Personal Excellence » relationship

How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

Celes — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 23:49:08 +0000

This is the last part of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 1: A Child’s Wish
How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap
How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 3: Revelations and Happiness
How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

As you look at your relationship with your parents today, how would you describe it?

Is it a state you are happy with? Would you rate it 10/10? Is it one where you’ll say “this is the best, most ideal state I can ever be with my parents”?

Many of you shared in the comments about your strained relationship with your parents. Some of you have tried multiple times to mend things, but with little success. Some of you are frustrated with where the relationship is heading. Some of you face difficulty communicating with your parents, even though theoretically it shouldn’t be the case since you speak the same language.

I’d like to thank all of you for sharing your stories so openly. Whatever the difficulty you’re facing with your parents today, I’d like to let you know that you’re not alone in the problem. I struggled in my relationship with my parents for one and a half decade. During this period, I faced multiple challenges before I was finally able to achieve resolution in this area.

Challenges in Improving Parent-Child Relationships

Relationships are always the hardest goals to work on, because they involve another party. This adds a whole new dynamic, compared to goals like earn $X income or lose X weight, which are more static and linear.

Especially parent-child relationships – they are even more challenging due to the following reasons:

Years of baggage. Unlike other relationships where you start from a clean slate, with parent-child relationships, you have baggage built up from young. This weighs down the relationship. Rather than work towards the vision, sometimes you may need to work through the baggage first, which makes the goal bigger than it already is. Also this baggage may house subconscious triggers which make you behave out of character around your parents, making it even harder to work on the goal objectively.
Non-reciprocation. While deep down you may want to improve your relationship with your parents, your parents may not have that intention. They may well be okay with how the relationship is today. This makes it near impossible to improve the situation, since effort is required both ways to make things work.
Differences in vision. What is your ideal for your relationship with your parents? For them to be stronger mentor figures? To be more open in communication? To be more emotionally expressive? To be good friends with each other? Whatever it is, they may not share the same ideal. If that’s the case, if expectations are already different at the on-start, conflict is inevitable.
Generation gap. Being brought up in different generations create deep-seated implications, from differences in communication style, mindset, world views, philosophy on life, way of expressing love, and so on. With my parents, our generation gap created a very deep chasm that made it near impossible us to communicate, until after I came to my revelations.
Different personality types. Your parents may have personalities which make it impossible for you to relate to. With my mom, she can be very stubborn, opinionated, and difficult. With my dad, he’s very quiet and inexpressive. Our personalities don’t gel at all, and this made it very difficult for me when I was trying to work through the relationship at the beginning.

How To Improve Your Relationship with Parents

See it as a journey

The first thing I want to point out is that improving your relationship with your parents isn’t a “follow X-step and Y-step, then you can see results right away” goal. In fact, you may not even see any changes for a while for that matter. To improve your relationship with your parents is an ongoing, work-in-process goal – an end point does not exist.

While I was working on my relationship with my parents in the past, one of my biggest challenges was that my efforts often seemed futile. For example, when I tried to strike up a conversation with my parents, they were not receptive. There was a period 2 years ago when I went all out to draw us closer, making big steps (in my opinion) like hugging them and writing cards to tell them how much I loved them and appreciated them for bringing me up.

The response ranged from weak to negative. With the hugging, my mom violently pushed me away as I mentioned in Part-2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap, much to my shock and horror. My dad didn’t return the hug. With the cards, there was no direct response from my dad or mom. With the conversation attempts, my mom would snap back and ask me why I was asking so many questions, while my dad would give his usual mono-syllabic responses.

There was even a point when I wanted to rearrange the layout in the kitchen because we had an awkward dining room layout that prevented the family from having meals together. We would always be dining separately – my brother and me in our rooms, my mom in the kitchen, and my dad in the living room. However when I suggested the idea, my mom would vehemently rejected it (as she hated change); and when I went ahead and did it anyway, she lost her temper and shifted everything back.

That was when I realized my relationship with my parents wasn’t one that could be mended overnight. We’re not talking about mending a one-time conflict. We’re talking about mending a lifetime of arguments, miscommunication, conflicts, and misunderstandings.

To think that I could resolve all past grievances with just a few “nice” actions was incredibly naive on my part. Even though I did muster a lot of strength to initiate the hugs and write/give them the cards, these actions alone were not enough to mend the gap. Clearly, *a lot* more work had to be done. (I continued to work on the relationship for years after that, even to this day.)

If I switched to their perspective, their (lack of) reaction at that time was completely understandable. Imagine – Up till that point, all our interactions had been abrasive, usually from me to them. Hence for me to suddenly be warm and fuzzy toward them – it was no wonder they were unsure of how to act. They had probably formed a hard shell all these years to protect themselves from further hurt. They probably thought my niceness was a fluke; a randomity; that things would go back to the way they were the next day, and I would be abrasive towards them again.

It was then my responsibility to let them know that things were truly different, that I had grown into a different person, and that I was serious about improving our relationship. How? Not through saying it, but through consistent effort. Through consistent effort on my part, they slowly became more receptive to my actions.

Remember these things take time. The rebuilding of trust is a delicate process.

If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, be ready to commit to this as a journey, and not some X step, X thing you execute in 1 week or 1 month. Let them know you’re truly sincere in changing the situation. Let them know that you’re not just doing this as a one-off fluke. Anticipate negativity in their reactions at first, because your changed behavior is probably new to them and they’re trying to adjust. Consistent effort is the key.

Release the parent-child ideal in your mind

Many of us have a parent-child ideal etched in our mind – be it from when we were a child, or as a teenager. This ideal probably formed when we were watching TV, when we witnessed interactions between our friends and their parents, when we read about parent-child relationships in books, and the like.

Believe it or not, the best way to progress your relationship with your parents is to drop the ideal. Drop whatever ideal you have painted in your head for you and your parents. The sooner you release yourself of this self-limiting vision, the sooner the relationship will blossom and come into its own.

As you’ve read from my story, my past parent-child relationship ideal was for my parents to be my best friends. I yearned for us to communicate openly and share anything and everything with each other. I yearned for us to be able to express our care and concern for each other, without reservation. I yearned for us to discuss decisions about my life, to have intelligent conversations, to engage each other on a deep, meaningful level.

When I worked on our relationship with this ideal in mind, I faced resistance the whole time – from them to me, from me to them, and from me to myself. In all my efforts to create an open communication channel with my parents, I would be frustrated with them for not responding in kind.

Why are they not reciprocating my efforts? I thought. Why are they being so difficult? Can’t they see that I’m trying very hard to make things work out?

Ironically, it was when I dropped the ideal 3-4 months ago (in March ’11) that our relationship was finally able to grow (as I mentioned in Part-3: Revelations and Happiness). It was then that I realized, to my shock, that my parents had been trying so hard to improve our relationship (via their own way) the entire time. I was unfortunately unable to “see” that because I was so fixated on my one ideal.

When you approach your relationship with your parents with a fixed ideal, you suffocate the relationship. Firstly, you limit how the relationship can develop. It’s like creating a scaffolding over a seedling and insisting it grows to X shape and Y size – it doesn’t work that way. Not only that, it’s unfair for your parents because it’s not an ideal you’ve consulted them on. It may be an ideal to you, but not to them, not to the family. The only situation when having an ideal works is when it has been co-created and endorsed by both parties.

The seedling, i.e. your relationship with your parents, can blossom to a beautiful plant on its own, but first you need to give it space to grow. Doing that means removing the scaffolding and eliminating your ideal, i.e. the “fixations” you have for the relationship. Stop expecting them to be someone/something they are not. Instead, accept them as who they are today.

Appreciate what they can offer in their capacity

A lot of times we get frustrated with our parents at all the things they don’t do or can’t do. For example, we may be frustrated at how they are so traditional. We may be frustrated at how close-minded they are. We may be frustrated at their resistance to everything we want to try or do in life. We may be frustrated at how slow they are with things.

Rather than get hung up over how your parents aren’t doing X or Y, learn to appreciate what they can offer in their capacity instead.

For example, say you’re frustrated that you only meet your parents once a month. And that even though you arrange for more frequent meet-ups, they never seem to make themselves available. It’s easy to be annoyed with your parents because your ideal is to meet every week. But if you let go of the ideal (see previous point) and appreciate what they can offer you in their current capacity (which is to meet once a month only), you place much less tension on the relationship.

For me, I used to be frustrated at how my parents can’t fulfill my need to share and relate. I would ask them about themselves, and they would clam up. After I realized it was just not in their natural disposition to talk about themselves or their feelings, I realized I was being selfish by imposing my needs on them. With that, I learned to let go of this expectation, and instead have learned to appreciate what they can offer.

For example, my dad cooks, so back when I was in Singapore, I would eat out less often so he could cook for me. My mom is a meticulous housemaker and she prides herself at keeping herself up to speed with the needs of the household. Hence, I would let her know if I want any groceries/vegetables/fruits so she could get them. Doing so made her happy, because it was her way of making a difference in my life. I was perfectly fine with cooking for myself or getting my own groceries, but because I knew they wanted to be a part of my life, I created the space for them to do so.

Understand what you are looking for underneath the ideal

The parent-child ideal we create in our mind is usually a projection of something. Our desire to achieve the ideal represents an underlying need that yearns to be fulfilled. The sooner you can identify what you’re looking underneath the ideal, the sooner you can tackle that, as opposed to using the ideal as a proxy of achieving the need, because one may not equate to another.

Let me give an example. A while back, I worked with a client who wanted her dad to be a strong mentor figure. For her dad had always been busy with his work, and was often out of the picture in her life. She felt she lacked a strong father figure. Because of that, she would seek older, fatherly figures to get guidance – be it in her professors, in her bosses, or in her pastors.

Despite all the guidance she received, she still longed for her dad to step in as her mentor.

