This is part 3 of a 5-part series on how to move on from a relationship.
- Part 1: How I Moved On From a Heartbreak – Part 1: My Journey With Love
- Part 2: How I Moved On From a Heartbreak – Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness
- Part 3: How I Moved On From a Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
- Part 4: Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
- Part 5: 10 Steps To Move On From a Relationship
Note from Celes: Hey guys! Thanks so much for your beautiful comments regarding parts 1 and 2 of the series. Every single one of your messages has brought a warm smile to my face. :) Drop me a comment after you finish the whole series; I’d love to know your thoughts. :) *hug*
My Journey in Moving On
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Thinking About Him
After we parted ways, I focused on living my life. Staying away from G made it easier to move on. No more confusing signals to throw me off track. No more mind games. No more ambiguity. While I was hurt on the inside, at least now I could focus on the path of recovery rather than be left hanging in no man’s land. I was sad and disappointed that G was not the one, but I remained hopeful that my special someone was out there and I would meet him someday.
Yet, a part of me still thought about G. This tended to arise in certain moments, such as when I was by myself, when my friends talked about guys/relationships, when I saw couples together, or when I was down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness, and disappointment over how things turned out. Regret about what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and left me breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions dried into numbness.
When I was down or out of sorts though, I would feel an urge to contact him. I remember there was a time in 2006 when my mom was in the ICU after a surgery. It was the worst period of my life — I thought she was going to die and I was going to lose my mom forever. While I was crying my eyes out at the hospital, I wished he was there with me. However, I held myself back from contacting him because I didn’t want him to see me in this state, especially not after what happened between us. Thankfully, my mom recovered a few weeks later.
There was other times when I felt troubled and wished I could seek solace in him. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding myself that staying away was for the better.
Occasionally he would sms me, to wish me happy birthday, to share a festive greeting, or on something random. Sometimes I didn’t reply, other times I just responded with a courteous message. I figured talking too much was pointless, since I wanted to draw a clear line from him. I tried to keep communication with him minimal to protect myself.
Living In A Loop
I wasn’t exactly able to maintain the distance with him though. Over the next three years between 2006 and 2008, there were two times when I contacted him. The first time was in 2006,when I just started work and I felt bogged down. The second time was in mid-2008, when I wanted to leave my ex-company to pursue my passion and I was contemplating how best to deal with the situation. Looking back, these were times when I was less sure than my usual self, when I needed support. It wasn’t surprising that he came to mind then, since I saw him as my pillar of support in the past.
Each time I contacted him, we almost immediately clicked like in the past. This was despite not being in close contact for almost a year each time. None of us mentioned the awkward incidences that led me to break away back in school. For the next few months, we quickly grew closer and closer, talking late in the night, emailing, meeting up frequently, and just hanging out. And again, he would treat me in the same special way that was more romantic than platonic.
In all honesty, I removed the possibility of us being together when I made the decision to stay away in 2005. I had contacted him because I just wanted to talk to him, not to see if we could be together. Thus, when the whole romantic vs. platonic behavior began, I was skeptical of his intents. I kept him at an emotional distance while enjoying the friendship as it was.
However, as we talked more and went out more often, I thought perhaps things had changed since the last time. Maybe this time, he was serious. Maybe this time, it was real, you know? Maybe by not reciprocating, I was closing myself off from love. With renewed hope and faith, I decided to give this another shot. I began to respond in kind.
Yet after the initial pickup, things would reach the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity — a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship relationship. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop — repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept reenacting itself, except it had no ending.
Once again, I was saddened and hurt. When it became obvious that nothing was going to change, I broke away — silently this time. They say once bitten, twice shy. And the third time is the charm. When this happened the third time in 2008, it finally sunk into me that nothing was ever coming out of this friendship/relationship. I had given it (the relationship) one too many opportunities to play out and it didn’t.
With a heavy heart, in Dec 2008, I decided to move on for good this time.
(Actually in that month, I experienced two huge disappointments — this incident with G, and another about addressing money barriers while pursuing my passion. In Jan ’09, I wrote about how I overcame the latter disappointment. I didn’t write about G then because I wasn’t ready to. Today, I’m finally ready to do so, having gone through the realizations below that have helped me move on.)
Realizations that Helped Me Move On
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It took a long while, but I finally moved on four years after we first broke away from each other in 2005. The funny thing about these past four years is there were many times when I thought I had moved on during this period, only to find out afterward that I hadn’t. I’m glad to say now that this entire episode is now behind me. For sure, this didn’t happen overnight — it was through little steps, little realizations along the way that helped me to finally put the past behind me.
Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me
Regardless of how his actions were romantic vs. platonic, ultimately I realized that if G was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. There was no need to dance around at the sidelines, not after all these years too. Not in 2005, not in 2006, and certainly not in 2008. There could be one billion and one reasons why he didn’t take further action but the fact was he chose not to do so. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did, I saw things much more clearly.
Realizing He Was Not The One For Me
During the times when we were close, I saw G as my soulmate. So when it turned out that nothing was coming out of the friendship/relationship, I found it difficult to see myself with someone else. Even as I went out with other guys, I would often compare them with G. My preset bias made it difficult for guys to measure up against him, so as a result I turned my back on other guys.
But then I realized if G was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again, each time culminating to the exact same ambiguity. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted in the same outcome. To have it happen once was enough — but to have it happen three times, across different time periods — it proved beyond any doubt that nothing would come out of this. I kept trying to look beyond that but it was a dead end. A dead end. There was nothing beyond that. I finally realized that G was not the one for me at all.
Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” — Lewis Smedes
Deep down, I hated G for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? Why did he keep quiet when I confronted him? Why did he continue on behaving that way even after I told him to stop it?
No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed this trust. All the promises he made in the past were just empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was resentful.
Beyond that… I was angry at myself. If he was supposedly a jerk, then I was angry that I even allowed myself to be fooled by a jerk. If he was irresponsible, I was angry that I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I had let myself get hurt. I had let myself down.
Last year (three months ago in Dec 2009), I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him… and myself. I was dragging the past emotional baggage around like a dead carcass all this while, punishing myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself.
After I realized this, interestingly, I experienced some inner resistance in me. It was as if I didn’t want to let it go, like I didn’t feel it was fair to forgive him after what he had put me through. But then I asked myself: So do you want to carry around this whole baggage instead? And think that you are making him pay when you are really just punishing yourself? Upon hearing this, it took a few seconds before I consciously decided to let go of the hate. The anger. The resentment. I suddenly realized I had been so silly, holding on to all of these for so long, never ever realizing that I was really just the only person suffering the whole time. When I finally let them go, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt lighter immediately, like some invisible weight was lifted. It was liberating.
Letting Him Know the Truth
A closure couldn’t take place if he didn’t even know what had been happening all this while. I thought he deserved to know the full story all these years. Not to say that closure is contingent upon a conversation with the opposite party — it isn’t — but in my case, I felt it was necessary, especially because of the very ambiguous nature of our connection, and how I felt I was, in a way, stringed along in this whole situation for so long. I felt I should bring to his awareness the implications of his actions, for his own journey of growth, and for the well-being of whoever is in his life / crosses his life in the future. What he decided to do after that was his personal choice.
So in same month of Dec ’09, I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the key events that happened between us, starting from 2005. From when I liked him, to breaking away, to living in a loop for the few years, to breaking away again in 2008. I told him how I felt he was irresponsible in his communications. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.
I didn’t expect him to reply. To be honest, it really didn’t matter at all because the email came from a moral obligation to let him know the truth of what had been going on, rather than to get an answer. Whether he answered or not, or whatever his answer was, didn’t matter anymore as I had put this behind me.
If you want to know, he replied within the day, expressing surprise at the contents of the email. He gave his side of the story, saying since we were in university, he really admired me, my passions, courage, and values. He said he also found me to be caring, smart, and pretty. Because of that, he really liked spending time with me. Back then, he was unsure of whether to pursue the relationship romantically, but ultimately decided what he really wanted was for us to stay as good friends. He explained I always had a special place, which was why he always treated me exceptionally different from other people. At the end, he apologized for the hurt he had caused me.
His answer helped draw light on the events of the past few years. I replied back, thanking him for the apology and that I accepted it. I was thankful that the loop was finally broken. #14 of my key highlights for 2009 was actually referring to this.
Living For Myself
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The final closure I needed was with myself.
Regardless of my multiple hypotheses on why G and I were not together, I had always concluded it was because I wasn’t good enough. If I was good enough, he would have wanted to be with me. While I stopped liking G since a long time ago, the fact that he didn’t want to be with me was a subconscious block. It was no longer about why G and I couldn’t be together. It became an issue of why G didn’t want to be with me. Was it something wrong with me? Was I not good enough to be with? This experience left a huge dent in my self-esteem.
This belief that I wasn’t good enough enveloped me like a quiet shroud. Consciously, I was sure of myself and my capabilities. Subconsciously, I kept thinking that I wasn’t good enough; I was not deserving of love; I was ugly, fat, unworthy, critical, judgmental, not feminine enough, etc.
Because of that, I went on a marathon of self-improvement these past few years. I kept thinking I was not good enough to be with someone. I worked on improving my temper. I cultivated patience. I became a kinder person, putting myself in others’ shoes and to be caring more for them. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be less critical and more encouraging. I tried to be more feminine, dainty, quiet and demure, against my natural demeanor where I was more open, forthcoming and earnest.
