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“Hi Celes, how do I stay with a dishonest and cheating spouse?” — Arti
Hi Arti, if your spouse has cheated / is cheating on you, I don’t think the question is how to stay with him/her — it’s about what to do with the relationship.
Now I’m not married and I’ve not been married before, so perhaps I’m not the best person to comment in this area.
(Update 2014: This post was published in 2011 and I’ve since gotten married, and my views stay the same.)
But it figures that if someone is cheating, the person has already breached the trust in the relationship. The original confines of the relationship, whatever they were, no longer hold true. This includes staying on in the relationship for the other party.
The question comes to — Is he/she repentant for his/her actions? Is he/she going to change his/her ways?
If so, then it’s up to you on whether you are willing to remain with him/her, in spite of the infidelity. Since trust has been breached, it’s a delicate situation to be in. Your partner has to understand that (a) things are not going to be the same as before, at least not for now, and (b) he/she needs to take the necessary steps to rebuild your trust in him/her and the relationship, before anything else can happen.
If he/she is not repentant for his/her actions, and/or he/she is still committing the infidelity, then it’s clear where he/she stands. He/she obviously does not respect you as an individual, nor the relationship itself. It’s then a matter of what you can do to exit the relationship, vis-a-vis remaining in it, because otherwise you’re just doing yourself a disfavor. You don’t need such treatment from someone else. You deserve better.
How about kids, if you have them? Many people stay on in relationships, for the sake of their children — even though they are no longer in love with each other, or even though the other partner has committed infidelity.
I don’t think there’s a one set answer for such a situation, because it’s honestly up to both individuals and what they deem as the best arrangement.
For me personally, I don’t think one should remain in a relationship where there is no love (or even trust), in the name of giving their kids a proper upbringing. Because I think it’s more detrimental than positive for both parents and children in the long run.
Where two people remain in a relationship despite not loving each other anymore, it stifles both parties and makes them miserable. As much as either of them try to suppress their unhappiness, such negative energy will ripple out towards everything they do — be it their careers, their health, their friendships, their family — as well as their relationships with their children.
When the children grow up in such a stifling household, it’ll inadvertently affect them too. For these children, not only are they surrounded by negativity, but they don’t have the best role models to refer to. Someone who lives by oppressing his/her desires isn’t connected with his/her source, and as such isn’t living the best life he/she can live.
I know people who grew up in families where their parents remained in the relationship despite not wanting to be together anymore, and it resulted in a lot of unhappiness and conflicts growing up. Many of these incidences became embedded as subconscious issues, which affect them even today, be it in terms of issues of trust with others or skepticism of relationships as a whole.
Whether or not kids or other people are involved, it’s about working out an optimal solution that benefits everyone — both the parents and the children — at the end of the day.
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As I was reading this post I’d have to add the following real-life story as reference from the point of view of the children. I once knew a man who’s parents remained married during his and his siblings childhood. The parents did not love each other, the father abused of the mother and cheated countless of times. The mother did not divorce and neither did the father because the father/mother was the parent of their children. The parents pretended to love each other faintly around their children their entire lives.
Meanwhile the children had no idea their parents had 0% love toward each other. In their eyes their parents were just normal parents who casually fought. As soon as the children grew up and moved out the parents divorced…the kids, now adults, were in complete shock and disbelief.
For the parents this was to be expected but for their kids it was something that came out of the blue. The man described how the fact affected the life of he and his siblings for the rest of their life to come. He said he couldn’t describe the pain he felt but the closest would be “I feel like I’ve lived an entire lie. I will never forgive my parents.”
I thought it might help sharing this experience.
Allow me to to express my opinion here about the case mentioned here. I think what the parents did here to live out as a married couple for the sake of the children was a noble one. It was a case of trying to teach others about the commitment and responsibility to children under your charge. It is very easy to simply leave the relationship. But it is much more difficult to sacrifice and to live through years of a marriage with no love.