Was the problem because she lacked guidance? No, it wasn’t. She had more smart, highly capable and successful figures giving her support and advice than anyone else. In fact, many people I know don’t have a mentor, and they do perfectly well. Not only that, she is an incredibly smart and talented person. She is perfectly capable of guiding herself and solving her problems.

Truth is, she longed for her dad to be her mentor figure because she associated mentorship as love. To her, love meant being watched over, getting guidance and advice, being cared for, and so on. Even though her dad would talk to her occasionally, ferry her to work, was a part of family dinners, and spent time with the family when he was not working, these did not register as love to her.

Mentorship, on the other hand, did.

How about you? What is your ideal for your relationship with your parents?

If you look underneath this ideal, what is it you’re looking for?

Is achieving this ideal indicative of that need being met? Or is it just in your head?

In the past, I wanted my parents to be my best friends because I saw open communication and relating to one another as love. Hence, I went out of the way to bridge our communication gap. I tried to talk to them where I could. I would ask them questions about their day, how their work went, their future plans, etc.

If they reciprocated, that meant they loved me; if they didn’t, it meant they didn’t care.

At least that was what I thought.

Yet I was looking in the wrong place the whole time. For even though they didn’t reciprocate, it was because open communication was not their language of love (see below on “Language of Love”). They had been trying to show me they love me all this while, through their actions (as I shared in Part-3: Revelations and Happiness). They had been trying so hard to express their love, but I had not been able to see it because I had been so blind-sided – so fixated on that one ideal, on that one expression of love.

If you’re reading PE, we’re probably similar in that you enjoy relating to others and having earnest, meaningful conversations. Chances are you would like to have deep conversations with your parents, beyond superficial chats. Chances are you want to hug and say “I love you” to your parents, if you’re not already doing so. Chances are you want to be emotionally closer to them. But for some reason, it’s not happening today.

If it helps, the reason why your parents aren’t doing that isn’t necessarily because they don’t love you. It’s probably because they’re not equipped in those “languages” of expression – be it sharing of emotions, open communication, physical hugging, or directly saying “I love you”. It’s just not how they express themselves to the world.

However, they would have their way of expressing love. Maybe it’s via disapproving of our decisions in life, because they are just too afraid we’ll suffer when we stray from the main path. Maybe it’s via constant worrying, because they don’t want to see us get hurt. Maybe it’s via nagging, because they want to make sure everything goes well for us. Maybe it’s via their fixation with work, because doing well at work means financial security, which means the family is well cared for.

Clearly, whether your parents love you or not is not contingent upon whether they fulfill your ideal. The ideal is just some image we painted up in our minds. Achieving it doesn’t mean anything, to be honest.

Chances are, what you’re seeking with your ideal (be it love from your parents, acceptance by your parents, self-validation, affirmation, etc) is already right there before you, before your very eyes. Don’t fixate yourself so much with your ideal that you miss the very thing you’re looking for – only to see it when it’s too late. The moment you release yourself of this ideal is when the healing between you and your parents begin.

Think about how you can be a better child to them

A lot of times we pinpoint faults in our parents, wondering why they can’t be smarter/richer/more open-minded/less stubborn/more positive/less naggy/quieter/more supportive/etc.

Instead of that, try a different tack – think about how you can be a better child to them.

So, how can you be a better child to your parents?

Start by being sensitive to their needs. Speak to them in their language of love (see next point). Don’t make things difficult for them. Let them have their way if it’s not a life or death situation. Pre-empt things they need help in (usually technology-related stuff if your parents are not tech-savvy), as parents can be quite unwilling to ask for help unless they’re pushed to the wall. Visit them often (if you don’t live with your parents). Take them out for a meal – make it a weekly or biweekly occasion if possible. Give them a call just so they know you’re thinking of them right now.

In being a better child to them, note it’s not about molding yourself to become their ideal of what a son/daughter should be (assuming they have an ideal). You want to stay true to yourself and improve how you treat your parents in your own way.

Speak to them in their language of love

Language of love refers to the way someone expresses love. Different people have different ways of expressing love – some via physical touch, via words, via actions, etc. In the book 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman states the 5 key love languages people use are: (1) Words of affirmation (2) Quality time (spent together) (3) Receiving gifts (4) Acts of service (5) Physical touch.

Being brought up in a different generation, it’s not surprising to know our language of love is likely different from our parents’. For example, my parents express their love via acts of service. They like to do things for me. For me, I express love via giving words of affirmation. I also use other ways to express my love, but verbal communication is the primary method I use. (And hence why I’m always telling all of you how much I love you via my Facebook and the blog. )

This difference created a big rift between us at the beginning. I would try to communicate with them, but get nothing in return. In turn, they kept trying to do things like buy food for me and cook for me, but I would get frustrated with their obsession with food (some of which you may have read about in the fasting series). It wasn’t until I recognized their underlying intentions that things changed.

What do you think represents love to your parents? Rather than “speak” to your parents in your language of love, speak to them in their language of love. This means if their language of love is quality time together, then spend more time with them. If their language of love is receiving gifts, then buy a small gift that means something to both of you. If their language of love is words of affirmation, give them a compliment and/or tell them I love you. They will be able to recognize your intentions more easily that way, and accept them more readily.

Do that every day, with every opportunity you have. Don’t stop doing that.

Don’t coerce them into accepting a language they cannot recognize. An example would be to insist on hugging them when they’re clearly uncomfortable with the idea. While you may have the best intentions, you are just imposing your beliefs onto them. Again, learn to “speak” to them in their language, not in your language. You’ll get much better and faster results this way.

Start from existing channels that are already open

If your relationship with your parents is very sour, start from the channels that are already open.

For example, what are the points of contact between you and your parents today? Monthly family dinners? Occasional email exchanges? Sporadic phone calls? Start from there. And work your way up.

My relationship with my parents went downhill during my preadolescent years. Countless arguments, doors slammed in faces mid-way during our verbal fights, shouting, yelling at each other, etc. Because of that, by the time I tried to improve the relationship (when I was 24 or so – 2-3 years ago), many doors between us had been shut close.

This was why when I tried to start our relationship on a fresh slate, I faced an immense amount of resistance. Whenever I tried to engage them in a conversation, I was “slapped” with a huge wave of negativity – particularly from my mom, who has a very “hard” personality. Conversation was clearly a “closed” channel due to nasty experiences we had in the past.

I figured that it was easier to start from existing channels. For example, occasionally my parents would ask me for help in reading their English snail mail (which they can’t understand). In the past, I found it burdensome and would push their requests to later in the evening. But then I realized these requests probably meant a lot to my parents, so I became more helpful and patient whenever they sought my help.

Another example is when my parents ask me what I want to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, as part of a daily routine. In the past, I would just say “Nothing” or “I’ve already eaten”, since I make my own meals (or eat out). After a while, I realized meal preparation is one of the few things my parents can do for me today, so I began to leave my daily meals in their hands. They readily soaked in these opportunities too, which they saw as a way of being a part in my life.

As for my parents’ general lack of desire to communicate verbally, I decided that if we can’t speak much, then at least I can spend more time with them. So during the evenings, I would join my dad to watch TV. I don’t watch TV myself and I don’t care a lot about the TV shows, but to me these 30-45 minutes spent with my dad (and sometimes my mom joins in as well) is well worth the investment of time.

With these existing channels established, it became easier for us to add new layers to our relationship. For example, after they became involved in preparing my daily meals, it created the platform for us to talk, since we had to discuss what I wanted to eat. From there, it provided the opening for us to talk about other things.

I also took the step further by buying cakes for my mom and dad during Mother’s Day and Father’s Day this year, something that’s not a practice in my family as my parents are strongly against such expenditures (they see them as a waste of money). While they didn’t overtly say anything (my dad did say thanks, and even took a picture of the cake with his phone), I know they’re touched by the gesture.

And when I left for Europe this year (2011), I allowed my dad to send me off at the airport. Normally I would reject his request (or anyone’s for that matter) to send me off, because I see it as unnecessary and a total waste of the person’s time. Plus I like to be alone when I’m at the airport – I enjoy the quiet time by myself before I depart for another destination. But I realized it’s his way of showing his love for me (see point above on “Language of Love”), so I accepted his offer.

At the moment I’m in Germany, Cologne (as of Jul 23 ’11), and I stay in touch with my parents via Skype calls (a huge step forward for us considering we could never hold a conversation longer than 20 seconds in the past). Our relationship has progressed to where it is today via building up from pieces left between us, after many years of verbal fighting.

Likewise, no matter how dire your relationship is with your parents today, there are openings you can start off with. If there aren’t (i.e. your connection with your parent(s) has been severed), try the last mode of communication – where you guys left off. Then work from there.

In Conclusion

This has been a long series and I hope you have found it helpful in working on your relationship with your parents.

No matter how the state of your relationship with your parents is today, trust that it can become better – if you want to make it better.

For a long while, I had totally given up hope on my relationship with my parents. I thought it was irreparable, and whatever was done could never be reversed.

But as you’ve clearly seen, this isn’t true. Through a change in thinking and conscious effort, our relationship has improved quite dramatically in the past couple of years. And words can’t express how happy I am about that.

Thank you for all your wonderful comments, support, and open sharing in the first 3 parts. If you found the series helpful in any way, please share it on Facebook and Twitter (via the share buttons below). The more people who get to access this resource, the more lives we get to change around the world. Let’s work together to make the world a more beautiful place.

Last but not least, if you’re not on my Facebook page, consider joining in! I’d love to connect with you on a more personal level there. I’ve been sharing a lot of my Europe trip, daily updates, daily pictures and passing thoughts on the page. It’s been fun conversing with all of you and getting preliminary insights on the new things I’m working on.

This is the last part of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

Images © Shutterstock

How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 3: Revelation and Happiness

Celes — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 11:09:45 +0000

This is part-3 of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

There was a point when I contemplated not growing at all, to take a step away from pursuing my visions in life, and to go for a “normal” or “routine-based” life, just so the chasm between me and my parents would stop widening.

