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“Hi Celes, I’d like to know how we can let go of the past issues (be it hurtful or disappointing ones). I acknowledge the steps to letting go but certain thoughts still surface like a repeating process. Is there such thing as letting go forever?” — Rine
Hi Rine, firstly, yes – one can let go forever; else it wouldn’t be called letting go! Someone who still harbors negativity about a past issue or experiences resurfacing thoughts every now and then (that’s outside of his/her control) hasn’t let go yet. If you experience a situation where certain thoughts surface on and off, that means the letting go process has not been completed.
How does one know when he/she has truly let go of something?
- When thoughts of the issue no longer surface out of the blue, even when you’re not thinking about it. It’s a past memory which you think about as and when you want to.
- When there are no feelings of negativity, sadness, disappointment, hurt, etc attached with the situation. Only a state of neutrality. (Note that neutrality and jadedness are two completely different things. Neutrality is a clean state with no attachments, no misgivings, no hang-ups. Jadedness is the result of blocking off one’s emotions.)
- When you have addressed all your grievances surrounding the issue, be it internally or externally.
How does one truly let go then?
I covered this in detail in the exercise for 30BBM Day 25: Forgive a Person. Basically, it involves digging into your grievances to the point where (a) you fully understand the source of your grievances (b) you obtain resolution on them. This resolution can be either internal, external, or both.
For example, let’s say there’s a past disappointment that plagues you every now and then. Rather than tackle it head-on, you push it away as a form of avoidance or (b) you cover over the disappointment with a positive emotion (say, via positive affirmations).
While either method gives you relief, it’s only temporary. After some time, the feeling of disappointment resurfaces. At this point, you can either do (a) or (b)…. again. The problem is, this only provides temporary relief again, before the same feeling resurfaces all over. And it will continue to do that like a broken record, till the day it is addressed.
Think of unresolved grievances like cork pieces on water – you can push them down and they will disappear – making it seem like everything’s okay, but it’s a matter of time before they float back up and create ripples throughout the water, disrupting whatever equilibrium you were trying to establish.
To resolve this permanently, you need to get to the root of your grievance. In short (from the exercise on 30BBM Day 25: Forgive Someone):
- Write down the thing/incident that’s bothering you.
- Identify what’s bothering you about this thing/incident. Write as many things as possible.
- Probe into your answers from #2 – Dig as deep as you can. This is to uncover the root cause. Don’t stop till you arrive at an aha moment. (Be sure to read my article on addressing root cause vs. effects so you know how to differentiate between a root cause and an effect.)
- Create a plan to address that moving forward.
Almost all my self-realizations I post at Personal Excellence have pretty much been arrived at via the exercise I created above. For example, my realizations in the parent series, the moving on series, procrastination series, the best friend guide, and so on.
Bear in mind that letting go isn’t a binary, one-off event. See it as a process. Say you process X% of an issue via 4 steps above. While thoughts of the same issue may resurface thereafter, you may find that the thoughts are now of a different aspect of the situation compared to before. You may also find that the thoughts now surface on a lesser frequency and with a lower intensity.
The next step, then, is to repeat the exercise above, so as to gain new resolution on the matter. Dig deeper to achieve new realizations. Take action on your new found lessons.
The key is to keep doing that as long as you experience any repeating thoughts on the problem. The day when the situation stops surfacing in your mind (outside of your desire), would be the day when you’ve finally let go of the whole situation. Bit by bit, step by step – it’s a matter of time before you reach there.
Be sure to read the following articles:
- Create Real Change In Life: Address Root Cause vs. Effects
- How To Move On From A Relationship (series)
- Be a Better Me in 30 Days, Day 22: Mirror an Annoyance
- Be a Better Me in 30 Days, Day 25: Forgive Someone
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Thank you for this article. Sometimes it takes a very long time to let go of some hurt and resentment. That can be taking a toll of us emotionally. That’s why we need people like you to remind, coach and inspire!
