Personal Excellence » letting go

[Pic] Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship, Manifesto Version

Celes — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:20:38 +0000

Second manifesto is Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship, part-4 of the popular 2010 series on How To Move On From Relationships. This particular article has been a hit, with many readers sharing on their Tumblrs since it was written in March 2010.

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Source article: Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship

Feel free to like/share this on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc if you find it useful. Convenient share buttons can be found below this post.

And if you’ve never read the moving on series, where have you been? Here is the series for easy access:

How do you find this manifesto? Want to see more? Which ones are you interested to see? Let me know!

Update: A couple of readers have feedback that the red background may be too harsh for reading black/white text. I’ve since updated it with a more neutral tone of red.

Ask Celes – Is It Possible To Let Go of Unhappy Past Forever?

Celes — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 00:10:54 +0000

This is part of the Ask Celes series, where readers were invited to ask me anything they want. The section is now over but you can read all Q&As here: Ask Celes Section.

Hi Celes, I’d like to know how we can let go of the past issues (be it hurtful or disappointing ones). I acknowledge the steps to letting go but certain thoughts still surface like a repeating process. Is there such thing as letting go forever? – Rine

Hi Rine, firstly, yes – one can let go forever; else it wouldn’t be called letting go! Someone who still harbors negativity about a past issue or experiences resurfacing thoughts every now and then (that’s outside of his/her control) hasn’t let go yet. If you experience a situation where certain thoughts surface on and off, that means the letting go process has not been completed.

How does one know when he/she has truly let go of something?

When thoughts of the issue no longer surface out of the blue, even when you’re not thinking about it. It’s a past memory which you think about as and when you want to.
When there are no feelings of negativity, sadness, disappointment, hurt, etc attached with the situation. Only a state of neutrality. (Note that neutrality and jadedness are two completely different things. Neutrality is a clean state with no attachments, no misgivings, no hang-ups. Jadedness is the result of blocking off one’s emotions.)
When you have addressed all your grievances surrounding the issue, be it internally or externally.

How does one truly let go then?

I covered this in detail in the exercise for 30BBM Day 26 – Letting Go. Basically, it involves digging into your grievances to the point where (a) you fully understand the source of your grievances (b) you obtain resolution on them. This resolution can be either internal, external, or both.

For example, let’s say there’s a past disappointment that plagues you every now and then. Rather than tackle it face on, you push it away as a form of avoidance or (b) you cover over the disappointment with a positive emotion (say, via positive affirmations).

While either method gives you relief, it’s only temporary. After some time, the feeling of disappointment resurfaces. At this point, you can either do (a) or (b)…. again. The problem is, this only provides temporary relief again, before the same feeling resurfaces all over. And it will continue to do that like a broken record, till the day it is addressed.

Think of unresolved grievances like cork pieces on water – you can push them down and they will disappear – making it seem like everything’s okay, but it’s a matter of time before they float back up and create ripples throughout the water, disrupting whatever equilibrium you were trying to establish.

To resolve this permanently, you need to get to the root of your grievance. In short (from the exercise on #30BBM Day 26 – Letting Go):

Write down the thing/incident that’s bothering you.
Identify what’s bothering you about this thing/incident. Write as many things as possible.
Probe into your answers from #2 – Dig as deep as you can. This is to uncover the root cause. Don’t stop till you arrive at an a-ha moment. (Be sure to read my article on addressing root cause vs. effects so you know how to differentiate between a root cause and an effect.)
Create a plan to address that moving forward.

Almost all my self-realizations I post at Personal Excellence have pretty much been arrived at via the exercise I created above. For example, my realizations in the parent series, the moving on series, procrastination series, the best friend guide, and so on.

Bear in mind that letting go isn’t a binary, one-off event. See it as a process. Say you process X% of an issue via 4 steps above. While thoughts of the same issue may resurface thereafter, you may find that the thoughts are now of a different aspect of the situation compared to before. You may also find that the thoughts now surface on a lesser frequency and with a lower intensity.

The next step, then, is to repeat the exercise above, so as to gain new resolution on the matter. Dig deeper to achieve new realizations. Take action on your new found learnings.

The key is to keep doing that as long as you experience any repeating thoughts on the problem. The day when the situation stops surfacing in your mind (outside of your desire), would be the day when you’ve finally let go of the whole situation. Bit by bit, step by step – it’s a matter of time before you reach there.

Be sure to read the following related articles:

10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Celes — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 04:36:22 +0000

This is the last part of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

© rebecca-lily

Note from Celes: As this series conclude, I’d like to thank all of you guys for your feedback. This series has generated the most discussion to date and I’m glad my experience has helped you gain insights. For myself, reading your responses and experiences have given me the invaluable opportunity to learn more about you.

Separately, the notable discussions this has generated has made me rethink the comments policy – whether to open them by default – so I’ll write a separate post to get your votes on these. Meanwhile, please enjoy the last part of this series.

Moving On Isn’t Easy

I’ll be honest with you. Moving on isn’t easy. If it wasn’t for the experience with G, I’d think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us. I mean, you want to move on? Just forget about the past! Get over it. Look onward to the future. Keep yourself busy with other things.

Uh-uh – Not so easy. While these do help in some way, I realized there is more than meets the eye. No matter how I tried to push away the past, the past hung there like a shroud, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and actions. I didn’t realize this until I came to the realizations which helped me let go. Ultimately, there were past baggages to clear and subconscious, erroneous beliefs to untangle before I could really move on. All these require an ability to think consciously and to maintain a level of objectivity, which is hard because such matters are usually linked to deep sorrows and injured pride.

