- Physical Appearance – How do you look? Do you put your best foot forward in your personal grooming and dressing, or do you usually look like a wreck? Is your physical appearance supporting you in your dating journey?
- Beliefs & Values – What beliefs and values do you carry in the area of dating and romance? Do these beliefs and values support you in your dating journey? (Examples of unsupportive dating beliefs: 5 Myths Keeping You from Finding Love)
- Finding Prospects – Do you constantly meet potential dating partners or are you usually holed up in the same environment with the same people? Are you proactive in finding potential dates and meeting them?
- Responsibility – Do you take full responsibility in the area of love and dating? E.g., Do you take full responsibility for your singlehood and the fact that you are not in your desired relationship today? Or do you blame your singlehood on the world, your environment, or other people?
- Flirting / Escalation – Flirting: How flirtatious are you in your communication with potential dates? Escalation: To what extent do you allow the guys/girls you like to be physically closer with you?
- Vocal Tone / Body Language – Do you have a vocal tone and body language that appeal to your desired gender?
- Emotional Mastery – Are you in control of your emotions? How much mastery do you have over your emotions? (Say, are you able to maintain calmness even in times of distress? Are you able to get over someone quickly and fully? Do you handle your emotions well, or do your emotions handle you?)
- Conversational Techniques – How good are you at conversation? How good are you at identifying if the other party is a potential right guy/girl for you?
How I Fared on the Wheel of Dating
So Kydon and I went through the Wheel of Dating during our first official session last Tuesday. (We’re having our second session next Tuesday. Sessions occur every fortnight.) We identified my key opportunity areas (as of Sep 2012) as:
- Vocal Tone. Kydon gave me a 5/10 score on this; he recommends that I slow down my speaking, lower my volume, and increase my pitch. I think that I subconscious speak at a projected voice today because of all the coaching and training I’ve been doing over the years. Something to work on.
- Finding Prospects – While I make an effort to further existing connections, I don’t make any deliberate effort to meet new date potentials. Whatever new people I meet are usually work-related or platonic connections and not exactly date potentials. Like Vocal Tone, I got a 5/10 score as well. (Note from Celes: This was true at the point of the session; I subsequently began meeting a massive number of people and also attracting many dates in my life.)
Here are my scores (as rated by Kydon with inputs by myself) in the other areas (again, as of Sep 2012):
- Physical Appearance: 9/10. Kydon definitely doesn’t think this is an issue! It was good having my appearance affirmed by a male and a date coach, since males’ perception of beauty can be very different from females’. (At the end of the day, remember there is beauty in everything and there is no one fixed definition of beauty. Read: The Beauty of Self)
- Beliefs & Values: 7/10. I feel that there are some limiting beliefs I have surrounding romance and dating which I will work through in time. I always feel that our external reality is a reflection of our internal reality, and it’s no different in dating. Your ability to manifest your desired relationship is a function of your beliefs.
- Total Responsibility: 10/10. I definitely take responsibility for my single status today. (Not that there’s anything bad with being single of course.) In the past, I was overly focused on my career, so I did not pay much heed to romance. Subconsciously, I had commitment and attachment issues too. These have been largely worked through the years.
- Flirting / Escalation: No score for now, and not very relevant at the moment IMO. Kydon wants me to send him some communications I had in the past with potential dates to evaluate how I communicate (whether I convey the right vibes).
- Body Language: 8/10. Kydon says I’m very expressive and feminine! I’m taking that as a good thing. ? Even then, body language is a raw domain to me and hence an area I want to learn more about.
- Emotional Mastery: 10/10. Definitely no problem managing my emotions! After all, processing emotions is something I do on a near-daily basis and something I teach at PE!
- Conversational Techniques: 10/10 for conversing and 7/10 for determining if the other party is the right guy for me. Apparently, there are conversational techniques you can use to determine is the other party is a potential date material. Interesting! We’ll go into this in detail in a future session.
My Thoughts of the Wheel of Dating
I thought the wheel of dating is a very useful framework to use in dating. Just like how the life wheel gives you a snap shot of how you are doing in life, the wheel of dating gives you a snapshot of how you are faring in dating, after which you can identify the areas to work on to become better date material.
The 8 segments are a great guide as they remind us that being a successful dater isn’t just about looking good or constantly meeting new people (admittedly I used to think this way); it’s about having great conversational skills, empowering dating beliefs, an approachable vocal tone and body language, emotional mastery, an accountable attitude, and a playful persona (where appropriate) as well. This is also likely why you hear of people who have no problems getting from one relationship into another despite rarely meeting new people, and people who rarely get dates even though they are meeting new people all the time.
Your job is to work on achieving an 10/10 or a near 10/10 score in these 8 segments to maximize your dating success.
How Do You Fare on the Wheel?
If you are currently single and open to dating, I welcome you to assess yourself with the wheel of dating.
- Rate yourself, on a scale of 1–10, for the 8 segments of the wheel.
- Mark the scores on the wheel and connect the scores with one line.
- What are your lowest scoring areas? Identify them.
- Then, think about how you can address these areas and bring the scores up to a 10/10.
Hope you found this model useful for your dating journey. 🙂
Proceed to Part 5(c): The Day I Became a Pickup Artist