While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I would feel inadequate after a while, being overly self-critical and pinpointing how I could be better. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a month ago where I questioned myself, What exactly was “good enough” then?
I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough”. Pretty, short, petite, demure, quiet, kind, reactive, feminine, dependent, relenting, etc…. It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for G, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities then? Would I be together with G?
Maybe.
Would G be happy?
Probably.
Would I be happy?
The answer hit me with a quiet “thud“.
No… I wouldn’t be happy.
It struck me that even if I became a girl that G would like or what I thought G would like, it wouldn’t matter — because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. For what it is worth, that list is probably inaccurate. The point is, I was trying to change to fit into what I thought G or somebody else would like. Changing for that reason wouldn’t have gone anywhere far because I would never be happy that way. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.
Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion
With the realization above, it finally clicked within me that the relationship between G and me had been a mental illusion all along. Subconsciously, a part of me thought G and I would be together if I turned myself into Person X (with the X list of traits G was looking for). But the truth is, I can never be Person X. More importantly, I don’t want to be Person X. It is not what I see myself evolving into. This is not what I see to be in line with my growth, my life, my destiny.
Since the relationship between G and I can only exist if I’m Person X, in reality this relationship can never exist because I can never be Person X, nor do I want to be Person X.
It was a simple, yet powerful realization. When I realized that, it felt like a veil that had been covering me all these years had finally been lifted from my head. I felt the fog around me was gone. I had finally freed myself from the mental shackles I had put on myself all along.
End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next
Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 5 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been living under the shadow of this relationship all these years.
Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.
I’m glad to have finally gained closure on this and with myself after all these years. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The ones we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If you want to attract new possibilities, you need to first release the old baggage you are hanging on to.
Right now, some of you may be in an ambiguous relationship and not know what to do. Some of you may be in broken relationships. Some of you may be thinking of whether to return to a past relationship which didn’t end off well. Some of you may be trying to move on from an unhappy past relationship.
Many of us are usually not aware when they should be moving on — I was in this exact same situation. Continue on to Part 4: 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship. It’s over 3,400 words long — I’ve spent deep thought writing this and I hope it will help you find out if it’s time for you to move on in your relationship.
This is part 3 of a 5-part series on how to move on from a relationship.
- Part 1: How I Moved On From a Heartbreak – Part 1: My Journey With Love
- Part 2: How I Moved On From a Heartbreak – Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness
- Part 3: How I Moved On From a Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
- Part 4: Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
- Part 5: 10 Steps To Move On From a Relationship
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Wow. I was just in contact for the 3rd time as well, recently, with a guy from I think I’m finally moving on. You’re right. it’s like deja vu. We talk, have fun and have a great time, and then I start getting attached. eventually, I’m hurt & confused and we don’t have contact. Then we reconnect, and each time I hope that things will be different, but they never are.
This last time really hit me, and I think it’s best to close the door on him being a part of my life.
thanks for the post.
Hi Celes,
I admire ur courage and the way that u got over it!
I am actually living the same story as urs and trying to figure out how to get over him.
the issue is that I am convinced that we’re not meant for each other, but he’s insisting that we must get back together.
We’ve also experienced living in a loop.
He’s contacting me again and again and insisting that i’ll soon see the change in him and we’ll be back together.
I want to convince him the way that I became convinced but I don’t want any misunderstanding and I don’t want him to hate me.
He’s leaving me no space to get over him.
What do u think that I should be doing?
Hi Celes, just want to say thank you for sharing this. It can’t have been easy being vulnerable. Thank you for taking this risk.
My story has been very, very similar to yours. Down to the realizations you went through. It was quite freaky yet an amazingly happy thing to read this series. (The only difference is that I am a quiet girl wishing I could be more outgoing, haha)
I’m really happy you’ve moved on. Now it’s my turn to be as strong as you have been.
And just one more comment, the fact that you wrote that you thought G didn’t like you because you “weren’t good enough” just seemed preposterous to me, though it is a common reaction to have. Although I don’t know you, I believe you are an incredible individual just from reading this blog.
Thank you again for dealing with the situation in such a positive and mature manner and being a reminder that this reaction IS possible. So many of us choose the easy route to nowhere.
Hi Celes,
I’m not the original ?!?! , but then again, after reading your post at Problogger, for some reason, I feel obliged to give you my 2 cents worth of advice :)
First of all, understand that life is like a train; People come and people go, when their station arrives. Even your most closest, dearest ones will leave you when their destination arrives. Destinations could be of any nature – Spiritual, Materialistic or even Death. All you must care about is your OWN destination. Try to serve as many people as you can during your journey. Don’t care about the rest who intrude your path. For example; – ppl like ?!?! They are only meant to teach you some valuable lessons . You don’t have to explain anyone about your validity or worth. In fact I’m a new reader and it just took me a few seconds to realize how much of a hardworker you really are.