Often, we think we have moved on but we haven’t. This was the case for me for the past few years. For the longest time, while I thought I had moved on, subconsciously I had not. Thinking you have moved on and having really moved on are two separate situations altogether. In the former, you continue to live under the shadow of that person or relationship without realizing it. You think you have been liberated but truth is you are still living in a mental prison as you keep thinking about the person and past memories. This prevents you from receiving new things in your life.

12 Signs To Tell If You Have Not Moved On

For you to move on, you have to first know whether you have moved on or not. Here are 12 signs to tell if you have not moved on:

When you think of the person more often than not.
When you think about him/her even though you don’t want to.
When you keep mentally reliving past memories with him/her, usually the happy/sweet ones.
When he/she comes to mind the first instant when you are down and out.
When you still have questions and resignations about the past. You wonder what could have been or why didn’t it turn out a certain way.
When you assign blame for the way things turned out, whether it’s to him/her, yourself or the circumstance.
When thought/sight of him/her trigger certain emotional reactions, such as aversion, anxiety, frustration, resignation.
When you keep trying to improve yourself because you feel you were not good enough (for him/her).
When you have a desire to spite him/her, as a way of making him/her regret for whatever happened.
When you often bring up the person in your conversations, even when there is no relation.
When you have a desire or urge to contact him/her even though you previously told yourself you didn’t want to.
When you find yourself living out the same looping patterns. A very common example would be on-again, off-again relationships with that person. Or a lingering state of relationship that doesn’t get anywhere. Even if you are with other people, if the relationships act out in the same pattern as the past, it reflects you have not moved on. There’s a part of you entrenched in the past which is making the same situation reenact itself, just with a different person.

Moving On Takes Time

The moving on process will take time, probably longer than you might think. I’m talking about being fully cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars from the incident, not just moving on on a surface level.

It took me 4 whole years before I was able to fully release myself from G’s shadow and our pseudo relationship. There were many times when I came to a new revelation and thought I had thus moved on, only to realize afterward there was more inner baggage to be cleared. This didn’t mean I wasn’t making progress before; it just meant the emotional wound was deeper than I thought.

In these 4 years, there was a truckload of baggage cleared. To be honest, it really shocked me to know the amount of baggage that was stored inside me all this while, despite actively living consciously. For one, it affirmed the journey of conscious growth never ends – it’s an ongoing one. Two, to have so much baggage created from a relatively short period of time (we first parted ways 1.5 years of knowing each other) showed a lot of mental baggage is pretty much self-created. It’s compounded by our projections of people, assumptions of situations, expectations of how relationships should be, etc.

If you are still holding on to what could have been, it’s time to release yourself. No more mental torture or mental inhibitions. No more holding yourself back for something that cannot come to pass.

Depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on. Think of it as a journey, rather than a binary Yes/No checkpoint. Whatever you do, you will definitely be making progress every step along the way. Be it bitter or sweet, each time you are clearing baggage, bit by bit. Each step is an act of healing in itself.

10 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Here are my personal 10 steps to help you in this healing journey.

1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.

With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage you’d have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.

Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. It’s natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Don’t block them away. Embrace them and accept them.

Don’t bottle them in, because as we all know they will explode in the future when least expected. You might have heard of people who claim to have moved on by shutting off / avoiding their emotions altogether. They may feel like they have moved on, but what’s really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn’t cause any immediate reaction. It’s like having a cut that is healed on the surface, but still has impurities underneath the scar. To complete the cleansing process, all the dirt has to be cleansed. To do so you need to first acknowledge and accept your feelings.

© rebecca-lily

As you connect with these emotions, slowly let them go. Feel them, understand the source, then release them. Some suggestions would be to talk to a good friend, journaling or meditation. Sleeping helps to clear mental baggage too – but just be conscious that you don’t turn to sleep as a source of escapism.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you.

A large portion why you can’t move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as “the one” for you. You just can’t see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a “some day” which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections – both on you and of him/her.

One thing I’ve realized is that if the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isn’t there, then anything else can come forth as a “reason” for not being together.

If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isn’t the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isn’t meant to be. Because ultimately, it’s not about the right place or right timing. It’s about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. That’s why it’s called the right person.

3. Share with your close friends.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.

4. Reduce contact with him/her.

In the healing process of a wound, the initial healing period will be the most delicate. During this time, you wouldn’t want anything to come near and agitate the wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, you might need to reduce contact with this person away at the beginning, if it helps you to heal / move on faster.

There are three possible situations where you’d have to do so.

If you feel you can’t move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.
If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.
If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that were more romantic or platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.

I had to reduce contact with G because his actions toward me made it hard for me to move on. A part of me kept seeing him as an ideal guy, while on the other hand he was treating me in this special way that was ambiguous. Reducing contact made it much easy for me to gain clarity on the situation, that what we had was a friendship and there was nothing more than that.

5. Seek closure with him/her.

At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and emotions pent up. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldn’t things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.

Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.

At the end, you will find it’s really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. It’s like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.

Some of you may ask – What if he/she avoids the issue or doesn’t answer the question(s)? If that’s the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want – irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted – but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she can’t even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.

