(Image)
“How would you comfort someone who is very sick or even dying? How do you comfort someone when you both know his life will end very soon?” — Matt
Hi Matt, this is a difficult question. Comforting someone who is sick or dying is a very sensitive and emotional situation. While no one wants to be in such a position, as we grow older, we will inevitably face such circumstances as our loved ones grow older and fall ill.
This happened to me in recent years, when my mother-in-law had a rare illness and declined in health for 18 months, before passing away. She was bedridden throughout her illness, and it was a difficult and painful time for everyone involved including my husband, who loved her deeply. He became one of her primary caregivers and was with her every step of the way until her last breath.
If you have a loved one who is very ill and dying, I’m very sorry to hear that. Assuming that their impending death is unavoidable, and that they have sought all therapies to reverse their health condition (there have been many people who have healed themselves from supposedly incurable diseases with alternative therapies), you want to support them as best as you can, within the limits of their condition. Here are some ways to offer comfort to someone who is near the end of their life.
1) Be present
While people often ask what they should say or do for someone who is dying, just being around can offer immense comfort. An illness is often incredibly isolating, and the knowledge of imminent death can make someone feel a deep sense of helplessness and despair. By being around, you remind them that there are people who love them and that they are not alone.
Sit beside them and let them know that you are there. You can sit in silence or talk to them, even if they can’t talk back. Depending on your relationship with them, you can provide further reassurance through touch, such as holding their hand or giving them a massage.
2) Offer emotional support
Every day can feel very different as they deal with the realities of their illness, work through their memories and attachments, and come to terms with their end of life. Check in with them regularly by asking, “How are you feeling?” and “What are you thinking about?”
Offer a listening ear, whether they want to talk about their illness, past, regrets, dreams, or simply how they’re feeling.
Bringing photo albums and looking through old photos can also be a powerful way to provide support. This lets them reminisce about past moments and reconnect with times of joy and laughter in their life. It helps shift the focus from illness or death to happier times and memories, and lets them see their life as one full journey.
During this difficult time, the person may experience deep emotions such as grief, sadness, or fear. Acknowledge these feelings as they surface, and listen with compassion and without judgment. While you cannot change the circumstance, just being there, listening, and acknowledging what they say is an important way of offering support.
3) Create a comforting environment
Do what you can to make the environment comfortable by adjusting the surroundings, music, and lighting.
- Putting photos of the person with their loved ones, items which remind them of happy times, and plants can create a calm, peaceful atmosphere.
- Adjust pillows and offer blankets where necessary.
- For other environmental elements, playing music, such as scriptures if they are religious, can be soothing for some. Using aromatherapy with essential oils like lavender or sandalwood can help to create a calm environment and ease patients in end-of-life care.[1]
4) Offer practical help
Check if there are matters on their mind that you can help in. When someone is ill, simple things that they used to be able to do freely become difficult or impossible, and it means a lot to have someone around to handle these tasks. This can be buying meals, handling administrative matters, or organizing things for the future.
5) Help them make the best out of their time left
Depending on their condition, there may be things they can do to make the best out of their time left on Earth. For example:
- Are there things they’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t done yet?
- Do they have a bucket list — what do they want to do before they die? For example, tell their loved ones how much they love them? Reconnect with their long-lost brother or sister? Revisit their childhood playground? Spend a day at their favorite park?
- Any wrongs that they want to right before they go? Such as to tell someone the truth about something? Repair a broken relationship with a family member?
Of these things, is there anything you can help them in? Try to help them fulfill any remaining wishes and any unfinished business within your means.
6) Plan for their end of life
If you are close to the person, you can support them in planning for their end of life, as part of creating peace and closure for themselves. For example:
- Will. Have they written their will? Division of assets following a person’s death can be a sticky situation. By writing their will, they can ensure that their estate is taken care of in the way they want.
- Funeral. What kind of funeral do they want? Who do they want at their service? Do they have any specific requests? Do they have a message to share at the funeral?
- Assets. What are all their physical belongings and digital assets (email account, social media accounts, digital files), and what do they want to do with them? Create a list and entrust someone to handle them after their passing.
- Memory Box. Do they want to create a memory box for their loved ones? They can fill it with photos, items with special meaning, lessons they have learned in life, and messages that their loved ones can refer to down the road.
To share a story regarding point #5, two years after I started PE, I came across a personal blog that linked to my bucket list article. This blog showed up in my web tracker because someone had clicked from the blog to my bucket list article.