Good work so far, Keep it up. Will add you on Facebook soon. Now gtg for dinner, bye.
~Imagination is POWER~
Ahh.. the fucking train methaphor again.. Go play somewhere else… your stop just next to hell.
Celes, I’ve not had many comments here but everything about this series shows why people ought to connect with you. your focus on learning from this experience and in particular your vulnerability you have by exposing this deep thought process shows a lot of your character and what life means to you. I am particularly liking your thoughts on forgiveness as that to me the crucial part of moving on from any such experience and as you said, you much do this by forgiving yourself in order to ever be free again, since otherwise it is simply a self imposed burden when you do not forgive.
Thanks so much for your sharing this great series
Hello Celetine,
First of all let me congratulate you for the tremendous amount of courage that you have shown in bringing your emotions out, reflecting upon them and sharing your realizations and learnings with the rest of us.
“Life is what happens to us when we are busy making other plans” – this is one quote that I often repeat to myself. There are so many things in life which we plan, think and expect to go exactly the way we want them to be. And if anything deviates from our “plan of action” we find ourselves in a state of panic, hurt and despair.
The burden of expectations that we often throw on situations and people around us destroys the beauty of the moment. And we stop living the “present” that has been gifted to us. This is often the cause why relationships break down and shatter, leaving both people involved in a state of delusion.
“Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful” – understanding this thought deeply and apply it is the way freshness and the excitement of a relation can be maintained for weeks, months, years and decades. I am not saying that this is “the” way to make things work, just that this is the most beautiful thought that I found and realized about.
All the best.
-Ashutosh
Hey Celes,
This whole piece is very brave of you, especially to put out to the hundreds of followers and critics you have with your blog.
I would say how great of a post it is, but I think everyone else will cover that before and after me. So I will simply say – good luck :) I’ve watched your blog and dream grow over the last couple of years since you first contacted me, and despite all of the thorns I throw at your positivity sometimes, I’m really happy to see you getting so many good things from chasing your passion.
Keep it up girl, and don’t let anyone (not even me) cut you down – you’ve got a lot to offer this world, and lot of people’s lives to touch, before you’re done!
Did anyone really understood the meaning of letting go? To really LET GO totally, quite contradictory, one must ACCEPT totally! Accept that the friendship cannot be developed into romantic relationship. Accept everything that has happened, be it good or bad, be it what you wish for or do not wish for. There is no need for any reason or explanation. There is no one’s fault. In this specific story, all the sadness and anger has been the result of some misunderstanding, mis-communication and broken hopes. Celes, if you and G are able to smile and laugh off those past misunderstanding, and remain as life-time soulmate, I believe that will be more valuable and fortunate.
You’re fortunate to have found a soulmate. So do treasure it.
hey
Your story is similar to mine. I had this jerk guy in college who took advantage of me to pass exams, get good grades and eventually when i told him i had a thing for him, he was silent. He also ridiculed on my back to his friends who called me “fat” and gave me names. Guys can be jerks. delusion in love is very common. We tend to believe everyone and everything. This can only get painful toward the end.
casper
India
Hi Celestine,
I just wanted to say THANK YOU for your current serie of articles about moving on from a heartbreak, because I’m exactly in the situation you describe.
I’m in a “relationship” with a girl who just doesn’t know what she wants. For the last 6 months, she’s sent me signals that are totally contradictory … We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs in fact .. I haven’t seen here since last december and she always has a good reason to tell me not to come … then to come, when she feels I’m moving away from her … then finally not, when she feels I’m here for her again …
So, I’ve just had enough and decided to move on. And you articles just came at this very moment. I know how hard it has been for you, because I’m living it just right now …
So thanks again … I wish you the best for all your future projects … and I wish you to meet THE special one …
Guillaume (from France … you have readers from all over the world !!)
what a great gesture of generosity, grace and gratitude.
I think this is a good story you are sharing here. Thank you for the insights to deeper understanding and breaking-down the whole thing about “unfruitful” relationships, or sort. It gives everyone an example of how they should also be reflecting and learning from their past and/or present relationships. Thanks Celes!
