(Image)
“Hi Celes, should I tell my ex I cheated on him before, even though that wasn’t the reason why we split up? He wants me back but this question is hindering my decision making.” — Sharon
Hi Sharon, I think whatever we do in life, it’s always good to be guided by a set of internal values. One of the timeless values that applies to everyone, and which will guide us to being a person of the highest consciousness IMO, is the value of truth. (Speaking of which, truth is one of my core values – I believe in being forthright and upfront in my dealings with people.)
Even though your ex may not know about your past infidelity, and even though it wasn’t the reason you split up, it doesn’t change the fact that there was once a breach of trust in the relationship. From your question, I’m assuming that it was agreed to be a monogamous relationship, where there would be exclusivity to each other.
The questions to ask yourself would be:
- Is keeping this incident from him in line with your highest self?
- Are you okay with keeping this from him for the rest of your life?
- If the situation was reversed, would you want to know the truth?
All 3 questions are linked with your commitment in living in line with the value of truth in life.
If your answers are no-no-yes, then you have your answer. The next step is to arrange for a heart-to-heart conversation, where you let him in on what happened in the past.
If your answers are the opposite of that, then perhaps telling your ex what happened is not a vibrational match for your current consciousness level. You may wish to keep the incident to yourself and not let him in on what happened. However, you have to recognize that:
- This is a front you have to keep up for the rest of the life (or as long as you are with him), in order to maintain the state of the relationship. By virtue of that, you are already suppressing yourself from being your truest self when with him.
- Assuming you enter into a new relationship with him, the relationship will not start from a place of 100% truth and authenticity.
- You have made the decision to withhold something fundamental to the relationship from him. As his ex as well as his potential relationship partner, you have to ask yourself if you are being fair to him.
- He made the decision to be with you based of his mental image of you, which is incomplete as he’s not privy to the full truth. This links back to point #1, whereby it’s a front you have to keep up for the rest of your life (or as long as you are with him).
- There is now more than 1 breach of trust. The first breach was when the infidelity took place. The second breach is now, by choosing to keep the incident from him.
- It will become a part of your past which you cannot come clean with.
IMO, if you’re even having an internal debate on whether to tell him about the incident or not, my guess is that you do want to live in line with the highest truth. That in your heart of hearts, you want to be open about what you did in the past.
The real issue you are contemplating over probably isn’t whether to tell him the truth or not, but fear of one or all of the following: (a) how he will react after knowing the truth (b) whether it will change the way he sees you (c) whether he will still want to be with you after you let him in.
All these concerns, while valid, doesn’t change the fact that the need to be upfront about what happened. With everything we do, we have to be prepared to handle the consequences of the actions. It’s a matter of handling them as they come along.
On (a), when you first tell him the truth, the response may range from one of these – anger/bitterness, denial, nonchalance/aloofness, sadness/disappointment/grief, to acceptance. Whatever the reaction is, work through it with him. Be ready to answer whatever questions are posed. Be ready to accept a backlash if there is one.
If any point you feel his response is unwarranted, bear in mind that his reaction is a delayed response to a past event. While it’s something you’ve known for a while, it’s something he’s only discovering right now. Hence, be patient in handling his reaction. Put yourself in his shoes and understand him from his angle.
On (b), don’t make yourself responsible for how others perceive you. The only thing you can do is to be a person of highest conduct and live true to your highest values. How others see you is a choice they make, which is outside of your control. Don’t let that affect your decision making.
On (c), give him some time to process the news if needed. Let him evaluate the situation, on a new ground.
If he still wants to be with you, then that’s great news. You can now make your decision without restraint. You can also rest in the knowledge that whatever happens next, you can remain true to yourself. There’s no need to withhold anything from anyone.
If he changes his mind, that’s fine. Then it’s not meant to be anyway. If both of you are meant to be together, it would happen even in spite of the obstacles. The important thing is you now know where he stands. Respect his decision.
For what it’s worth, after this long assessment and break down of the situation, it may be that it doesn’t matter to him, because it’s something of the past. And that it’s a matter of letting him on the truth.
Whatever happens, live in line with your highest truth. You can never go wrong with that when you stay true to the universal virtues of truth, love and kindness.
Keep us posted on how it goes.
Be sure to read:
- Be a Better Me in 30 Days, Day 23: Acknowledge a Shame or Vulnerability
- Be a Better Me in 30 Days, Day 24: Right a Past Wrong
- Be a Better Me in 30 Days, Day 25: Forgive Someone (Letting Go)
- Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From a Relationship
Update Aug, 2012: It’s been 10 months since this answer was posted, and I recently received an email from Sharon who updated me on her situation, and got her permission to write about it. :) Check out the follow-up post here: When Life Gives a Happy Ending
If you like my articles, join my community of 65,000 readers and get my latest articles delivered to your inbox. Your email is safe. 100% no spam.
“Is keeping this incident from him in line with your highest self?
Are you okay with keeping this from him for the rest of your life?
If the situation was reversed, would you want to know the truth?
If your answer is yes to all 3 questions, then you have your answer. The next step is to arrange for a heart-to-heart conversation, where you let him in on what happened in the past.”