Growing Up as One

For it is when I was a little girl when my parents and I were the closest. We would go out at least once a week, as a family – be it to the Bird Park, Crocodile Farm, the Zoo, Chinese Garden, IMM (a mega-mart), Fantasy Island (in Sentosa), and the like. We would also go out for family dinners 1-2 times a week.

Then during the weekdays, while my dad was working, my mom would bring me and my brother out, be it to the local market, to run errands, to do some shopping, and so on. Sometimes we would even go out with my aunt, my older cousin, and my grandmother.

During this period, our world was one and the same. My parents played an active role in creating my reality as I knew it. They were with me every step of the way. Every time I came across something new, they were either the ones who ushered it in, or they would be there to educate me about it.

Divergence

Then slowly, things changed.

As I officially started school, a large chunk of my time became occupied with it. Suddenly, there was this other part of my life that did not involve my parents. I formed new bonds with classmates and teachers. I was busy with school activities that did not involve my parents. The school inculcated me with knowledge and teachings that my parents could relate little to. While I was able to discuss my school work with them while I was in lower primary, this stopped being the case in upper primary – the syllabus was outside of their realm.

This marked the start when we drifted away from each other.

Then as I entered secondary school (and later junior college, then university), we grew further and further apart. It seemed the more I ventured on my path and grew as an individual, the more dissimilar my parents and I became. For every new thing I learned was something outside of my parents’ universe. There was barely anything we could relate to one another anymore.

Instead of becoming the best friends I hoped we could become, we had become no more than just strangers, living in the same house, under the same roof.

Revelations

At first, it felt like a conundrum. Should I continue to grow, but face the inevitable consequence of growing further away from my parents? Or should I stop growing and try to salvage as many of the gaps that were between me and my parents? But not growing would be to deny myself and I would never be able to live with that.

I felt a deep internal conflict. It was clear that I could never turn my back on my life purpose, which is to grow. As it would turn out, I eventually came to several revelations (about 1.5 months ago) that helped me realize that the conundrum never existed at all – and that my relationship with my parents has been the best it could ever be all along.

The ideal that is not the ideal; the non-ideal that has been the ideal all along

As I reminisced about not being able to ever attain the ideal relationship with my parents in this lifetime, I began to reflect about the situation.

Why is it so important that pa and ma must be my best friends?
- Because then it means we’ll finally be able to connect with one another.
Why is this important?
- Because that means we’re in the best relationship we can be ever be with each other.
Why is it important that we’re in the best relationship possible?
- Because that means we truly love one another.
So does it mean that we don’t love each other today then?
- No, of course not – that’s ridiculous. We’ve always loved each other since the beginning.

Suddenly, I had a bizarre, weird a-ha moment where everything just clicked. The reality as I knew it melted away, and rebuilt itself almost immediately – into something that was essentially the same, but fundamentally different at the same time. A layer of fog lifted before me. Everything became crystal clear all of a sudden.

Truth is, I had always sought out the ideal parent-child relationship with my parents because I saw it the epitome of love between a parent and child. When I couldn’t achieve it, I subconsciously interpreted that as my parents not loving me.

But the thing is, my parents have always loved me since young, as all parents love their children before they are even born. From since I was born, they have relentlessly showered me with love. They would buy me everything I wanted, within all their means. They would always make sure I was well fed and well clothed. They worked incredibly hard to earn money for the family, and to fund my education. They doted me as the baby of the family. They never once complained about having to take care of me nor my brother, but instead did everything in their power to make me (us) the happiest kids we could ever be.

Even today, they continue to express their love for me every day. For example, when my mom rushes back home every day, after work, to cook and do the laundry. When my mom worries about grocery shopping and household supplies. When my mom rejects the idea of going out on family meals (because it’d jeopardize the routines of other people in the family). When my dad asks me if I have eaten for the day. When my dad asks me if I want him to cook anything for me. When my parents go to work every day, to maintain the family.

I had been unable to “see” all of this because I had been so hung up on that one ideal, that one vision, which was merely just one of the many expressions of love from one to another.

Suddenly, I couldn’t help but burst into a big smile. This had been such a silly mind warp I had been living in! To think that my parents have been trying to express their love 110% to me all this while, in their own way, in their own language (of love), but I did not catch hold of that. To think that I’d been experiencing anguish all this while for no reason. To think that I’d been looking to build love between me and my parents so desperately, so hopelessly, when it is right there before me all this while. I had caged myself in a world of pain, when there has been no pain all along.

I felt like I was living in a dream before, and now I have finally woken up. I finally saw the love that my parents had been trying to shower me all this while, and the love they continue to shower to me today, for what it is.

At this moment, I finally felt peace in this area of my life which I had been struggling with all this while. I realized the ideal I had fixated myself with was never my ideal. It was merely an arbitrary ideal crafted out by the media, something I saw on TV – nothing more, nothing less. There’s nothing wrong with this ideal – It may well be the parent-child ideal for some parents and children, but not for me and my parents. My ideal with my parents is in reality what we have today, between us. It has always been the perfect relationship I’ve been looking for and I can’t imagine it being any other way.

And with this realization, my relationship with my parents – something which I’d usually rate as 1/10 on my life wheel – became a full 10/10 instantaneously.

Releasing pressure on the parent-child relationship

Right on the heel of this revelation, I realized that I had put a lot of pressure on my relationship with my parents – pressure which prevented the relationship from coming into its own.

For example, in my ideal vision, my parents would be my best friends. I would be able to share anything and everything with them. They would be able to understand what I say. They would be able to relate to everything in my life. We would be able to discuss important life decisions. We would have an unspoken camaraderie. We would hug each other whenever we want. “I love you” would be common words in our everyday vocabulary. We would have lots of long, reflective, philosophical discussions. We would be going on family outings every so often. And that’s just the tip of the ice berg.

Looking at these expectations, I realized I had hinged so much on this one relationship I have with my parents. For my parents to be my parents, my best friends, my mentors, my confidantes, my emotional anchors, all in one – all these are heavy roles for anyone to play. I had literally, created impossible shoes for my parents – or any parent, for that matter – to fill! It was a vision that no one could uphold to begin with.

I began to question these expectations, one by one.

Why do I have these expectations of pa and ma?
- Because these are my emotional and relationship needs. I love to connect with others and to build deep, meaningful, emotional connections with others. Connecting with others make me feel alive.
What happens if I don’t fulfill these needs?
- Life will be quite empty and meaningless.
Are these needs of mine not being fulfilled at the moment?
- No, not really actually. I have my best friends who are the best confidantes I can ever have. I have my readers whom I can share anything and everything with. I have business associates whom I can discuss work-related topics with. I have coaching clients who connect with me on the deepest, most personal level. I am continuously making new friends who inject new colors and joy into my life.
Does it matter who is the person fulfilling a particular emotional need?
- No, it doesn’t. As long as all my needs are met, I can’t be happier. I can’t ask for more.
If that’s the case, does it matter whether pa and ma fulfill my emotional and relationship needs?
- No – actually it doesn’t.

With this, I realized how unnecessary my expectations had been. There was never really a need for my parents to fulfill my X and Y needs. There are all these people out there, all these relationships I’m in, which can help me fulfill my emotional needs perfectly well. By insisting my parents fulfill my emotional needs when its not in their desire or capacity to do so, I had created a mold which boxed in our relationship and prevented it from becoming anything it could be.

Rather than create a mold for this relationship, or any relationship for that matter, I realized I should let the relationship come into its own. Rather than expect my dad/mom to do certain things or perform certain roles, I should just appreciate and enjoy whatever they can/want to give to the relationship, in their own space and capacity.

By removing this mold, suddenly a space is created for the relationship to develop. I didn’t know this before, but my narrow expectations had ironically prevented the relationship from growing. Just like when you press down on a seedling – it can never blossom. With this, I finally saw my relationship with my parents as it is for the first time – a beautiful bond that has been bearing beautiful fruits of love all this while.

Finally, viewing the relationship from their perspective

My final revelation came when I adopted a new perspective on the situation.

All this while, I wanted my relationship with my parents to conform a certain image. When they were not able to fulfill that, I was disappointed. As you have read in parts 1 and 2, I wondered why my parents couldn’t open up to me. Why they resisted my attempts to know them better. Why they couldn’t make an effort to have family meals/dinners. Why they pushed away my attempts to arrange family outings, including vacations.

Seeing as to how I had not been able to resolve the situation all this while, I tried a different approach – I stepped out of my shoes to view the situation from their perspective instead. The realization was jarring.

For in my one-tracked mind to get my parents to fit my parental ideal, I had not stopped to think whether I myself fit their ideal for a daughter to begin with.

Fact is, if I am to hypothesize a typical ideal a parent would have for a daughter, I’m none of that. None of that at all.

I’m rude, obnoxious, rebellious, critical. I lose my temper at my parents all the time. I barely ever take time out to be with them – Instead, I’m always busy with work and my life. I’m never happy with my parents even though they try so hard to be the best parents to me. I’m unfilial. I do non-conformist actions like quit a proper, well paying job in the corporate world, which leaves my parents worried about my career success (even though I was not worried and had told them that everything would be fine). I keep pushing them to do things which they are obviously not interested nor comfortable in doing, such as suggest family vacations, ask them personal questions, hugging them (which is not their language of love), and so on. I do things like go to Europe on an extended trip, an action which inevitably leaves them worried regardless of the whatever reassurances I give. I had my ideal for the parent-child relationship – but I never considered if it was their ideal too. It clearly wasn’t – else we would never have had the resistances in the first place.

In short, I absolutely suck as a daughter. I’m probably the worst daughter any parent can ever have. Hence, who am I then, to even demand or expect them to fulfill anything? It is not in my place to do that at all.