6. Forgive him/her.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves. It makes sense doesn’t it? When you feel angry/bitter towards someone, it’s not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. It’s you. For what it’s worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling towards him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.

Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. It’s like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. I’m sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You can’t get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.

To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.

7. Doing Things You Love.

© rebecca-lily

Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, don’t linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.

8. Meeting new people.

It’s easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Don’t get cooped up in your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.

9. Knowing there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her.

It’s easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the “right” or ‘wrong” traits to embody, just different expectations. If you don’t embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys aren’t the right match. That’s all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just aren’t suited for each other.

10. Recognize there is someone out there for you.

It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but it’s true. Heck, I’m 25 (as of 2010), single all these years, met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe there’s someone out there for me! There’s no reason why you shouldn’t think so! I don’t care how many relationships you’ve been in the past, how many wrong men/women you’ve been with, or whether you’ve never been in any real relationships. (I haven’t). There is someone out there for you. You’re definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think you’re the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.

I know how hard it can be to find the special someone. Ack, I was having an interview with CNN last Tuesday, on my blog and the topic of bucket lists. We began to talk about my bucket list, and the interviewer asked me the item I thought would be the hardest to achieve. Without a doubt, I told her it was finding my special someone. Over and beyond any of the items on my list, such as setting up TSOPE, creating my talkshow, hitting best sellers, etc. But hey, you know what? Difficult it may be, I’m sure it’ll be all worth it when it happens

If you have already found your partner, congratulations! Please treasure him/her, because lord knows us singles have such a hard time finding our soulmate! If you haven’t, know that you are not alone. Even if you have absolutely no single friends (which I find hard to believe), you know me and I’m single, so you can’t claim you don’t have any single friends!

There is someone out there for you. I’m as convicted of this for myself as much as I am for you. Just because you are single now doesn’t mean you will remain forever single. It just means you have not found the right person. Meanwhile, focus on living your best life in your definitions. Most importantly, remember that your life doesn’t and shouldn’t hinge on having a special partner or not. We are complete by ourselves and relationships should not be there to complete us.

How To Know When You Have Moved On

Quite simply, if none of the 12 signs above apply to you, that means you have moved on. Once you do, a life of new beginnings and opportunities await you on the other side. Almost automatically, new things will start flowing into your life.

Final Thoughts

Today as I look back, it has truly been a long, long healing process. Today, I’m finally at peace with myself. I no longer beat myself up or think myself as not good enough when it comes to love and relationships. I don’t have the same trepidation, confusion, bittersweet emotions, hatred or frustration when I think/talk about G. I’m thankful for having crossed paths with G and gaining this experience. I believe all of us enter into each others’ lives for a reason. This experience has helped me become a better person. I’m happy for him and what he has done/achieved for himself,and I hope he is as happy in his life as I am now.

As I mentioned in the start of this series, I have written this with the intention to help others move on from whatever they may be holding back on. We can have pain and sadness from an experience, but there’s always a way out. It’s up to us on whether we want to swirl around in the past or move to a better place. We always have a choice. It’s easy to choose the former. It takes courage to take the latter step. But I assure you it’s worth it.

When I was writing this series, I was singly focused on connecting with like-souls out there and helping them move on from whatever they are entrenched in. As I write this, I can say this series achieved more than I have aimed to. After posting it, I’ve received many heartfelt messages from individuals on how the series has helped them. Many are grateful to know that they aren’t the only ones out there who have experienced / are experiencing such a situation. Some realized they need to move on from a relationship which isn’t working. Some gained strength in moving on from past wounds. There’s a separate group, singles, who told me that the series helped them gain insights on why they are not together with someone. I didn’t have the last objective in mind when I first wrote this series, but I’m certainly glad the sharing benefited them too.

I realized that heartfelt sharing of my personal experiences is key to connecting with you guys, so I’ll continue to do that in the future. However, there is going to be tricky, especially as sharing of my personal experiences will sometimes include sharing about other people in my life. So far, K and G are the only individuals I’ve written about in detail on my blog. Based on what I know of K and G, they wouldn’t mind me writing about the stories, if it helps people move to a better place. (Something which I’ve later confirmed with K too).

However, as I continue writing as a blogger, sharing more stories, there will be a time when other people come into the picture. The question then rises – Am I intruding on others’ private spaces by writing about them, even if it may be for the purest intent? There are also other implications, as I realized there are more people reading my blog than I realize – people who know me and may know the people I’m writing about.

To be honest, I don’t have the answer to this question yet. After 1 year of writing at my blog, I’ve realized sharing my stories is definitely the best way to relate to all of you, so I doubt I’ll stop doing it. Authors, other bloggers, and musicians also write from their personal stories. What I can do is to write with the purest intent to help others, ensure it accurately represents the truth as I understand, and doesn’t cause malicious harm to anyone. Again I don’t have the final answer to it. It’ll be a work-in-progress situation; one which I evaluate as I go along the way. Meanwhile I will continue to do my best for you guys and for me.

To all of you guys – whether you have been a silent reader, commenter, or have connected with me before, I thank you for supporting me, silently or not, all this while in my journey. This is only the start of everything. I can only imagine what’s ahead will be full of unexpected surprises, challenges and excitement. I’m scared, a little apprehensive, somewhat calm, but at the same time very eager and excited to see them unfold. I can’t wait to experience it with all of you.

