This is part 2 of a 5-part series on dealing with anger where I share my history with anger, how to let go of anger, and how to deal with angry people.
- Part 1: My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 1: Growing Up in a Household of Anger
- Part 2: My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 2: The Damaging Effects of Anger
- Part 3: My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 3: Healing From My Anger
- Part 4: How To Deal With Anger: Your Gentle Guide to Removing Anger for Life
- Part 5: What To Do When You Live with Angry People: 7 Tips
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Recognizing the Presence of Anger in My Life
After realizing the anger in me (read part 1 if you haven’t), I began to be more conscious of the presence of anger in my life.
I noticed that I would feel really ticked whenever things didn’t go my way. It could be the littlest of things, such as the bus arriving late or later than I would like. It could be people standing in my way (physically or figuratively) when I was trying to get from point A to B. It could be the little kids in my neighborhood screaming at the top of their lungs when I was trying to get stuff done.
Whenever these situations happened, I would feel peeved and annoyed. I’d address this by first, eliminating the source of the problem. E.g. letting my friend know I would be late (if I was running late), blocking out the undesired noise (if the issue was noise), and so on. Next, I would shake off my angst by thinking about something positive or changing my train of thoughts.
While these actions would help, it didn’t change the fact that the angsty emotions were stirred up to begin with. While there are people who would be unaffected by such situations, I would be angered by them, for one reason or another.
Beyond day-to-day trivialities, I would be aggravated by people who behaved out of my expectations as well. For example, when my neighbors beat the sh*t out of their kids (to me this represented an inability to care for kids, which would stir me), causing their kids to yell and cry (which would frustrate me further). Or, when I worked with people who delivered subpar work. Or, when someone tried to get something out of me under the guise of friendship, which I abhorred since it violated my value of authenticity.
Damaging Effects of Anger: An Incident with a Friend
It didn’t hit me how damaging anger could be until I saw it on someone else.
It was a good friend who totally lost it with me. She was angry about something I had done, which I had no idea would upset her, and she took it to text messages to convey her anger.
The issue wasn’t that she was angry as much as how she chose to deal with her anger. For she went livid and began berating me via text messages, adopting a highly authoritative voice, putting me down, and attacking my actions and character. It was a complete 180-switch from the side of her I knew. Despite my best attempts to meditate, she refused to engage, but spoke in a high-handed way and continuously shut me off with mono-syllabic, terse responses.
In between her responses, it was clear that she was totally engulfed by her anger. I felt saddened, for this person whom I was communicating with was a far cry from the person I thought I knew. Here, I was speaking to someone totally livid, unconscious, arrogant, and unkind. It felt dark. It felt cold. It felt distant.
The anger was entirely in her court, for I did not feel angry at all. All I felt was sadness. All I wanted to do was to reach out to the friend whom I had known in the past two years, if she even existed in that consciousness, and reconnect with her. All I wanted to do was to restore the friendship which seemed to be breaking further and further with each passing second.
When it became evident that she had become totally consumed by her anger and there was nothing I could do to salvage the situation, I decided to stop trying. I sent a final message in peace (which received another mono-syllabic, terse response), and drew the line in my communication.
As I reeled back into my space, I felt a deep wave of sadness wash over me. Not anger, just sadness.
Then, I burst out crying.
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I don’t know why I cried. Perhaps it was to release the sadness that had built up inside me in that 15 minutes. Perhaps it was helplessness from not being able to salvage the situation despite my best efforts. Perhaps it was from knowing that this friendship had reached the point of no return. Perhaps it was from the inability to comprehend why some people would want to use anger to handle their problems, or even hurl their anger at other people, when rational, conscious discussion can be an option.
I decided this was the last leg for this friendship, and there was nothing more I could do.
While it was a question as to why she needed to be so angry, the real problem for me (then) was how she dealt with the anger. That she chose to direct her anger at me and egoistically put me down, and high-handedly denied all attempts at remedy and mediation, made me realize this person was not someone I wanted to be friends with.
I realized I have little to no space in my life for reckless displays of anger, for anger had been such a dominant theme in my life since young.
I can’t choose the family I was born into, and if my family members happen to be angry people, then so be it — I shall deal with them accordingly. But I can choose who I spend my time with, and if I have a choice, I would rather not spend any time with angry people (other than my family), much less such an irately angry person, or people who have not learned to deal with their anger consciously.
