How I Found My Soulmate, Part 4: How I Realized My Husband Is The One For Me

This is part 4 of my 7-part series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how you can attract authentic love as well. If you are new to this series, read Part 1: My Journey in Love first.

Engagement shoot: Frozen, in a moment in time

On the roads of Glasgow (Photo from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot)

After Ken and I got together, I wasn’t too sure where things would go. I was happy that we were attached, but I didn’t know what to expect with our new relationship status.

My plan was to take things slow. So I shied away from telling anyone about our relationship, other than two close friends. So imagine my shock when Ken excitedly told me that he had told 20 people — his friends, family, and cousins — just a day after we got together!

His Excitement and Joy

I was surprised yet warmed by Ken’s enthusiasm about our relationship. While some guys may try to play it cool, he wasn’t like that with me. He was very excited after we got together and couldn’t hold back from telling the people around me, something he said he had never felt or done before with his exes.

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Previously, he had been in back-to-back relationships for almost 9 years. After his last relationship ended about 1.5 years ago, he decided to remain single as he didn’t see a reason to get attached, since he never found what he wanted from past relationships. That is, until we reconnected.

What’s interesting is that he’s normally very calm and composed, but he’s very involved when it comes to us. He told me that he was “truly in love,” something he thought he knew before, only to realize he didn’t until we got together.

Little boy and girl running on the field

I was warmed by his love and enthusiasm. I loved his sensitivity, reliability, kindness, caringness, and patience. This was a guy I could see myself with in life because of how genuinely caring he was towards me, and how emotionally open he was.

Uncertainty

At the same time, I wasn’t sure about our long-term future, primarily because I wasn’t sure about our mental compatibility. Mental compatibility in the sense of us having a common interest in intellectual conversation, sharing a passion for growth, and being a match in our consciousness level.

In our early Whatsapp chats, we would chat about daily affairs and what we were up to. It seemed normal since we were just reacquainting. As we got closer, we would have more involving discussions on other topics, such as people, events, things, and life in general. We would share our thoughts and learn from each other’s sharing.

While our conversations would always be constructive and rewarding, I did wonder if he was capable of more intellectual exchanges. For example, discussions about ideologies, worldviews, first principles, constructs, and root causes. I ideally wanted a partner who was mentally (and emotionally) compatible with me, so that we could have consciousness-raising discussions and push each other to grow in life.

Ken is high in EQ and we could connect very well emotionally, but I wasn’t sure if he was particularly intellectual, conscious, or passionate about personal growth.

Seeking Mental Compatibility Cues

So I tried to sniff them out.

During the times we hung out with his friends, I observed his interactions with them. Nothing stood out about his exchanges.

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I kept my ears peeled during our chats, but nothing really intellectually ground-breaking.

I also observed his day-to-day activities outside of work: clubbing, karaoke, daily lunch with his mom, and heading to the mall to play arcade games. Lunch with mom suggested filial piety which I already knew and appreciated about him. However, there was nothing that suggested he might enjoy brain work or was interested in personal growth.

Disappointment

Initially I was disappointed. I thought it would be great if we were mentally compatible.

Girl at window, looking out

This was especially because I felt a very high level of compatibility with him in the other three areas: emotional, physical, spiritual.

Emotionally, I’ve always wanted a partner who is kind. Ken is not only kind, but also sensitive, reliable, open, caring, empathetic, patient, sweet, etc. He is much more than what I could have ever asked for.

Physically, my criteria have always been to be at least my height (1.7 m), and to be presentable. Ken is taller than me (1.81m), well-built, charming, good looking, and very presentable in his dressing. Physically, he way exceeds what I was looking for.

Spiritually, it’s hard to quantify this, but there were various signs of synchronicity between us. For example, we began to dream about each other within weeks of reacquainting. I felt increasingly drawn to him as we spent more time chatting, which I could only explain as a soul-level connection.

After some thought, I realized that I was okay not being fully mentally compatible with my partner. If I am to really nail it down, the most important attributes to me in a partner are emotional availability, kindness, and caringness. Ken is already all of that, and so much more. I couldn’t have asked for more.