This is last part of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

Check out the other articles in People & Relationship series:

Articles in Dealing with People series:

Download How To Move On From Relationships (Free Ebook)

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Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship

Celes — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:30:24 +0000

This is part-4 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

Note from Celes: Thanks a lot for all your feedback for the series so far It seems like many of you have been/are in similar predicaments, and I’m glad that this can be of help in any way at all. I’ll leave comments for Part-4 open as well, so feel free to comment and share your thoughts if any.

© Pensiero

Funny as it may be, most of the times, we aren’t even aware we need to move on from a relationship until it becomes evident. Some of us logically know we should move on – yet we linger on anyway.

For me, even though I had concluded in 2005 that I had to move on with G, I was still wrapped around in a loop in 2006, and again in 2008, because each time the circumstances gave me the impression that it was different this time round. It wasn’t until the situation reached the same dead end for the third time that I finally realized it was time to move on for good.

As I look back and as I look around at friends who have been or are currently in similar situations, I realize there are common reasons arise as to why we couldn’t / don’t / can’t move on. For example:

The truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is more than we can take. So to make things easier, we continue to live in our false reality. Some of my friends keep returning to ex-es who treated them badly or cheated on them in the past. They feel it’s much easier to believe in the faith of their ex-es than admit to themselves that their boyfriends don’t treasure their relationship that much.
The other party is giving ambiguous, misleading signals. This was the case for me and G. Behavior that’s more romantic than platonic. Behavior that spills over the domain of friendship. This led me to think there was something more. Based on your comments , it would seem many of you are caught in the same situation too.
The other party is giving mixed signals. When we try to get closer, he/she shys away. Then when we try to move on, he/she suddenly tries to get closer. Such confusing behavior, such conflicting actions. What should we do instead then? In the end, some of us choose to pander on, hoping it’ll eventually lead to a positive place.
We don’t believe we can ever find someone like him/her. Even though we meet new people, we can’t find someone who matches up. What if there’s no one else out there? It’s so hard to even fathom that. I think a lot of us choose to hang on because we are afraid we can’t ever find someone in the future. The fear of being alone drives us to cling on even when all seems lost.
We are afraid of what’s next if we let go / move on. Having grown comfortable in the relationship, we are afraid of the change that will ensue if we break away from it. What’s going to happen to me? How will my life change? But I’m already so comfortable with him/her! Will I be able to adapt to this new life? Thich Nhat Hanh said it well when he said “We rather stick with suffering that is familiar than pain that we don’t know“.

No matter what the reason is, avoidance never brings us anywhere in the long-term. It’s better to identify when a relationship is going nowhere so we can address it accordingly, rather than cling onto it in blind hopes that things will change. If we hold on to relationships that are not meant to be, we can never attract new things into our life. We will forever be living in the past than moving forward into the future.

Having been through a relationship which led to nowhere, I’ve learned some telling signs on when it’s time to move on. Below are top 12 signs to know when it’s time to move on from a relationship – in particular romantic ones. They will be relevant whether it’s a budding romantic relationship, a new/existing relationship or a past connection.

Out of these 12 signs, I’ve reapplied the 5 signs from when to part ways with friends. That’s because a romantic relationship is built on the same underlying pillars as friendship. The difference between them is the level of intensity. A romantic relationship is much more intense since the parties are usually more closely bounded together.

Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship

#1. When you live in past memories more than the present.

Do you replay the happy moments of the relationship to make you feel good about it? Do you use them as reasons to continue on with him/her? If so, it’s a sign your current relationship isn’t how you want it to be. I realized the more we live in the past memories and/or a self-created future, the more we are living in a self-created reality. This is dangerous since it’s not reflective of the actual state of the relationship.

You have to remember your relationship with the person exists in the current moment. Not in the past. Past memories should remain as memories and not as a reason to stay together. Your decision on whether to stay with the person should be based on your current feelings for him/her, the actual state of the relationship and the future you see with him/her.

#2. When the relationship brings you more pain than joy.

Sometimes, we tend to be blinded by the past happy moments of the relationship. To the extent we forget about all the unhappiness it brings us. If your relationship leaves you frustrated/upset/unhappy more often than not; If your relationship is leaving you in tears every so often, perhaps this might not be the right person for you. The relationship you are in now should be one which brings you happiness now. Just like #1, if the main source of happiness of your relationship is from past memories, something is amiss.

#3. When he/she expects you to change.

The truest form of love is one that’s unconditional. Your partner shouldn’t expect you to change, unless it’s for your well-being (such as to quit smoking or to adopt a healthier diet). Some of my friends had ex-boyfriends who wanted them to change, such as to dress up more often to look prettier or to lose weight when said friend was of healthy weight. There was even one who actually suggested my friend to shave her arm and leg hair because he felt it a given for girls!

The issue here isn’t about you. The issue isn’t about the change itself either. The issue is about the expectation of you to change. While some requests may start off seemingly normal/benign, they will quickly build on over time. Even as you concede to the requests, more will come. It marks the first step of him/her trying to mold you into his/her expectations of you, rather than you growing into your own.

#4. When you stay on, expecting he/she will change.

The above applies for the other person as much as it applies for you. If you are staying on / getting into the relationship expecting the person to change, you are in this for the wrong reason. You are trying to change the person to fit your expectations, rather than accept him/her as the individual he/she is.

Even if the person does changes, soon you will have something else you want him/her to change. You will never be fully satisfied with how he/she is. The worst thing is, if the other person isn’t conscious, he/she will keep changing just to fit your expectations. In the end, he/she will just end up being your shadow.