Self-Reflection: Realizing the Damaging Effects of My Anger on Myself
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While I didn’t feel any ounce of anger during the “conversation,” this episode made me think of the times I was angry. My experience with anger up till that point was as someone who grew up with and bore anger. This episode with this friend was one of the first times I got to witness anger as a third party (not including encounters with my family).
Being on the other end of the coin opened my eyes as to how damaging anger really is.
#1. Anger Has Damaged My Relationships
Firstly, my friend’s anger burned away the final ropes that held our friendship together.
Like I shared in part 1, because I was brought up in an angry household and knew how bad it was to be surrounded by anger, I make sure never to lose my temper at other people, no matter what happens. However, reflecting on my life, I could think of a past incident when my anger caused me to lose a budding friendship in school. I was unhappy about something that happened in my life and my friend was trying to appease me, only to be caught in my “fire.”
Honestly I don’t even remember what I said and I didn’t really direct my anger at him either (I was angry at the situation and was ranting), but it was enough to make him feel upset. Unfortunately, he refused to respond to any of my messages after that and I decided to stop trying too after the nth outreach attempt, so we’re no longer friends. If not for that incident, we might still be in touch today. We might be closer friends than we were. I will never know.
#2. Anger Has Hurt the People I Love (Whether I Realize It or Not)
Secondly, my friend’s anger had caused me — at the very least, someone she used to care about — much sadness.
While I have never asked the people whom I had lost my temper at before whether I had hurt them with my anger, I think it goes without saying that I probably did. From my family to the friend I mentioned above (from school) to acquaintances here and there, these people had probably felt saddened, at one point or another, by the words I said or the things I did during my moments of anger.
As much as I might have been angry for good reason during my short outbursts, I never want to cause hurt to someone else. It brings me much pain to know that I had probably caused anguish to someone else at some point in his/her life, because of a moment of anger.
#3. Anger Has Hurt Myself
Thirdly, throughout the whole “conversation,” it was evident that my friend was utterly consumed by her rage. That livid, out-of-control, and unconscious individual sending those rage-filled text messages? I had no idea who that was. I had never seen her before.
I felt so bad for her. I could see her burning in her own flames and fraying her heart, body, mind, and soul in the process. And the worst thing? She probably didn’t even know she was doing that to herself.
Reflecting that onto myself, I realized this was precisely what had been happening to me all this while. My fits of anger whenever things went awry, my unhappiness towards people who had let me down before, and my dormant anger from past events… I was being burned by my anger all this while.
No wonder my dentist once asked me if I clenched my jaw a lot (I didn’t realize it). No wonder my face would sometimes feel tired towards the end of the day (from all the tensing of my brow muscles and forehead). No wonder I would feel scrunched up in my heart whenever something violated my expectations. I had been hurting myself all this while with my anger, without even realizing it.
And these were just the physical side effects. Can you imagine the spiritual implications? The wear and tear my soul had undergone? The fraying of my soul? Or the emotional negativity, angst, and unhappiness that I brought upon to myself? All these had been unnecessary.
Other Damaging Effects of Anger
The three effects I listed are not the only issues with anger.
Another, more serious, implication of anger is its far-reaching effects on innocent third-party recipients who have nothing to do with it. Consider that my parents’ anger has resulted in me and my brother becoming such angry people. Consider kids who grow up with deep mental issues due to anger issues with their households. Consider that I have many past coaching clients and course participants whose emotional issues and personal problems can be traced to a certain angry upbringing from their past. Consider that there are probably many more individuals out there, impacted by others’ anger, who live their lives as slaves to their anger without ever knowing so.
Even looking at it from a productivity standpoint, I observed that I would frequently get thrown off track by little irks and annoyances, such as being irritated with my neighbor’s kids’ incessant yelling and screaming, babies’ crying, people who impose on me, and people with a low comprehension ability. These feelings of irritation would never last long, probably for one minute or two; sometimes stretching to five or ten minutes, but they are disruptions nonetheless.
Realizing a Third Path (No Anger, No Avoidance)
I had never thought of these irks to be issues in the past, as I thought they were normal and part of life.
However, what if they aren’t normal? I had already discovered (as shared in part 1) that my anger to life’s little hiccups was not a “normal” occurrence.
