How To Deal With Unsupportive Friends and Family

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I often have clients who tell me that they’re frustrated with friends and family who are not supportive of their goals.

I’ve written about unsupportive people before (e.g. How To Tackle Naysayers and How To Deal With Critical People), though they are not about unsupportive friends and family per se. In this article, I share what to do when you have unsupportive friends and family.

When Your Friends and Family are Unsupportive

First off, don’t feel bad if your friends and family are unsupportive of your goals. Just because others don’t support you doesn’t mean that your goals are not worthwhile. If anything, they are probably more important than anything you’ve ever wanted to do!

It’s common to face resistance when you pursue big dreams. This is especially if the people around you are fear-based. For example, maybe they are not interested in achieving bigger ambitions in life. Maybe they are only interested in following one set path in life without thinking of life’s possibilities.

Having said that, let’s understand what you define as “unsupportive.” What is an unsupportive person to you? Is it someone who (a) actively discourages you from pursuing your goals? Or is it someone who (b) is neutral, perhaps slightly nonchalant about what you are doing, and doesn’t actively render help?

When Friends and Family Don’t Provide Active Support

For some people, (b) is seen as being unsupportive, even though that may not be their intent.

For example, say Jane wants to start a photography business. This is her first time starting a business and she is extremely excited. She talks to her boyfriend John who listens but doesn’t provide any help. Dejected, she concludes that he is an unsupportive boyfriend.

Notice that the boyfriend provided a listening ear, which is support in a way — moral support. Jane feels that her boyfriend is unsupportive because he did not offer help, such as in the setting up of her business. He also did not share suggestions on how she could build her business.

But it’s possible that he didn’t do that because she didn’t ask. It’s also possible that he doesn’t know anything about photography or business management and hence did not offer any suggestions, lest they were unhelpful.

Example: Starting My Business

When I started Personal Excellence many years ago, I approached some of my friends and asked them if they knew teachers in public schools. I was building my trainer portfolio and schools are potential training avenues. Being directly referred to the teachers by someone they know would give me more credibility.

However, most of my friends either said they didn’t know anybody working in schools, or that they had some teacher contacts and said they would follow up, but never did.

Initially, it was disappointing as it felt like they weren’t supportive. Singapore is a place where most people know at least 1-2 people working as a teacher, so it was hard to imagine that almost everyone I approached didn’t know any teachers. As for those who said that they would help but didn’t (even after I followed up), it felt like they were paying lip service to their promise to help.

However, when I reflected on the situation, I realized that they were not being unsupportive, but merely offering what they could in their capacity. Some may not be willing to go the extra mile for someone unless it’s a close kin. Some may not be in close contact with their teacher friends and hence it would be a hassle to reach out to them for an offbeat request like this. As for those who promised to reach out but didn’t, perhaps they wanted to reject my request for these reasons but didn’t know how to say no.

Instead of faulting them for being unsupportive, I should be more appreciative of the handful of gems who pushed through with the favor in the end. And I definitely did, after coming to this realization. These are the people whom I know I can rely on for help in the future, and also the people I’d go out of my way to help as well. (Not to say that I won’t help those who didn’t help me, but that I’ll make more of an effort to help those who have supported me.)

The Psyche of Someone Embarking on a New Goal

Uncertainty Leading To Increased Reliance on Others

Sometimes when we pursue things that really matter to us or things that are brand new to us, we may feel more sensitive and vulnerable than usual, since we’re in an unknown territory — which causes us to seek more validation and support from others than we normally do. We become more reliant on our existing relationships to provide that.

And when the people around us don’t provide enough validation and support, we conclude that they are being unsupportive.

However, as I’ve explained above, this may not be so. Our friends and families may not be trying to be unsupportive — they may simply be behaving this way because that’s just the way they are. There can be other reasons too. Maybe they are busy with other things at the moment and can’t give you the kind of support you seek. Maybe they don’t know that you’re actually seeking support from them.

3 Problems With Expecting Constant, Full Support From Others

The first problem is that it’s not reasonable to expect full support from your friends and family all the time, for every single goal you pursue. That’s because other people have their things, including their own problems, going on in their life. They may not be able to give you the support you need all the time.

Here’s another way of looking at it: Would you like it if your friends and family members constantly complain about how you are not giving them enough support for their goals (whether you’re doing so or not)? You may wonder why they are so needy and demanding.