Granted, the parents could have in some ways conveyed this message to their children in a sensitive manner, but the fact remains; they honoured their responsibility as parents. It is quite sad to hear the children ‘not forgiving’ their parents for painstakingly sacrificing for their sake.
I very much appreciate your blog and all the information and ideas you have shared, you are truly an intuitive, and generally insightful woman and life coach.
With that being said, … in matters that cover such a wide expanse of experience and in-depth issues, and where you have acknowledged your own inexperience and inexposure to the subject, please forward your readers to places where they may find more informed answers. By continuing the post after announcing your limited knowledge, and while insightful going down this singular path, it seemed to cut this involved field into a simple black and white matter, which it is far from.
We used to have advise columnists Ann Landers and her sister Abigail Van Buren, in our daily papers, which were read by millions. They ~mostly~ knew where their areas of expertise started to dwindle, and so developed comprehensive lists of professionals in various fields to whom they would field their inquisitors queries. Even the best of us need input from others. ;-)
Wishing you continued success and a future even better than you have imagined.
Hi Cj, I’ve transparently stated my background in this topic, while being open about my viewpoints on the area at the same time. At the end of the day, it’s a decision that’s up to the individuals, and there’s no one set or right answer in such situations (or with any situation in life for that matter) as I mentioned in the post. The objective of the column is to share my answers to questions which readers would like perspective on – it may or may not be useful, but that’s where the conscious evaluation comes in. It’s up to the readers to discern what they read on the blog, take what’s relevant to them, and apply accordingly. I encourage everyone to do the same for everything they read on Personal Excellence or anywhere in life (be it dispensed from a supposed guru in the area or not). It’s all about integrating as much knowledge as we know, evaluating them consciously then living in line with what we feel most resonates with us.
I think your response was right on, Celes. I’ve been married, and while I’ve never been cheated on, I also can’t conceive of continuing a relationship in which trust has been destroyed. There are a lot of things to consider in deciding to end or continue a marriage in which breach of contract has occurred,and I think you covered most of the significant ones.
There’s probably just a bit of hope if the cheating party is contrite and is willing to do the work- including counseling- to repair their marriage. Otherwise, you’re just putting up with disrespectful behavior, which is something a person with good self esteem shouldn’t tolerate from anyone, especially their spouse.
I currently know a couple where there’s infidelity, but they’ve decided to stay together for the sake of the kids. Their six-year-old has suddenly started acting out violently in school. They seem puzzled by this, but to me it’s pretty clear that the child knows that something isn’t right at home, no matter how hard the parents pretend.
In the end, it’s an individual decision that has to be made, and probably the most pertinent advice will come from someone who knows all of the individuals and the specifics of the situation.
Hi Celes
Its intermittent that i stay on with my spouse, for there are children involved and separation isn’t in the list of options, i know that i’m pushing you to the wall by asking about something on which you may not have a first hand experience on but i also want you to know that once again you’ve done an excellent job in making it simple.
thanks a lot and if possible please enlighten me on how to detach myself while still being there, i know the best way forward is by indulging in myself and loving myself, just asking for a few ideas on how i can amass a different outlook when i see myself in the mirror
:heart:
Hey Arti! Thanks so much for openly sharing your situation with us. I’m sure it’s a situation that others are facing too, and by voicing out the question on your mind, you’re helping others to have a think about their situations too.
Given that separation isn’t an option, I’d say the most important thing is to know that whatever infidelity that is happening/has happened before is not your fault. I think most of the times we tend to blame ourselves when such situations happen or think there’s something wrong with us, but there really isn’t. It speaks more of the other partner than of you – there is a mutual agreement in every relationship, and the reality is that the other party has violated that agreement, not you. Never ever, ever, blame yourself for this – you don’t deserve that. You are entirely fine, beautiful, amazing, and perfect the way you are, and you should never think otherwise.