What if being annoyed, irked, and angry are *not* normal, *not* necessary and *not* part and parcel of life? What if I have been so easily irritable and annoyed all this while because of latent anger issues and because I have simply *not* learned to deal with life’s little hiccups in an angerless manner?
What if anger doesn’t have to be the way? What if I can learn to deal with life’s issues and unexpected circumstances without anger? What if I don’t even have to be angry to begin with? Wouldn’t that be truly beautiful?
As I questioned myself, suddenly I got an aha moment. I realized that it is possible to have a life void of anger, and that the possibility lies in my hands, for I am the one responsible for my anger.
I realized that if I am to create or contribute to an angerless world, and if I am to become an angerless person, I have to start with myself first.
Continue on to Part 3: Healing From My Anger, where I share the six steps I’m taking to let go of my latent anger and turn into an “angerless” person.
This is part 2 of a 5-part series on dealing with anger where I share my history with anger, how to let go of anger, and how to deal with angry people.
- Part 1: My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 1: Growing Up in a Household of Anger
- Part 2: My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 2: The Damaging Effects of Anger
- Part 3: My History With Anger and How I Let Go of It, Part 3: Healing From My Anger
- Part 4: How To Deal With Anger: Your Gentle Guide to Removing Anger for Life
- Part 5: What To Do When You Live with Angry People: 7 Tips
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Reading this n ur 1st article made me think of my mum and how angry she is. She is consistently angry at everyone and everything. She hates her inlaws, and cannot spend a day without talking about how much she hates them and how she’s going to show them up. She has driven my father away because she’s an angry vessel. She always pities herself and then blames everyone. She blames my dad for her being a housewife. She gets angry if we don’t support her anger. I have tried to tell her that happiness is a choice but she’s done nthng abt it. I am on a journey of letting go of bitterness myself, bcz I also have a habit of keeping regrets and harbouring anger at everythn that does not work out as I planned. But I can only help myself, n I don’t knw how to help her. Its eating her up.
Hi Ama, my personal advice is not to worry about your mom, but focus on yourself. Meaning, focus on fully healing from your anger. Your mom’s anger is your mom’s anger and you should not make it your responsibility to deal with it (because it really isn’t, and to try to do otherwise would be to impose yourself on her). Work on healing from within instead. You will find that when you do, the people in your external world will subsequently heal from their anger too, even though it makes no logical sense. Part 3 will share how I’m currently healing from my anger. Part 4 will share a guide on how of you can heal from anger, if you have any. I will be likely be having a fifth part on dealing with angry family members because it seems like a problem which many of you (including myself) have.
Reading part 1 and 2, I felt I was looking at myself in the mirror. I think the worst thing of all is being conscious about this continuous anger affecting my life and not finding a way out. I get angry about almost anything…to a point where I ask myself if I am mentally ok. I am very much saddened by my behavior and the way it ruins my relationships with relatives, and also how it ruins myself and my potential to be a better person in many ways.
I am looking forward to read part 3.
Thank you starting talking about this subject which I think is unfortunately affecting every single person in my family.
Hey Nic, it’s my pleasure. I’m glad you are finding this series helpful.
It seems that anger is an issue many deal with in their families. I’m personally glad that all of you are openly sharing about your problems here, because it is by first acknowledging the existence of the problems that they will get resolved. The later parts of the series will be focusing on resolution and steps we can take to address anger issues (starting with ourselves, not other people).
Another great article, Celes!
I’m so sorry about the situation with you and your friend. I’m not sure I’ve ever reached a point that high in terms of my anger, but I do know I’ve hurt people in the past with it. For me, anger occurs so quickly as a defense mechanism that I have no time to even consider it, before I know it I’m rattling off whatever I feel I need to say in order to “protect” myself. What’s worse is, even if I realize I’m being irrational, it seems to me that I keep it up because in that moment of being angry, I have more power than usual: I’m not shy and nervous Alexa but strong and takes-no-crap Alexa.
Of course in the end, that’s mainly an illusion. There’s nothing cool or good about the “power” that comes when you’re angry (especially in my case, where I speak without thinking and often make little sense anyway).