So I visited the blog out of curiosity, and started reading. I found out that the blogger’s husband/boyfriend had been stricken with a terminal disease (she did not mention what it was). At the time of the latest entry, he had about nine months left to live. Devastated by the news, they started to “count down” to his final moment together, while treasuring the time left.
She came across the bucket list article on PE. Reading it made her realize that there can be hope and meaning even in one’s final moments on Earth. That while her husband/boyfriend would be gone in nine months, it wasn’t right there and then.
So rather than wait for death, she got him to write down his bucket list items, which included traveling to certain destinations and completing tasks of meaning to him. And they set off to “conquer” that list. She created the blog to chronicle their adventures doing his bucket list in his remaining time left on Earth.
Unfortunately I lost the URL to the blog and I don’t know what happened to them since then. But it was clear from the blog that they were able to find hope and meaning in an impossibly difficult situation, and to make the best out of what they were given.
This brings to mind Randy Pausch, a lecturer from Carnegie Mellon who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2006. He made the best out of his remaining time by continuing to teach through lectures, including The Last Lecture. (I share a graduation speech by him in this post.)
He had a famous quote, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” While we may not always be able to change or control the circumstances that life throws at us, we can control how we respond to these circumstances and make the most out of them. Pausch passed away in 2008.
Seeing a loved one fall ill and slowly deteriorate from their prime is an incredibly difficult and painful process. Do the best you can in the time you have together, and learn to adjust to their energy and cues each day. As you support them, remember to take care of your own needs and get support as well — it’s essential to be able to continue providing unwavering support and care for your loved one in their final chapter in life. Sending much love to you during this very difficult time. 
Read:
Welcome to Personal Excellence. If you like my free articles, join my newsletter and get my latest updates and articles sent right to your inbox.
Dear Matt,
I can share some of my insights here for your reference.
Comfort is subjective to that someone’s own perception in the situation he/she is in before moving on next journey, what he wants to do and the belief of what he/she is able to do on the planet Earth for the last few moments. Gratitude collection and bucket list is something that i support at the moment.
I have similar experience in similar situation, as it happened to 2 of my dear relatives and (one of them is my own father 20 years ago when our family knew he was dying from heart attack). I remembered me and my father back then used to talk about our life story, addressing simple things in life and go sightseeing during the last few weeks, and of course my father despite the conditions, instill me and my family to do voluntary work to educate others in our best effort so that we do not waste our life unnecessarily. There is also another case where one of my friend who is well known IT expert just passed away peacefully in sleep about 2 weeks ago, and some of our friends are shocked as we are planning to catch up during Chinese New Year holiday and left his wife and 10 kids. (so life is short and unpredictable).
Another point is the importance of support from closed ones, and family members aftermath in form of love, friendship or necessary support you can help with. One of my life lesson karma in preparation for journey in afterlife. Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu.
Its very touching post . . I like your all post . . I think you are one of the best personal development blogger, God bless you!!!!!!
A friend of mine died of cancer at Christmas, he was in his 30s. Despite being in extreme agony (the doctors were planning to operate to inject concrete in his spine to lessen the pain), in his last few months he managed to fulfil a boyhood dream of riding in a tank (arranged by some friends of his), go to a rock concert, and spend a lot of time with many friends via our shared favourite hobby.
I definitely second Celes’s idea of moving through the bucket list, and if you’re a close friend, trying to help organise some of these ideas so that they really happen.
I agree with what’s said in the article, and I would add: if a friend is ill or dying, to continue to just be there for them. Unfortunately, too many of us are uncomfortable about the thought of mortality and either abandon their friends, or treat them differently. When a person’s world is falling apart around them, they really need to know that their friends still love them.
Tell him/her that it’s going to be alright; that his/her journey here on earth will soon end, and that he’s/she’s going to be starting another journey on another dimension… many are afraid to die because they think that this is the only life they’ve got.
Thank you.. my grandmother is bedridden and I didn’t know how to console her. But now I have an idea how to change her mind..!
Celes,
I think this article was very well put. I have been in this situation before. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own confusion of what to say and what not to say that we miss the opportunity to truly be there for our friend or family member. One of the things that are really regrettable when someone does pass on, is all the things that you wish you would have said or put aside and it is too late. When a person has the opportunity to take the moments left to do what he/she wants to do or say they can heal themselves peacefully. I think helping them realize how that might bring peace to their time left is an honor.