On the contrary, my parents have never demanded or expected me to fulfill anything as their daughter. They have always given me my space to grow and come into my own. They have never judged me for what I have done or haven’t done as their daughter. They’ve never rejected me in any way, even if I may not fulfill the role of a typical daughter. I have been so selfish all this while, and them – so graciously forgiving.

Rather than expect them to fulfill anything, it suddenly became clear to me that I should first work on becoming a better daughter. For it’s something I’ve never thought about since I was born. It was well time for me to fulfill my role of being a good daughter to them.

Putting Everything Together

All-in-all, the struggles I had experienced in my relationship with my parents in the past 15 years had been in my mind. Because I had been wrapped up in that one ideal as the expression of love, I had suffocated our relationship and prevented it from growing. My internal struggle in turn manifested itself outward – I would face resistances in my efforts to improve our relationship, simply because the efforts came from a misaligned place to begin with.

Today, I can’t be happier about my relationship with my parents. I respect the space they have given me to grow and become who I am today, while I do my best to be a good daughter to them. While I may be in Europe now (as of Jul ’11), I call back once every few weeks to check back on how they are doing – the way they want me to. We are able to talk normally, without anyone losing temper or snapping. We are able to express concern for each other openly, without feeling weirded out by it.

And guess what? We’re actually closest today than we’ve ever been since I was a kid. I would never have imagined our relationship reaching such a healthy state in this lifetime.

The funny thing is, the trigger point for this change didn’t come from the external reality. It came from an internal shift in how I perceived things. This in turn rippled out into positive changes in the external world.

If you’re experiencing a struggle with your relationship with your parents/children today, that’s very likely to do with how you’ve been perceiving the relationship all along, and a sign for you to reexamine how you’ve been looking at it.

As I grow in life, I realize many of the seeming “struggles” we face in our world are a reflection of the inner workings in our mind. When we get an alignment of our internal issues, our external problems will naturally fade away.

Is it then about forcing, coaxing ourselves to make-do with what we have then? No, of course not. As you’ve read above, nowhere did I try to convince myself into accepting with the status quo. It was from sorting out my warped perceptions that I realized my relationship with my parents was actually perfect all this while – thereby finally gaining peace and resolution in long standing issue in my life.

In part-4 of this series, I’ll share a guide, together with my personal learnings, on how you can go about working on your relationship with your parents. If your relationship with your parents is not the 10/10 you wish for (yet), you’ll find the guide to be helpful. Stay tuned for it. It won’t be up so soon as I’m currently traveling in Germany, but I anticipate it’ll be up sometime in the next week.

Update Jul 23 ’10: The article is now up: How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

I’d also like to thank all of you for your wonderful comments so far on this series. I want to let you know that I do read all the comments, though I may not be able to reply to every single one of them.

By now, I regard all of you readers as my guardian angels in life – you give me the wings to fly and I draw strength from all of you in everything I do. The kind of connection we share is something that others can never understand, I think. You are the reason why I continue to write and share openly at the blog every day. Thank you for always reading and relentlessly sharing your support – I really appreciate it. I’m glad to have all of you with me as I journey through life, and I’m glad you have decided to let me be a part of your growth journey too.

This is part-3 of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

Images © Shutterstock

How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap

Celes — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 13:02:46 +0000

This is part-2 of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

Resignation

For a long time, I resigned that I would never have the kind of parental-bond I was looking for – at least not in this lifetime. Perhaps I would get them via my future parent-in-laws (whoever they may be and if I ever get married), but not with my parents. I resigned that this was a wish that would only get fulfilled in another life, in another time.

I tried to rationalize it, by telling myself that the kind of family bonds I see on television were unreal. That they were idealized, and not representative of real life. I also told myself maybe they were more typical in the western culture, and not a norm over here in Asia.

But all these rationalizations would prove themselves to be acts of self-denial, especially when I looked outward to my friends’ relationships with their parents.

For example, my friends would talk normally with their parents. They were able to discuss upcoming life decisions together. They might not hug their parents and say “I love you” to them, but they were able to communicate with one another, compared to the dysfunctional way my parents and I communicated with each other.

My friends would have family lunch/dinners. There would be weekday/weekend afternoons/nights when they were unavailable to hang out in social gatherings, because they had to be home to eat with their parents (and siblings).

My friends had no problems engaging in conversations with their parents, be it over the phone or in person. And the conversations would be calm, civilized, and amicable, where no one would snap, shout or yell in anger; neither would anyone be rolling his/her eyes at anyone else.

Some of my friends would go on vacation trips with their parents, from weekend get-aways to neighboring countries, to week-long vacations in new countries. They would take photos together, as one happy family. Those happy moments together would be etched forever onto the photographs.

Some of my friends would sometimes take a hiatus from social meet-ups, because they wanted to spend more time with their parent(s) who have been away from home for a while.

An Incident

The time when reality sunk in the hardest for me was when I was in junior college.

It was during Meet the Parents Day, an annual school event where all students had to bring their parents to meet the teachers and teachers would share a progress update of how each student was doing to his/her parent.

On that day, my dad was with me in school to see my form teacher. After my teacher was done speaking to us, my dad and I made our way out of the campus – in silence, as would normally be the case when we’re with each other.

At this point, I saw a fellow schoolmate, chatting away happily with her father. Both of them were walking around the campus, hand in hand. As they were doing that, my schoolmate affectionately linked her arm into her dad’s and leaned onto his shoulder, in a father-daughter way.

I only caught this for a few seconds from afar, but it etched a deep impression in me. When I saw this, I couldn’t help but feel taken aback. Suddenly, the realization that it was indeed possible to have a close relationship with one’s parent(s) hit me, hard – especially with it happening right there before me.

As if to jab salt into the wound, there my dad was, standing beside me. Both of us looked like 2 strangers standing in the same physical space, whereas my schoolmate and her dad were in front of us – in my opinion, the exemplification of the most perfect father-daughter relationship one could ever wish for.

The contrast was jarring. While I had thought all along that having the ideal parental relationship I seek was an impossibility, it was there in reality, unfolding before me.

I felt a wave of envy, followed by a sinking feeling of sadness inside me. For a moment there, I wished I was my schoolmate, and I had that relationship she had with her father. I wished things were different, and I had different parents. I wished I was in a different life. I wished I could start my life from scratch and restart my relationship with my parents. I wished I wasn’t me.

Hope and a Vigilant Effort

After I realized my idealized parent-child relationship did in fact exist in reality, and it was perhaps possible to create the relationship I want with my parents, I tried different things to improve our relationship.

I tried to be more patient with my parents.

I tried to spend more time with them.

I wrote a card, to my mom and dad each, to tell them how much I love them and how much I appreciate what they’ve done for me all my life.

I tried, at one point, to hug them.

I tried to initiate conversations with them, to ask them how they are doing, to know more about them, to understand them better.

I tried to arrange for family meals – be it lunch or dinners.

I tried to organize vacations, where all of us could get away as a family.

I constantly put in effort to nudge our relationship in a positive direction.

But each time, my actions would be met with resistance. For example, when I tried to hug my mom (a while back), she was taken aback, asked me what the h*** I was doing, and violently pushed me away, much to my shock.

When I tried to initiate conversations with them, it would be met with lackluster response. With simple questions like “How’s your day?” or “What are you doing now?”, my dad would respond with monosyllabic replies that didn’t allow the conversation to continue on. It was not because he was trying to be difficult, but because that is just the way he is – he’s not a talker. My mom would reply defensively, say that I was getting in her way/wasting her time, and the conversation would come to an abrupt end.

The times I tried to arrange family meals, be it lunch or dinner during weekdays/weekends, or even for special occasions like Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, my mom would say dismiss it as a pointless idea.

And then whenever I suggested going on family vacations, my parents would vehemently reject the idea. They saw it as a waste of money, even if I offered to pay for everything. It wasn’t about “forcing” or “making” the idea happen either – they just genuinely, honestly, have no interest in traveling abroad at all.

Emptiness… A Gap that Could Never Be Bridged

For a while, I couldn’t fathom how it was possible to have spent your whole life, literally, with someone, go through every single stage in life together (at least physically), and yet experience such immense difficulty in communicating with them.

For it seemed we had a gap between us that was unbridgeable.

For one, there was (still is) a language gap between us. My parents are well verse in Chinese and Hokkien (a Chinese dialect). Their preferred language of communication is Hokkien, followed by Chinese. However for me, I’m most comfortable with English. I can understand Hokkien, but I can’t speak it. I can speak in Chinese perfectly fine, but often times I switch back to English because it’s easier to express myself that way.

This, in itself, presented a fundamental barrier between us. Often times I would skip talking to them altogether because I didn’t know how to express my answers completely in Chinese. For example, till today my parents don’t know exactly what I studied in university, because I don’t know how to describe my course to them in Chinese. They don’t know what I did in my previous job in P&G, because I don’t know how to describe brand management in Chinese to them either. And neither do they know what I’m doing for my business today, because the concept of what I’m doing is lost when I try to describe it in Chinese. And believe me, I’ve tried to explain it before.

There also existed a generation gap. My parents are computer illiterate. They have no idea about the world of internet, blogging, social media, technology, computers, etc. On the other hand, internet and computers are integral parts of my life. My work is built around it; my life is built around it. Without the internet, my life will be completely different from how it is today. To try to describe what I do every day to them – it’s like talking about it to someone from a different world. The notion is lost on them.

There also existed a gap in our world views. A truly meaningful life to me is one where we’re our highest selves; where we pursue what we want to do, where we achieve our goals and dreams; where we self-realize. Personal growth is why I live and what I live for. But for my parents, their notions on what makes a fulfilling life is totally different. Routines are what they want to live in. They see no point in moving out of their current life zones. Goals and dreams are not in their day-to-day vocabulary. Personal growth means little to them.

Even though they’ve been in my life since I was born, and I’ve been in their lives for the past 26 years I’ve been alive, it felt that we could not be more distant than any 2 people in the world. That even though we have lived under the same roof every day for the past 26 years, it had done nothing to draw us closer together as parents and child.

