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When I was a small child, there was a point when I thought I was going blind. I accidentally got soap into my eyes while showering and my eyes stung and smarted after that. I thought that the smarting would stop after I finished showering, but it didn’t. In fact, it became worse.
As a little kid, I was freaked out. I thought that I was going to lose my sight and become blind for the rest of my life.
Frantic, I bugged my mom, who was doing laundry then. I wanted her to take a look and assess the condition of my eyes. I wanted my mom to dash in, swoop me up (metaphorically), and let me know that I would be fine. I wanted my mom. I needed my mom.
So I tugged at her shirt to get her attention. “Mama, there’s something in my eyes,” I said. “Mama, there’s something in my eyes,” I repeated.
Alas, her response was not what I had hoped for. Instead of caring over me in a delicate, nurturing manner, my mom snapped at me in a highly agitated tone.
“Stop disturbing me! Can’t you see that I’m very busy? Come and bother me later, alright?” she bellowed at me in Chinese as she tried to shake me off.
I was crushed. As a little child, I could not believe that my mom would tell me that at a moment when I really needed her. There I was, looking to her for love and support at one of the scariest points of my life up till then, and there she was, refusing to acknowledge my cry for help.
My eyes turned out fine but my sense of self-worth, not so much.
That incident, along with years and years of the same behavior from my mom to me, instilled a subconscious belief that I was an unimportant person, not worthy of attention. I didn’t know it then, but it marked the starting point in my life where I would think of myself as unimportant (often subconsciously rather than consciously).
One of the key beliefs I took away then was, “I’m not important.” My thinking was, if I was so unimportant to my mom, the most important person in my life (at that point), then how important could I be to anyone else? And if my sight, which I regarded as my most important sense then, could not even stack up against something as trivial as laundry, then what could ever be important about me?
I grew up having issues with being ignored, regardless of whether someone was doing that or not. I grew up doubting my value in others’ eyes, often concluding that people didn’t find me important enough if they didn’t respond to my correspondences or requests for help.
Childhood Stories
I just shared my story of how I came to have issues with being ignored and doubt my worth in others’ eyes. However, what I really want to talk about today is childhood stories.
What are childhood stories? It is a term I use to refer to events that happened to us when we were a child, that became etched into our consciousness and formed part of our self-identity.
All of us have childhood stories. They can be…
- monumental events that shook your world when you were young, such as when your parents divorced or when your father left the family;
- one-off incidents, such as a time when you were scolded for something you didn’t do or when you were backstabbed by your best friend; or
- a negative period in your life, such when you were bullied in school, a painful childhood where you were badly treated by your family, or an abusive relationship.
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While I use the word “childhood,” childhood stories are not limited to our childhood. They can come from our teenage or adult years too. The reason I use the word “childhood” is that our childhood years are often the most formative years of our lives and the period when we are the most impressionable. It is said that most of our life scripts are formed by the time we are five or six.[1]
Why Understand Our Childhood Stories?
It is important to be aware of our childhood stories, because they can replay themselves over and over in our lives without us realizing it.
For example, for the longest time up until my late 20s, I had serious hang-ups with being ignored. If I sent a message to someone (such as with a request for help) and it didn’t get replied to after a while, I would feel annoyed.
Why is this person not responding? I would think. Doesn’t he/she know it’s very rude to ignore others? I would wonder if I wasn’t important enough for the person to type a reply, or if there was something wrong with me. I would wonder if the person would have replied if I were someone else. I would then conclude that I, or my message, wasn’t important enough to the person, and that I should focus my energy elsewhere.
While my next step to focus my energy elsewhere was correct, my self-doubts were unnecessary.
Firstly, my conclusion could be totally wrong. Maybe the person was just really busy, they missed my message, or the message got lost. Secondly, there is no obligation for anyone to reply to me, unless they are my family or there is some existing work relationship or commitment between us, which wasn’t the case. Thirdly, if someone didn’t reply because they didn’t regard me as important, then it really doesn’t matter what they think — I should just focus on other people vs. someone who doesn’t see my worth.