It is 6 years since my husband betrayed me and then left me after 30 years of what i had thought was a happy marriage. I cannot seem to get over the hurt. But I have learned to put it aside and get on with my life. I have accepted that i am always going to feel sad about losing the love of my life, but mentally I set it aside, and don’t let it interfere with my new relationship.
Hey Lindy! If your previous husband betrayed you after 30 years (of what was seemingly a happy marriage), then IMO he’s clearly not the love of your life. The love of your life is someone who will never put yourself in that kind of position, who will never hurt you and who will be there for you forever. The good thing is, since he’s not the love of your life, his departure has made space for someone else to enter, perhaps someone who will turn out to be who you are truly looking for. Just my 2 cents. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. :hug:
Lindy, I can only imagine the pain and hurt the betrayal brought. It takes time to let the inner wounds heal and this may even take years. Just be patient and gentle on yourself and talk about it with someone you can confide in.
Part of the process of healing will involve forgiveness for the person. I could be wrong but it sounds to me as if you have not forgiven him. If you have not reached this last stage yet, then it is hard for you to totally let go and move on.
If you have berated yourself for being ‘stupid’ to have been with such a man, please don’t. Be gentle with yourself and love yourself even more now. When one door closes, trust God to open another one for you. Focus your mind on the positive (though sometimes it may be hard) and keep your heart open to good things that will come your way.
I did a quick search online to find some relevant articles, hope this one will be of help:
http://www.aplacetoheal.com/betrayal.htm
I mean moving on from the mental/emotional baggage of a relationship where the other person has abandoned the child.
The letting go process is essentially the same as what’s outlined in the exercise in the post, regardless of situation/context. Understand what are the grievances from the incident and address them accordingly. Where one still remains disturbed/hung up over a past incident, it’s because the internal grievances have yet to be fully uncovered/addressed.
Thank you Celes. I guess sometimes we are actually still hung up over something and yet once in a while, things come up to the surface!
It’s my pleasure, Madeline. :) Remember that whenever things come to the surface, it’s a *good* thing – it represents an opportunity to clear off something from the past (as opposed to if it’s deeply embedded and affecting the person w/o him/her even knowing).
How do you let go where there are children involved?
I think you’re referring to how one can move on from a past relationship if there have been children borne from it? The Q&A above is about letting go of unhappy memories/baggage on a mental and emotional level. Where there are physical factors and practical concerns that doesn’t allow one to break away from a situation (e.g. children), it’s about identifying a plan to address them, rather than staying in a situation that yoy’re unhappy with. The latter doesn’t serve anyone and will only leave everyone unhappy at the end of the day.
Thanks for this timely article! It’s strange how your recent posts seem to be answers to what I’m looking for at this moment. Anyway, I’m on a decluttering project and I realise that it can be one way in the process of letting go. Because whether we are consciously aware of it or not, the things we have around us can be imbued with certain emotions and memories and some of these may be negative. For example, I have kept a big box of cards and letters from a long time ago (for so called ‘sentimental’ reasons). When I look at them, I’m reminded of all the friends I’ve lost touch with and they made me feel sad. So recently, I’ve thrown them away. As I do that, I thank God for the friends that I now have and I believe that I will find new friends as well. As some decluttering experts will say, throw away the junk so that you can make room for new things and better things to come and from experience, I know it’s so true. After dumping all the cards/letters, I’m already making some new friends that share similar values that I cherish very much! So do think about adding decluttering as part of the process of letting go! :)
Hi Ruth,
Your decluttering process sounds like that glass-full-glass-empty analogy too. When your glass is full, no more learning and growth can take place. We need to empty our glasses to allow for new things and people to come into our lives. For your case, letting go of friends that did not mean well is certainly a good way to empty your glass. Now I am sure you are attracting more true friends into your life.
One other thing decluttering or emptying does for us is that it creates in us a good habit to have an open mind to new things. Letting go of may past negative memories has a way to teach us all to embrace more in life. And we can only do that with an open and receiving minds for new ideas.
I hope your decluttering frees up more creativity and freedom juices for your growth.
BTW, Celes, thank you so much for a very simple process that can help us all release our pass demons.
Cheers
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