This is part 1 of a 3-part series on how to deal with rude people — including co-workers, clients, managers, and customers.
- Part 1: How To Deal With Rude People: Tips #1-4
- Part 2: How To Deal With Rude People: Tips #5-10
- Part 3: How To Deal With Rude People: Tips #11-16
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Dealing with rude people can be a tricky thing. I personally hate dealing with rude people, and as much as I can, avoid them.
However, there are times when you don’t have the luxury of choice. Say if the person is a co-worker, a manager, a business associate, a customer, or even a service staff you need to talk to get what you want. If it’s at a workplace and you are in an entry-level position, being combative can make you lose your job or ruin advancement opportunities.
A Rude Client
This brings to mind a rude client whom I worked with a while back (let’s call her T). T was one of the rudest people I had met. When I first met her, I was shocked by her attitude. She treated me with very little respect, like I was lesser than her as a human. She would raise her voice and lose her temper, was unsupportive with requests, talked to me dismissively, used her authority to push me around, and wouldn’t acknowledge my presence when we met in person, not even after I smiled and greeted her.
The worst thing was that her rude behavior seemed targeted at me. I had no idea why as her rudeness started from the first day we met. On the other hand, she was extremely sweet and friendly to my male staff, something that he observed as well. My guess was that her rudeness was a form of catty behavior from one woman to another, and I believe I’m not far off in my guess.
Even though I could have dropped this business opportunity, I didn’t. At that time I was just starting PE and I valued every opportunity I could get. This was no different. Even though she acted like an *sshole, I refused to balk. After all, she was more like a representative of the company than my client — I wasn’t working for her as much as I was serving the company and the participants of the workshop I was conducting. I wasn’t going to let go of a business deal and an opportunity to help others over someone like that. Not at all.
In the end, I delivered the workshop successfully, received great feedback, and used this to build my portfolio and seal new deals.
How many of you have faced such a situation before? Perhaps not with a client, but a rude, disrespectful person/ co-worker/ manager/ customer, or even a stranger?
If yes, I hear you. Many of my clients have shared with me unpleasant encounters with terrible, rude people, so you’re not alone.
Learn to Deal with Rude People
Honestly, I wish there isn’t any rude people in the world. If everyone is kind and helpful to each other, the world would be a much better place. One of my goals at PE is to raise the consciousness of the world. To bring people up from the lower levels of hate, anger, and apathy to the higher levels of love, courage, and joy. When that happens, I believe there’ll be less angry people and more caring souls.
However, there is still a long way for us to go. Until everyone is vibrating at the state of joy, we need to learn to deal with rude people as a fact of life. I know people who quit their jobs each time they face a rude manager / colleagues, and guess what? It doesn’t solve the problem. They subsequently run into the same situation in their next workplace, after which they do the same thing — quit.
In the end these people become serial job hoppers. Nothing changes as they still have to face rude people, and they back themselves into a career dead end, having burned bridges from their past jobs and a shaky job record. It’s clearly not a solution.
So how do we deal with rude people? Here is my guide to do so:
1) Keep calm
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The tricky thing about dealing with rude people is that you may feel like boxing their faces sometimes, especially if the person is being very obnoxious and demeaning.
But I’ve found that while it may be momentarily satisfying to lash out in a moment’s anger, it’s often not worth it. Firstly, when you lose your cool, you lose control of the situation. You may feel like you’re in power, but you are no longer operating at a high level of consciousness, which means that you are no longer thinking rationally.
Next, when you lash out at someone, you may say or do something that you will regret later — something I know I’ve been guilty of. People who are emotional tend to say the wrong things as they are on an adrenaline rush; even if they regret what they did later, it’s too late as what’s said or done can be hard to retract. And sometimes there are things that, when said and done, can be very difficult to fix.
So no matter how angry you are, get a hold of yourself first. Consider these:
- So what if you lose your temper at this person — what do you accomplish? Note that in a workplace, losing your temper — assuming that you’re not the head honcho — makes you appear unprofessional and cause you to lose respect among your co-workers.
- How will making the other person miserable positively change your life in any way? Chances are, probably not. So why do it?
- Will anger help this situation? Do you need this person to achieve a particular outcome? For example in customer service, you may feel like screaming at the rude staff. But perhaps this person is the gatekeeper to something you need. So if you lose your temper, you may not get what you want or take a longer time to get what you want.
