Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Matt · 06-10-2011 01:12 AM

Please watch this video first. It's totally worth it. Trust me.

Now, what is your BIG secret? What have you not admitted to anybody? What have you not admitted to yourself? Please share. Get it off your chest right now. You are among friends.

Seriously, watch the video first

My secrets:

I'm still upset about a friendship I ended last year. I was friends with F since grade school. For years it was the type of relationship where a weak insecure person latched onto a more confident person. I was constantly trying to get approval from my friend. He could be disrespectful and I would not stand up for myself when this happened. For a long time I told myself I was angry because of how he treated me. Really I am upset that I took it for so long and I am ashamed of my behavior and how spineless I could be. When I ended the friendship I basically stopped all communication with him without warning. I knew I should end the friendship but I never fully told him why I was doing this. I was too ashamed to confront him and admit how upset I was with my own behavior and how I looked to others for approval.

I have deep feelings of inadequacy and self hatred and do not feel confident around people. During my day to day life I find it hard to believe that people would like me. I am very jealous of confident people I see at work. I am shy and spend most of my time alone.

I drink alone on a regular basis. Nobody knows this. I have even lied to some people and told them I don't drink at all anymore. In January I made the big announcement on the forums that I would never drink again. After I made the announcement I think I made it two weeks before I bought a bottle of liqueur and finished it off by myself. Since then I have been drinking alone weekly and in May I had been drinking several times a week. Before I made my new best life journal post I had just recently gotten off a ten day period where I was getting plastered each night by myself.

stacey_dream · 06-10-2011 11:54 AM

I loved the video, Matt. And thats a great idea to share our secrets - but more important that we don't judge each other here, maybe don't even comment on what we've found out.

Well, I must admit that I just can't keep things inside. When I think something good or bad about somebody, I always tell them. When my best friend was engaged to the 'wrong' guy, I just couldn't pretend that I liked him. We had a lot of problems in our friendship, because I couldn't help telling her what a big mistake she was making - every single time we met! So, they broke up 2 years later, luckily they didn't get married. Now we're closer than we've ever been! And there are a lot of examples of me being straightforward and telling the truth, even the painful things, to the people I love. I don't want to share here, what things I've done in my life, becuase I would share them with the people who were involved, who had to know.

Anyway, I guess my secrets now are more of a psychological character, because they don't really need to be shared with anobody, or if they are, it seems as if people weren't paying attention to what you were saying.

Matt · 06-10-2011 01:37 PM

Thanks for sharing, stacey! It's great that you are straightforward with your loved ones. In the past I have kept my mouth shut when I saw that friends were getting involved with the wrong partners. I didn't want to cause conflict but my silence probably did more to hurt them than if I had said something that could upset them. I should really be more like you and speak my mind to those around me even if it may cause hurt feelings.

I think everybody feels small and weak sometimes. The thing is thought that despite theses negative inner feelings you keep going and taking massive action to create a fantastic life. Strength is not the absence of these negative emotions. Strength is moving forward in spite of them which you certainly do.

hannah · 06-10-2011 02:08 PM

Hi guys... I want I didnt get through the whole video because i am short on time, but i will finish it up later.
I feel like I know you both so much better now after reading what you have written. All I have to say is that you are both AMAZING and I love you guys! :hug:

My Secrets?
Well... if you havent already figured it out I am emotionally weak also. Never had a role model to look up to since I was a kid... I was always the one that everyone, including my parents, looked up to for answers. Its tough when everyone thinks you are strong and that you know the answer to everything, when you really dont. Last year when I was at my lowest point (suicidal) my whole family just sat there, relied on me to change my life, when what I really wanted was guidence. Furthermore when I went for counselling the counsellor told me that "I seem to know what I am doing in life" and that was that, end of "counselling" lol. I guess I just learned that the only person I can depend on is myself.
My dad doesn't act like a father. he has never taught me anything in life.. he is absorbed in his own life and career and believes that buying us material goods shows he is a good dad. All I remember of him during our childhood was yelling about his career.

