I don`t know if anyone will read this, but I just cannot continue on this way. I must seek for help and I must find a way out from an obstacle that I`m facing.
Meeting Celes and the first challenges that I did on this blog, the articles from here beautifully changed and improved my life. With their help, I overcame some big blockages, many fears and let go many limitative believes – I`m sure about it because all the people around me noticed these changes and my life was transformed in better ways.
After “Be a Better Me Challenge” I noticed some new things in my life: week after week I met many new beautiful people, I made new friendships, I`ve lived wonderful moments and people started saying and appreciating that I`m always smiling, positive and sunny.. I also noticed that I was always smiling while walking and while I was around people - the moments spent with them were mostly a joy.
But in the evenings, as soon as I was alone, in the face of the computer and trying to write an email, to share something with somebody, to call a friend, I was blocked. Completely blocked, I wish I can describe well the sensation – it`s like all the way of communication were closed, lost, blocked.. sometimes it feels like a big wall that have grown bigger and bigger around my heart, blocking my way out to others. I had some similar problems with communicating in the past also, but now it was there day after day – not affecting too much my face-to-face contact with people, but the communication in writing, on the phone and my ability of keeping in touch with people.
One evening the sensation of the wall around my heart was so bad, the perspective of running away from everybody, of not saying anything to anyone ever again and the desire to be alone and to stop communicating felt so serene and alright for my mind, that I was frightened and I couldn`t stop crying.. I was afraid on that day that I`ll go down in my soul so much, that I`ll lost myself and I`ll become an alienate.
I truly cannot say what made me feel in this way, the next evening I talked a little to a friend about it and it helped me a little, it warmed my heart that she assured me that she won`t allow me to become completely silent, as I was afraid I`ll do. In the same evening 3 other friends whom I haven`t spoke for a while contacted me and the time spent with them made me to feel so happy – it was like the Universe was showing me that I`m not alone at all and that I`m not allowed to run away from people.
Since then some days were so bright, especially the ones when I was working with good results and when I was volunteering, and some were grey, because I still couldn`t find my way out from my heart for keeping in touch with my friends and in extension for constantly following any goal or challenge.
Celes learned me and after experiencing it also, now I know too well that the reason of any problem we`re facing and the answer to any question regarding our life is inside of us, but no matter how much I tried to go deeper and deeper into my heart and to find the root cause of these feelings, I couldn`t find it.
Thinking a lot about it actually made the situation worst, because I felt even more remorse and guilt for hurting people by not talking and keeping in touch with them and for disappointing myself more and more in this way. I know this is not a good thing and what this means, so I tried to focus on the positive aspects of my life, but still the problem was there, haunting me and sometimes making me to enjoy life less.
On this December I was determined to find the reason for this problem of mine and to work on it on the challenge, I wanted to dedicate all my free time to it, no matter what. Unfortunately, my plan didn`t go well, because on the first 5 days from the challenge I went home with some good friends who were guests in our house. The computer was in the room where they were sleeping and I had to spend with them almost all the time, I tried to spend some time with my family also, so even if I worked a little on the first tasks, I didn`t find enough time and silence for writing down everything and for sharing it on the forum.
As soon as I returned from home I caught a bad cough, because of it for few days I was so tired that I felt asleep as soon as I arrived home from work and I could barely wake up on time for work in the mornings.
So the beginning of the month wasn`t too favorable for doing the challenge, even if I promised myself and to Celes that I`ll participate with all my might on it. I don`t want to seek excuses and reasons, I`m so sorry if I disappointed you again, Celes. I know I have no excuse, maybe I should have done more efforts, maybe I gave up too easily – I assume my guilt and I`m really, really sorry about it.
Today I saw that the forum for the challenge is closed for me because I was inactive and the feeling that I`m doing everything wrong filled each part of me. I think I still hoped I`ll caught up or that I`ll participate on the last half of it. Well, if I cannot any more work and deal with this problem on the challenge, how will I ever solve it?
So here I am, sharing these things with you here and trying to find my way out from my blocked, frozen heart.
Last week while somebody asked me what I want for Christmas I was shocked to realize that I have no desire. Well, I still dream about a good camera, but it was sooo hard to remember that dream at that moment.. it felt like coming from another life, another time. Then, when I thought about my goals for the next year, the thought that I`ll drop most of them and that I`ll disappoint again myself and others was so strong, that made me again to not desire anything. All these made me realize that this blockage in communication and its consequences are starting to affect all my life, so I really must find a solution for it.
Why am I facing such big problems and blockages in following my goals, keeping in touch with people and communicating and sharing? Should I seek for help somewhere? I came here, even if I feel that I disappointed some dear people from here, especially Celes. And even if this constantly breaks my heart, I`m still blocked in my attempting to be here and to write her like I used to do in the past
How is it possible to be a bright, happy and nice person with the people in daily life, but when I must communicate with them in writing or on the phone it`s almost impossible for me to do it, even if I know that it will made all of us happy and especially them? How can I say that I love people and I care about them and then to run away from them and not writing or answering them? Why some things can be so simple and bright into my life and other (still simple for most people) so difficult for me to do?
Well, if you had the patience to read all this, I really appreciate and I thank you so, so much. If anything from what I wrote makes any sense for you, any thought and suggestion is more than welcome.
Maybe what I shared sounds silly comparing with big, real problems of others, but trust me that a wall around your heart can be a real problem.. at least it is for me, and it`s not affecting only me, but the beautiful people from my life as well.
Until now I tried to solve this by taking little steps, reading articles from the blog, making more efforts for keeping in touch with people, being more determined and motivated – unfortunately nothing worked on the long term. I didn`t share all this until now, because it`s quite hard to explain how such simple things can become a burden, but maybe somebody will understand.
I know I`m the only one who can solve this and I`m sure I`ll succeed to do it someday, but for the moment I don`t know how to do it and I need a little bit of help, if you have any idea.. And if you don`t, there is no problem, thank you anyway for being here
I feel that writing and sharing this is already helping me, my mind is searching for answers and ideas even while I`m writing this.. And the sun has just come out from the clouds and it`s shining outside
Simply thank you
Lots of love and good thoughts to all of you