Shouldn’t the answers be “No. No. Yes.”. :)
You’re right! The questions were rhetorical, so I didn’t think specifically about whether it should be a “no” or “yes.” Thanks for letting me know; I’ve corrected them! :)
Hello world
all thanks to DR OKOASE templeofgreatspell@hotmail.com for the reuniting spell he cast for me, my testimony goes like this, i was into a hard breakup with my ex who i was supposed to get married to, some little mistakes happened and he quit the relationship and told me that he is tired of me, the was the same person that always to me that he loves me he can do anything for me to make sure that i am happy always. so i was so surprise that he was telling me that he is tired of me, so i was crying when i heard this and unfortunately it was unable to bear the situation until i share my problem with my friend who directed me to this great spell caster DR OKOASE she said this man also help her to heal her relationship when she was having problems on it, so i choose to also give this man a trial to see if he can also help me, for i was so surprise the man who have not be answering my calls for so many weeks pick up his one and call me and start to apologize that he is sorry for everything that happen and ask me to forgive him for the pains he has cause me. so my people as i am talking now my marriage date is already fixed so am so happy to tell you that all this happened with the powers of DR OKOASE so i will happy direct you to this same great spell caster on his email: templeofgreatspell@hotmail.com once you contact him automatically smile will come to your face. once more contact this great spell caster for any help via his email address: templeofgreatspell@hotmail.com TRULY YOU ARE THE RIGHT EMAIL ADDRESS TO CONTACT.
PRECIOUS HILLS
The article really hits home, I often ponder about this question, but we’re together, he’s not an ex. I know hiding the truth isn’t at all in line with my values, one of which is truth/honesty. But the hard part is that we’re bond together financially, we moved into a new country a few months ago, and still struggling very hard with getting enough money to live. We couldn’t afford to go apart now, we would have to move back to the original country, which neither of us wants. I intend to tell him everything as soon as we’re financially stable and can manage to do apart. Like, if I told him now, whatever would he decide, he would be still bond to me financially and it would reduce or remove his choice to leave me. The infidelity happened a few months ago, when we already set every plans and preparations to move to the new country. Back then I felt myself suffocating, as this is my first many-years-long relationship, and as I discover, I’m not really that monogamous type of person, I want to have intimate relationships with more people, not just one.
So I don’t know what the future will be, but even though I stometimes feel very shamed and guilt, I don’t want to burden him with this, now that he couldn’t leave me and stay at the new country the same time.
One final note, I worry a bit, that if we stay together, me hiding this past event too long, our lives will be so entwined (shared house, goods, decades spent together) that we won’t want to leave due to comfort, even if we wouldn’t want to spend our lives together any more.
I think that’s all :shy:
Hi Celes, thanks for the advice. Believe me, it is something i want to do very much cos I want to live my new life post break up being true to myself and be the best person i can be. It is really not easy, especially not now. I was prepared to die with the secret.
What u said about me being afraid of the 3 things are true. Somehow i mind how he sees me a lot, even though we are no longer together. Weird. And we do still hang out sometimes, and i hope to maintain this relationship as a friendship this way. It is nice, he’s happy and i am too.. Until he brings up the matter of patching up.
Part of me want to tell him so that he will give up the idea. But part of me also feel like i don’t deserve a second chance because of that shame. This is not healthy to me as a whole too.
There is also a concern that what if I told him and it hurt him further? And if I have no intention to go back to him, is it better (and kinder) to keep mum about this incident?
I’m having conflicting ideas about this issue and I know it is not going to go away until I make a decision and stick with it.
So there’s a lot of too and fro going in my mind, and unless i am willing to give up this friendship, as long as i care about this friendship, i really don’t know how i can tell him face to face. I doubt i’ll have the courage.
Sharon, how about putting yourself in his shoes? What would then be your response to your own questions?
I have given the matter a lot more thought after my comment above. I have decided to tell him about the past.
It just doesn’t make sense for me to tell myself to be true to myself and yet run away from this, especially since he’s asking me back now and I guess this implies that the universe wants me to face my demons.
It is also unfair to him if i fabricate some cock and bull reason to reject him now as he will definitely not buy it.
I don’t want things to blow out of proportion one day when I explode out of guilt or desperation, whichever gets to me first. And i know very well how problems tend to snowball if one chooses to ignore them instead of facing them.
Then again, even though I have decided to do so… I am still scared. This requires a lot more courage from my part and I am really scared here. That walk to my manager’s office to tender my resignation letter seems to pale in comparison to this. :(
Totally agree with Celestine!
Tell the truth. Hiding it will create distrust in the relationship. It won’t last for long.
If he accept the truth, you relationship will get stronger.
I’ve never cheated on anyone; however, this advice seems confusing. Unless the goal is to harm the person, make oneself somehow important to him/her again, and create or further animosity between people, I would hesitate to broach this subject.
My litmus test is that unless there is harm that could come to someone by remaining silent (read: diseases, paternity) new lies may be created by sharing old truths. The bottom line? Don’t cheat.
Who’s to decide if an action is going to cause harm or is going to benefit someone? To do so will be to decide for the person on what’s better or worse for him/her, which is not in our place to do so. Something we think may harm someone may well be something he/she thinks is beneficial. The only thing we can do is to live true to our values (whichever they are), and let others make their own choices based on what they are dealt with in their lives.
Wow, Celes. I swear you beat all the aunt agonies out there. This is the best answer I’ve ever read to a question on romance.
Commenting for this post is closed.