To Get What You Want, First Admit You Want It
A large part of life is about goal achievement — setting goals, pursuing what we want, achieving our goals, relishing in our achievements, and continuing in our journey of growth with greater pursuits. I have written a lot about goal achievement on this blog, including my goal achievement framework, quitting to win, using your environment to achieve your goals, improving your skills, and other articles in the Goals & Success category.
First Step to Get What You Want – Admit You Want It
Today’s article covers the very first step of getting what you want — admitting you want it. While this may seem obvious, many people do not get what they want because they do not acknowledge their desires. These people are also the deniers.
For example, in the area of career, there are so many people who have dreams they want to pursue — be it setting up their restaurant, being a baker, being a manga artist, or creating music. However, deniers stifle themselves by staying in a career they dislike. They give reasons like the job is “not bad,” that it fulfills their needs, and that they’re quite content with life, when deep down they wish for something more.
In the area of relationships, there are singles who wish to be in a relationship, but deny it. Some are too proud to acknowledge that they do want to be with someone. Some are afraid that it will make them look desperate (it doesn’t). For those who are attached, there are some who have lost their feelings for their partner but remain in the relationship. Fearful that they may not find someone, they refuse to acknowledge that the relationship has fizzled out, and the love is dead.
When you do not acknowledge what you want, you cannot get what you want. This denial applies to all life areas — be it one’s relationship with their family, social relationships, weight, health, wealth, or other goals. They have their desires, they have their wants, but rather than be honest with themselves about these goals, they coax themselves into thinking that they’re okay with not having them.
This is of course not okay. When you do not admit that you want your goal, there’s no way to get it. Imagine you’re at Point A. Point B is where you want to be. If you keep thinking that Point A is your desired point, how can you move to Point B? What happens is that you will live under the illusion that you are where you want to be. As long as you’re under this illusion, you will not get to your ideal scenario at Point B.
How to Tell If You’re Denying Your Desires
So how do you tell if you are denying your higher desires? If you often feel dissatisfied or unhappy about a life area, after which you tell yourself “It’s okay” or “I’m happy with it the way it is,” that’s a strong sign that you’re denying yourself. When you do this long enough, you will start to experience mood swings, prolonged periods of unhappiness, or even depression.
How often do these feelings come about? Maybe once a day, a week, or a month, depending on how often you are exposed to situations that jolt you out of your illusion. For chronic deniers who are very skillful at repressing their feelings, such feelings may only appear once every few months, every few years, to almost never.
But during the times these feelings do emerge, it’s undeniable. Self-deniers may feel lousy for the day, then cover it up by immersing themselves in work, watching TV, playing games, partying, eating, or just sleeping it away. For some, the feeling can be so deep that it sinks them into a depressive state.
Does the problem disappear though? No, it doesn’t. This void is always there. And it will not stop until you act on the problem — that you are denying yourself of your true desires.
Understanding What Acceptance Really Means
Many people use “acceptance” as an excuse to explain away their fear. That’s a falsehood though.
What acceptance really means is to accept that the reality before you is the reality. That’s all. Acceptance doesn’t mean accepting something you don’t want as what you want. That’s not accepting — that’s denying. When you pretend to be okay with a reality that’s not your ideal, you’re just creating an illusion. An illusion that prevents you from moving toward your ideal life.
- If you’re a disgruntled employee who wants to pursue your passion, admit it.
- If you’re a single who desires to be in a relationship with your special someone, embrace that desire.
- If you have some extra weight and you want to be in good shape, acknowledge it.
- If you wish to improve your relationship with your family, align yourself with your desires.
- If you wish to have a partner who respects and loves you, come to terms with this feeling.
While you may want to lie about your desires to protect yourself, realize that these lies are due to fear. Fear of not getting what you want. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of being torn apart. Fear that you’re incapable. Fear of being hurt.
It’s perfectly okay to be fearful. Whatever the fear is, feel it, then face it anyway.
Because only by doing so can you hope to achieve your ideal life. As they say, the truth will set you free. And it will. If you pretend that you’re okay with the status quo, you will never achieve your ideal goals. If anything, that’s the one sure way NOT to live your dream life.
Take for example, my clients. For some of them, there was a point in their lives when they pretended that they were okay with things. However, deep down they knew that they deserved more. It was only when they acknowledged this that they took action on their goals. Rather than sugar coat the truth and pretend they are okay with everything, they took the first step to admit that they desire something else. And by doing that, they could then take action to realize their dreams.
In one of my favorite client cases, my client and I started our sessions in June. After we started coaching, he happened to get retrenched. Within two months though, he secured a job which matches his ideal career. Not only that, but he’s now pursuing his passion in baking via an online cake business — something he would never have thought of doing before our sessions!
In another case, my client was teaching in a school, where the environment was not congruent with his values and style. After three months, he is now teaching in a new school where he’s much happier. It has helped him reconnect with his passion in teaching and learning. None of them could have gotten what they wanted if they had pretended to be okay with their reality.
What Do You Really Want? Acknowledge It
If you think about your life now, is there any area where you’re not being fully honest with yourself? Some questions to ask:
- What is your ideal life?
- What are your biggest goals and dreams?
- What is your ideal career?
- What is your ideal level of wealth?
- What is your ideal home?
- What is your ideal weight and fitness level?
- What is your ideal family?
- What is your ideal relationship?
- How about other areas of your life? What are your ideal visions for them?
For all these areas, are you living your ideal vision?
If not, start first by admitting your true desires. Don’t lie to yourself and pretend that you’re okay with everything. You’ll never get your goals that way. Only by being fully honest with yourself, can you then work on bringing your goals to life. While the road may not be easy, admitting your true desires will set you on your path to your real dreams. 🙂