Take a deep breath and imagine anger being released as steam from the top of your head. Sounds funny, but it works. :) If it’s an email, hold off on replying first and let it sit in your head for a while. If it’s a phone conversation or an in-person encounter, set aside your anger and reply as rationally as you can. You can vent later when you are with friends and family, but don’t go berserk in front of this person.
Note that there is a difference between consciously losing anger to achieve a strategic aim (which is a strategy used in business negotiations and staff management) and losing anger because you’ve lost control of the situation. The latter is what we want to avoid.
2) Don’t take it personally
When we face rude people, it’s easy to blame ourselves. We may think that there’s something wrong with us, that perhaps there is some unappealing quality about us that triggered such reactions in others. I know that I often think this way. When someone is being mean to me, I’ll automatically assume that there’s something wrong with me.
Yet when I take a step back and stop the self-beating cycle, I realize that it’s not about me. Perhaps that person had a bad day. Perhaps the person has an attitude problem. Perhaps the person has anger issues. Even if the person is specifically being rude to you, like T was to me, that person probably has some personal hangups that got fired off when he/she met you. For example, perhaps T is catty towards women because she sees them as competition, and I was merely one of many women she had mistreated.
Either way, it’s that person’s personal construct, beliefs, values, conditioning, and past experiences that made him/her act this way towards you. Assuming that you did nothing to trigger this negativity, like you were not deliberately trying to step on his/her toes, his/her rudeness is really more about his/her story and personal issues than you. So don’t fault or blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you so please don’t beat yourself down. ♥
3) Confront if necessary. Otherwise, stay away.
Confrontation is a very tricky thing and I try to avoid it where possible. There are 3 criteria I use to decide if a confrontation is necessary:
- The person has totally crossed the line in rude behavior (e.g. name calling, abuse, violation of personal boundaries)
- The person is of the same or lower authority compared to you (e.g. a subordinate or a work peer)
- Calling the person out will achieve more gains than losses, and you are prepared to deal with the losses
Why so? It’s not because I condone rudeness — I don’t. It’s more that there are pros and cons to every action, and while it’s tempting to call out someone on their rudeness and put them in their place, I’ve found that it doesn’t achieve anything sometimes. In fact, sometimes it creates more harm than if you just let it pass.
For example with my experience with T, I didn’t call her out on her ridiculous behavior because it wasn’t worth it to me.
First of all, she was a senior ranking staff in her late 30s, while I was just in my mid-20s then. Given her age and rank, she really should have known better. The fact that she acted that way meant that she intentionally wanted to be rude, and hence wouldn’t have cared what I had to say.
Secondly, we were in a client-provider relationship. As the person in charge, she could have dismissed me if I gave her the slightest reason to — and as I mentioned above, the project was important to me. I wasn’t there to serve her but the company and the participants of the workshop I was conducting. Even if she couldn’t, she probably would have made things even more difficult for me, and I didn’t want to get more trouble.
If you’re in a situation with little bargaining power, confronting is not be your best option. Say if you are a working level employee in a large corporation. Or if you are a front-line staff working in a hotel, restaurant, shop, or call center. Or if you’re an account executive managing client accounts.
This doesn’t mean that you should stomach insults or inhumane behavior. If someone gets personal and crosses the line in terms of basic human respect, escalate it to your managers. Document the incident(s) and let them handle it. If you are a customer, file a formal complaint if the staff was extremely rude to you.
4) Don’t expect the rude behavior to change
Some people are just rude. Maybe they don’t realize how rude and unpleasant their behavior is — it’s their blind spot. Maybe they are aware but they just like to boss others around. Maybe they just enjoy being *ssholes.
Realize that you can’t change others. If you keep hoping that the rude person in question will have a sudden change of heart, you will be disappointed half the time. You can change your actions which may change his/her behavior, but don’t change yourself expecting him/her to change.
For example, in the first few times I interfaced with T, I thought that if I was nicer or acted in a different way, she would stop being so rude. However, no matter how I treated her, she would run me over like a lawn mower. I would feel really pissed and demoralized after each conversation.
When I reflected on the situation, I realized it was because I had altered my behavior when interacting with her by being especially respectful and nice to her, thinking that she would reciprocate with the same kindness and attitude. I was also attached to this expectation. Hence when she continued to treat me poorly, I would feel that it was my fault.