After going through the same thinking pattern for years, I started to suspect that there was something else going on. As I reflected on the situation, I realized that my hang-ups with being ignored could be traced back to my childhood story that I shared at the start — when my mom ignored my needs — and I was replaying this story over and over in my mind. Whenever someone failed to respond to a correspondence of importance to me, I would think “I’m not important (enough),” just like how I thought “I’m not important” when my mom ignored my needs as a child.
I was repeating the same thoughts whenever a similar event occurred — even when there was no relation between the two events, even when my conclusion was way off base.
Realizing this helped me to see the childhood story as what it was and untangle my old story from my present, hence stopping it from replaying itself. And I share how to do so below.
What Are Your Childhood Stories? Five Steps To Unchain Your Past From Your Present
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To create a future that’s independent of the past (in terms of our internal stories), we need to unchain our past from our present. To do so, we need to dig into and understand our childhood stories, identify the beliefs we formed then, and correct them to reflect what actually happened.
Here are my five steps to do so.
Step 1: Identify a childhood incident that left an impression on you
This can be a one-off event, e.g., when your mom hit you, when you let your team down in a sports event, when you fared poorly in your school leaving examination, or when your parents separated. It can be a series of events that happened over a period, e.g., you were bullied in school or you were in an abusive relationship.
Step 2: What beliefs did you form as a result of it?
For example:
- Being hit by your mom. Conclusion: “My mom hates me even though I’m her child. I’m undeserving of love.”
- Letting your team down in a school sports relay. Conclusion: “I’m talentless in sports. I’m a burden in whatever sports activities I join. I should not join anymore sports activities.”
- Faring poorly in your school leaving examination. Conclusion: “Everyone is able to get into his/her desired college but me. I’m a failure.”
- When your parents separated. Conclusion: “I’m the reason my parents broke up. I’m a burden to others.”
- When you were bullied in school. Conclusion: “I’m worthless. Nobody likes me.”
- When you were in an abusive relationship. Conclusion: “I’m undeserving of love. Nobody loves me.”
Step 3: Have you been replaying this childhood story?
Review your life since that incident. Do you think this way in any part of your life? If yes, how so? It’s highly likely that you have been replaying this childhood story in some parts of your life.
In my case, I continuously replayed my childhood story, thinking “I’m not important enough” whenever my correspondences went unanswered. My negative thoughts were coming from my childhood story, rather than the current incidents. I was damaging my psyche every time I repeated this thinking pattern.
Some other examples:
- Someone who was bullied by his/her family members as a child may replay this story by being with partners who ill-treat him/her, thinking “Nobody loves me.”
- Someone who thinks “I’m a burden to others” may replay this story by being afraid to get close to others and staying single.
- Someone who once let his/her team down in a sports event may replay this story by never joining any sports activities, thinking that he/she is simply not good in sports.
Step 4: Are these beliefs true? Challenge them.
- For the beliefs you formed as a child, are they true?
- Even if they were true for that event, are they true 100% of the time, across all situations?
Chances are, you will find that these beliefs are not true at all. They are likely erroneous beliefs that you formed when you were a child, during the moment when the incident happened.
For example, a key belief I formed in my childhood story was “I’m not important.” However, is it true?
While my mom shouted at me and told me to stop disturbing her, and did this throughout my childhood, it doesn’t mean that I’m not important. I realized later in my life that she was emotionally unavailable as my mother, and was toxic in many of the ways she parented me (as with many parenting methods in the traditional Chinese culture).
Additionally, I realized that my mom was constantly angry throughout my childhood and even when I became an adult. This was likely due to her own childhood upbringing and personality, but it was not due to what I did as a child. While I took this personally as a child, I now know that her reaction wasn’t about me, but about her and her own personal issues.