The second thing is to focus on your passions and agenda in life. Sure you may be staying on in the relationship that doesn’t nurture you the best way at this moment, but that doesn’t mean you need to put your life on hold. Think about (a) what are the things you love to do (b) things that you’ve always wanted to do but never got down to doing them, and start working on them. Pursuing that which inspires you will make you discover more about yourself, love life more, and blossom as an individual.
I hope this helps Arti, and thanks so much for being who you are. :hug:
Celes, marrying is a natural step when you meet the right person. It binds you together in a spiritual and physical way that being unmarried but committed does not. Marriage is a daring, public affirmation of commitment and although you may say that can be done without marriage, it is harder to walk away from a marriage than a non-married relationship. Of course, hard is a relative term!
There’s no way people should get married for the sake of marriage but the virtues that go with it actually strengthen the relationship. My wife and I did not have sex before marriage and 4 years in we are very much enjoying ourselves – still…. the waiting helped build the anticipation.
I also believe that fobbing marriage off is, for some people, an act of cowardice. They want to keep their options open – hence the growing number of babies without fathers. People want the benefits of marriage without the commitment.
In this day and age of cynicism standing up and confessing lifelong love is a bold act.
Celes,
Your attitude regarding marriage is right on target. You have set yourself up for a wonderful life. Having kids is a little tricky with your outlook, but someone with your abiliity to reason will figure out your best path. All the best.
Hi Mike, thank you. Having kids isn’t on my mind at the moment, but I suppose it’s because I’m not with the right person yet. It’ll probably arise when that happens. I do see having kids as a natural progression in our growth path; at the same time I also respect others’ decisions not to have kids. At the end of the day it boils down to personal choice.
Perhaps I am trying to add a little controversial to the way people tend to steroetype a relationship and in this case a marriage and in that if a spouse cheated in a marriage, it tends toward severance of the relationship or even holding on to the marriage because of the kids.
Why is it then that no resolution or second chance be given to the cheating spouse to reconcile the relationship for things to work out? Is it really true that the cheating spouse is always at fault?
Surely, it takes 2 hands to clap.
Even a criminal deserve a second chance in life BUT why is it that Society behaves in a manner that cheating spouse deserves no second chance in life? Is it really impossible?
Hi Fool, IMO it boils down to whether the person is repentant for his/her actions and have a desire to correct it (as mentioned in the post). If he/she is, then of course things can be worked out (subjected to what the other party feels about it). Otherwise, anything the other party does only becomes a one-sided action. At the end it takes 2 hands to clap like you said, and it’s up to individuals in the relationship and where they want to go with it.
While I’m never been cheated on, but almost went through the divorce process. Fortunately, I love my wife and willing to let go whatever that is blocking our relationship.
Celest touch on a very good point. Is LOVE still there? If it is, anything can be resolved.
Also I feel this is a topic that couldn’t really have a conclusion in just writing. Because there is such a wide spectrum of things to consider. Logically there are certain steps to take, but with emotions, responsibility and commitment involve, it can be complicated.
Professional help or counseling will best be suited in this situation.
So good reading your blog and the replies I just wanted to add my 2c worth as someone who has been on the receiving end of being cheated on. It hurts more than you can explain. The shock, the betrayal, the whole thing sends you into a space of shock, denial & disbelief. Yes you go through all those stages of anger, etc but the ultimate thing to realise is the relationship/marriage was not working and someone or both parties were not happy and not dealing with it.
Luckily my partner and I decided to go to counselling, were lucky enough to attend an affairs workshop and spent a lot of time looking at ourselves and the relationship. The most painful experience Iv’e ever had because once the affair had been exposed IT DID NOT STOP! This is normal, its like a record playing, the momentum has to die down. It did and took 3 months but more heartache.
Now 2 years later the relationship is better than before, so much has changed, we have changed and work at the relationship instead of expecting it to just mosey along. For anyone going through this I say you can get through it, you just have to want to and get help (try Imago Therapy).
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