This gap showed no signs of closing as well. As I embarked on my growth and pursued my goals every day, I would grow and become a more different person than I was the day before. My world would keep evolving into something different from what my parents know of.

It would seem that our parent-child relationship would never be the kind that I envision as a child. It was a missing gap in me that would never be filled, up until I suddenly came to a revelation about our relationship 1.5 months ago.

Continue on to part-3, where I share how I eventually came to find peace in my relationship with my parents: Revelations and Happiness.

Quick note: Thanks everyone for your comments on the series! While I appreciate the words of advice or concern, this situation has long been resolved (else I wouldn’t be writing about it here publicly – it is not in my interest to write open-ended issues on PEB).

I’m in a perfectly happy relationship with my parents today, and my intention for writing the series is to share my journey of how I came to achieve this so readers undergoing the same situation can achieve the same result too – not to get advice, not to get pity/sympathy, not as recreational reading material, and certainly not to elicit shock. More in part-3 of the series.

I’d also appreciate it if readers can read the story from a understanding and non-judging perspective. It felt as if some had read selective paragraphs of the story and started making their judgments on my past and my character, which was somewhat uncalled for.

I’m a human and I try to share as much of my life as possible on Personal Excellence if it helps all of us to grow – I certainly don’t appreciate it when what I share here becomes used as fodder for criticism, case study analysis and judgement. Such mean-spirited thoughts are not welcome here. Thank you!

This is part-2 of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

Image ©: Family by Shutterstock; Clogs by merlijn

How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 1: A Child’s Wish

Celes — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 08:37:16 +0000

This is part-1 of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

Forenote

(Jul 12, ’11) – Some of you may have noticed that I’ve never written about my parents or my relationship with them. It’s not by intention; just that there’s never been a reason to write about it.

That is, until recently, as I start gaining resolution in new areas of my life. Today’s post marks the first post where I share in detail about this as-of-yet unknown side of my life.

I foresee this to be the first in many posts to come where I share more of the inner sides of my life. With PE, I want to create a common, safe space where every single one of us is free to openly discuss about our vulnerabilities, our deepest desires, our fears, and our passions, without judgment or discernment by anyone. I want all of us not to be afraid to say what we’re feeling on the inside.

Where others may see the sharing of one’s emotions and desires as being weak and vulnerable, I see this as a strength, because it is from our emotions that we draw our greatest power in life. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. To show our emotions, to be vulnerable, to open ourselves fully, without holding back, is the most beautiful thing we can ever do. I think it is by bearing yourself that you progress in your growth and become a stronger person. The more you open yourself up, the more you’ll grow.

I look forward to connecting with more of you in this journey of life ahead. Here’s to an extremely exciting journey ahead.

**Update regarding article commenting: Since it’s been fun having the reader exchange of comments in recent Holland series, I’ve decided to reopen comments (but only for 30 days for each article). This means you’re free to post any comments you want for new articles, as long as it’s within 30 days since the article is published. Comments will be closed after 30 days. So comment away!

How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents

Have you ever wished for a certain kind of relationship with your parents? Say, a relationship where they are strong mentors to you? A relationship where they are like your friends, on top of just being parents? A relationship that is deeper and closer than what you have today?

A Child’s Wish – A Deep Wish

One of my deepest wishes for my parents for a long time was for them to be my best friends. That beyond being parental figures to me, I could connect openly and emotionally with them, share all my deepest thoughts, fears and life passions, have meaningful discussions, and make decisions about my life together.

I think it took root from when I was growing up. Watching dramas and TV shows, Chinese and American ones alike, and witnessing the bonds the children had with their parents/family. Those really left me with a deep impression.

I remember watching Chinese drama serials, and thinking it was so heartwarming how the families would have dinners together at the dinner table every day, update each other on what was going on in their lives, discuss things on their mind with one another, and laugh and bond over their meals.

I remember watching Buffy (the Vampire Slayer), one of my favorite shows when I was younger, and thinking how nice it was that Buffy and her mom (Joyce) could talk the way they did. For example, Buffy’s mom (who was divorced) could talk to Buffy about her (Joyce’s) romantic dates openly. Buffy could share her secrets with her mom, as well as let her in on her circle of friends. They would have conversations – actual conversations about each other’s life. On top of being a mother/daughter to each other, they were close friends too.

I remember watching Charmed, and thinking it was so sweet the Halliwell sisters never failed to support each other, physically and emotionally. Each of them could rely on the others to be there when needed. They could discuss about their relationship woes, life dilemmas, work problems, etc with each other. Not only were they sisters, they were also best friends too.

I remember watching participants on reality shows like American Idol, Singapore Idol, The Bachelor, The Apprentice and the like, and feeling in awe whenever they cut to scenes of participants with their family. You could see the participants and their parents talk openly with one another, hug each other and express signs of care and concern for one another.

Disparity between Vision and Reality

Yet for some reason, my relationship with my parents for the past 15 years of my life was not that all.

In fact, it was the direct opposite. Looking back, I would classify my relationship with my parents as more dysfunctional than anything, and pretty much irreparable.

While normal families would have conversations, we wouldn’t do that. We would talk, and no sooner start snapping, yelling or screaming at each other – sometimes even with expletives. Many times my mom, who has the more abrasive personality between my dad, would snipe at me with some sarcastic comment, while I’d respond by rolling my eyes. It seemed like there was some serious generation gap; some deep chasm; some pervasive gap between us that was impossible to bridge with words.

While normal families would talk to one another at least once a day, I could go for months without ever talking to my parents, because there was nothing, in my opinion, to be communicated.

While normal families would have meals together at the dining table every evening, we wouldn’t do that. We would eat at different times, and where we see fit – usually the bedroom for me, the living room for my dad, the dining room for my mom, and for my brother not at all, as he would work late and buy his own dinner.

While normal families would talk about what’s going on in each other’s lives, we wouldn’t do that. Our conversations were limited to relaying functional needs, such as what to buy/eat for dinner, help with running errands, and the like. These would usually elicit mono-syllabic replies such as “Yes”, “No”, or “Maybe”, which would be where the communication ends.

We knew empirical facts about each other – like our birthdays, general life history, and so on, but in terms of our inner most thoughts, motivations in life, deepest desires, worries and concerns, greatest passions? No. My parents had no idea what was going on in my life, and neither would I know what was going on in their lives too.

While normal families would go out together on outings, at times even have vacations, we wouldn’t do that. We stopped going on family outings ever since I became 10 years old. The only time when we would go out together would be during Chinese New Year, because we were bounded by tradition to do so.

It would seem that there was a huge mismatch between my ideal vision for my parents, and the reality.

Sadness and an Unfulfilled Wish

It was actually quite sad for me for a while. I never talked about it with anyone, but deep down I always wished I had a more meaningful relationship than whatever I was having with my parents – if it could even be considered a relationship to begin with.

Like falling leaves that would become embedded in the bottom of forest undergrowth in the long-run, these unspoken feelings remained deep at the bottom of my heart, never articulated to anyone.

Our relationship felt purely functional – My dad was my dad, my mom was my mom, and both of them were my parents because they gave birth to me. That was it. Besides the obvious biological link, they have 110% fulfilled their base responsibilities as parents – They raised me, they kept me well fed and clothed, they put me through school, they funded for my expenses before I started earning money, and they inculcated good moral values in as a child. This I could never have asked for more in this regard.

But the emotional aspect of the relationship was missing. Deep down, I yearned for a emotional connection, one that transcended normal parent-child roles, and one that involved open communication, one where they were my best friends in the world whom I could share anything and everything with.

I wished I could tell them about my passions in life, and how I loved growing and helping others to grow.

I wished I could tell them how much I love them, and how they were the best parents I could ever have in this world.

I wished I could tell them all the big goals and dreams I had/I have, many of which involved being the best I could be, so that they would know I had applied every single thing they taught me.

I wished we could hug each other openly and freely, the way families who love and care for each other would.

I wished we could have a proper conversation, one that wouldn’t end with someone screaming or shouting.

I wished we could talk openly about everything under the sun, from me to them and from them to me, without feeling like we needed to hold back or hide anything from each other.

I wished I could let them know how well I am doing in my goals – how well I did in my studies and life (when I was studying), the awards I had won, how I was being selected to work in one of the best companies in the world (when I was in university), how I’m in the dream career of my life today, how prominent my work has become (online), so they would know I’m the best daughter they could ever have.

I wished I could tell them how they have done the best job they can ever do in raising me, and how I would never want to have any other parents but them.

For whenever I see my parents, I would feel there was so much I wanted to tell them, but all that would be stuck in my throat, unable to be expressed into words. And any attempts to express them would result in frustration with each other, unhappy arguments, and violent outburst of anger from one to another.

My wish as a child remained unfulfilled through my childhood years, past my teenage years, and into adulthood. In fact, if it was even possible, the chasm between my vision for my relationship with my parents and the reality would widen bigger and bigger as I grew older.

Read on in Part-2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap

This is part-1 of a series on parents and understanding our relationship with them.

10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Celes — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 04:36:22 +0000

This is the last part of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

© rebecca-lily

Note from Celes: As this series conclude, I’d like to thank all of you guys for your feedback. This series has generated the most discussion to date and I’m glad my experience has helped you gain insights. For myself, reading your responses and experiences have given me the invaluable opportunity to learn more about you.

Separately, the notable discussions this has generated has made me rethink the comments policy – whether to open them by default – so I’ll write a separate post to get your votes on these. Meanwhile, please enjoy the last part of this series.

Moving On Isn’t Easy

I’ll be honest with you. Moving on isn’t easy. If it wasn’t for the experience with G, I’d think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us. I mean, you want to move on? Just forget about the past! Get over it. Look onward to the future. Keep yourself busy with other things.