Whatever my mom did or said in no way reflects my worth as a person. In reality, I’m important, just like any other person. While I had thought “I’m not important,” this isn’t true and it was an erroneous belief that I formed at that point, because of my limited understanding of my mom and what was going on.
Step 5: Rewrite your childhood story
This final step is easy once you recognize that the beliefs you formed from that childhood event were wrong all along (as per Step 4). It’s then about consciously letting go of the false beliefs and rewriting the story to reflect what actually happened.
For example, my original childhood story was “My mom shouted at me when I hurt my eyes and needed help because ‘I’m not important.’ ” This is false and incorrect.
My revised and updated story, i.e., what actually happened, is this: “My mom shouted at me when I hurt my eyes, because she was in the middle of doing laundry and she didn’t want to be disturbed. She is also often angry and agitated for reasons that have nothing to do with me. The truth is that I’m important as a person. I’m worthy as a person.”
In a different example, say someone has a childhood story that nobody loves her because her step-siblings kept bullying her when she was young. The belief she took away was, “Nobody loves me.” Upon doing Step 4, she realizes that this isn’t correct, that people do love her. The reason her step-siblings bullied her was because they were jealous of her good grades, and because their mother would give her more attention as the youngest child.
So her revised and updated story, i.e., what actually happened, could be this: “My step-siblings bullied me because they were just kids and they didn’t know the right way to behave. They were also jealous of me because of my academic results, and because mom would dote on me as the youngest child. The truth is that I’m loved by many people — my mother, my father, my best friends, and my colleagues. I’m worthy and deserving of love. My step-siblings’ behaviors reflected their childishness and immaturity, and not my worth as a person.”
Your Childhood Story
I shared my childhood story in this article. How about you? Do you have any childhood stories that have been replaying in your life? How so? What beliefs did you form during those events, and are they really true? Can you rewrite these stories to reflect what actually happened?
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I was about 7 when I got beaten up by a couple of boys . Crying I came home and went to my father who was busy with laundry , I told him what had happened but he did not pay any attention to me and continued to work .I kept crying and finally fell asleep.
Hi Celes! I’m really glad I’ve run on this site.. I was really having troubles with myself but it was hard for me to understand the root cause of my problems.. until I got interested into stuff about conscious living and self-awareness.
When I was young, my parents hardly took time for me and my siblings. I held it within me that they don’t care at all. I felt so neglected all the time. I’m still in college but back in high school, it’s like I froze within my self, I didn’t want to speak out anymore maybe because there was that subconscious thinking that I don’t matter at all. I’m trying my best to skin off my introvertism but it’s hard. I hope to apply the things I learned in this article :) Maybe you can give me a few more things to ponder on.. I’m really grateful.
Celes, I enjoy your insights and wisdom so much–i look forward to your articles.
Several years ago I received one of those “fill out your life story” journals, and found myself unable to . I could not think of a single good story to write, despite knowing that there HAD to be many. I imagined my daughter coming across it someday and being upset by how sad and bitter I was regarding my childhood, and my parents.
I think the “childhood story” that has affected me in that regard has taken over my life. When I was 25 and 7 months pregnant and in a miserable relationship, I asked my mother to allow me to move back home. I was told I should stay where I was and be happy ANYONE would put up with me.
So, as that was my mother’s opinion about me–the person who knows and loves me best–this changed everything about me. I have no self-confidence, I dont trust anyone, etc, etc. I do not have a good relationship with anyone.
Mom has been dead for years now, and I still can’t get over it. Any advice?
Hi Miss M! Thanks so much for sharing your story. Try the five steps as I have shared in the article – they work regardless of who the person is or whether the person is still around. These steps are about working the stories out of our inner consciousness, the existence and truth of our stories is independent of the people involved, and has everything to do with us and our perceptions of ourselves/the world.