This happened between my ex-best friend, K, and me. While we were not in a romantic relationship, some issues we faced in our friendship are probably similar to what others face in their romantic relationships. Through our friendship, I began to see him as an extension of me, rather than as a separate individual. K did not have a very strong self-identity at the time, so unfortunately he kept changing to fit what I wanted. In the end, he was became my shadow. After 10 years of friendship, we had to part ways, because it was the better path for us to grow as individuals – for him to grow into his own, and for me to grow into my own as well.

#5. When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.

Whenever we experience a situation we’re uncomfortable about, we experience cognitive dissonance. It refers to the discomfort from being faced with something that conflicts against our beliefs. When this happens, we try to come up with explanations, justifications so we can feel good about the situation.

This if we feel the need to justify an action, that means we are uncomfortable with the action itself and we want to explain away the discomfort. The danger behind this is that the explanations are self-created and may or may not be true. If you are repeatedly justifying his/her actions, the relationship becomes built on your rationalizations, rather than the reality. Likelihood is that you are living in your world of false assurances rather than the truth.

© tonyduckles

Back in 2005 when the relationship between G and I was in the state of ambiguity, I would think of different reasons to justify why nothing was happening. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe he was shy. Maybe he wasn’t sure of what to do with the relationship. Maybe studies was his priority. Maybe I should take the first step. For a while, I was justifying different reasons as to why he didn’t take action. However reality was he wasn’t taking action. Everything else was just made up in my mind to fill up the gap between this reality and my expectations. By creating all these justifications, I had unknowingly created a mental jigsaw which I had to slowly peel away in the later years.

To see reality as it is, see the actions as they are and let them speak for themselves. Actions ultimately speak louder than words.

#6. When he/she is causing you emotional/physical/verbal hurt.

Physical and verbal abuse are definite no-no’s. There is clearly something wrong if the other party abuses/hits/curses/swears at you, no matter how he/she tries to make up for it later. Even if it may be the spur of the moment, the fact that he/she lets slip in that moment shows there is something deep inside him/her that needs addressing.

Emotional hurt is trickier. A lot of people negate emotional hurt because it’s not visible. Ignore it, and it’s not there. But emotional hurt is hurt all the same, if not worse. The wounds that are hardest to heal are the emotional ones, not the physical ones.

I was emotionally hurt by G when he flippantly led me on with his words and behavior, even after I told him not to do it. This had a lingering effect on me for years even after I broke away, which took a long while to heal. Even though he may not have realized what his words/actions did to me, the fact was that he wasn’t conscious enough about my feelings to realize the hurt he was causing me.

The point of this example isn’t to persecute anyone, but to illustrate that the other party should be someone who respects you and is conscious enough of your feelings/well-being not to let you be hurt. If he/she has caused you hurt, you need to bring it to his/her awareness and address it together. Keeping mum about it is like handing a free pass to let the hurting behavior continue. If the same thing happens even after you have made efforts to address it, you need to reevaluate the relationship. If he/she can’t care for you properly, he/she might not be the right person for you.

#7. When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it.

Once might be a coincidence. Twice, you might want to give another chance. But 3 times is a clear sign something is wrong. I finally realized nothing was coming out from the relationship between G and I after our loop played out the third time. Each time, I did what I could to make it work out, but it always stopped at the same end. It was more than enough evidence that this was the end.

Do you find yourself in replay mode in your relationship? Do you keep landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome, time and again, no matter what you do? If so, perhaps you need to accept this is the furthest the relationship can get to. You can keep pressing on, but it’s a matter of time before it sinks in that there’s nothing further to go. This is the end of the road. There is a future for you and him/her, and this relationship isn’t the route to that future.

#8. When he/she puts little to no effort in the relationship.

Every relationship requires effort by the duo. The same applies for familial bonds, friendships, mentorships and most definitely love. Both of you have to commit to the relationship together. If you are constantly the one putting in more effort, sooner than later it’ll drain you. You have to give more and more just to keep the relationship afloat. Unless this imbalance is addressed, it will only become bigger and bigger over time. Soon you sink your whole self into it, losing your self identity in the process.

When you see relationships where one is investing way more effort than the other, they are usually headed to doomsville. Some of my friends were in such situations. They invested themselves into their relationships and poured in their hearts and souls. Their partners, on the other hand, only put in a fraction of that. They barely cared – it seemed as if the relationship was just a nice add-on to their lives, rather than something they really valued. Soon, said partners began drifting away. My friends kept giving more and more, hoping they could salvage the situation. This only slowed down breaking off process but didn’t prevent it.

Don’t get me wrong – it is possible for a relationship to last even when one party is putting in more effort than the other. However, are you prepared to do that for the rest of your life? Is your ideal relationship partner someone who doesn’t care to invest as much effort into the relationship as you? I personally think all of us deserves someone who treasures us fully, who wants to be with us as much as we want to be with us. To have it any other way is like having a car with a tyre busted – it’ll keep moving in a slant until it eventually drives off the cliff.

#9. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.

For any friendship or relationship to work out, there has to be certain similarity in fundamental values. Similarity in these values are the big rocks which will hold the friendship in place. Even if other things are dissimilar, the big rocks will enable the friendship to weather through even the toughest storms ahead.