Needless to say, this thinking was unhealthy.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try different ways to improve your relationship with the rude person. I’m saying that you should not do so expecting to receive a different treatment from him/her. By not having expectations, it makes it easier for you to manage the situation. Imagine that this rude person is never going to change his/her behavior, ever. How are you going to handle him/her? What are you going to do about his/her rudeness?
Continue on to Part 2: How To Deal With Rude People: Tips #5-10
This is part 1 of a 3-part series on how to deal with rude people — including co-workers, clients, managers, and customers.
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Celes, whenever someone raises their voice at me, I make a conscious decision to lower mine. Matching them will only cause the situation to escalate further.
I also use a lot of questions to the person who is being rude. There are two reasons I do this, 1) Whoever is asking questions is in control of the conversation, and 2) I hope that they will see that what they are doing is not necessary.
Thanks for the post, and I look forward to your book.
Joshua, I love your questioning method. I use that as well as it steers the conversation where you want it to. Furthermore, it helps to introduce some breathing space into the conversation too.
Hello Celes!
I happen to work in a very “customer-facing” role. In my case, however, I work at an association so my customers are actually members. The other unique thing about my position is that I work direct.y with volunteer members. My association has about 1500 volunteers and it is my job to manage & support all 1500 of them. ;)
As you can imagine.. I have some challenging days. Having been in this role for about three years now, I’ve seen it all. Your advice is really great. In my experience, the two most critical elements to dealing with rude people are:
1. Take nothing personally
and
2. Just let it go and answer with a kind, smile.
While this approach may seem passive, it yields the best results. My theory is always to let the other person keep the bad karma. I don’t need it. :)
Dena, thanks so much for sharing your experience. :D 1,500 people is a huge group! Would you care to share with everyone your personal tips on letting go of the bad experiences? Many people face difficulty letting go of the negative experiences (even though they consciously know it’s not healthy)
Dena:
I was lucky to have found your comment here. I am the park manager of an over 55 association with approximately 550 people, 293 homes. I am receiving a lot of hateful, angry comments from a couple of board members who are displaying their attitude in public and at board meetings. The three board memebrs used to be my biggest supporters until I was promoted as manager, which the three voted for, Four months into my new position, I fired a maintenance man, which one of the three was very protective and had written a 2 page probationary letter over in 2007. This guy had serious working and personal issues but these guys are seriously angry and hateful toward me and that seems to have triggered it. There was a board meeting held and things got so bad at the meeting that I ended up walking out. Residents/members were there and were a[paled at their behavior. We just had another board meeting and I was resolved to not let them get to me so I smothered them with kindness.
This is my first encounter with this degree of hate and anger and I am getting worn out. I know these three want me out because they want to go back to a self managed park. My contract is up December 3first and they are walking around telling people that I will not be there in Janaury, then they are going to fire Rick (my new maintenance worker that I hired) and hire the old maintenance worker back. They have lost respect from their friends over their outbursts.
I was wondering if you have ever run into this type of situation at your association. Working in an associations, as I’m sure you know, is like working in a virtual emotional melting pot, if you haven’t experienced it, it is very hard to imagine how draining and weary it can make you.
I would appreciate any feedback that you can give me.
Beth
I spend most of my time in a very large electric wheelchair. People with disabilities tend to make people without disabilities nervous. I have run into countless people who would be considered rude within the disabilities community but, more often than not, they are just ignorant or confused. They either don’t know what to say or don’t know that what they’re saying is insulting by modern standards. Many times I have been called “crippled” by older relatives. No harm is meant.
Our social values and especially, our language, has changed rapidly in the last 50 years. Many folks have been left behind. I I know there are those within the disabilities community who react strongly to any implied slight. I gave that up years ago.
As you say in your blog, someone’s rudeness tells you more about them than it does about yourself. It is terribly important to remember that rudeness is subjective. Reacting with hostility and anger every time we experience a perceived insult will only make people more nervous not more comfortable.
There are those of us with disabilities who would say that it is not our job to make other people comfortable with us. I agree with that up to a point. It is also not our job to educate an entire culture on appropriate behavior and language overnight. At some point, common courtesy must kick in. We must allow people to be people. Our lessons to those outside the disabilities community will sometimes be loud and aggressive but, as a rule, should be gently delivered in appropriate circumstance..
excellent article Celes, it helps me to solve my question. Thank you. : )
Thanks for the wonderful post Celes. Personally, I do not talk much with people who are very rude in their speech and deeds. I always maintain a greater silence when people are rude to me or when I encounter with someone at my office who are not capable to explaining thinks in a positive way.