Uh-uh – Not so easy. While these do help in some way, I realized there is more than meets the eye. No matter how I tried to push away the past, the past hung there like a shroud, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and actions. I didn’t realize this until I came to the realizations which helped me let go. Ultimately, there were past baggages to clear and subconscious, erroneous beliefs to untangle before I could really move on. All these require an ability to think consciously and to maintain a level of objectivity, which is hard because such matters are usually linked to deep sorrows and injured pride.

Often, we think we have moved on but we haven’t. This was the case for me for the past few years. For the longest time, while I thought I had moved on, subconsciously I had not. Thinking you have moved on and having really moved on are two separate situations altogether. In the former, you continue to live under the shadow of that person or relationship without realizing it. You think you have been liberated but truth is you are still living in a mental prison as you keep thinking about the person and past memories. This prevents you from receiving new things in your life.

12 Signs To Tell If You Have Not Moved On

For you to move on, you have to first know whether you have moved on or not. Here are 12 signs to tell if you have not moved on:

When you think of the person more often than not.
When you think about him/her even though you don’t want to.
When you keep mentally reliving past memories with him/her, usually the happy/sweet ones.
When he/she comes to mind the first instant when you are down and out.
When you still have questions and resignations about the past. You wonder what could have been or why didn’t it turn out a certain way.
When you assign blame for the way things turned out, whether it’s to him/her, yourself or the circumstance.
When thought/sight of him/her trigger certain emotional reactions, such as aversion, anxiety, frustration, resignation.
When you keep trying to improve yourself because you feel you were not good enough (for him/her).
When you have a desire to spite him/her, as a way of making him/her regret for whatever happened.
When you often bring up the person in your conversations, even when there is no relation.
When you have a desire or urge to contact him/her even though you previously told yourself you didn’t want to.
When you find yourself living out the same looping patterns. A very common example would be on-again, off-again relationships with that person. Or a lingering state of relationship that doesn’t get anywhere. Even if you are with other people, if the relationships act out in the same pattern as the past, it reflects you have not moved on. There’s a part of you entrenched in the past which is making the same situation reenact itself, just with a different person.

Moving On Takes Time

The moving on process will take time, probably longer than you might think. I’m talking about being fully cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars from the incident, not just moving on on a surface level.

It took me 4 whole years before I was able to fully release myself from G’s shadow and our pseudo relationship. There were many times when I came to a new revelation and thought I had thus moved on, only to realize afterward there was more inner baggage to be cleared. This didn’t mean I wasn’t making progress before; it just meant the emotional wound was deeper than I thought.

In these 4 years, there was a truckload of baggage cleared. To be honest, it really shocked me to know the amount of baggage that was stored inside me all this while, despite actively living consciously. For one, it affirmed the journey of conscious growth never ends – it’s an ongoing one. Two, to have so much baggage created from a relatively short period of time (we first parted ways 1.5 years of knowing each other) showed a lot of mental baggage is pretty much self-created. It’s compounded by our projections of people, assumptions of situations, expectations of how relationships should be, etc.

If you are still holding on to what could have been, it’s time to release yourself. No more mental torture or mental inhibitions. No more holding yourself back for something that cannot come to pass.

Depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on. Think of it as a journey, rather than a binary Yes/No checkpoint. Whatever you do, you will definitely be making progress every step along the way. Be it bitter or sweet, each time you are clearing baggage, bit by bit. Each step is an act of healing in itself.

10 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Here are my personal 10 steps to help you in this healing journey.

1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.

With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage you’d have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.

Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. It’s natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Don’t block them away. Embrace them and accept them.

Don’t bottle them in, because as we all know they will explode in the future when least expected. You might have heard of people who claim to have moved on by shutting off / avoiding their emotions altogether. They may feel like they have moved on, but what’s really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn’t cause any immediate reaction. It’s like having a cut that is healed on the surface, but still has impurities underneath the scar. To complete the cleansing process, all the dirt has to be cleansed. To do so you need to first acknowledge and accept your feelings.

© rebecca-lily

As you connect with these emotions, slowly let them go. Feel them, understand the source, then release them. Some suggestions would be to talk to a good friend, journaling or meditation. Sleeping helps to clear mental baggage too – but just be conscious that you don’t turn to sleep as a source of escapism.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you.

A large portion why you can’t move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as “the one” for you. You just can’t see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a “some day” which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections – both on you and of him/her.

One thing I’ve realized is that if the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isn’t there, then anything else can come forth as a “reason” for not being together.

If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isn’t the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isn’t meant to be. Because ultimately, it’s not about the right place or right timing. It’s about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. That’s why it’s called the right person.

3. Share with your close friends.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.

4. Reduce contact with him/her.

In the healing process of a wound, the initial healing period will be the most delicate. During this time, you wouldn’t want anything to come near and agitate the wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, you might need to reduce contact with this person away at the beginning, if it helps you to heal / move on faster.

There are three possible situations where you’d have to do so.

If you feel you can’t move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.
If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.
If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that were more romantic or platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.

I had to reduce contact with G because his actions toward me made it hard for me to move on. A part of me kept seeing him as an ideal guy, while on the other hand he was treating me in this special way that was ambiguous. Reducing contact made it much easy for me to gain clarity on the situation, that what we had was a friendship and there was nothing more than that.

5. Seek closure with him/her.

At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and emotions pent up. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldn’t things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.

Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.

At the end, you will find it’s really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. It’s like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.

Some of you may ask – What if he/she avoids the issue or doesn’t answer the question(s)? If that’s the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want – irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted – but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she can’t even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.

6. Forgive him/her.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves. It makes sense doesn’t it? When you feel angry/bitter towards someone, it’s not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. It’s you. For what it’s worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling towards him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.

Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. It’s like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. I’m sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You can’t get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.

To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.

7. Doing Things You Love.

© rebecca-lily

Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, don’t linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.

8. Meeting new people.

It’s easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Don’t get cooped up in your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.

9. Knowing there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her.

It’s easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the “right” or ‘wrong” traits to embody, just different expectations. If you don’t embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys aren’t the right match. That’s all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just aren’t suited for each other.

10. Recognize there is someone out there for you.

It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but it’s true. Heck, I’m 25 (as of 2010), single all these years, met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe there’s someone out there for me! There’s no reason why you shouldn’t think so! I don’t care how many relationships you’ve been in the past, how many wrong men/women you’ve been with, or whether you’ve never been in any real relationships. (I haven’t). There is someone out there for you. You’re definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think you’re the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.

I know how hard it can be to find the special someone. Ack, I was having an interview with CNN last Tuesday, on my blog and the topic of bucket lists. We began to talk about my bucket list, and the interviewer asked me the item I thought would be the hardest to achieve. Without a doubt, I told her it was finding my special someone. Over and beyond any of the items on my list, such as setting up TSOPE, creating my talkshow, hitting best sellers, etc. But hey, you know what? Difficult it may be, I’m sure it’ll be all worth it when it happens

If you have already found your partner, congratulations! Please treasure him/her, because lord knows us singles have such a hard time finding our soulmate! If you haven’t, know that you are not alone. Even if you have absolutely no single friends (which I find hard to believe), you know me and I’m single, so you can’t claim you don’t have any single friends!

There is someone out there for you. I’m as convicted of this for myself as much as I am for you. Just because you are single now doesn’t mean you will remain forever single. It just means you have not found the right person. Meanwhile, focus on living your best life in your definitions. Most importantly, remember that your life doesn’t and shouldn’t hinge on having a special partner or not. We are complete by ourselves and relationships should not be there to complete us.

How To Know When You Have Moved On

Quite simply, if none of the 12 signs above apply to you, that means you have moved on. Once you do, a life of new beginnings and opportunities await you on the other side. Almost automatically, new things will start flowing into your life.

Final Thoughts

Today as I look back, it has truly been a long, long healing process. Today, I’m finally at peace with myself. I no longer beat myself up or think myself as not good enough when it comes to love and relationships. I don’t have the same trepidation, confusion, bittersweet emotions, hatred or frustration when I think/talk about G. I’m thankful for having crossed paths with G and gaining this experience. I believe all of us enter into each others’ lives for a reason. This experience has helped me become a better person. I’m happy for him and what he has done/achieved for himself,and I hope he is as happy in his life as I am now.

As I mentioned in the start of this series, I have written this with the intention to help others move on from whatever they may be holding back on. We can have pain and sadness from an experience, but there’s always a way out. It’s up to us on whether we want to swirl around in the past or move to a better place. We always have a choice. It’s easy to choose the former. It takes courage to take the latter step. But I assure you it’s worth it.

When I was writing this series, I was singly focused on connecting with like-souls out there and helping them move on from whatever they are entrenched in. As I write this, I can say this series achieved more than I have aimed to. After posting it, I’ve received many heartfelt messages from individuals on how the series has helped them. Many are grateful to know that they aren’t the only ones out there who have experienced / are experiencing such a situation. Some realized they need to move on from a relationship which isn’t working. Some gained strength in moving on from past wounds. There’s a separate group, singles, who told me that the series helped them gain insights on why they are not together with someone. I didn’t have the last objective in mind when I first wrote this series, but I’m certainly glad the sharing benefited them too.

I realized that heartfelt sharing of my personal experiences is key to connecting with you guys, so I’ll continue to do that in the future. However, there is going to be tricky, especially as sharing of my personal experiences will sometimes include sharing about other people in my life. So far, K and G are the only individuals I’ve written about in detail on my blog. Based on what I know of K and G, they wouldn’t mind me writing about the stories, if it helps people move to a better place. (Something which I’ve later confirmed with K too).

However, as I continue writing as a blogger, sharing more stories, there will be a time when other people come into the picture. The question then rises – Am I intruding on others’ private spaces by writing about them, even if it may be for the purest intent? There are also other implications, as I realized there are more people reading my blog than I realize – people who know me and may know the people I’m writing about.