I figured that I probably didn’t need someone who 100% matched me on all four levels. That’s probably impossible, I thought. I can always turn to my more intellectual friends if I ever need mental stimulation, settle for a 20-30% mental connection with him, and celebrate our 100% connection in the other areas.

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A Surprise

So two nights after we got together, we had our usual nighttime phone chat. Our call started at 4am because I had to finish some work first.

Number pad

During the call, we talked about the usual things: updating each other on our day, and talking about different things in our lives.

Somewhere along the call, I made a side remark sharing a deeper perspective to something we were talking about. It was something about how the worldview one adopts affects his/her quality of life, and it’s in a person’s power to adopt an internal locus vs. an external locus of control, contrary to what many may think.

I thought he wouldn’t fully comprehend what I just said and would simply respond with a generic remark — something I would be okay with. This is the kind of response I normally get from others anyway, and I’m used to not being fully understood or having the nuances of my comments caught on.

To my surprise, he picked up on what I was saying and gave a thoughtful response.

Did I just hear him right? I thought, surprised.

Hesitant, I decided to take his response and run ahead with it. I started to share more on what I meant, along with my analysis and reasons why — fully expecting the conversation was going to come a close now as it was now heading to a level which I never speak at with others. Typically if I were to try to speak this way — openly, without holding back, and deeply, about the deeper layers of a topic — to others, I would either (a) be deemed intimidating, even when I was not trying to be, or (b) not be understood. So over time, I simply learned to hold my real thoughts to myself, while giving generic comments to most people in order to fit in.

To my surprise again, Ken was able to fully comprehend what I just said and gave yet another well-thought-out response, this time building on his stance further while providing his own point-by-point response to what I just said, combined with his own insights, examples, and analyses. This back-and-forth exchange went on for a few more times.

A Mind-Blowing Moment

By the time we were done, my brain had been stretched to the furthest corners of my skull and exploded in it. I felt like I had just sat through one of the most intellectual conversations of my life: our conversation had reached a level which I had never experienced before with anyone.

In my mind, I could only think, Holy ****, this guy is much more than what he lets on!!

Shocked baby

Breaking of Dawn

At this point it was already early morning, 6am. With a look of disbelief, I asked him if he knows he’s actually very smart (there was no better way I could put it). I also asked him why he doesn’t show this side of him around others. In all the interactions I had seen of him, he generally remains smiles, says very little, and then gives very generic remarks about the conversation.

He explained that he has always been observant of tiny details since young, be it words people use, colors, or objects. He would remember these details very vividly. When reading books, he is able to easily breakdown information and remember everything he reads.

While he thought everyone was like that, he later realized it isn’t true. So consequently, he decided to hide this side of him in favor of preserving group harmony, since others may not understand what he’s trying to say. And the side of him I’ve seen of him socially, is the side that he has cultivated over time as part of preserving group dynamics.

A Conversation That Would Not End

We proceeded to chat for the next… not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 hours.

Engagement shoot: Chatting endlessly under the stars

By the time we were done, we had talked for a full 8.5 hours (of solid conversation, not casual banter). We had chatted from 4am all the way to 12:30pm in the afternoon — without sleeping the day before.

And that’s not all — the reason we had to hang up had nothing to do with us feeling tired and wanting to sleep. It was because Ken had a work meeting to attend. In fact, we ended the call feeling all revved up from our exchanges, despite not having slept for the past 26 hours.

A New Realization; A Hint There Was Something Special

By then I was blown out of my mind, because I could now feel that there was something really serious going on in this relationship. Not that I didn’t think so before (else I wouldn’t have entered into a relationship with him), but this was beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

With this 8.5-hour phone chat, our connection suddenly evolved to a new level. Not only is he a perfect match for me emotionally, physically, and spiritually, he is also a perfect match for me mentally, to the point where we can talk non-stop for 8.5 hours without trying, at an intellectual level I’ve never spoken at with anyone else.