To ?!?!, I believe that Celes had also tried as much to share and present everything in an unbiased way.
phew! i can completely relate to the entire series so far! The anguish that such an ambiguous relationship causes, is far reaching than an actual “break-up”, since they usually have definate reasons! Anyways, i am looking forward to the next post, since i find myself surrounded by people in such relationships all the time… maybe i can help them, next time…
Celes, the thing about such an episode is, that you really can’t let go of the person, for he hasn’t harmed you intentionally… and you have a sense of gratitude toward him for being there during all this time, and for just giving you some amazing time… currently, am at a stage where this is exactly the reason that i am unable to let-go! It’s not that i like him or have any feelings, but i do know, that i need to let him go out of my life completely if i need to move on, and just letting go of a friend for the above reasons seems selfish and guilty… esp since i know, he really didn’t do it intentionally…
am i being fair to myself, here?
Btw, i am sharing your link on my FB profile… thanks for this series again :)
@Ode Writer, thanks Ode! :) Regarding the guy in your life, it seems like an interesting situation because you said that you don’t like him nor have nay feelings, but why do you need to let him out of your life to move on though? There might be something hidden that’s not explored, something that’s making it hard for you to move on. Try to uncover it and you might just get the answer you are looking for. Let me know how it goes :)
Thanks for taking the effort to write this article.
However, on the flipside, I’d like to ask if you’ve ever been in a very serious relationship before? How long did it last? What were the ups and downs, and how did you overcome them? How did it end, and why?
The story above about G is on unreciprocated affection. If you can – hopefully please share a happy story abt yourself. The kind where you know both love each other such much “it hurts”. Have you ever experienced this? Was this before or after G, and if so, how did the G experience carry over?
If you could share in as much detail as you did the G story – I am hopeful that we’ll be able to distil even more lessons from you.
Dear Celes,
You have pour your feelings and heart into writing this. We are sometimes mistaken by the way other person treats us (either in love or family ) in relationship. As the time passes we get to know and also get the feedback of ours from them.
I am glad he is a good friend and had the guts to reply. Because to give an explanation of ‘no’ takes a lot of courage which he did. I am also very happy that you took the decision to write so to make the things clear forever.
You will definitely find your soul mate soon and we all will be able to hear from you about your feelings.
With Luv and Hugs,
Cheryl Paris Blog
hi Celes,
thanks for sharing your past relationship experience, it was interesting and educative indeed! you are doing a great job benefiting your readers with this disclosure, keep it up.
well, good thing about your story is that you / we learned important lessons about relationship and don’t forget, it’s not you alone, this happens to everybody in some way or the other in relationships.
the bad part about him is that he didn’t let you know his mind all those years keeping you in confusion :( however, it’s good that you have forgiven him and yourself and moved ahead in life. one who forgives always stays in a higher position than the one who is forgiven!
ultimately what matters in life is to live a happy life. if relationships make us a happier person, then, we should welcome relationships, otherwise, it’s wiser to be away from any hook-ups so as to prevent unwanted hurts & heart-breaks.
so, your final decision about that relationship is absolutely correct [rather it should have been taken some years back itself].
anyway, cheer up Celes, we, all friends are out there for you :)
Celes’s post on this issue is enlightening. I think the underlying major point in this series is about letting go and to remain emotionally unattached to past wounds caused by unfruitful relationship.
While this is easier said than done – for it does require a bit of realisation on the part on the person undergoing such plight, I think this problem can be resolved sooner (instead of waiting for the eventual inner realisation to surface) using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).
Under EFT, it is said that “the cause of all negative emotions is a disruption in the body’s enerygy system”. I find this empowering for if it is so, then we are actually dealing the root cause, and to subsequently bring about real change.
If this is new to you, then I would urge that you take a look at this technique. It can help resolve all kinds of emotions.
It has been endorsed by many self-help/personal development gurus such as Deepak Chopra, Eric Robins and Bradley Thompson.
Can check it out here: http://www.emofree.com/
Hi Celes
Have always enjoyed reading your posts. Your story reminds me of my past. Male version. I have stopped trying to be someone I’m not anymore. There’s always something to be learned. Never make someone a priority when to them, you are simply just an option.
Hi Celes,
Thnx 4 the article. I believe you deserve s1 who truly loves you for who you are. For me, I really dn like G at all, he seems dishonest. I hate it that he made you sufferred that much. He’s not an idiot, he should have realized it. He’s not the only man on this earth. Good luck!
The insight you show is really incredible. You are in your 20s but you have the insight of a woman who has lived many lives. I love reading your blog enteries because I always learn something new or in some cases my own experiences are put into words by you. Thank-you for that.
Your insight and ability to see past the fog and haziness of life is such an incredible gift, and you deserve someone that will cherish you for Who You Really Are.
.
Thank-you for sharing your story. It is the story of thousands if not millions of us out here. We can all see ourselves in your story, and your insight can help us move on or see the experience in a new light.
You REALLY are a winner!
~Shadan
I don’t mean to be callous, but why didn’t any of your friends tell you that he’s just not that into you?