On the other hand, if your core values are fundamentally different, it doesn’t matter even if everything else is same. The journey to keep the relationship together will only become an uphill battle. It’s just like trying to hold the soil of the ground together in a heavy rain. Without the roots of the tree to hold this soil together, everything will just slip away against your best efforts.

I believe the most important thing in life is to first be true to ourselves. While conformance has its merits, it should never be done at the expense of our own growth or our values. Compromising on your personal values just to keep a friendship afloat will ultimately only make you miserable. What’s worse, because your true self is repressed, you start to wrap your identity around the friendship. This was what happened to K, which was why we had to let go of the relationship partly so he could grow into his own. You need to first be true to who you are before any meaningful relationship can be formed.

Sometimes, it’s possible both of you start off with the same values system. Over time, there will be changes. Maybe he grew to be a different person. Maybe you did. Maybe both of you changed. The changes may result in change in your fundamental philosophies, to the point where they no longer fit. If you can no longer connect with the person in the same manner as before, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

#10. When the relationship holds you back, hence preventing both of you from growing as individuals.

A relationship is ultimately a third entity formed due to two individuals. Every relationship evolves based on how both parties are growing. Sometimes both parties grow at the same pace. There are times where the relationship is one of stagnancy, where both parties don’t grow. Then there are times when one outgrows the other, by a large margin.

When this happens, you have two options (i) change the dynamics of the relationship to fit this new development, or change yourself to maintain the same dynamics. As I shared above, it’s most important to first be true to ourselves. Determine who you are and who you want to be, then decide if this relationship is one that is compatible with you. A relationship that hinders you from growing into your own isn’t the best one for you. On top of that, if you are not able to grow into your own, chances are your partner is facing a similar blockage as well. A real relationship should be one that enables you in your personal life journey, so you can then enable your partner in his/her life journeys as well.

#11.When you stay on, expecting things to get better.

This is similar to #1, except it pertains to the future. Just like how you don’t live in the past, you don’t live in the future. You can hope that the future will be better, but the fact is you live now. If the only thing that’s making you hold on is the hope of a better future, the relationship isn’t exactly built on solid grounds. The future you wish for is one of the many possibilities that can occur, a possibility that may never come to reality. It’s dangerous to base the fate of the relationship on something that might not occur. A building built on a shaky foundation will crash to an unsightly end when the foundation gives way.

#12. When neither of you feel the same way about each other.

Things change. People change. If the feelings are no longer there, it’s time to move on. Some of you might linger on in a relationship even though the feelings are gone. Perhaps it has become part of your routine and you don’t know what to do once you break away. Some of you continue on because the relationship still serves certain functional purposes, such as companionship.

Yet, a relationship without the mutual feelings is like a body without a heart. There’s no soul or life in it. If you no longer have feelings for the other party, staying on is doing the other person an injustice. More importantly, it’s doing you a huge injustice. It’s best for him/her and you to part ways so you can move to better places.

If the other person doesn’t have feelings for you anymore, holding on to him/her only drags out the misery. Realize that “True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.” Just because you love the person doesn’t mean you have to be with the person. True love exists outside of the physical fabric of a relationship. This is just a form of expression of love, but in no way is the single definition of love.

I’ll end off this article with a final quote:

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.– Author Unknown

Thank you to all of you for all your support, encouragement and constructive comments on the series so far. It’s been a nostalgic and heartwarming experience writing everything and I really hope this has been helpful to you, wherever you are in life right now. Read the concluding part of this moving on series – 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship.

Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years

Celes — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:08:39 +0000

© alexwilkes

(Original post written and published on Jan 29 2010)

Have you ever had a friendship which you had to let go in order to move forward in your growth?

I have. It was with one of the closest friends I have ever had – someone whom I’d refer to as K. K and I knew each other for 10 years and were best friends, before we parted ways last year (2009).

How We Knew Each Other

I first knew K when I was 15. That was 10 years ago. I remember at that time, I was learning web design as a hobby and was setting up my first website. As my webhost (I was using Crosswinds at that time) was frequently down, I would often visit their IRC support channel to check out what was wrong. (Those were the good old days when IRC and ICQ ruled the world of online chat.)

There, I came to know K, who was one of the support volunteers. K was 27 and from America. Even though we were from different backgrounds and were 12 years apart, we hit it off very well. There was another girl – M, same age as me, whom we acquainted with in the chat room too.

Before we knew it, all 3 of us became very close friends. Our interest in web design was one of the things which brought us together. Me, K and M would often hang out online and just chat for hours and hours to no end. Because each of us were from different timezones (I was from Singapore, K was from America – 15 hrs apart – and M was from Netherlands which was 7 hrs apart), we would each take turns to stay up / wake up early just so we could hang out more. One of the things I looked forward every day after school was just hanging out with them. We were closer with each other than to many of our other friends. The anonymity of the internet allowed us to connect more authentically as individuals, free of subconscious impositions that would come attached with our social labels in the society.

Becoming Best Friends

Over the next few years, K and I stayed connected, while M and I drifted away. Since K was from America, we had never met in person before. Yet, over the course of the next 10 years, our friendship became stronger and stronger.

Do you have a very close friend in your life? K was my closest, platonic friend ever. He was the one person whom I knew I could trust my life with and he would protect it with his life. He would always be there to provide a listening ear whenever I needed one, no matter how busy he was or what he was occupied with. Whether I was down, angry, happy or restless, he would be there to listen. We would talk on the phone almost every day. He would stay up through the night and sacrifice his sleep so we could talk. Our conversations covered just about everything, from daily events, life, personal introspection, hobbies, our families, friends, relationships, my school, his work, etc.