Personally, I had never had such a long phone call (or in-person conversation) with anyone up till then. My longest phone conversation in the past was — I don’t know — 3 hours and 45 minutes? Neither had he too (he said his longest phone conversation was 1+ hour tops with his exes; even then they would be chatting about casual stuff, not deep topics like what we just did).

If not for his work meeting, we would have gone on and on. We ended the call not because we wanted to, but because we had to.

This was the first time I thought, Hey, I think this is someone I can see myself with… for life.

Engagement shoot: Smiling at the man of my life

Realizing Ken is “The One”

Subsequently, many things happened rapidly in the next few weeks which made me realize that Ken is the one for me (on top of everything I’ve already mentioned above).

There are too many reasons to list them all, but just to share the key ones:

  • He loves me as who I am. He constantly tells me that he loves me, how I’m perfect and the only woman he’ll ever want to be with for the rest of his life, and how he loves everything about me: from my looks to my personality to my work.
  • He celebrates my success. He told me that he loves the fact that I’m a strong and confident woman, and he has no issue if his girlfriend is more successful or earns more than him. He said that not because I was earning more than him (it depends), but because he wants me to soar to my greatest height. Instead of being intimidated by my drive and what I’ve achieved, which is what I often faced with other men, he loves that I’m always striving to be the best I can be.
  • He is always there for me, rain or shine. When I’m sick, he would be by my side 24/7 caring for me, feeding me, changing my cooling pack, tucking me in, etc. When I feel upset about something, he would be by my side supporting me, even though I do not need him to. He is always be my side throughout every difficulty and situation.
  • We can talk about anything and everything. From frivolous banter to intellectual debates, we can talk endlessly about anything. There are often times when we lay on the bed chatting all night, only to realize morning is already here and we have not slept. At the same time, we are completely at ease with being silent and just enjoying each other’s company.
  • He is completely open with his emotions. No hiding, no closing off, no emotional unavailability, Ken wears his heart on his sleeve with me. He does not play games and is completely open and truthful in all our communications.
  • We can be 100% ourselves with each other. While with others we may feel the need to slightly monitor our behavior or display a different persona, with each other we are simply ourselves. We can be goofy, serious, sound off whatever is on our mind (including things we’re unhappy about), and be each other’s confidants.
  • He cares for my every need (even though I don’t need him to). For example, he often cooks for me, does the laundry, washes the dishes, and does other household chores (and same from me to him). He tucks me into bed every night, and pours a glass of water for me every morning after I wake up so that I get hydrated. I have never asked him to do these; he just does them because he says he enjoys caring for me.
  • He does little things that shows that he cares.
    • He remembers all our anniversaries and special events, and even sets calendar alerts for the important ones. He wishes me “Happy anniversary” whenever the clock strikes 12 on the fifth of every month (we got together on 5 May).
    • He keeps memorabilia of our key experiences together.
    • He constantly wants to buy flowers to show his love for and appreciation of me, though I’ve since told him not to do so anymore as I find them a waste of money.
    • He repeatedly affirms his love for me, even though I don’t need it.
    • He likes surprising me with heart shapes in our meals. For example:
      Heart shape in soup, made of bacon bits

      Mushroom soup; he cooked the soup and created the heart shape with vegan bacon bits

      Peas, arranged in a heart shape

      Chickpeas, peas, corn, and a walnut, all arranged in a heart shape. This was during our second month anniversary.

      Heart-shaped bread

      Wholemeal bread — he bit the bread into a heart

  • We resolve conflicts quickly. Like anyone building a a close connection, we have conflicts. When we do, we don’t leave the issues hanging for long. We resolve them right away, and we work on addressing the root cause so they don’t recur.
  • He has made huge positive changes since we got together. These changes include fully quitting smoking a week after we got together (previously he was a heavy smoker for six years, smoking 12-15 cigarettes every day), drinking a lot lesser (from eight pints three times a week, to one glass every three weeks, to only 1-2 cans of beer a few times a year), quitting clubbing, tidying his room to create a homely environment, and increasing his income. These changes revolve around improving his health and taking charge of his life in order to build a better future together.