The second problem is that it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship with them. If it bothers you that your friends and family don’t give you active support each time you work on your goals, you may be expecting more from them than they can give you (at this moment). This suggests a lopsided relationship dynamic that should be looked into.

The third problem is that it may well not be within their ability to help you, especially if the kind of support you’re looking for is intellectual (ideas) or resource-related (contacts or money). They may not have the knowledge or resources to support you.

What You Can Do: Redirect Your Support Needs

Due to the problems of expecting constant support from others, I’d actually suggest you reduce the pressure you’re putting on your relationships by redirecting your support needs elsewhere, be it internally (yourself) or externally (other people). If I may say this, this is a great opportunity for you to practice to be more self-sufficient.

1) Identify Your Support Needs

Here’s what you can do. First, identify the kind of support you’re looking for by understanding what you’re missing from the people around you. Is it…

1. …Moral support (support in terms of spirit)?
2. …Physical support (physical presence, companionship)?
3. …Emotional support (listening to you, understanding your problems, encouraging you)?
4. …Intellectual support (offering ideas, recommendations, analyses)?
5. …Resource support (sharing contacts, loaning money, providing valid resources, etc.)?

Take a piece of paper and write down the category of support, as well as specific details about the support you need, in relation to your goals. Feel free to write more than one category. List as many details as you want per category.

2) Identify How You Can Redirect These Needs… and Start Working on Them

Next, work out how you can redirect these support needs, assuming that your friends and family can’t provide them for you.

Say you need resource support in the form of connections (like in my example above on seeking teaching contacts). How can you get the contacts yourself? (E.g., going to related networking events, looking on social media sites like Linkedin and Facebook, and looking up related websites.)

Or say you need intellectual support in the form of business ideas. Can you borrow some books on business management from the library, do some self-reading, and build your skill in this area? Can you seek out new contacts in the business world and approach them for help instead? Would you want to get a business coach with relevant experience to help you with your business goal?

Or say you are looking for emotional support. Can you connect with like-minded folks who are doing the same thing as you are now (perhaps on online forums), read related blogs, and/or join related interest groups in real life? These people may be in a better position to empathize with you. (Read: How Do I Meet Like-Minded People?)

For example, if I’m working on losing weight, I reckon I’d get more support and empathy from people working on the same goal as I am, as opposed to a friend who has never had weight problems and has no interest in weight loss as a subject.

Identify these steps, then start working on them.

3) Have a Heart-to-Heart With Those Whose Support Really Matter

For the people whom you really want to get active support from (e.g., your partner, best friend, or parents) but aren’t giving you that, a heart-to-heart is in place.

Let them know that the goal you’re working on now is really important to you. Because of that, you want to share it with the people most important to you, i.e. them. Let them know that you are currently in a delicate place in your goal and their support is crucial in helping you succeed.

While you’re at it, tell them the type of support you would like from them. This should be support that only they, and no one else, can give you. As I said above, it’s not realistic to expect your friends and family to be the sole providers of all the support you need for your goal — your request should reflect the essential support you need from them.

At the same time, take the lead in supporting them. Ask them what are the goals they are working on now and give them support for those goals. For example, ask them how they are doing in those goals (emotional support), visit and patronize their businesses (physical, moral support), and connect them with people whom you think may help them in the area (resource support). This lets them know you care; it also shows them the joy of getting support from loved ones in our goals.

When Friends and Family Actively Discourage You

If you are facing (active) discouragement from others regarding your goals, then you need some tact to handle it.

Firstly, take their discouragement as a good thing. Sometimes the most powerful goals can seem scary to others and make them openly shut down the people pursuing them. Maybe your goals remind them of things they should be doing but aren’t. Maybe they firmly think that your goals are not going to work out when they are actually misinformed and ignorant about what you’re doing.

Here’s a quote that I shared in 8 Tips To Tackle Naysayers, which happens to be one of my favorite quotes:

(Download this from 15 Beautiful Inspirational Wallpapers For Your Desktop)

When I decided to quit my corporate job and pursue my passion years ago, I faced resistance from everyone as I shared in my naysayers article and in this Ask Celes reply. The resistance didn’t daunt me though — in fact, I took it as a positive thing because it meant that success was going to be sweeter when I achieved my goal. The resistance also made me more determined to pursue my goal and succeed, because then I could show people that everything they said was merely limiting beliefs, and that anything is possible in this world (something which I’ve always believed in since young).

