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How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On

Celes — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 13:21:16 +0000

This is part-3 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

Note from Celes: Hey guys! Thanks so much for your beautiful comments, emails and private messages the past few days regarding parts 1 and 2 of the series. Every single one of your messages has brought a warm smile to my face. Due to requests from some readers, I’ve opened up the comments section for this post. Feel free to drop a comment after you’ve finished reading part-3. I’d love to know your thoughts on this new series.

My Journey in Moving On

© Muffet

Thinking About Him

After we parted ways, I focused on living my life. Staying away from G made it easier to move on. No more confusing signals to throw me off track. No more mind games. No more ambiguity. While I was hurt on the inside, at least now I could focus on the path of recovery rather than be left hanging in the middle of no man’s land. I was sad and disappointed that G was not the one, but I remained hopeful that my special someone was out there and I would meet him someday.

Yet, a part of me still thought about G. This tended to arise in certain moments, such as when I was by myself, when my friends talked about guys/relationships, when I saw couples together, or when I was down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness.

When I was down or out of sorts though, I would feel an urge to contact him. I remember there was a time in 2006 when my mom was in the ICU after a surgery. It was the worst period of my life – I thought she was going to die and I was going to lose my mom forever. While I was crying my eyes out at the hospital, I wished he was there with me. However, I held myself back from contacting him because I didn’t want him to see me in this state, especially not after what happened between us. Thankfully, my mom recovered a few weeks later.

There was other times when I felt troubled and wished I could seek solace in him. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding that staying away was for the better.

Occasionally he would sms me, to wish me happy birthday, share a festive greeting or on something random. Sometimes I didn’t reply, other times I just responded with a courteous message. I figured talking too much was pointless, since I wanted to draw a clear line from him. I tried to keep communication with him minimal to protect myself.

Living In A Loop

I wasn’t exactly able to maintain the distance with him though. Over the next 3 years between 2006-2008, there were two times when I contacted him. The first time was in 2006,when I just started work and I felt bogged down. The second time was in mid-2008, when I wanted to leave my ex-company to pursue my passion and I was contemplating how best to deal the situation. Looking back, these were times when I was less sure than my usual self, when I needed support. It wasn’t surprising he came to mind then, since I saw him as my pillar of support in the past.

Each time I contacted him, we almost immediately clicked like in the past. This was despite not being in close contact for almost a year each time. None of us mentioned the awkward incidences that led to me breaking away back in school. For the next few months, we quickly grew closer and closer, talking late in the night, emailing, meeting up frequently and just hanging out. And again, he would treat me in the same special way that was more romantic than platonic.

In all honesty, I removed the possibility of us being together when I made the decision to stay away in 2005. I had contacted him because I just wanted to talk to him, not to see if we could be together. Thus, when the whole romantic vs. platonic behavior began, I was skeptical of his intents. I kept him at an emotional distance while enjoying the friendship as it was.

However, as we talked more and went out more often, I thought perhaps things had changed since the last time. Maybe this time, he was serious. Maybe this time, it was real, you know? Maybe by not reciprocating, I was closing myself out in love. With renewed hope and faith, I decided to give this another shot. I began to respond in kind.

Yet after the initial pickup, things reached the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity – a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship relationship. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop – repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept reenacting itself, except it had no ending.

Once again, I was saddened and hurt. When it became obvious nothing was going to change, I broke away – silently this time. They say once bitten, twice shy. And third time is the charm. When this happened the third time in 2008, it finally sunk inside me that nothing was ever coming out of this friendship/relationship. I had given it (the relationship) one too many opportunities to play out and it didn’t.

With a heavy heart, in Dec 2008, I decided to move on for good this time.

(Actually in that month, I experienced 2 huge disappointments – this incident with G, and another about addressing money barriers while pursuing my passion. In Jan ’09, I wrote about how I overcame the latter disappointment. I didn’t write about G then because I wasn’t ready to. Today, I’m finally ready to do so, having gone through the realizations below that have helped me move on.)

Realizations that Helped Me Move On

© harold.lloyd

It took a long while, but I finally moved on 4 years after we first broke away in 2005. The funny thing about these past 4 years is that there were many times when I thought I had moved on during this period, only to find out afterward that I hadn’t. I’m glad to say now that majority, if not all, of this episode is now behind me. For sure, this didn’t happen overnight – it was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally put the past behind me.

Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me

Regardless of how his actions were romantic vs. platonic, ultimately I realized that if G was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. There was no need to dance around at the sidelines, not after all these years too. Not in 2005, not in 2006, and certainly not in 2008. There could be one billion and one reasons why he didn’t take further action but the fact was he chose not to do so. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did I saw things much more objectively.

Realizing He Was Not The One For Me

During the times when we were close, I saw G as my soulmate. So when it turned out nothing was coming out of the friendship/relationship, I found it difficult to see myself with someone else. Even as I went out with other guys, I would often compare them with G. My preset bias made it difficult for guys to measure up against him, so as a result I turned my back on other guys.