I find your article incredibly self-centered and biased. I cannot even believe that given you guys were never together that part IV even dares to be entitled “top 12 signs to move on from a relationship” since the question should be was there even any commitment to begin with beyond friendship?
Having your heart “broken” because of a cheating spouse or a divorce is something that calls for forgiveness, or accountability from another person. But simply for someone who doesn’t love you / or couldn’t be made to love you? That is disappointment and bruised pride.
The lack of distinction in the article indicates to anyone who has been in a serious relationship / marriage / commitment that you have years to go before you understand what heart break and real forgiveness is. The superficiality with which you have pursued “self improvement” is apparent in the complete lack of understanding or awareness of how the other person may feel, or perceive what may be viewed as some public denouncement.
What happened to the ability to reciprocate with quiet and stoic courage, especially when the other person has treated you with generosity, patience, and decency, and has already bothered apologizing for what appears to be no wrongdoing? Is your life-coaching endeavor aimed at airing all your ongoings publicly at the risk of losing a good friend and his trust? Is this what you hope to impart to your readers?
Even then, there were plenty of instances where there were indications in your article that he is incredibly nice to everyone, not just to you. Have you ever asked the question, if he had responded that day that he just didn’t like you and never would, would that make you feel better or worse? Did you even bother pointing out to your readers that perhaps that was his way of not hurting you?
To some extent, have you ever asked yourself if your aggressiveness in persisting in thinking this way was only allowed because he is too kind as a friend?
I find it incredibly difficult to comprehend why these articles are being written to begin with. Is this how independent, smart and mature women deal with their problems? I should hope not. Is this how forgiveness is meant to look or feel like (if it is even required)? A perfectly decent and generous person’s character is being hauled up for discussion for your readers’ interest and examination? Do you not think in some way that deep down inside, behind the upfront discussion of how you want to “share” and have people “learn” from these experiences that there is a hint of moral superiority and derisiveness?
Throughout your article you write about your demands, how you felt, how you sent him a mail, how you explained how you saw things. At the end of the day I think you forget that love cannot be “made” to happen and asking for some kind of accountability from him is ridiculous and delusional. To even say, “Oh I walked away because I just couldn’t be the person that he wanted” is not saying the same thing. Do you not think that you should take some accountability from having forced him into a corner to a lose-lose situation? He is a good friend, but if he admits he likes you he is with someone he doesn’t love, and if he doesn’t you persecute him for having these standards for you that you cannot “conform” to. If you ask yourself honestly – is this what happened – I think you’ll realize how he never asked for anything. You imposed these on yourself and on your friendship.
It sounds like this person comes from a place and age and moral background where being there for a friend counts for something even if it puts him at the risk of being misunderstood. Very few people would to this in this day and age. Thanks to you, it is unlikely that he will err in being too generous as a friend ever again to anyone.
And even after he’s clarified everything, have you in your article ever once asked –
How could I have been a better friend to him?
hi i think you missed out the most important part
about the fact that celes had repeatedly given him the benefit of the doubt.
but yet he kept treating her in a way that was obviously more than platonic.
plus it was confirmed by a common friend that he had feelings for her.
@?!?!,
Relationships are relationships romantic or otherwise, and the depth and quality of self that I, for example, am willing to share with another directly relates to me as well, because I have to be accountable for what I say, both in word and action. To be unwilling to stand behind your words/actions is a failure to live honestly, openheartedly thus transparently. And even though it may look differently from the outside, “G’s” actions in this case, disrespected Celes by not allowing her to “see”, thus she could not accurately navigate the messages she received or trust her inner reading of the situation. Frankly, it’s manipulative and likely a sign of unrealized fear on the part of “G”.
Like it or not, we mirror to each other the best and worst of ourselves and this is what attracts us or repels us from others, yet each relationship teaches us more about ourselves -if we’ll let it -thus propelling us toward growth. So who I’m drawn to and the feelings it evokes in me, should tell me where I’m at both in terms of self-love, and self-respect.
Globally speaking, I believe this is designed to keep us searching for and moving toward a better, more realized self; which in turn makes us better contributors to the human psyche, raising the ceiling in terms of condition and quality of the global mindset. On a personal level, it’s simply the same thing -grooming our selves as individuals to build upon past experiences, thus create more dynamic relationships next time.
We each experience “heartbreak” in our own way, as it is a subjective matter. Who we are and how we behave to the world isn’t always indicative of where we’re truly at. -The level of honesty we share with our self usually being the reason. But as we’ve heard here, the in-congruency presents itself over time; calling us to trust our insight regarding those we care about, and is the point in all of this.
I didn’t get any sign of man bashing or victim mentality from Celes. I never heard any sign of “force”; no one being “cornered”, and no sign of “persecution”. Additionally, I couldn’t find any “derisiveness” in this blog as you state, though I did hear some in your response.