Secondly, people’s discouragement usually reflects their inner fears and beliefs. For example, if you have someone discouraging you from pursuing your goal to become a dancer, it says more about their belief that dancers don’t make good money or that it’s hard to make it as a dancer. However, this is only their belief and not a fact.

When I went on my 21-day fast in 2011, tons of people discouraged me, with some saying I’d die, and others adding nothing valuable to the table except showing their attachments and fears surrounding food. Obviously none of their fears came true because they were merely their fears and not the reality.

Thirdly, when your friends and family make a point to share their disapproval, that’s really just their own way of saying, “Hey, I care about you.” It’s just that they don’t know how else to express that, especially if they are not good at expressing themselves. Hence, be happy and find joy in the fact that they are really trying to show care and concern for you.

What To Do When People Actively Discourage You

So how should you handle such a situation then?

1) Address Their Concerns (if applicable)

What I wrote in this article pretty much sums up what I have to say:

…you don’t have to shut out others’ opinions in these areas –
(1) Remain open to feedback from others, but at the same time evaluate them consciously.
(2) Understand the source of any concerns so you can address them accordingly.
(3) Adapt your plans if needed, but only if it helps your end vision.
(4) Discard the unconstructive feedback at the end of the day.

Follow the four points above and you will be in a good place. You don’t have to be defensive about their discouragement (after all what resists will persist) – understand why they react this way, and address their concerns accordingly.

2) Focus Your Energy on Your Goals (Let the Results Do the Talking)

If the unsupportive people in your life still proactively discourage you after you have tried to address their concerns (in a logical, calm manner, not by shouting or arguing), then clearly it doesn’t matter what is said to them, because now they are reacting from their hangups, and not so much about your situation.

At this point, it may be best to focus your energy on your goals and show them that you know what you’re doing through your actions and results, and not through verbal talk. Don’t spend too much time entertaining their fears, because you’re just delaying your progress. Let your results do the talking.

Know that rejecting your goals or plans doesn’t mean they are rejecting you per se. It just means they want you to be happy and they are unsure whether your goals or plans can lead you to happiness. Use their discouragement as an impetus to succeed faster and on a grander scale, as a way of letting your friends and family know you are in a good place and they need not worry about you.

3) Tune Them Out

Having people discourage you regularly regarding your goals is definitely a very disheartening and dampening experience.

I recommend tuning them out. Perhaps don’t cut them out totally from your life, but at the very least, reduce the time you spend with them. The tips I wrote in 8 Tips To Tackle Naysayers will come in handy here.

In the End: Learn To Be Self-Reliant

At the end of the day, having unsupportive friends and family shouldn’t deter you from achieving your goals. It’s not sustainable to always be reliant on others to give you support anyway, because others have their priorities just like you do, and those priorities may not always include you.

And I’m not saying this in a “Boo-hoo, we live in a cold world and there’s no one we can ever rely on” sort of way. That’s a ridiculous, self-limiting thought. I’m saying this in a “There are people who do want to help you. But there is a time and place for everything, and it’s not fair to expect constant attention and support from others all the time” sort of way. There comes a time when you need to step out on your own and become the person you are meant to be.

To begin with, your goal should be self-fueling and naturally drive you forward. If you’re not capable of achieving it at the moment, that’s okay: develop the ability by cultivating the necessary skills. Knowledge can be built, skills can be learned, and new relationships can be fostered. If you are always dependent on others’ support for your success, that means you will enter into limbo whenever people are not around to support you. That’s not a healthy situation to be in!

Whether others provide support for you or not should be a secondary factor, not a primary one. Great if they can give you support — cherish that and make the best out of it! If not, appreciate what you can get from them, while learning to redirect your support needs elsewhere, via the steps I outlined above.

Take this as a big step in becoming a more self-sufficient and self-reliant person. Believe it or not, this is actually a great opportunity to build your identity outside of the current relationships you have and to come into your own. Say your name is John. Who is John? Who is John outside of his relationships with others? What is he capable of accomplishing by himself? These are some existential questions you’ll probably end up addressing during this journey.

Interestingly, you may find that as you become more self-sufficient, the people around you begin to show more interest in your goals. You will definitely find that you start to be more confident, less needy, and more directive in what you do. That’s when you become a fuller person in your own right and not someone who only exists within their relationships.