Hey everyone and my darling Celes :D
I remember one day me and mom were watching TV and she was crying (there was nothing sad on TV, it was just Karaoke show). I remember being concerned for her and I asked her: mom, what is wrong? And she said with a rude tone in her voice: You should never ask me that again!! I am not sure what effect had that on me, but I am guessing: I guess I felt rejected, she didnt even try to explain to me how and why she is crying. Today I notice I rarely doubt about what say people who I see them that they are “more than me” – that I dont see them equal to me, like authority for example: what my boss says, I believe that is true, I dont think with my own head, I am not thinking about that it can be different and how it could be different. And I dont ask additional questions about the matter, although its not all clear for me (I dont get it completely). Its like: well, if my boss says so, he knows best… With doing so, I also avoid the responsibility. I guess :)
By the age of seven, our emotional body or our inner child dies – he dies, so he could survive. He dies, so he can protect himself from additional emotional pain… If he dies, he doesnt feel it. But he doesnt just disappear.When we are adults that inner chil is still there, crying, waiting for us to tell him that everything will be ok. So we create situations in our life that enables us to finnaly face the pain and process it. I read that in books and it sounds logical :) A book from Michael Brown; The presence process: describes how that works. And it takes you through 10 week process: exercises helps you to bring those supressed feelings and emotions to surface and it gives you the chance to deal with them (to wake up your emotional body/your inner child).
I just want to thank you for reminding those of us who are parents about the effects of our words to kids. The responsibilities of parenting can be so stressful as a result we just lash out at our kids without thinking things through.
Hey zimkhitha, it is my pleasure. I’m glad that my story has helped to drive awareness for us as children and parents (for those of us with kids) alike. It is definitely very true that parents play incredibly important roles and have a huge part to pay in the character and belief formation of children.
Hi Celes,
I found this lovely quote on forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits. Hannah More
What a beautiful quote. Thanks so much for sharing Bob – I shall include that into the selection of quotes on PE quotes. Right now I have quotes scheduled till December, so it will be up in the month of Dec.
You’re welcome Celes :D ,
I love reading your ever expanding list of quotes. I heard or read somewhere that if we took all the old sayings, quotes and pithy expressions and lived by them, that they would give us an excellent foundation to live our lives.
There was a family story about a person who was not able to buy war bonds during the First World War and was put in jail. This was acted out in my life when faced with the opportunity of learning a new language.
I get these uncomfortable feelings that I will be considered unacceptable speaking German, French or Spanish. In a recent class reunion I was told that I was remembered for hardly speaking at all. This was a shocking revelation but true. I still find that keeping quiet is my default mode. I need to start a blog.
Hi Daniel, thanks a lot for sharing. Starting a blog would be a first step to getting yourself heard and finding your voice. Even participating in forums, attending meetups, and being an active part of conversations with friends and acquaintances alike will be greatly helpful.
Well, this is timely. I was reading Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eye today, and finally had to put it down because I got so upset. There’s a long stretch of the protagonist being bullied by her friends at age 8-9, constantly being told she’s not good enough, or that she’s not doing the right things.
This hit me so hard, because I realized that the very same thing had happened to me at that age. I was a happy, confident child and felt very secure in my skin. I’ve often wondered what happened to make me feel so inadequate, even 35 years later. Reading about it happening to someone else really opened my eyes, and made me realize that my so-called best friend from that time was instrumental in tearing me down. It was like she didn’t have a good day unless she made me cry.
My family was poor (something I’d never even thought about) while hers was well-off, and my time with her was spent under a constant barrage of criticism of my clothes, the way I did things, the house I lived in, the car my parents drove, the way my family did things, and on and on. Even a few years after that, I didn’t remain so sensitive to all of that and could laugh it off coming from anyone else. But to always hear that from someone who was supposed to be my friend was devastating.
It’s now that I realize that I haven’t been the same since. I’ve often wondered where that nagging voice of “you’re not good enough” came from, since I grew up very loved and supported by family and nearly all of my friends. I guess it took just one person at a particularly vulnerable, formative time to do a lot of damage. I feel relieved discovering this, though. Now that I know where it came from, I can work on letting it go.