So rhetorically speaking, what about her story is your story?
@Ali, couldn’t the same be said of your comment?
@?!?!,
~ From the standpoint of her story being mine? Sure! Her story is mine in many ways, and I felt gratitude while reading it because viewing “my own story” through her experience allowed me to “see” new perspectives, from a new vantage point.
@?!?!, A relationship is a connection between 2 people, not just love, so that’s the same premise by which I’m using this word here. This term is invariably going to be linked to love though, since love is usually the most intense of relationships and has a higher propensity toward being hurt/needing to move on than other types of relationships.
I’m aware that G and I were never in an official love relationship, and this is also why I spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how to write this in a way that best helps others and yet doesn’t misrepresent what actually transpired. I finally decided on the current article title/theme as the best option that presents the situation accurately and will help connect with readers who are undergoing the same situation. It would seem that this is the case, based on the reception of readers so far.
I’m sorry if you felt it was in any way misrepresentative to you, because that wasn’t my intent. Even if it is misleading in any manner to anyone out there, I’m sure the readers are mature, discerning and conscious adults who will be able to immediately realize the supposed discrepancy upon reading the story itself.
This article has never been written with the intention to “haul up” someone’s character for discussion. The theme of the article is clearly written with the intent to share how I have moved on from a past that had hung over me for years, and how people who are in similar situations can move on too. I believe anyone who is conscious enough will be able to get this same message in reading the article/series. If the intention was to really to “haul up” G’s character for discussion, the article wouldn’t be written the way it had been written.
I’d also like to clarify your comment on “At the end of the day I think you forget that love cannot be “made” to happen”. It is with understanding that love cannot be made to happen that I did not pursue it further the in the past, and had in fact almost immediately let go of the relationship each time I realized it was going nowhere. What I was looking for was the accountability of truthfulness/openness/honesty from person to person, a best friend to a best friend. I believe keeping silent, giving what a regular person would consider as misleading signals, continuing with said actions even though it’s been earlier communicated that they are misleading, aren’t in alignment with the fundamental principles of truth/openness/honesty which I look for. Perhaps they may not be what you look for in a friendship/relationship, but they are what I look for in my friends. Even then, in the end I accepted this was the way it was going to be, so it was a positive note when G offered a form of explanation. I consider this a form of added closure and I’m thankful to him for his reply, as I have mentioned in my article.
All these being said, I’ll like to highlight that while I’m open to constructive criticism, I have no tolerance toward hostility and defamatory comments. If you’d like to comment here, please conduct yourself in a manner that is respectable to my readers and me. Thanks. Any further comments that are not in line with the guideline will be deleted promptly.
@?!?!,
There is more than one way of having one’s heart broken, outside of cheating and blatant betrayal. Yes, most of her suffering came from inside her head, but it doesn’t make them any less real. There is also more than one type of relationship. Sometimes, even with close friendships, there comes a time when it needs to end, if it becomes destructive to you. Moreover, I don’t fully agree that they weren’t in a romantic relationship of sorts. You don’t know the exact details, and to write a novela sized, judgemental comment was cruel and in pretty bad taste. If the post didn’t speak to you directly, that’s fine, however, I’ve been involved in a similar situation, that had to do with an on and off long distance relationship, which left me broken for a couple of years. Although I’m fine now, if I had read this post half a year ago, I’m sure I would have found it enlightening.
I am actually going through something similar, although I am younger now than you were at the time. I have some of the same confused feelings and depressed feelings during the time that I’m trying to figure out where we sit with each other. It is a constant state of confusion and just doesn’t seem fair. The feelings I don’t share are the inadequacies.
I’m so very glad to hear a story similar to what I feel right now. Most people think when they are going through such things that they are the only ones that feel that way, and I am no exception. It’s very refreshing to know I’m not alone.
I do hope to get away from this confusing time, but the girl I am interested in will be living near me and visiting frequently whenever I move away to university. The question now is: How will I overcome these feelings if they follow me? Unfortunately, we still seem to be good friends, but that’s not what I want from it.
Thanks for sharing your story Celes! I can’t wait to read the rest in this series.
@Jim, I found there’s never anything more empowering than having clarity. So I’ll recommend you get clarity on her feelings. Let her know your feelings, and understand from her where she stands. If she likes you, she’ll reciprocate. Waiting it out will only be wasting your mental energy, because then you’ll just be entertaining a lot of “what ifs” and “maybes” in your mind, a lot of which probably are going to untrue.
I wish you all the best, and please do let me know how it goes.
@5 (butterfly):
You will move on, it takes time. I met a girl a few summers ago durng a summer internship in Silicon Valley and lost touch with her without any sense of closure whatever. I do suspect that a large part of the (subconscious) reason I moved out here in 2003 was to find her. Well, I did: she’s now married with a daughter and I’m still single — go figure. So I suppose I got my closure.
