Post: #1

I have been dating X for over a year. Initially, our relationship was just hanging out and nothing serious. As we began to hang out more I noticed X was a bit jealous. As things progressed in our relationship C was EXTREMELY jealous. He’d check my phone. We had our Google maps on and if for any reason mine wasn’t working and it said I was down the street or it had me pinned some place I actually wasn’t, he would flip out! We tried so hard to get through the whole being possessive and jealous. At times I felt that it was working but there were still some days he feels the need to say these small remarks about my whereabouts. And he’d question whether I had been with anyone else sexually. Which I have not. I don’t know if he would make these comments because he actually thought I was cheating or because he needed attention. He ALWAYS wanted attention. There were some days I just did not have the energy to give it to him. On those days he’d threaten me with going out and cheating because he just NEEDED attention. For most of the relationship he was emotionally abusive. Then it got physical. I threatened (ugh, I know) to leave and he PROMISED that he would change. Things have been getting somewhat better and he has changed from what he used to be. Now with that being said I am feeling like maybe I do not want to be in this relationship. I am not feeling my self-worth. Lately he has been praising me more and making me feel better but I just am not feeling the whole relationship. Lately he has been a good man (I have been distant), he’s trying REALLY hard with EVERYTHING i.e., laundry, cooking, cleaning, handling things around the apartment. I feel confused right now. I want to leave. And just be on my own. Re-discover myself. Try new things and new places. But I also wonder if I am making a mistake. He’s completely changed and such an amazing man now. But most days I dread coming home. I would rather not give him any type of emotion. I just feel disconnected. I also have felt lonely, which I think is normal. I feel completely confused. Should I stay or go. Should I risk leaving while things are great? What to do?

Post: #2

Hi Luvmigeek!

Emotional/physical abuse can have devastating consequences for your physical and emotional helath, and nobody deserved to go through that. Do you really think that X has change for good, or is he just trying to convince you to stay and then go back to old habits? Or are you trying to convince yourself X has changed because you really want things to work out?

You deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel good about yourself and about your life. If your relationship with X is not making you happy any more maybe is time to move on. In this cases is better to be "selfish" and think about what you really want and not look at how much the other person is trying because in the end it´s going to be better for both of you. Do not fear change. There´s a whole world out there and you will meet many amazing people. Maybe it´s true, he is a wonderful man, but maybe he is just not the man for you.
I think you said it yourself " I want to leave. And just be on my own. Re-discover myself. Try new things and new places." If that´s what you want, go for it. If you do what you want and what you feel you need to do, you will never make a mistake. If he really loves you he would want you to be happy and he will accept your decision.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Just follow your heart and do what you feel it´s best for YOU.

Post: #3

Wow, I understand the jealousy thing both as a person who was jealous of my wife's attention she got, and her being jealous of the any form of attention I got especially from a female.

Long story short, I'm divorcing my wife. Any new relationship in the future, I will have this mind set, and I'm very comfortable with it.

Any attention my future girlfriend, eventually wife, gets there is no reason to be jealous. I'm going to trust her that she will not break that trust. Visa a versa, any attention I receive my partner should trust that I will not break that trust.

I should be proud that people find my partner attractive and hit on her. Knowing she will be in my arms instead of his at the end of the night. Same with her, she should be proud that she has me as her partner and I will be in her arms that night as well.

This is the value I am looking for in the next relationship. If at any point that trust is broken I know it's over. My trust in my wife was broken almost 7 years ago when she cheated on me. We worked on our relationship, but it's back to where it was before. One of the many issues we have is that she accused me of cheating as a form of revenge or something like that. It's quite apparent that my wife does not know my values. That is why when she said "get over this affair, it was just sex!" "I have said I'm sorry a thousand times, what else do I have to do!" It's that fact right there. She said she was sorry, but look at the first phrase. It wasn't a big deal to her.

Now think about that. Cheating on me was not a big deal. It was just sex.... So you are saying a thousand times I'm sorry for something you do not feel is a big deal......

I would rather have one I'm sorry that means it, instead of a million I'm sorry that doesn't mean it. The giver of the apology should really forgive themselves before they can even think about giving it to another person.

The phrase "I'm sorry" should never end with an exclamantion point!

Luvmigeek: I would think really hard on this change in attitude from X. Do you really feel its genuine? You did say you noticed the change, but you still dread coming home. You should really do what feels right, what your gut is telling you. You asked if you should risk leaving while things are great.... But honestly ask yourself. Is it really that great? You should never feel dread coming home.

I beg of you to think really hard but quickly. Violence has no place from the ones that truely love you. Please reach out to your friends or family, if at anytime you feel your life is in danger. You are never alone in this world.

Post: #4

(05-04-2012 06:24 AM)luvmigeek Wrote:  For most of the relationship he was emotionally abusive. Then it got physical. I threatened (ugh, I know) to leave and he PROMISED that he would change. Things have been getting somewhat better and he has changed from what he used to be. Now with that being said I am feeling like maybe I do not want to be in this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but any relationship that is emotionally abusive, and certainly physically abusive, is not something you should put up with.

My mother's first marriage was very much like the one you are describing. Full of anger, jealousy and emotional abuse. When he started beating her, she was too afraid to leave. He also made all sorts of promises to her that he would change. But always, he went back to his old self. It was made more difficult as they had two children of their own, which he also physically abused (punching them, holding them under water in the tub when they cried, etc).

The night before my mother left, he set her on fire in her pajamas out of jealousy, and tried to kill her.

I personally do not feel that any person has the right to ever abuse another in any way. I also hold little faith that they have the ability to change their behaviour. As long as you allow them to have that control over you, the possibility to be abusive is always there.

Of course you have to make your own decisions, but if it were me, I would not stay a minute longer if someone were treating me like that. You can tell yourself right now its not that bad, but one day, it just might be.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
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Post: #5

Wow, Kimberly, i'm so sorry to hear your mother had to go through that. I hope she has been able to move on and put that in the past.

A person close to me, her step-mother was killed by her father, then he did the cowardly thing and killed himself. What I would have done to him before he killed himself, I would be in jail, and I'm serious about that.

This is why spousal abuse to me is so personal. I can't stand anyone to have to go through that, let alone a close friend or a loved one.

Luvmigeek: We haven't seen you respond, I really hope you are ok. Please do the right thing and if you feel something is not right, you need to get away from him.