A Soul-Level Connection

Looking back, there are many synchronicities in our relationship:

  • Us first meeting 9 years ago (mid-2004), only to reacquaint 4.5 years later (end 2008), and then to reacquaint again another 4.5 years later (early 2013)
  • My tarot card reading in Spain in 2011 which foreshadowed Ken’s entrance in hindsight
  • The exact lineup in our personalities and thinking. I’m a thinker, he’s a feeler; I’m intuitive, he’s sensorial; I’m more extroverted, he’s a non-verbal introvert; I have a vibrant and creative energy, his is one of calmness and stability. We have never met someone who fits us in the way we do with each other.
  • How Ken thought about being open to relationships again in late Feb this year, which was the exact period I decided I was done looking for someone and was going to focus on self over finding love
  • Him suddenly thinking of organizing his contact list one night (he never ever thinks of doing that), which led to him seeing my name, which led to us reconnecting while I was in South Africa
  • We got together on May 5 (2013), around 5:55am, though this date/time was not planned

For many of these synchronicities, I can only pin them down as our spirit guides trying to put us together.

We believe that nothing happened in the first two times we met because we were still growing in our own paths. We were not ready to be together. But our spirit guides kept putting us back together. And the third time is the charm.

By then, we have come into our own and built our lives, which was why we “clicked” and got together so quickly after one “hello” message. Within a few months, we began to feel like we are old souls who have known each other forever.

Twin Flames / Souls

For a quick timeline of our relationship, two weeks after we got together, we moved in together (we alternated between staying at each other’s places; we stayed with our parents, typical in an Asian society). A little over a month later, he proposed. And a year later (2014), we got married. While others might be quick to judge and say that this is too fast, for us it felt just right.

And today (2021), we have a cute and beautiful baby girl who is now two years old. We were complete before, and our household is now perfect with the three of us.

Apparently there is this term called “twin flames/souls,” and we feel that it could possibly describe our relationship:

Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together.

Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of 2 complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be “practice” for the twin, the ultimate relationship.

From: Center of Soul Evolution, on Twin Flames

Boyfriend, fiancé, husband, life partner, etc. — these are all just labels in the end. Ultimately, Ken is more than any of that to me: he’s my soulmate, and so am I to him.

Engagement shoot: The ring

What Helped Me “Find” Ken

Engagement shoot: Hand in hand, together forever :)

I’ve sort of littered these lessons throughout my story, but in short these are the things which helped me find and eventually be together with Ken:

  1. By focusing on my path “over” finding someone (Part 2)
  2. By first developing myself, coming into my own, and growing to be my highest self (though I believe it’s possible to find your partner even as you are growing, since life is a work-in-progress) (Part 1)
  3. By following the path of love vs. fear, taking a leap of faith, and not letting my fears get in the way of knowing and eventually being with someone (Parts 2 and 3)
  4. By recognizing what is my most-valued criteria in a partner (kindness, caringness), which allowed me to get together with Ken (vs. filtering him away), after which I then realized he is really my ideal partner (Part 4, above)
  5. By addressing all my personal issues and baggage early on in life so that I was ready to build my highest connection with Ken by the time he re-entered my life

What’s Next in The Series

Due to reader requests, I’m now planning a part 5 in the series where Ken gets to share his side of the story, Q&A style, so that you get to hear from the other person/ the guy’s perspective! I think this will be useful for those who want to get into a conscious relationship to get the full picture and better understand how the other party thinks.

So if any of you have questions for Ken, post them here!!

Update Sep 29, 2013: The Q&A with Ken is now up! :) Read How My Husband Realized I Am The One For Him (And Your Questions For Him, Answered), where Ken answers your questions and shares his side of the story.

This is part 4 of my 7-part series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate, and how you can attract authentic love as well.

(Images: Shots of Ken and I from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot, Kids running, Girl at window, Number pad, Shocked baby, Other photos by us)