Deep down, I felt extremely blessed and thankful to have a friend like him.

Pushing Him To Take Action On His Life

As K’s best friend, I was personally invested in his life. I always felt K was seriously living below his potential. He seemed like he was stuck in a rut in his life. For example, he was working in jobs which underutilized his capabilities. In the 10 years we knew each other, he would switch back and fro from lower tier jobs to unemployment to odd jobs. He was perpetually always trying to repay debts to his friends and family which he built up from earlier years.

He was also procrastinating on his Quadrant 2 areas. For example, he wanted to be in a relationship, but he never took much action to find his life partner. His health and fitness was neglected – he was taking the standard junk food diet and didn’t make effort to keep his fitness level in check. From an overall life standpoint, he was living on a day to day basis, without really living life to the fullest.

For the people whom we care about, we would naturally want what was best for them. It was the same from me to K. I constantly pushed him to work on his life. It started as small steps, by urging him to get a better job and encouraging him to work on his diet. These were areas he said he wanted to work on, but didn’t seem to be doing anything about them. I encouraged him to set goals and take action. If I happened to be embarking on a goal which he might be interested in, I would extend an invitation to him to join me in the goal pursuit too. Whatever skills or adages I had picked up and found useful, I would share with him so he could benefit from it.

While K grew in his own ways over the years, I felt he was still largely living his life in inertia and wasting his life away. Not only that, whatever growth he experienced was largely triggered by me. I had to push him really hard to get him to act just a little on his goals. When I wasn’t doing so, he would simply stop doing anything. All in all, the actual results only represented about 0.01% of the total energy I was investing into his growth. All these left me mentally and emotionally drained in the friendship.

Weariness in the Friendship

It got to the point where I was very frustrated. While I was moving forward in leaps in my personal life, it felt as if K was pretty much stuck in the same stage, right from when I first knew him when I was 15. Like his life was in a standstill.

I felt sad. Since K was my best friend, I wished for him to be living his life to the fullest. Wouldn’t it be great if both of us could be actively pursuing our goals and achieving success in our pursuits? Wouldn’t it be great if we could enjoy the joy of conscious living and blaze through life together? As I progressed further in my goals, our differences widened. It became harder and harder to relate to him about myself, my life, my goals. He could only be listening as a proxy rather than really connecting with what I was sharing. I felt his lack of growth was holding me back from achieving even more with my life.

In retrospect, I realized the dynamics of the friendship didn’t allow him to truly grow. He had been my support all along, enabling me come into my own as an individual. Unfortunately, this resulted in him living under my shadow. He was living vicariously through my achievements, my pursuits. He changed himself because I wanted him to do so. He bended over backwards just to make me happy. The problem was he had not found his inner self and it certainly did not help that I was unknowingly imposing myself on him.

We spent a lot of effort trying to arrive at a common point, but each time it was always a forced solution that did not address any of the fundamental issues. The same problems just kept cropping up over and over again, and we were going around in circles with our discussions. Our conversations turned into consciousness-lowering affairs rather than forwarding discussions.

Our friendship may have started off on a strong note 10 years ago, but it had evolved over the years to become one which was holding us back. It was obvious that this friendship was no longer helping us to move forward in our lives.

Deciding To End the Friendship

In March 2009 which was last year, I received a sudden flash of realization. I realized it was time to let go of the friendship.

While I felt poignant about this decision, I knew, deep down in my heart, this was necessary. It was for the better. Looking back, it was clear we had entered each other’s lives 10 years ago for a reason and this reason had been fulfilled. For me, I had grown and evolved to be a much better and stronger individual with his support. For him, he finally embarked on living a life of purpose and growth after coasting through over 30 years of his life. It was evident that it was time for us to move on and start embracing the next phase of our life.

When I shared this with him, he was extremely upset. He didn’t agree with me and violently objected to the whole notion altogether. It was over the course of the next few months that he finally came to accept what I meant. After a few chats, we finally parted ways in Oct 2009, removing each other from all our communications. If you had read my 2009 reflections post, the person I referred to in event #13 is K.

As we parted ways, we didn’t rule out the possibility of crossing paths in the future. If fate has it that we are to meet again, then we will do so in the future. But until that happens, we will walk our separate paths, fervently pursue our personal growth and live our lives to the fullest.

Recognizing We Are Connected, With or Without A Friendship

Some may feel the notion of ending a friendship is incredulous, but that really stems from their worldview of relationships. The reason why I am able to readily let the friendship go is because I see the world as one. One whole. In our physical world, we have labels such as “friends”, “BFF”, “girlfriend / boyfriend”, “wife / husband”, etc to physically define connections with one another. Yet, we are already connected with one another without these labels. Such social labels serve to give some form of definition of how we stand in accordance to who we are, but ultimately they undermine the timeless and eternal connection each of us have with one another. This connection is something that’s inherent by virtue of our existence. It expands beyond time and space and transcends social labels, social filters and people’s affirmations.

Thus, the first question you should ask yourself about troubled friendships isn’t what you should do to maintain a friendship. Rather, you should ask yourself whether this friendship is one which will truly help both you and your friend progress in both your life’s journey. If it is, then you can then think about the necessary steps to maintain the relationship. If it isn’t, then there’s no point in continuing the friendship at all. Only by letting go disempowering friendships, can you make room for new, empowering friendships to enter into your life.