To be honest, I don’t have the answer to this question yet. After 1 year of writing at my blog, I’ve realized sharing my stories is definitely the best way to relate to all of you, so I doubt I’ll stop doing it. Authors, other bloggers, and musicians also write from their personal stories. What I can do is to write with the purest intent to help others, ensure it accurately represents the truth as I understand, and doesn’t cause malicious harm to anyone. Again I don’t have the final answer to it. It’ll be a work-in-progress situation; one which I evaluate as I go along the way. Meanwhile I will continue to do my best for you guys and for me.

To all of you guys – whether you have been a silent reader, commenter, or have connected with me before, I thank you for supporting me, silently or not, all this while in my journey. This is only the start of everything. I can only imagine what’s ahead will be full of unexpected surprises, challenges and excitement. I’m scared, a little apprehensive, somewhat calm, but at the same time very eager and excited to see them unfold. I can’t wait to experience it with all of you.

This is last part of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

Check out the other articles in People & Relationship series:

Articles in Dealing with People series:

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How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On

Celes — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:21:16 +0000

This is part-3 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

Note from Celes: Hey guys! Thanks so much for your beautiful comments, emails and private messages the past few days regarding parts 1 and 2 of the series. Every single one of your messages has brought a warm smile to my face. Due to requests from some readers, I’ve opened up the comments section for this post. Feel free to drop a comment after you’ve finished reading part-3. I’d love to know your thoughts on this new series.

My Journey in Moving On

© Muffet

Thinking About Him

After we parted ways, I focused on living my life. Staying away from G made it easier to move on. No more confusing signals to throw me off track. No more mind games. No more ambiguity. While I was hurt on the inside, at least now I could focus on the path of recovery rather than be left hanging in the middle of no man’s land. I was sad and disappointed that G was not the one, but I remained hopeful that my special someone was out there and I would meet him someday.

Yet, a part of me still thought about G. This tended to arise in certain moments, such as when I was by myself, when my friends talked about guys/relationships, when I saw couples together, or when I was down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness.

When I was down or out of sorts though, I would feel an urge to contact him. I remember there was a time in 2006 when my mom was in the ICU after a surgery. It was the worst period of my life – I thought she was going to die and I was going to lose my mom forever. While I was crying my eyes out at the hospital, I wished he was there with me. However, I held myself back from contacting him because I didn’t want him to see me in this state, especially not after what happened between us. Thankfully, my mom recovered a few weeks later.

There was other times when I felt troubled and wished I could seek solace in him. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding that staying away was for the better.

Occasionally he would sms me, to wish me happy birthday, share a festive greeting or on something random. Sometimes I didn’t reply, other times I just responded with a courteous message. I figured talking too much was pointless, since I wanted to draw a clear line from him. I tried to keep communication with him minimal to protect myself.

Living In A Loop

I wasn’t exactly able to maintain the distance with him though. Over the next 3 years between 2006-2008, there were two times when I contacted him. The first time was in 2006,when I just started work and I felt bogged down. The second time was in mid-2008, when I wanted to leave my ex-company to pursue my passion and I was contemplating how best to deal the situation. Looking back, these were times when I was less sure than my usual self, when I needed support. It wasn’t surprising he came to mind then, since I saw him as my pillar of support in the past.

Each time I contacted him, we almost immediately clicked like in the past. This was despite not being in close contact for almost a year each time. None of us mentioned the awkward incidences that led to me breaking away back in school. For the next few months, we quickly grew closer and closer, talking late in the night, emailing, meeting up frequently and just hanging out. And again, he would treat me in the same special way that was more romantic than platonic.

In all honesty, I removed the possibility of us being together when I made the decision to stay away in 2005. I had contacted him because I just wanted to talk to him, not to see if we could be together. Thus, when the whole romantic vs. platonic behavior began, I was skeptical of his intents. I kept him at an emotional distance while enjoying the friendship as it was.

However, as we talked more and went out more often, I thought perhaps things had changed since the last time. Maybe this time, he was serious. Maybe this time, it was real, you know? Maybe by not reciprocating, I was closing myself out in love. With renewed hope and faith, I decided to give this another shot. I began to respond in kind.

Yet after the initial pickup, things reached the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity – a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship relationship. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop – repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept reenacting itself, except it had no ending.

Once again, I was saddened and hurt. When it became obvious nothing was going to change, I broke away – silently this time. They say once bitten, twice shy. And third time is the charm. When this happened the third time in 2008, it finally sunk inside me that nothing was ever coming out of this friendship/relationship. I had given it (the relationship) one too many opportunities to play out and it didn’t.

With a heavy heart, in Dec 2008, I decided to move on for good this time.

(Actually in that month, I experienced 2 huge disappointments – this incident with G, and another about addressing money barriers while pursuing my passion. In Jan ’09, I wrote about how I overcame the latter disappointment. I didn’t write about G then because I wasn’t ready to. Today, I’m finally ready to do so, having gone through the realizations below that have helped me move on.)

Realizations that Helped Me Move On

It took a long while, but I finally moved on 4 years after we first broke away in 2005. The funny thing about these past 4 years is that there were many times when I thought I had moved on during this period, only to find out afterward that I hadn’t. I’m glad to say now that majority, if not all, of this episode is now behind me. For sure, this didn’t happen overnight – it was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally put the past behind me.

Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me

Regardless of how his actions were romantic vs. platonic, ultimately I realized that if G was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. There was no need to dance around at the sidelines, not after all these years too. Not in 2005, not in 2006, and certainly not in 2008. There could be one billion and one reasons why he didn’t take further action but the fact was he chose not to do so. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did I saw things much more objectively.

Realizing He Was Not The One For Me

During the times when we were close, I saw G as my soulmate. So when it turned out nothing was coming out of the friendship/relationship, I found it difficult to see myself with someone else. Even as I went out with other guys, I would often compare them with G. My preset bias made it difficult for guys to measure up against him, so as a result I turned my back on other guys.

But then I realized if G was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again, each time culminating to the exact same ambiguity. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted to the same end. To have it happen once was enough – but to have it happen three times, staggered across different time periods – it proved beyond any doubt nothing could come out of this. I kept trying to look beyond but it was a dead end. A dead end. There was nothing beyond. I finally realized that G was not the one for me at all.

Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes

Deep down, I hated G for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? Why did he keep quiet when I confronted him? Why did he continue on behaving that way even after I told him to stop it?

No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed this trust. All the promises he made in the past were just empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was resentful.

Beyond that… I was angry at myself. If he was supposedly a jerk, then I was angry I even allowed myself to be fooled by a jerk. If he was irresponsible, I was angry I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I had let myself get hurt. I had let myself down.

Last year (3 months ago in Dec 2009), I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him… and myself. I was dragging the past emotional baggage around like a dead carcass all this while, punishing myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself.

After I realized this, interestingly, I experienced some inner resistance in me. It was as if I didn’t want to let it go, like I didn’t feel it was fair to forgive him after what he had put me through. But then I asked myself “So do you want to carry around this whole baggage instead? And think that you are making him pay when you are really just punishing yourself?” Upon hearing this, it took a few seconds before I consciously decided to let go of the hate. The anger. The resentment. I suddenly realized I had been so silly, holding on to all of these for so long, never ever realizing that I was really just the only person suffering the whole time. When I finally let them go, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt lighter immediately, like some invisible weight was lifted. It was liberating.

Letting Him Know the Truth

A closure couldn’t take place if he didn’t even know what had been happening all this while. I thought he deserved to know the full story all these years. I felt I should bring to his awareness the implications of his actions, for his own journey of growth, and for the well-being of whoever is in his life / crosses his life in the future. What he decides to do after that is his personal choice.

So in same month of Dec ’09, I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the key events that happened between us, starting from 2005. From when I liked him, to breaking away, to living in a loop for the few years, to breaking away again in 2008. I told him how I felt he was irresponsible in his communications. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.

I didn’t expect him to reply. To be honest, it really didn’t matter at all because the email came from a moral obligation to let him know the truth of what had been going on, rather than to get an answer. Whether he answered or not, or whatever his answer was, didn’t matter anymore as I had put this behind me.

If you want to know, he replied within the day, expressing surprise at the contents of the email. He gave his side of the story, saying since we were in university, he really admired me, my passions, courage and my values. He said he also found me to be caring, smart and pretty. Because of that, he really liked spending time with me. Back then, he was unsure of whether to pursue the relationship romantically, but ultimately decided what he really wanted was for us to stay as good friends. He explained I always had a special place, which was why he always treated me exceptionally different from other people. At the end, he apologized for the hurt he had caused me.

His answer helped draw light on the events of the past few years. I replied back, thanking him for the apology and that I had accepted it. I was thankful that the loop was finally broken. #14 of my key highlights for 2009 was actually referring to this.

Living For Myself

The final closure I needed was with myself.

Regardless of the multiple hypotheses I had on why G and I were not together, I had always concluded it was because I wasn’t good enough. If I was good enough, he would have wanted to be with me. While I stopped liking G since a long time ago, the fact that he didn’t want to be with me was a subconscious block. It was no longer about why G and I couldn’t be together. It became an issue with why G didn’t want to be with me. Was it something wrong with me? Was I not good enough to be with? This experience left a huge dent in my self-esteem.

This belief that I wasn’t good enough enveloped me like a quiet shroud. Consciously, I was sure of myself and my capabilities. Subconsciously, I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I was not deserving of love, that I was ugly, fat, unworthy, critical, judgmental, not feminine enough, etc.

Because of that, I went on a marathon to improve myself these past few years. I kept thinking I was not good enough to be with someone. I worked on improving my temper. I cultivated patience. I became a kinder person, putting myself in others’ shoes and to be caring more for them. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be less critical and more encouraging. I tried to be more feminine, dainty, quiet and demure, against my natural demeanor where I was more open, forthcoming and earnest.