(The friendship ended around the time I was 10. It wasn’t acrimonious- we just drifted apart, and always remained on friendly, though superficial terms. I’ve had a chance to get to know her as an adult, and she seems like a nice person. I’ll probably never trust her, though)
Hey Christina, thank you so much for sharing your story. Funny how conversations we had when we were young continue to stick around in our subconsciousness well into our adult years, huh? Such is the power of our childhood stories. Like you said, now that you know where it came from, you can work on letting it go (steps 3 to 5 of the exercise will be very useful for this purpose).
With regards to this “you are not good enough” voice, I want to add that you are not alone in facing this voice. Many readers of PE often mention having this belief about themselves. I want to let everyone know that there is never a “good enough”; it’s about being the best at *every moment* and ensuring that we are striving for the best we can be. We should not strive to be like others or to be anything other than the best standards of ourselves.
The comparison article covers this in detail: https://personalexcellence.co/blog/comparing/
Thanks,Celes!
Love the comparison article. It’s something I need to be reminded of all the time.
Hi Celes,
This is such an important issue–thank you for bringing awareness to it. I really believe that our fears and blocks can be traced to a specific incident when we were younger (and sometimes recent) and play out in ways we don’t realize.
I just recently realized that I stopped acting (theatrically) around the time I entered middle school and had to deal with “mean girls” like in the movie. It made me not want to be seen. Just recently I’ve been rediscovering acting, modeling, dancing, and making videos. I used to say no to opportunities like that before. Now that I’m saying yes, more are coming in and I’m finding that I’m ready to be visible.
~Christina
Hey Christina, I’m happy for you that you are ready to be visible now. It feels like Law of Attraction at work! When you are ready to receive something, the universe will start sending these things your way.
when I was 15 I was mugged on the train by three guys. it was really scary and it left me feeling helpless and vulnerable. Fortunately when i got into college i started taking tae kwon do and I’ve made a lot of progress (I’m a blue belt right now) however I realized i had a discomfort of sparring because sometimes i wouldn’t get hits in and that would make me feel helpless. Getting beat up wasn’t as bad because i’ve been through worse (mugging) but being competitive I felt kinda at loss when i didn’t do as well as i expected.
These days I started letting going of winning or losing and focused more on doing. I also see I’m not as helpless as I think and that if i didn’t get mugged I wouldn’t have taken tae kwon do, and would’ve missed out on something that I find helps define me ;)
Hey Bryan, good on you for making the best out of a negative event and using that as an impetus to learn a new skill. Thank you so much for sharing your story; it is really very inspiring how you did not let that event scar you, but in turn turned that into a positive point in your life (since it was the trigger point for you to learn TKD).
I like the point you mentioned about focusing on doing rather than winning or losing. I think it’s all about being in the moment and focusing on the process rather than being obsessed with a certain end point.
I was very young. Still in primary school I think and my parents often have friends over. Once my mum fried some fish balls. I remembered some of them being burnt and she told me that we’re only allowed to take the burnt ones.
Somehow this incident stayed in my memory through all these years. I’ve yet to let it go because time and again, my mum has been doing things like this to maintain her “face”. Like how I offered her some money to renovate the house, especially the toilets as they were old. She prefers to use the money for the common toilet where guests will use instead of the one near our bedrooms which all 4 of us (siblings) use and thus is wearing down faster.
How can I reframe these and get over it? It is not helpful to my mental state. I’ve accepted that she’s too old to change herself so the only way is for me to change my own thinking but how?
Hey Sharon, try doing steps 2, 3, and 5 of the exercise. Let us know how your results are when you do them.
Hi Sharon,
I sympathise my mother had similar ways of thinking.
A positive point – is that some people think that you should always give your best. For example you give your guests your bedroom, your best food and so on. It helps others to give their best as well. This isn’t always the case as some people just take, take, take and criticise. In which case it is time to review your friendship and giving because you don’t share the same beliefs.
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