Sometimes silence is the most appropriate answer. When we also tries to mach our mood with rude people, we will also fall into his/her situation. It is our duty to let the person cool down and then to start sharing our opinions. I think this would be a better way…
Anyway, thanks for your wonderful Articles and it helps us alot personally and professionally.
Celes, you are too young to be so wise and I am too old not to follow these rules. I work at a large technology corporation and have been here for 11 years – I am far more removed than I used to be (I was very focused and engaged in my early days) and boy have I met with rude back-stabbing untrust-worthy people along the path – I have not handled it well and I have some regrets. I think your advice is pure and logical and it takes the high road but I do think it is well worth the elimination of these people in our life. I have walked out of teams and organizations with rude managers and I would probably not be the saint that you are with your client – but because I feel so convinced, I am going to try your advice, thank you for being such a bright light, dear Celes!
Hey Farnoosh, you’re right! I found it’s a lot to do with how we evaluate the situation. Does the benefits of staying on in the relationship outweigh the cons? Or does the cons outweigh the benefits? If the person is way out of line, then there’s really no point in continuing on – it’s better to just eliminate the person and move on.
Hi Celes,
It is so good to see you saying “Don’t expect the rude behavior to change”. Bravo! Thanks. If we get angry or frustrated in return we are just harming ourselves we are not changing the other person.
I have a little motto, “Don’t let their bad hair day become my bad hair day!”
I also am not willing to hand my happiness over to rude people, I leave their anger and rudeness with them, it’s theirs not mine. It helps me to do this by thinking about the bad things that must have happened to them to make them this way, and how bad they must be feeling inside about themselves, :-D
Blessings
Rachel Green
Confident Woman Australia
Thanks alot Celes. I’m working my way up to a career studying at lunch and breaks. Having the most powerful energy to do alot of work at the office I’m at, because I have direction and a goal. But recently I found myself, like I was back in highschool or something having a coworker really have it out for me, maybe jealousy dunno, he seems to have his own issues.
I’m trying to stay away from him, and even have to work a little more than what i’m supposed too, just to get thru my day. But for some reason, what sucks, he would literally leave obstacles in my way in the morning to try to get at me, with I happy laugh off to how this grown man is acting. The manager has no action to him apparently babies him. So of course I wont be staying long, They are actually making me study harder to make my dream to a reality.
This post really came in the right time.. thought I’d post my situation, because it sound so unreal, I could not confront him personally, this person seems to have this really bad negative energy that makes you literally shake in anger. But he’s not worth it, and I need the job right now.
Thanks for sharing John! I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s not easy, but trust that you’re not alone. All of us face rude nuggets too (me as well, as I’ve shared in the article). The tips have helped me, so hopefully you’ll find them useful for your situation. I’ll be posting part-2 shortly with more tips on how to handle such people.
Great post. And it’s so true that people will change jobs to avoid working beside the biggest jerk, or brown noser. Then they find it worse at the next company. I’ve dealt with a few large egos myself lately, and managed to handle it with grace and calm. Isn’t always easy but “I am the master of my life” Especially my internal life. :-D
Hey Terry, that’s really fantastic :D Is there anything you do that helps you deal with such people calmly?
i have met some co worker at work, he has been working in the company for 4+ years and being a new worker, i have some question to ask him, and he rudely reply me that why cant i see that he is busy and trying to so call ‘scold’ me through email when he was just siting not far away from me, my supervisor also talk to me rudely and i dont understand why, so i try my very best not to talk to them and just by asking a simple question, my supervisor will reply to me rudely, why cant i deserve the basic repect from people? that company really suck to the hell and seem like everyone in the company just look down on me, i bear with it and finally i did change my job and my current job, the people are nice and they keep on encourage me. so is really important to have good co workers, if not your working life can be miserable.
i suffered from the same problem but i could not get good people at another place.
i feel good for you.
husein
… And it is really important not to tolerate bullying in the workplace, (or anywhere), fabulous that you had the courage to leave Meimei. I am so glad you have found somewhere better. :-D
Rachel.
Hey Rachel, thanks a lot for your encouraging comments :D Feel free to use the reply button directly under each comment if you’d like to reply to the specific comment – it’ll nest underneath :D
Interesting topic Celes.
