I'll have two days of diary in one post here.
DAY 1 (saturday)
Yesterday was one of the hardest day of the year for me. I have been having troubles in my marriage for some time and now it looks like there is no way to deal with all the issues we have. I love my husband very much. We've been together 9 years and married for 5.5 years. I'm emotionally crashed and on top pf that very busy with my life. We were out all day yesterday: Visiting his grandparents, taking our daughter to a birthday, greeting a new 18-hour-old family member and my friends birthday. It was hard even if all the events were very positive.
In the evening I was ready to go to bed alone and feel sorry for myself when I remember the challenge. I meditated for ten minutes.
I sat on my bed listening meditation music on youtube. Usually I do very simple meditation. I sit and breath and whenever I get an idea, feeling or tought I breath out and say in my head "you can go". Now that most of my toughts were totally distructing it felt so difficult! ...so I intuitively added a phrase there. Instead of just letting go I started to say "I accept you" while breathing in and continuing with my trusted "you can go". It wasn't easy but it worked! I experienced somethig that's always hard to explain and usually takes me more time than just 10 minutes and more long lasting cosistent meditation.
I'm glad I did this even if I felt overwhelmed and not spiritual at all before I started.
DAY 2 (sunday)
Today I started with a 5 minute meditation right after breakfast. I sat on my bed and did the same as yesterday. I almost always meditate in lotus-position, my hands on my knees palms up. Nothing special to repost here. It felt good. My concentration was alright and my day got a loving, smooth start.
This evening i tried meditating on our couch. In my usual posture, music playing for 15 minutes. Phew - this must have been my most difficult meditation ever. It wasn't bad. I wasn't suffering in any way but I found it soooo difficult to concentrate!
*over-heated thinking (Really! How can one person have that much to think?!)
*couch was too soft (its not even that soft to be a couch...)
*it felt too hot here (didn't feel hot at all before I started)
*all the noise
I know all that is just me being so distracted with everything that's going on. I found myself looking for a more comfortable position, thinking a lot. Thinking how to describe all that came to mind in english because of this journaling... And all the time the "I'm not supposed to think" -record was playing in the backround. I'm usually ok with thinking (even yesterday) and am able to let go at least to some extent. This was different.
So I decided to let go. I just wanted to sit as still as possible and not let my thinking destroy the moment so that I would stop. I just let my mind go wild and didn't control it at all. That helped a little. I was still kind of relieved when the 15 minutes was up
Now I think I need some physical element to bring me back to the moment if this ever happens again. This far I've been using music and sometimes a candle to direct my focus when it comes to listening and visual elements. I'll probably take a small rock my mum foud last summer from a bech during our holiday in Montenegro. It feels good in my hand and has a white cross in gray backround - art made by nature. I'm christian so I don't mind mixing a religious aspect to this too. It feels good to think God is there while I meditate.
Tomorrow I'll be guiding a meditation to my actors . I feel there is a difference when meditating alone and when meditating in a group. I'll be back to report about that, too.
Love to all of you,