I am an extremely self-conscious person when it comes to getting into a serious relationship. My first kiss was really late compared to others, when I was 19. Then I got scared and broke up with him because I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. I imagined him (and all the other guys I started to have relationships with) judging my every flaw. I do not believe it when someone says that they are interested in me. I guess what I have always wanted is to just be happy with myself, and accept myself so I can move on in life, because there is so much I want to do, so many people I want to meet! Right now I spend 90% of my day by myself, which is hard because I am a very social person. I am just hiding myself I guess until I feel comfortable to be able to go out again. I know that this will all end soon though, that I will manifest that life in my head

And the most important secret of all : I am allergic to bananas.

(which Matt already knows)

Glenn · 06-11-2011 12:20 AM

All removed for now to prevent it appearing in the search engines.. I made a back up too, in case anyone missed it.

Moirawr · 06-12-2011 04:35 AM

It took me a lot more thought than I would like to admit to come up with a secret that defines my life more than I would like it to. And I think the reason for that lays in a mix of personality flaws on my part and the fact that I am quite open about many things in my life. A lot of people do not believe me when I say I have been a less than good and kind person. I still am, for the most part. And therein lies my secrets.

I like to think that I am better than I am. Somewhere in me, I have convinced myself that I am better than I actually am and sometimes better than other people. I am not saying that I fail to live up to a vision of perfection, as such a thing is definitely true of everyone. (Maybe more so here, where we all strive so hard to be bigger and better people!) But that I pretend to be better than I am.

I have freely admitted frequently in my life that I have an issue with anger. And I have told people that I am working on it, which I am. But truthfully, I have gotten much more adept at hiding anger than with letting it go. I have managed to let it go sometimes, but not nearly as frequently as I would like others to believe.

I had a relationship with someone last year that ended rather badly when we decided to part ways. I tried really hard to make it end better, but maybe not as hard as I could have. The situation was quite emotionally abusive on my end, honestly, but my friend really needed mental, emotional, and financial support. By the end, I no longer had it in me. And she reacted very badly when I finally had to withdrawal my support. I am not sure if it is guilt for not being able to help her more or if I am genuinely angry that she used me and did not see it that way, but I find trouble in letting it go. Every time these thoughts cross my head, I remind myself in almost mantra like form to let it go. There is no point in being angry. It does not help me and my letting those thoughts out into the world helps neither of us. I remind myself that I want good things for her, for her to get the help she needs and lead a happy life. But I am not sure if I actually want those things or if I just keep trying to convince myself that I do. A part of me is still angry enough that I would like bad things to happen to her.

And I am, sadly, not a better person than that. I keep trying to tell myself that I am a better person and those thoughts are ungenerous. But I think that is my secret. I am ungenerous and un-trusting.

That is really just one example. I have a lot of trouble letting go, though I try to pretend that I do not. I get angry easily and forgive even less. This is something I have been working on, but perhaps not hard enough. I think it is also why I push people away and tend to not trust people. I do not want to be put in these sorts of situations again, when surely perhaps if I had acted better at some point these things wouldn't have fallen apart as they had. Or maybe I am trying to take on too much responsibility. I don't even know anymore.

I do know that anger is definitely my cardinal sin. I get angry at really weird things sometimes too. And they are not all that consistent either.

I really need to practice that letting it go. Very badly.

So yeah, my biggest secret is that I pretend to be much more Zen than I actually am.

Matt · 06-13-2011 10:51 AM

I sincerely thank each of you for sharing here. When I watched the video in the original post I was a bit hesitant to post here but now I am glad I'm here. You four are some of the most active posters here and I am glad we have a place where we can get to know each other and support each other.

Glenn · 06-13-2011 04:21 PM

(06-13-2011 10:51 AM)Matt Wrote: I sincerely thank each of you for sharing here. When I watched the video in the original post I was a bit hesitant to post here but now I am glad I'm here. You four are some of the most active posters here and I am glad we have a place where we can get to know each other and support each other.

You too Matt!

I might actually remove my post, before the search engines pick it up. Whenever I do a Google search, forum results usually fill the top 10.

stacey_dream · 06-13-2011 11:10 PM

I wonder if we could 'block' this thread for strangers somehow... It really is none of their business. Our secrets are not for the whole world, but for those who could understand us.