I always think that people who have rude obviously have some problems in their life. Why would someone whose self-confidence and happiness are at a very high level be rude to other people around him or her?
That makes me feel compassion toward the person more than anything else and helps me to avoid giving a rude or angry response.
If taking the whole situation lightly and being nice doesn’t help, the next thing I do is to ignore the whole person and focus on something else. Life is full of positive and nice things, so it is up to me to decide what I focus my energy on.
Cheers!
I looked up how to deal with criticism and rude behaviour this evening because I went to visit my youngest daughter to give her an invitation. My middle daughter was helping my grandson to write. I suggested that since he is 6 that she draw lines on the paper to make it easy for him to direct his writing. She said it wasn’t necessary but my grandson insisted it was because “that is what they do at school”, so she drew lines. The next minute, I asked my grandson a question and she started shouting at me telling me I was asking him stupid questions; that he should be doing his homework; that my behaviour was childish, and really going on. At first I thought she was joking but when she persisted I noticed how serious she was, and I started to feel quite uncomfortable with her shouting so vehmently to me in front of my grandson. To be honest, I thought it was disrespectful on reflection, but I said nothing but got up, kissed my daughter goodbye and left without saying anything to the offending daughter. After reading your comment on dealing with people who are critical, I did introspect and wondered what her behaviour reminded me of, and believe it is because I have always been criticised by members of my family and have said nothing .
This time I sent her a text asking her not to disrespect me in front of my son again, and that she could have called me to one side if she had a problem with me interrupting his homework time. She wrote an abrupt text reinforcing that I was childish and rude. I decided to google critical behaviour and came across your site, thankfully, which said reward criticism with kindness not criticism because it can create a dent in the relationship. So I texted her and said she had mentioned she was tired and that she should rest and wished her good night. I am not sure what the outcome will be, but as soon as I sent those words of kindness, I felt so much better.
It is probably difficult to deal with criticsim from one’s child, but nevertheless, I accept that her crticism nothwithstanding had validity from a certain perspective but I am not going to beat myself up about it.
You sound like a nice person.
You are giving your daughter extra work by telling her to draw lines, and she is probably feeling way too stretched and tired already with parenting responsibilities. Your initial comment may have suggested she could be doing a better job than she was doing – next time, offer to draw the lines yourself, ask her if it is OK.
I think the Zen Master Swayze covered this with 3 rules .
One, never underestimate your opponent..expect the unexpected;
Two, take it outside, never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary; and Three…be nice… until is time to not be nice.
This seems to cover the bulk of this article.
You got it. Thanks for the info
I have found that this is one of greatest challenges that faces any business, volunteer team and even church organizations. Thanks for the article.
I have an (soon-to-be ex-) employer with a double-standard view on the world. She has rules that she expects her staff to follow, but doesn’t follow these rules herself. I know my future has a void where there was once a job that I truly enjoy and do well at, but I’d rather choose the void and fill it with something that I’m happier with than continue to restrain myself from feeling the way that I do while on the job. I am grateful from the lessons that I’ve learned during this short-lived job and I need to focus on the positive aspects of it and grow from them, rather than knock myself down for missteps that I made. I don’t deserve to lose this job, but I know that’s my fate. So holding on to the right attitude and a healthy perspective, and recognizing the places where I’ve been presented with a lesson, are the things I need to do.
I too have practiced these tips with a certain coworker who is very negative and rude. I find it interesting that this coworker often vents to me about other coworkers being so rude to her. She will complain and claim that she used to be rude but her husband helped her be nicer. FYI if she is so called nicer I’d hate to have known her before.
I get a email from some I haven’t since in years and sends me a ad on being fat and losing weight which started with a friend of her’s here in the same state I am I don’t understand?
Their email was probably hacked… That is, they probably did not purposely send you the ad.
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I understand that one being rude, is based upon one’s perception. I must see behaviour over a certain period of time, before I would make a judgment that someone is rude and inconsiderate. It is common for all of us to have a few random acts that would be deemed rude. I am more concerned with constant reoccurring rude behaviour. Does anyone have any suggestions about correcting and or preventing rude behaviour from another in your home, when you are not the head of the household?
Don’t be naive! Some people are covertly aggressive and not insecure. They’re manipulative and only out for there own power and control. If you have something they want, they will try to get it in an underhanded way. On the surface, they may seem charming, but if you sense something is wrong-it usually is.
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