Hi Matt and Celes,
I found that when you talk with someone who is dying you can understand many things about how they lived and approached life. Sometimes it is a whirlwind of emotions. It is a time of understanding seeing what they have accomplished and reminding them of the good times you have had together(if you have had them) and asking them about their cherished memories.
It might also be useful for later reference to make a timeline and ask them their various reasons for doing what they did during their life. Ask about the family tree and connections with friends. Are there any messages for loved ones who aren’t present.
Some people want a certain type of funeral for example bikers would like all their friends to come on their bikes with the coffin being taken to the church by a motorcycle and a sidecar, others may have a family plot of land set aside and so on. Where would they like their ashes scattered. Each situation is unique and most people want to share or make amends for things they have or have not done. Hope this helps.
I have a friend in this position and this is what works in his case:
I don’t talk about the disease or sickness. I treat him exactly like it was any other day. Like tomorrow is forever. I have realized that it all came to sharing the things we like to do. I’ve let him tell tell me how he feels regarding his sickness when he wants to rather than me asking and making him look pitiful. He knows he’s sick, so I don’t need to remind him. Believe it or not we were playing with his morphine, oxy, and other meds kidding about which was stronger, but never touching the point of his terminal cancer. So don’t touch the disease, just the cool stuff you share with him.
Hi Celes
First thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I have enjoyed all the recent Ask Celes articles and I am glad you have kept it as an ongoing part of PE.
I submitted this question because I know sooner or later I will almost certainly help a loved one who faces this situation. I really had no idea how I might handle it when someone I know is dying. Normally when a person faces a troubling situation we can look at it as an opportunity or a second chance. If someone is getting over a bad break up we can remind them that this is their chance to find a relationship that is right for them. If someone is laid off we can help them find an even better job. But death is so final and it’s hard to think of a way to cheer up someone who might be distraught over their own illness.
Now that I have read your article I occurs to me that someone who is upset about an illness might actually be upset because they have unfinished business. They might have lost personal connection with important people, never reached an important goal, or never experienced a certain activity. Helping the person do at least some of these things could really help to turn their spirits around.
Also helping a person write their will or messages to family would help. Some people may be most troubled by the idea that after death they will not be around to help loved ones. A will or writing life lessons could help this person to feel there is something left over that will endure and continue to help others.
You shared a lot of great advice here. Rather than feeling sorry for a sick person and waiting for death I have a much better idea about how I can aid them during a time like that. Also this article could help me in the future if I myself face a serious illness. I could use the ideas here to help family feeling better about my own eventual passing.
The post initially make me to think, at last it inspired a motivation within myself. Thanks for the post..I like reading your blog.
Celes,
I love this post. I am in a similar situation right now that I need your input on…
I am home after a year and a half to visit my dying grampa. Last time I was here, we used to talk and laugh together and he would go out for short walks and demand to eat foods that he liked etc. This time when I came back I saw that he is lying in his bed, hooked up to four different tubes for breathing, eating etc. All he does is breathe and sometimes open his eyes and look at us.That’s all.
I don’t know what does he thinks about all day. I don’t know what to say to him cz nothing I say can make him feel any better. I try to talk about the things he taught me, the good times we had and how we love him so much and are happy to be with him. We try not to talk about death or pain when around him.
I know that next time I come back home, he probably won’t be there. How should I make the most of these last moments with him?
Sowm
Dear Sowm, what do you think you can do/say to make the best out of your final moments with him?
That I love him and I am lucky that I got to see him and spend some time with him. I am lucky to be able to meet him every day and tell him how blessed we are to still have him among us?
Can’t think of anything else to ‘do’. He can’t physically do anything. What am I missing here… Suggestions?
Dear Sowm, it’s possible that maybe all he wants is just to feel your presence, hear your voice, and see your smile. Maybe there isn’t anything specific you need to “do” or “say” to him per se, but simply to be there for him in his final phase of life.
You said that you try to “talk about the things he taught me, the good times we had and how we love him so much and are happy to be with him” — that’s great and it’s something you can continue doing. You can also just be by his side and keep him company, and maybe that’s enough too, for him to know that he is in the company of loved ones.
Whatever it is, this is a difficult time for you and everyone involved. Do what you can and remind your grandfather that he is loved and you love him. Please don’t forget to take care of yourself during this time. Sending much love to you in the meantime. <3
Hi Celes,
This is a difficult topic and you’ve handled it with such grace. Thank you for your positive and compassionate perspective!
~Christina
Great insights Celes. Thanks !
Commenting for this post is closed.