These sors of situations aren’t simple and they do take time to get over, even if closure is reached.
As I sit here in tears, because your story is so close to mine, I wondered if we could communicate? I feel you could help me move on. I would love for you to read my story and ten maybe process the info of my love life these past 5 years, and help me realize things. I am struggling even to this day, my ex on the other hand has left me feeling so disappointed and shot me down for writing a book, a blog (which I had so built for myself) and now that I have deleted all of the work I did, I am rebuilding but still struggling. I have never heard anyone else tell me their story that hit so close to what I went through, everythin you said in this post, I mean OMG is all the feelings I had. I would so appreciate your input and help. I give a hands up for moving on, I only hope someday I can too.
@butterfly, if there’s just one thing I want to bring out through sharing my story, it’s that happiness wouldn’t come out of changing yourself for someone else. Even if you might be happy, you’ll just end up living in his shadow in the long run. From what you described of your ex, it sounds like the relationship is very skewed, with him being such a dominant role that it’s riding into your personal identity.
For sure, if you feel the need to connect directly, please feel free to email me through the contact form – https://personalexcellence.co/contact/.
I believe that each human being craves to be with a partner, a mate, the other one. That is a basic natural, biological need. Adam was lonely so even God knew that he needed Eve.
I just had my heart broken in a similar fashion, but I do not feel that I am not good enough. I do not have thoughts that I have to improve or change myself. I am just ready to have someone in my life. That’s where my situation is different from Celes. I am fine as I am for someone else.
Well, I am back as a single lady and as I continue on, I believe that I shall attract the right partner for me.
Celes,
A big thank you for your words…all of them. Your writing connects instantly. Your insights are very appreciated. Thanks, again for sharing. Looking forward to your next post.
Rosie
Celes;
Your wisdom, self-acceptance and growth are so evident in these pieces. Wow! I resonated with everything you said in your journey. One of the truths I repeated to myself, during my own journey through wanting someone who was wrong for me was, “it is a delusion to believe that there is only one person who can bring you happiness.”
I believe that there is also an element of seeing something in the other person that we want to develop in ourselves. Wanting the person is really a longing for some of the qualities that they have. I found some of the growth that my unrequited love spurred me to be as valuable as it was difficult. The energy generated through longing spurred a great deal of growth, which, like you, I am deeply grateful for.
I really look forward to the next post. Jennifer
@Jenn, I totally agree with you that when we like someone, it reflects certain qualities we desire/want to develop in ourselves. It’s also kind of how people we respect (mentor figures, leaders, etc) embody traits we want to have too. I’m really happy for you that you have been able to channel your unrequited love into a constructive experience. I look forward to connecting with you more :) *hugs*
Hi Celes,
First up thanks for the chance to comment, I think that your blog is excellent, but I wouldn’t bother wasting your time or mine sending you an email to say that.
It is a funny situation this, it’s obvious he loves you in his own way, maybe he sees you as a sister that he never had (or the sister he always wanted). Found it a bit strange that when you expressed you feelings to him that all he did was remain quiet. Even if he was shy to talk about his feelings I would have thought that it would have been easy for him to write a letter or even an email to a close friend.
But what of you? You are obviously intelligent and pretty, there must be a tonne of boys who would dream of having you as their girlfriend!
Why have you not found someone else? Do you think that you were so obsessed by this unrelinquished love that you were blind to other boys; or maybe none of them just matched up to the image you had of the boy in your head.
Changing yourself to be someone you are not in the hope that someone will love you is never a good idea and it is nice to see that you now realise that.
What of him, has he been seeing anybody else, has he already moved on? Maybe he is just happy on his own for now.
Anyway, it’s 2010, you’ve hopefully put the boy behind you, and who knows maybe this will be the year that you find your soulmate and he will give you the true love you dream of :)
@Deano, thank you so much :) You’re simply too kind and sweet. I chuckled when I read the email you sent me last week, regarding your reaction when a girl professed to you when you were 8. I thought that was absolutely adorable of you!!
To be honest, I’m not exactly sure why I’ve not found someone else. Over the years, in my journey of growth, I’m beginning to get insights in this area. One of the insights I’m getting lately is my aversion to attachment. This has made me emotionally unavailable in the area of love/relationships (but not friends/colleagues though, since intensity of those relationships aren’t the same as love). I’m definitely going to dig deeper/explore this/along with other areas moving forward.
Regarding him, I’m not sure. I’m very happy with everything that’s happening in my life now and I hope he is too. I wish him all the best with whatever he does in his life.
Thanks again Deano, you’re an absolute dear :)
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