How To Know When To Let A Friendship Go

Obviously, no one goes into a friendship with the intention of ending it. However, I have learned from this incident that there are times when ending a friendship is very well the best way forward, assuming that everything has already been done to work out the issues.

While the below are written in the context of friendships, they apply to all relationships as well.

1) When the friendship is causing you more anguish than joy

Do you have any friendships which seem to be causing more unhappiness than happiness? We form friendships with others to support each other to become better persons. When the friendship you are in is causing you more anguish than joy, it defeats the purpose why you are even in the friendship to begin with. Unfortunately, most people stay on in negative relationships, causing themselves lots of unhappiness in the process. If you have friendships which are causing you more pain than joy, it might be time to evaluate whether it’s worth it to hold on to them.

2) When he/she is putting in little to no effort in the relationship.

This wasn’t applicable for my situation, but there are times when dynamics of the friendship is lopsided. Say, when one person is putting in more effort than the other person. Such a situation tells you a lot about how much (or little) the friendship means to him/her. As the saying goes – It takes two hands to clap. Without the other person giving the friendship the same attention and priority to this as you are, things can never work out. Sooner than later, you’ll find yourself bending over backwards to keep this friendship afloat. In this case, the best form of respect you can give to yourself is to let the friendship go. If the other person doesn’t value this in the same way, it is pointless to continue on.

3) When the same situation/issue keeps recurring even though you tried addressing it

Where there are obstacles in the friendship, you should first try to sort out these issues with your friend. However, there may come a time when issues remain unresolved despite that. Maybe the friend doesn’t care enough about the friendship (factor #2 above). Maybe both of you are not willing to compromise. Maybe the differences are too huge to be worked out.

Whatever the reasons are, there comes a point where you have to acknowledge that these issues might very well be irreconcilable. You can continue to try to resolve them, but if they could be resolved, they would have been addressed right at the on-start. While you can pour your heart and soul into making things work out, in the long run you become a slave to the relationship.

4) When your fundamental values and beliefs are different

On the other hand, if the core values are fundamentally different, it doesn’t matter even if everything else is same. The journey to keep the relationship together will only become an uphill battle. It’s just like trying to hold the soil of the ground together in a heavy rain. Without the roots of the tree to hold this soil together, everything will just slip away against your best efforts.

For me and K, our friendship started off where we were similar in our consciousness. As I grew through the years, our fundamental philosophies no longer fit. From there, it was either we compromise on our personal growth, or we part ways to embrace our real life paths. We went for the latter.

5) When the friendship is preventing either of you from growing as individuals

A friendship is ultimately a third entity formed due to two individuals. Every friendship evolves based on how both parties are growing. Sometimes both parties grow at the same pace. There are times where the friendship is one of stagnancy, where both parties don’t grow. Then there are times when one outgrows the other, by a large margin.

When this happens, you have two options (i) change the dynamics of the friendship to fit this new development, or change yourself to maintain the same dynamics. As I shared in Factor #4, it’s most important to first be true to ourselves. Determine who you are and who you want to be, then decide if this friendship is one that is compatible with you. A friendship that hinders you from growing into your own isn’t the best one for you. On top of that, if you are not able to grow into your own, chances are your friend is facing a similar blockage as well. A real friendship should be one that enables you in your personal life journey, so you can then enable your friend and others in their life journeys as well.

Moving Forward

As all of us evolve in our own personal journeys, we will cross paths with many different people. Some will be just a brief encounter. Some will stay for a while, then leave when the intent of the encounter is served. Some will stay for an extended period of time.

Remember that physical friendships may be temporary, but the connection we have towards one another is eternal. Because of that, always ensure the friendships you are in are the ones which are enabling you in your life path. If the friendship is not enabling either party, the best way forward is to let it go.

Perhaps one day, when you guys are at a different, better place in life, you might just cross paths again. This time, both of you will be able to connect with each other on a whole different capacity altogether, leading to a different level of connection altogether.

Check out the other articles in People & Relationship series:

Articles in Dealing with People series:

Personal Excellence » letting go

[Pic] Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship, Manifesto Version

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1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you.

3. Share with your close friends.

4. Reduce contact with him/her.

5. Seek closure with him/her.

6. Forgive him/her.

7. Doing Things You Love.

8. Meeting new people.

9. Knowing there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her.

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#1. When you live in past memories more than the present.

#2. When the relationship brings you more pain than joy.

#3. When he/she expects you to change.

#4. When you stay on, expecting he/she will change.

#5. When you keep justifying his/her actions to yourself.

#6. When he/she is causing you emotional/physical/verbal hurt.

#7. When the same situation/issue recurs even though you tried addressing it.

#8. When he/she puts little to no effort in the relationship.

#9. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.

#10. When the relationship holds you back, hence preventing both of you from growing as individuals.

#11.When you stay on, expecting things to get better.

#12. When neither of you feel the same way about each other.

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Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years

How We Knew Each Other

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Pushing Him To Take Action On His Life

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Deciding To End the Friendship

Recognizing We Are Connected, With or Without A Friendship

How To Know When To Let A Friendship Go

1) When the friendship is causing you more anguish than joy

2) When he/she is putting in little to no effort in the relationship.

3) When the same situation/issue keeps recurring even though you tried addressing it

4) When your fundamental values and beliefs are different

5) When the friendship is preventing either of you from growing as individuals

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