Moirawr · 06-13-2011 11:18 PM

I am not sure if is possible to block a single thread from the internet, but I know it is possible to have a locked part of a forum, as Celes has done with many of her challenge forums. I am not sure if the idea of putting this in such a place would be seclusive though and maybe stand-offish, though I am also not as keen with sharing my weaknesses and secrets with the whole wide world.

But there is a possibility, if Celes were amenable and didn't think it would alienate people, for a Members Only forum where we could post topics like this and perhaps others that may be things we want to keep to within the group. However, I feel that there has to be a general understanding that most everything you put on the internet can be found if people want to try hard enough.

Matt · 06-13-2011 11:20 PM

(06-13-2011 11:10 PM)stacey_dream Wrote: I wonder if we could 'block' this thread for strangers somehow... It really is none of their business. Our secrets are not for the whole world, but for those who could understand us.

Yes we could do that. I'll ask Celes to make this thread just for us.

stacey_dream · 06-13-2011 11:33 PM

(06-13-2011 11:20 PM)Matt Wrote:
(06-13-2011 11:10 PM)stacey_dream Wrote: I wonder if we could 'block' this thread for strangers somehow... It really is none of their business. Our secrets are not for the whole world, but for those who could understand us.

Yes we could do that. I'll ask Celes to make this thread just for us.

that would be awesome! maybe after this more people would decide to share their secrets

Celes · 06-14-2011 02:11 AM

(06-13-2011 11:33 PM)stacey_dream Wrote:
(06-13-2011 11:20 PM)Matt Wrote:
(06-13-2011 11:10 PM)stacey_dream Wrote: I wonder if we could 'block' this thread for strangers somehow... It really is none of their business. Our secrets are not for the whole world, but for those who could understand us.

Yes we could do that. I'll ask Celes to make this thread just for us.

that would be awesome! maybe after this more people would decide to share their secrets

Hey guys, it's actually not possible to make a specific thread private, as what Moira has mentioned. A forum yes, but unfortunately not on a thread basis though.

Also even if it's possible, I'm not sure if it's such a good idea as it'll promote an unhealthy culture of exclusivity (and possibly even elitism to some extent, where 'older', more 'regular' members are seen as having a more superior status over the others), which will alienate other members and discourage others from joining in.

I do, however, recognize the nature of this thread is different from the bulk of the other forum discussions. From the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate and highly respect all of you for earnestly sharing your deepest thoughts here. All of you help make the forums the wonderful, beautiful place that it is today, and without you the forums will not be what it is now.

Let me know how you'd want me to help here. The lead options I have in my mind right now are:
1) Archive this to a private forum, where only members of said thread (or other sensitive threads in the future) can view the thread. However, the forum will be created purely just to house the 1 thread - I'm thinking the nature of this forum is best left as an archive (where new posts/threads can't be posted), because it may lead to an unhealthy culture of exclusivity as I mentioned above. Otherwise, one highly possible outcome I foresee is that members of the private forum start posting only in the forum, and stop participating in external forums altogether, and it starts creating a split in the community, where there's an elite member group vs. "normal" members. And there begs the other question of what determines whether a member should be in the "in" or "out" group, or whether it's purely on chance encounter and seniority. Ideally we'd want to create an open forum where everyone is invited to share and participate.
2) Delete this thread / or delete the posts for the members who are uncomfortable having others read it. Not so ideal, as I think the discussion we have going on here is beautiful and it'll be unfortunate to end it this way.
3) Create a members-only private forum, where only registered members can view/participate in the forum. Again, not such an ideal situation, because while it cuts out lurking, unregistered members, there's the other problem of less involved registered members of the forum lurking/reading sensitive information.
4) Any other suggestions

I'm sort of just throwing out top options in my mind now - fully open to listening to what everyone has to share/suggest. This situation does present itself to be quite a sticky one because of all the different member dynamics involved. I do want to have one where everyone is happy with though, or at least work towards an ideal scenario. Let me/us know!

hannah · 06-14-2011 03:20 AM

Hi guys,

I don't like to exclude any members... I think that whoever doesn't feel comfortable with having their post up should take it down. The post isn't what is important anyways... its not like if you delete it we will forget what you experienced!