While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I would feel inadequate after a while, being overly self-critical and pinpointing how I could be better. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a month ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then?

I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough”. Pretty, short, petite, demure, quiet, kind, reactive, feminine, dependent, relenting, etc…. It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for G, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities then? Would I be together with G?

Maybe.

Would G be happy?

Probably.

Would I be happy?

The answer hit me with a quiet “thud“.

No.. I wouldn’t be happy.

It struck me that even if I became a girl that G would like or what I thought G would like, it wouldn’t matter – Because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. For what it is worth, that list is probably inaccurate. The point is, I was trying to change to fit into what I thought G or somebody else would like. Changing for that reason wouldn’t have gone anywhere far because I would never be happy that way. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.

Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion

With the realization above, that was when it finally clicked that the relationship between G and me had been a mental illusion all along. Subconsciously, a part of me thought G and I would be together if I turned myself into Person X (with the X list of traits G was looking for). But the truth is, I can never be Person X. More importantly, I don’t want to be Person X. It is not what I see myself evolving into. This is not what I see to be in line with my growth, my life, my destiny.

Since the relationship between G and I can only exist if I’m Person X, in reality this relationship can never exist because I can never be Person X, nor do I want to be Person X.

It was a simple, yet powerful realization. When I realized that, it felt a veil that had been covering me all these years had finally been lifted from my head. I felt the fog around me was gone. I had finally freed myself from the mental shackles I had put on myself all along.

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next

Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 5 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been living under the shadow of this relationship all these years.

Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.

I’m glad to have finally gained closure on this and with myself after all these years. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The ones we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If you want to attract new possibilities, you need to first release the old baggage you are hanging on to.

Right now, some of you may be in an ambiguous relationship and not know what to do. Some of you may be in broken relationships. Some of you may be thinking of whether to return to a past relationship which didn’t end off well. Some of you may be trying to move on from an unhappy past relationship.

Many of us are usually not aware when they should be moving on – I was in this exact same situation. Part-4 of the series is here: 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship. It’s over 3,500 words long – I’ve spent deep thought writing this and I hope it will help you find out if it’s time for you to move on in your relationship.

How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness

Celes — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:00:05 +0000

This is part-2 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

A Standstill

The strange thing was, while G constantly hinted his interest in me, nothing ever happened beyond that. For several months, we trod on the very thin line that segmented close friends from a couple. Many of our coursemates thought we were a couple because we were so close. For what it was worth, I subconsciously thought so too, just that it wasn’t officialized.

I never took any overt action because I belonged to the old school thinking when it came to love. I didn’t think I should initiate anything if it was socially recognized that guys should take the lead. I guess more importantly, I wanted to protect my pride.

However, the lack of progress on the situation baffled and frustrated me. I asked myself: “Why isn’t he doing anything? What is stopping him? What exactly is he waiting for?”

An Earnest Confession

Not one to hang around with no end in sight, I finally decided to take a step forward. By then, we were 3rd year students and knew each other for 3 semesters. I was about to graduate soon, and if nothing happened we would be off in our separate paths. Since his behavior clearly indicated interest in me, I figured there was nothing to lose.

So, one day after school, we were walking in the campus alone. I mustered my courage and indirectly told him I liked him. Then, I waited for his response with abated breath.

What happened next left me completely bewildered. He didn’t say anything. No reply, nothing. It was totally unlike him at all.

In my heart, I panicked. In a bid to do damage control, I said something to cover up the silence, something about how I liked him because I thought he liked me, and if he didn’t like me then it was okay and it didn’t matter. He didn’t reply to that either.

I forgot what happened next, but the conversation suddenly went into a different tangent, about the future, life after school, etc. In that hour long conversation, he was back to his usual self, but he never addressed any of my earlier comments about liking him. Neither did he clarify whether he liked me or not.

At the end of the day, he sent me off at the bus stop, where I boarded my usual bus. In that 45 minute bus journey home, I was left in a state of confusion, shock and disappointment.

Confusion

Seriously, I didn’t know what to make out of it.

So did he like me or not? If he did why didn’t he say anything? Maybe he didn’t like me then. But wait – how could that be? There were clear signs he liked me, such as how he treated me, the things he said to me, and most important of all, our common friend’s confirmation. If this wasn’t interest, what was?

I was very confused. Very, very confused. I went over our experiences together and analyzed them one by one. I thought of all the possibilities behind his non-response. Maybe he liked me but he didn’t know how to take it forward? Maybe he was held back by reasons I was not privy to. Maybe I was wrong all along and he never did like me! Maybe… maybe he already liked someone else? Maybe he thought I was not good enough for him. Maybe I was not his type of girl. Maybe he was looking for a Christian (he was a devoted Christian) and I wasn’t. Hey, maybe he was being an asshole and he was leading me all this while to cheat my feelings. Maybe this was just his game and I was a toy in it.

Maybe… maybe… maybe. 1,001 maybes went through my head. Each was a possibility. Yet at the end of it, all I had were maybes. There were no concrete answers to unravel my confusion.

Heartbreak

Image ©

You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor.

For the first time, I felt my heart, break. Here was the guy who promised me he would never let me get hurt, who said he would earn my trust, who said he would always be there for me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the same guy who hurt me the most. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.

Many people knew me as a strong girl, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.

And for the most part, I did. On the outside, I dealt with it very well, appearing unfazed. I seemingly moved on with little downtime.

But inside me, was a little girl: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this guy, trusted him, fell for him, and this happened. I thought I at least deserved an explanation for what was going on. But I didn’t even get that. All I had were questions, a bunch of hypotheses, and no answers. I felt like some kind of fool, like I had been played around with. I felt worthless, like a piece of shit.

G was such a great guy. Ultimately, I recognized he had the opportunity to express his feelings but he didn’t. Either he didn’t like me or he didn’t like me enough to want to bring it forward. It was as simple as that. I thought maybe he didn’t like me because I wasn’t attractive, because I was tall and most guys preferred shorter girls, that I was too critical, that I was not feminine, that I was not well-tempered, that I was too forthright as a person, and a whole list of other shortcomings about me. I concluded that if he didn’t like me, it was because I wasn’t good enough.

Trying To Move On

Not wanting to be a loser who hung on even when the other person was not interested, I decided to let him go and start afresh. I stopped thinking of him as a romantic partner, saw him as just a good friend, and decided to continue this friendship with this new understanding. Having undergone a rollercoaster of emotions the past week, I thought it was the end of this episode.

Except it wasn’t. After the fateful day, he continued to behave like it was more than a friendship. I couldn’t fathom why he was still doing it if he didn’t like me. I mean, what the heck was wrong with him? First I gave him the chance to express his interest, and he didn’t. Then as I was trying to move on, there he was, preventing me from doing so. Was he having fun screwing around with my mind?

I confronted him about his behavior a few times. Whenever he did it, I told him to “Stop it” or asked “Why are you saying/doing this?”. Each time, he either feigned ignorance or kept quiet. And the same behavior continued afterward.

I hated him for doing this. Either he treated this like a proper friendship or moved it forward into a relationship. I couldn’t live in this ambiguity. I felt he was irresponsible in his actions and his words. Deep down, I resented him for that.

Deciding To Stay Away From Him

Since it didn’t seem he was going to stop his odd behavior, I decided to stay away from him. It was time to start my life on a fresh note.

At the end of 2005, I told him we should reduce contact for the aforementioned reasons. Again, he kept quiet. I took that as an affirmation.

So in our next semester (also my last semester in school), we didn’t take any classes together. We barely saw each other and our communication was at a minimum. I continued to do well in my last semester of studies and graduated from university. After that, I had a few months of break before I started my job in my ex-company. He continued with his final year in school, proceeding to work after that.

I had entered university full of hope and enthusiasm in 2003, thinking I might meet my special someone there. I never expected to have my heart broken instead. A part of me was filled with wistfulness, melancholy and sadness. I thought graduation in 2006 represented a final closure to this chapter. I thought I could finally make a clean cut and finally put all this behind me.

As it turned out, moving on wasn’t as easy as I thought. It would take 4 years and several inner realizations before I finally gained the closure I needed to properly move on.

This is part-2 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships. Continue on to Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On.

Personal Excellence » relationship

How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

Challenges in Improving Parent-Child Relationships

How To Improve Your Relationship with Parents

See it as a journey

Release the parent-child ideal in your mind

Appreciate what they can offer in their capacity

Understand what you are looking for underneath the ideal

Think about how you can be a better child to them

Speak to them in their language of love

Start from existing channels that are already open

In Conclusion

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How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 3: Revelation and Happiness

Growing Up as One

Divergence

Revelations

The ideal that is not the ideal; the non-ideal that has been the ideal all along

Releasing pressure on the parent-child relationship

Finally, viewing the relationship from their perspective

Putting Everything Together

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How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap

Resignation

An Incident

Hope and a Vigilant Effort

Emptiness… A Gap that Could Never Be Bridged

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How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 1: A Child’s Wish

Forenote

How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents

A Child’s Wish – A Deep Wish

Disparity between Vision and Reality

Sadness and an Unfulfilled Wish

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10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Moving On Isn’t Easy

12 Signs To Tell If You Have Not Moved On

Moving On Takes Time

10 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you.

3. Share with your close friends.

4. Reduce contact with him/her.

5. Seek closure with him/her.

6. Forgive him/her.

7. Doing Things You Love.

8. Meeting new people.

9. Knowing there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her.

10. Recognize there is someone out there for you.

How To Know When You Have Moved On

Final Thoughts

Download How To Move On From Relationships (Free Ebook)

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How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On

My Journey in Moving On

Thinking About Him

Living In A Loop

Realizations that Helped Me Move On

Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me

Realizing He Was Not The One For Me

Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself

Letting Him Know the Truth

Living For Myself

Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next

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How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness

A Standstill

An Earnest Confession

Confusion

Heartbreak

Trying To Move On

Deciding To Stay Away From Him

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