Here’s to hoping I can learn to get over the need for these outbursts. =)
Hey Alexa, thank you! No worries about the situation between me and my friend. The anger was merely a catalyst that revealed things or incompatibilities that laid underneath. So I don’t “blame” the anger for the breakup of the friendship per se; I acknowledge its effect as a catalyst but I also know that there is nothing to grieve upon. It may seem like a pity, but it is what it is, and I don’t regret what have been. I’m happy about the connection, the experience, and the memories that have been fostered in the past as they have helped me to become a better person in one way or another.
It sounds that you are much more conscious of your “anger” behavior than a lot of people, which is really remarkable. I feel that most people don’t even know that they are angry (kinda like how I didn’t know I was an angry person before I had the conversation with my friend B, which I had shared in Part 1 of the series), and until they realize or become aware of that, they can’t possibly resolve the issue.
I hope you will find the later parts of this series helpful for healing/resolving from your anger outbursts, Alexa. Let me know your thoughts when the articles go up. :hug:
Thanks, Celes! I’ve already commented on Part 3. =)
I appreciate the comments on being more aware of my anger than most people! I never really thought of it like that, I think I’m just hyper-aware of a lot of my “problems”. I just seem to be stuck in loops when it comes to exhibiting them! I’ve started taking action to improve myself, and I suppose even if that takes a while, at least I’m trying. ^^
I’ll be trying to work on some brain-dumping later (have one more class for today!), and I’m hoping maybe I can make some break-throughs (not sure if they’ll be on anger exactly, I’ve got a lot on my mind today). Thank you for being a constant reminder to look inside to solve our problems truly from within, rather than just trying to apply external “solutions” that don’t get to the root. :heart:
I get that “self-defence” feeling too! I’m probably trying to defend myself from sadness and disappointment, which would be even worse than anger (which feels at that moment like an empowering feeling). But in the end I realise I overreacted for some childish stubborn reason. And possibly decided to avoid someone to get back at them, which is only keeping me from good things!
Although, it does feel a little frustrating if they get away with having done something I didn’t like and I have no choice but to forgive them because I would lose more if I didn’t…
I totally understand the frustration. I suppose one way to think about it is that you have to pick your battles, because sometimes things aren’t worth the energy we put out.
Thanks for sharing, though! I’m glad someone else relates!
:cool: This was very insightful, it really creates a platform for me to want to change and do better. Passing this on to others will also be something that I have to do because this info is too good not to share. I have dealt with bottled up anger from close relatives for so long. If everyone just took the time to understand that there are other routes to take other than anger then things will go more smoothly. Thank you for all your articles and lists, they really help!!
Aw, thank you Chan. Thank you for wanting to pass this on to others; I think many can benefit from what has been shared in this series and I hope the information reaches out to as many people as possible.
I notice there are a lot of children in the world who are very lucky to have good parents and I then thought to myself what level of consciousness are those types of children on? Certainly nothing negative. We may perceive them as selfish at times, but to young children they have a completely different view to the world!
I came to the realization with an aha moment that all these negative levels, such as anger, come to us through bad experiences in the past where we then reach bad conclusions and consciously or unconsciously, like the anger, the bad emotions would then grow from there and become a very bad habit with both negative thoughts and negative feelings.
In our reality there are many people who have been consumed by negative emotions that seem to believe healing can be done by covering them up or looking out side of themselves for answers. I believe true healing can only be done when we are able to become aware that these emotions are there, that they came through to us through a negative experience, and that we don’t have to keep them but it requires real inner work for true healing.
The way I remove a lot of negative habits was being honest with myself on how they came through, how they are wrong attitudes and then thinking up good habits to replace them with.
In the case of Anger I thought of having Peace. Peace to me isn’t a feeling of comfort, nor pride in either life or myself nor pleasure. But peace is simply a relaxation, a deep calmness that can only come to us from within our heart when our intentions are child-like or set on trying to stay restful during the day.
Once this peace comes we can have a lot more wisdom and awareness. I started to develop this peace on me through being more observant to the world around me and trying to take a natural approach to my experiences and the experiences of others. I deeply sensed this was good from my inner self on my heart.
It required daily effort and work to think on good thoughts that produce life for this peace to grow, but it has now got to the stage that when anger would come I could easily replace it with this inner peace. I deeply believe what Jesus taught, that we reap what we sow.