Matt · 06-14-2011 05:01 AM

Thanks, Celes for the thoughtful reply. I didn't realize that a single thread could not be made private. Also I didn't think of exclusitivity problems arising if that was done.

(06-14-2011 03:20 AM)hannah Wrote: I don't like to exclude any members... I think that whoever doesn't feel comfortable with having their post up should take it down. The post isn't what is important anyways... its not like if you delete it we will forget what you experienced!

Well said, Hannah. I think we should just leave the thread as it is. If you are no longer comfortable leaving your post in this thread feel free to delete it. I'm leaving mine up though.

If any future members find this thread I encourage you to share whatever secrets you may have.

Moirawr · 06-14-2011 11:38 AM

I sort of figured that Celes wouldn't want to brand anything on her forums as private or the like. The point of her website is to reach as many people as possible, of course. And we're quite thankful for that as it brings many more new and interesting people to the forums!

I am actually okay with leaving it up and letting people delete theirs if they are uncomfortable sharing it with everyone, which is essentially what posting anything on the internet is. I am also okay with leaving up my post. I think the point of the talk is to get those things out in the open anyway and what could be more open than this?

So I am happy to leave my secret up.

stacey_dream · 06-14-2011 02:48 PM

(06-14-2011 02:11 AM)Celes Wrote: 1) Archive this to a private forum, where only members of said thread (or other sensitive threads in the future) can view the thread. However, the forum will be created purely just to house the 1 thread - I'm thinking the nature of this forum is best left as an archive (where new posts/threads can't be posted), because it may lead to an unhealthy culture of exclusivity as I mentioned above. Otherwise, one highly possible outcome I foresee is that members of the private forum start posting only in the forum, and stop participating in external forums altogether, and it starts creating a split in the community, where there's an elite member group vs. "normal" members. And there begs the other question of what determines whether a member should be in the "in" or "out" group, or whether it's purely on chance encounter and seniority. Ideally we'd want to create an open forum where everyone is invited to share and participate.

I'm sorry everybody took my suggestion in the wrong way - I didn't mean that I was against other people here reading our posts! Not at all! I was just thinking about Glenn's words concerning the appearance of this information on Google. I meant that we could close this thread for those not registered on this site and this way it would become closed for the whole Internet. If people don't have a clue about self-improvement and don't care about personal excellence, why should they read this?

That's why I think the best idea would be to make it open for all the registered members, but not the outer world. As far as I understand this forum is supposed to be a kind of a private community, isn't it?

Glenn · 06-14-2011 03:47 PM

(06-14-2011 03:20 AM)hannah Wrote: I don't like to exclude any members... I think that whoever doesn't feel comfortable with having their post up should take it down. The post isn't what is important anyways... its not like if you delete it we will forget what you experienced!

True, I think we all got around to reading each other's post.

I actually just removed mine. I know it's not a big deal, but you never where it could end up in the search engines in 5 years time! I've sometimes found various forum posts of my own that I wrote years ago and had completely forgotten about. I read them and think "Did I really write that???"

Moirawr · 06-15-2011 06:44 AM

I don't think anyone took your suggestion the wrong way, Stacey. We were just saying it would look sort of inner circle or exclusive to new-comers who want to check out the forums but see that there is an area locked that they have to join to see. They may decide that seems not as open and friendly as they may like and decide not to come visit us and join the forums.

It's honestly more of a matter of marketing on Celes part, since she would not want to do anything that could possibly reduce the number of people receiving her message. From a PR standpoint it is a bad idea. We all completely understand where the suggestion came from.

Celes · 06-15-2011 12:14 PM

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts so openly and graciously! And thanks to everyone who kept your posts up - as well as Glenn who took your post down. Totally understandable and I respect all your decisions and thoughts. Thanks as well for your endless contribution in making TPEF such an amazing place too.

(06-14-2011 02:48 PM)stacey_dream Wrote: I'm sorry everybody took my suggestion in the wrong way - I didn't mean that I was against other people here reading our posts! Not at all! I was just thinking about Glenn's words concerning the appearance of this information on Google. I meant that we could close this thread for those not registered on this site and this way it would become closed for the whole Internet. If people don't have a clue about self-improvement and don't care about personal excellence, why should they read this?

