This is part one of my five-part series on how to move on from relationships.
- How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 1: My Journey With Love
- How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness
- How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
- Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
- 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship
My Journey With Love
(Originally written and published on Mar 8, ’10)
“To know whether something is meant to be yours, let go of it. If it returns, it has always been yours to have. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.” ~ Celestine Chua
Today’s entry is going to be my deepest sharing here to date. All along, I have shared many personal stories such as past disappointment, past emotional stinginess, my period of slump, parting ways with my best friend of 10 years, etc. Today, I’m opening up to you in a way I have never done so before. I’m letting you in on a secret side of me, a side I only unveil to my closest friends.
I’m not sure if you have noticed, but I barely discuss my love life here. It’s a part of me I have zealously kept safeguarded all this while. Out of my 140 entries, I have covered on almost every topic but love (save for 1 entry I wrote on 2009 Valentine’s Day on singlehood.)
However, this changes today as I share this with you, lock, stock and barrel. The truth is, my journey in love has not been smooth. There was a guy I liked 5 years ago, whom I’d refer to as G. G was the first guy I really liked. However, things did not work out and I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. For the next few years, I was subconsciously held back by this experience. It was in the past 1 year where I finally cleared off this baggage, healed my inner wound and liberated myself from the past.
I’ve been meaning to write about this and now I feel the time has come. I’m sharing this because I know there is at least one of you out there who will benefit from it. As you read this, I sincerely hope you can take away something for yourself.
This unveils the delicate and softer side of me, different from the usual go-getter Celes you associate with. But it’s me all the same – a me that has always been there, but you haven’t known about till today .
Seeking My Soulmate
I have always been the die-hard romantic since young. Whether it was watching shows, dramas or playing games, I always enjoyed the love stories the most. I would relish in witnessing the characters meet each other, fall in love with each other and overcome trials and tribulations to be together. The main lead would always have a special someone – a soulmate, who held out for him/her, who was steadfast in his feelings and would give it all for person he/she loves. Their love stories would always pan out to happy endings. It was always a beautiful experience watching this unfold.
Other than experience love vicariously through these shows and games, I wanted to find my soulmate, the special someone whom I could connect with. While I’ve always been the strong, independent girl, there has always been a part of me who wants to be loved, protected and cared for. As I was growing up, I was not able to find this guy who matched what I was looking for. I was in a couple of relationships which lasted just a few weeks, and that was about it. I met new guys and occasionally went on dates, but I wasn’t interested in them.
Yet, I remained ever hopeful that my soulmate was out there and I would meet him in time to come.
I think it was during my second year in university, 2004, when I first met G. I was 20 then. We had a couple of classes together and ended up as project mates in one of them. Many of my first few encounters with him were hazy. What I distinctly recall was I totally did not consider him a potential romantic interest. This was such an irony on hindsight.
Our friendship started like any other. We worked together in projects and met in classes. We occasionally ran into each other on the campus. When we did, we would hang out to chat, getting to know each other in the process. Because of our positive experience working together, we arranged to take more modules together in the next semester.
During the next semester, with 3 of 5 modules together, we saw each other more frequently. We would always sit next to each other in class. During class, we would write and pass notes to each other; notes which were sometimes relevant to the class and many times, not. Outside of class, we would meet up for project work. A large portion of our time on campus was spent with each other. When we were out of campus, we would be in contact via email, sms or chat. Our friendship gradually evolved from one of normal friends, to good friends, to very good friends.
As I got to know him better, I was very impressed by him. He was very smart and capable, easily one of the smartest person I knew then. He was reputed among teachers and students alike for his top results. We clicked intellectually, in a way I couldn’t with others. For his abilities and achievements, he was amazingly humble. He never spoke about them until he was asked, and even then he wouldn’t talk much. His kindness also won me over. He had a heart of gold. I never once remembered him expressing negative intent of any sort toward anyone.
To top it off, G would treat me in a special way. He was very sweet to me. He would always be carrying my stuff for me, rain or shine, whether it was my books or my laptop. When I was down and out, he was there with me, listening and supporting in a quiet manner. There were several incidences when I felt frustrated, and he would be patiently hearing me out. I was moved by his patience and kindness. I began to open up to him more and more.
G’s behavior toward me was beyond just “good friends”. There was something about the things he did, the words he said, his behavior around me. I definitely knew the difference between behavior that was nice and behavior that was romantic. I had several very good guy friends and their actions toward me could be described as “nice” and “caring”, but definitely not romantic.
G’s actions and words toward me were clearly more romantic than platonic, and different from how he acted toward other girls too. When we talked, he hinted about liking me, saying things such as how he liked looking at me, how I was “his Celes”, that he felt “jealous” when I mentioned other guys, and the like. Whenever we were together, I could feel his attention was focused on me, to the extent it made me feel weird. He made promises, such as to respond to any communication from me within 24 hours, no matter how busy he was. He said no matter what happened, he would never let me get hurt. And so on.
Because of that, I really thought G liked me. I talked about him with several of my close friends, both girls and guys, and they unanimously agreed. This hypothesis was sealed when a trusted friend between me and G confirmed that.
To be honest, I was really flattered. I thought G was an incredible person. I really felt he was. For him to like me – I didn’t even know what exactly he saw in me. I had never tried to hide myself when I was with him. As a result, he had seen some of my worst sides, some of which I wasn’t exactly proud of. I was boisterous, hot-headed, blunt, inconsiderate, self-centered, critical and judgmental. He, on the other hand, was kind, caring, smart, capable, calm, composed, charismatic, patient, gentlemanly, sweet – the list could go on and on.
Yet at the same time, I felt we were very compatible. While I was the Type A, fiery and go-getter girl, he was the calm and cool-headed dude who balanced me off. We were both driven and competent in our own rights, always setting goals and achieving them. We were both accomplished individuals, be it in academics or otherwise. In University, we were Dean Listers, actively involved in inter-school competitions/activities, often invited to exclusive event for top students and had our futures sealed with top companies. He was pretty much what I was looking for – in many ways, more.
I thought I had finally found my soulmate and began to fall for him. I thought I could finally start my love story. Little did I expect I was in for a heartbreak later on.
This is part one of my five-part series on how to move on from relationships. Continue on to Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness.
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