When we deal with anger and remove it, I feel it’s important not to view removing anger as something prideful like we “conquered” it, but rather just something we healed… so we stay humble and respectful to ourselves and others. Use it to help show others how they can remove their anger without feeling prideful about it. Otherwise we may remove anger and replace it with pride, or we may hide anger and add pride to it!
It’s important to remember pride can also disguise itself as good or a fake-loving attitude where on the outside everything is good but inside there is this sense of more importance, and I feel both of these potential traps are disastrous.
In my life I came to a shocking realization when I was replacing these negative thoughts but with what? I realized pride was starting to take root and I had to do some very serious work to become more humble again, I just don’t want anyone else to fell into that trap either!
These are really good points and observants on what anger does and why not to have it Celes! I can tell you already are quite an observant person when you become more aware and light shines on your eyes!
It’s sad that you’ve had a lot to deal with on anger and with your family, I too have a family member who gets quite angry a lot. I was lucky that most of that anger didn’t come on me. But it is good that you have learned to heal it and you can now be writing this article which truly does help a lot!
Thanks you, looking forward to part 3, God bless!
“It’s sad that you’ve had a lot to deal with on anger and with your family, […] But it is good that you have learned to heal it and you can now be writing this article which truly does help a lot!”
Hi Stephen! Don’t feel sad about it. Like you said, it is a good thing because I’ve learned from the experience and now I can write and share about my healing journey with everyone. I’m grateful for every single experience I get (good or bad, it’s relative) because this allows me to relate to everyone out there. I would rather go through these experiences and learn to handle them than not go through them at all; it makes me appreciate the finer aspects of life better.
Thank you so much for your well-thought-out comment! I really appreciate it.
Hi Celes,
Thank you for sharing this series on anger. I have realized lately that becoming angry at others causes sadness–probably much more than we realize. I think it tends to cause the more immediate reaction of sadness rather than equal anger. And sadness is often beneath the anger in the first place. In many cases, I think anger is one level removed from a more authentic emotion of sadness. I think others usually respond from the more direct level of sadness out of shock at the anger. Thank you for sharing your experience and the opportunity for insights.
~Christina
Hey Christina, that’s a really amazing insight that anger is a representation of sadness. I would definitely agree with you too. One’s anger is a more violent, unconscious, expression of the sadness that is underneath, usually the result of lack of consciousness on the part of the individual. After the angry emotions are released, usually sadness will surface.
Hi Celes,
It’s something I’m finding to be true over and over again. A few times, I have gotten angry over the past couple of days. I stop and remind myself that there must be something I’m sad about. My initial thought is that it might not always be true and to brush it off and just feel justifiably angry. But if I take the time to dig deeper, I do find some sadness. It’s amazing!
~Christina
Dear Celes,
I just wanted to thank you so much for sharing your stories. I doubt you realise how many people you help on a weekly basis with your wonderful articles :dance: . But thank you, i have been a passive reader of your blog for many years now and although I always try to act on your advice I never seem to make a lasting change in my life. Hopefully I can change that by becoming more actively involved in your articles, as everyone strikes a chord with me, but until now I have never commented on one.
These first two installments of your anger series are brilliant. I too grew up in a household where my parents argued alot. And as a teenager and young adult I was incredibly insecure, nervous, depressed and desparate. Several years ago during a physcho-analysis evaluation the therapist who I was talking to for the first time said she thought I was very angry, I thought this was a really strange comment, I was crying my eyes out. Sad, depressed and utterly useless was how I felt, and had felt for years, but I had never considered myslf as angry. I always shied away from expressing anger and hate arguements and confontations, and I still do. But, honestly having just read your story about how you would get irritated by things not going your way or react angrily to people letting you down, it is like you are describing me. Although I never considered myself to be an angry person, I let my anger seeth inside me, eating me up whislt i crash and bang things around the house, it is clear that I am an angry person. Also I’m a perfectionist and so I get angry with myself for not living up to my high standards, as well as those around me that I care most about. I have aching facial muscles and constantly grind my teeth, especially when I’m asleep. And yet until today, i never really thought of myself as angry.
I really can’t wait to read the next installment as I’m determined to not be an angry person anymore. As a famous Buddhist quote, which I have often read and re-read, but never actually actively put into use says; You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. I have always known it was true, and hopefully now I can actively do something about getting rid of all my anger.
Thank you Celes.
Love, Janey
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