That's why I think the best idea would be to make it open for all the registered members, but not the outer world. As far as I understand this forum is supposed to be a kind of a private community, isn't it?

(06-15-2011 06:44 AM)Moirawr Wrote: It's honestly more of a matter of marketing on Celes part, since she would not want to do anything that could possibly reduce the number of people receiving her message. From a PR standpoint it is a bad idea. We all completely understand where the suggestion came from.

Hey Stacey! Like Moira said, I don't think we took your suggestion the wrong way either! I totally understand where you're coming from, and it's a perfectly valid point too. In fact thank you for sharing your thoughts openly. And seriously, I'm really glad we're all discussing this because it'd arise at some point, sooner or later, any way, as part of the forums' / community's development. So it's good that we're all discussing this now.

I see it as a natural progression and growth.

(06-15-2011 06:44 AM)Moirawr Wrote: It's honestly more of a matter of marketing on Celes part, since she would not want to do anything that could possibly reduce the number of people receiving her message. From a PR standpoint it is a bad idea. We all completely understand where the suggestion came from.

I wouldn't put it as a marketing or PR matter (I could care less about that actually) - More a matter of community development and how many people *we* can touch. Also one thing I want to stress is that I see the forum is a whole lot more than just me; I wouldn't even associate it as something by me (founded, started, launched yes, but the forum is so much more than just that), but as something that belongs to all of you, all of us (us as in collectively as a community). Like Moira said, it'd discourage others from joining if they see there's some area that's exclusive to X members, and that's an opportunity lost in forming new connections and benefiting others' lives.

An analogy I'd draw is if I just create a fasting forum where say, it's exclusive to only me, Hannah and Lynette, because we subjectively decided that we can connect better on fasting with one another (having tried fasting before) than with others who haven't tried it before. While it's great for the members of the inner circle to share thoughts on fasting and what not, it prevents others from ever benefiting from what our fasting journeys. Nobody except the 3 of us will ever get to know about fasting or learn about fasting since it's kept to an insular circle. Even though not all forum members comment on Hannah or Lynette's past fasting logs (or mine for that matter, actually), I'm quite sure a lot of people (non-members and members) alike read them and found them beneficial. Whether or not they ever plan to join the forums, or ever want to fast or not, is a separate thing altogether. The most important thing is because the original information was shared openly, they were able to read (and benefit from them), and hence walked away different, more informed, more educated, after reading their logs.

I'm thinking more from the angle that "Because the forums is an open space, we've attracted amazing people like Hannah, Moira, Stacey, Glenn, Matt, etc". If there's a layer of exclusivity in the forum, that well means potentially losing an opportunity to know another Hannah/Moira/Stacey/Glenn/Matt/friend/best friend in this world, and that's the issue I'm trying to convey here.
Right out there, I'm very sure there are many Hannahs/Moiras/Staceys etc, lurking right now, reading the forum, absorbing the information and improving their lives with the info, even though they don't comment! And they may well suddenly decide to join one day, when they gather the courage to be an active part of the community. (I guess we can somewhat consider them a part of the circle in a way, just that they're a silent part) On the other hand, if the forums has been made exclusive say, since it started in Oct last year, I'm not too sure if the members we have at TPEF today would even have joined to begin with. And if we hadn't joined, none of us would have had the chance to know each other, to become friends, and for some of us, even becoming best friends. (I know I certainly wouldn't join a private forum without knowing what I'm getting into or the people inside.) It'd break my heart to know that someone out there could have benefited from our active pursuits of our goals but couldn't because we closed the connection to them at the onstart.

I also want to add on that all of you shouldn't underestimate the impact you have on others (invisible readers and members alike) with what you're sharing here! Right now somewhere, someone is relating/connecting with you on what you write (be it personal struggles, thoughts, reflections, decisions, goals, etc) and is well seeing you as a personal hero in his/her life, precisely because of what you share here. That's really the power of the internet, that allows us to connect and reach out to others in the most unexpected ways/manners.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode The BIG Secret Nobody Wants To Tell
Author	Message