But then I realized if G was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again, each time culminating to the exact same ambiguity. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted to the same end. To have it happen once was enough – but to have it happen three times, staggered across different time periods – it proved beyond any doubt nothing could come out of this. I kept trying to look beyond but it was a dead end. A dead end. There was nothing beyond. I finally realized that G was not the one for me at all.

Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes

Deep down, I hated G for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? Why did he keep quiet when I confronted him? Why did he continue on behaving that way even after I told him to stop it?

No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed this trust. All the promises he made in the past were just empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was resentful.

Beyond that… I was angry at myself. If he was supposedly a jerk, then I was angry I even allowed myself to be fooled by a jerk. If he was irresponsible, I was angry I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I had let myself get hurt. I had let myself down.

Last year (3 months ago in Dec 2009), I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him… and myself. I was dragging the past emotional baggage around like a dead carcass all this while, punishing myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself.

After I realized this, interestingly, I experienced some inner resistance in me. It was as if I didn’t want to let it go, like I didn’t feel it was fair to forgive him after what he had put me through. But then I asked myself “So do you want to carry around this whole baggage instead? And think that you are making him pay when you are really just punishing yourself?” Upon hearing this, it took a few seconds before I consciously decided to let go of the hate. The anger. The resentment. I suddenly realized I had been so silly, holding on to all of these for so long, never ever realizing that I was really just the only person suffering the whole time. When I finally let them go, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt lighter immediately, like some invisible weight was lifted. It was liberating.

Letting Him Know the Truth

A closure couldn’t take place if he didn’t even know what had been happening all this while. I thought he deserved to know the full story all these years. I felt I should bring to his awareness the implications of his actions, for his own journey of growth, and for the well-being of whoever is in his life / crosses his life in the future. What he decides to do after that is his personal choice.

So in same month of Dec ’09, I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the key events that happened between us, starting from 2005. From when I liked him, to breaking away, to living in a loop for the few years, to breaking away again in 2008. I told him how I felt he was irresponsible in his communications. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.

I didn’t expect him to reply. To be honest, it really didn’t matter at all because the email came from a moral obligation to let him know the truth of what had been going on, rather than to get an answer. Whether he answered or not, or whatever his answer was, didn’t matter anymore as I had put this behind me.

If you want to know, he replied within the day, expressing surprise at the contents of the email. He gave his side of the story, saying since we were in university, he really admired me, my passions, courage and my values. He said he also found me to be caring, smart and pretty. Because of that, he really liked spending time with me. Back then, he was unsure of whether to pursue the relationship romantically, but ultimately decided what he really wanted was for us to stay as good friends. He explained I always had a special place, which was why he always treated me exceptionally different from other people. At the end, he apologized for the hurt he had caused me.

His answer helped draw light on the events of the past few years. I replied back, thanking him for the apology and that I had accepted it. I was thankful that the loop was finally broken. #14 of my key highlights for 2009 was actually referring to this.

Living For Myself

© rebecca-lily

The final closure I needed was with myself.

Regardless of the multiple hypotheses I had on why G and I were not together, I had always concluded it was because I wasn’t good enough. If I was good enough, he would have wanted to be with me. While I stopped liking G since a long time ago, the fact that he didn’t want to be with me was a subconscious block. It was no longer about why G and I couldn’t be together. It became an issue with why G didn’t want to be with me. Was it something wrong with me? Was I not good enough to be with? This experience left a huge dent in my self-esteem.

This belief that I wasn’t good enough enveloped me like a quiet shroud. Consciously, I was sure of myself and my capabilities. Subconsciously, I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I was not deserving of love, that I was ugly, fat, unworthy, critical, judgmental, not feminine enough, etc.

Because of that, I went on a marathon to improve myself these past few years. I kept thinking I was not good enough to be with someone. I worked on improving my temper. I cultivated patience. I became a kinder person, putting myself in others’ shoes and to be caring more for them. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be less critical and more encouraging. I tried to be more feminine, dainty, quiet and demure, against my natural demeanor where I was more open, forthcoming and earnest.

While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I would feel inadequate after a while, being overly self-critical and pinpointing how I could be better. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a month ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then?

I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough”. Pretty, short, petite, demure, quiet, kind, reactive, feminine, dependent, relenting, etc…. It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for G, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities then? Would I be together with G?

Maybe.

Would G be happy?

Probably.

Would I be happy?

The answer hit me with a quiet “thud“.

No.. I wouldn’t be happy.

It struck me that even if I became a girl that G would like or what I thought G would like, it wouldn’t matter – Because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. For what it is worth, that list is probably inaccurate. The point is, I was trying to change to fit into what I thought G or somebody else would like. Changing for that reason wouldn’t have gone anywhere far because I would never be happy that way. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.

Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion

With the realization above, that was when it finally clicked that the relationship between G and me had been a mental illusion all along. Subconsciously, a part of me thought G and I would be together if I turned myself into Person X (with the X list of traits G was looking for). But the truth is, I can never be Person X. More importantly, I don’t want to be Person X. It is not what I see myself evolving into. This is not what I see to be in line with my growth, my life, my destiny.

Since the relationship between G and I can only exist if I’m Person X, in reality this relationship can never exist because I can never be Person X, nor do I want to be Person X.

It was a simple, yet powerful realization. When I realized that, it felt a veil that had been covering me all these years had finally been lifted from my head. I felt the fog around me was gone. I had finally freed myself from the mental shackles I had put on myself all along.

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next

Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 5 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been living under the shadow of this relationship all these years.

Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.

I’m glad to have finally gained closure on this and with myself after all these years. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The ones we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If you want to attract new possibilities, you need to first release the old baggage you are hanging on to.

Right now, some of you may be in an ambiguous relationship and not know what to do. Some of you may be in broken relationships. Some of you may be thinking of whether to return to a past relationship which didn’t end off well. Some of you may be trying to move on from an unhappy past relationship.

Many of us are usually not aware when they should be moving on – I was in this exact same situation. Part-4 of the series is here: 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship. It’s over 3,500 words long – I’ve spent deep thought writing this and I hope it will help you find out if it’s time for you to move on in your relationship.

How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness

Celes — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:00:05 +0000

This is part-2 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

A Standstill

© Antediluvial

The strange thing was, while G constantly hinted his interest in me, nothing ever happened beyond that. For several months, we trod on the very thin line that segmented close friends from a couple. Many of our coursemates thought we were a couple because we were so close. For what it was worth, I subconsciously thought so too, just that it wasn’t officialized.

I never took any overt action because I belonged to the old school thinking when it came to love. I didn’t think I should initiate anything if it was socially recognized that guys should take the lead. I guess more importantly, I wanted to protect my pride.

However, the lack of progress on the situation baffled and frustrated me. I asked myself: “Why isn’t he doing anything? What is stopping him? What exactly is he waiting for?”

An Earnest Confession

Not one to hang around with no end in sight, I finally decided to take a step forward. By then, we were 3rd year students and knew each other for 3 semesters. I was about to graduate soon, and if nothing happened we would be off in our separate paths. Since his behavior clearly indicated interest in me, I figured there was nothing to lose.

So, one day after school, we were walking in the campus alone. I mustered my courage and indirectly told him I liked him. Then, I waited for his response with abated breath.

What happened next left me completely bewildered. He didn’t say anything. No reply, nothing. It was totally unlike him at all.

In my heart, I panicked. In a bid to do damage control, I said something to cover up the silence, something about how I liked him because I thought he liked me, and if he didn’t like me then it was okay and it didn’t matter. He didn’t reply to that either.

I forgot what happened next, but the conversation suddenly went into a different tangent, about the future, life after school, etc. In that hour long conversation, he was back to his usual self, but he never addressed any of my earlier comments about liking him. Neither did he clarify whether he liked me or not.

At the end of the day, he sent me off at the bus stop, where I boarded my usual bus. In that 45 minute bus journey home, I was left in a state of confusion, shock and disappointment.

Confusion

Seriously, I didn’t know what to make out of it.

So did he like me or not? If he did why didn’t he say anything? Maybe he didn’t like me then. But wait – how could that be? There were clear signs he liked me, such as how he treated me, the things he said to me, and most important of all, our common friend’s confirmation. If this wasn’t interest, what was?

I was very confused. Very, very confused. I went over our experiences together and analyzed them one by one. I thought of all the possibilities behind his non-response. Maybe he liked me but he didn’t know how to take it forward? Maybe he was held back by reasons I was not privy to. Maybe I was wrong all along and he never did like me! Maybe… maybe he already liked someone else? Maybe he thought I was not good enough for him. Maybe I was not his type of girl. Maybe he was looking for a Christian (he was a devoted Christian) and I wasn’t. Hey, maybe he was being an asshole and he was leading me all this while to cheat my feelings. Maybe this was just his game and I was a toy in it.

Maybe… maybe… maybe. 1,001 maybes went through my head. Each was a possibility. Yet at the end of it, all I had were maybes. There were no concrete answers to unravel my confusion.

Heartbreak

Image ©

You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor.

For the first time, I felt my heart, break. Here was the guy who promised me he would never let me get hurt, who said he would earn my trust, who said he would always be there for me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the same guy who hurt me the most. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.

Many people knew me as a strong girl, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.

And for the most part, I did. On the outside, I dealt with it very well, appearing unfazed. I seemingly moved on with little downtime.

But inside me, was a little girl: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this guy, trusted him, fell for him, and this happened. I thought I at least deserved an explanation for what was going on. But I didn’t even get that. All I had were questions, a bunch of hypotheses, and no answers. I felt like some kind of fool, like I had been played around with. I felt worthless, like a piece of shit.

G was such a great guy. Ultimately, I recognized he had the opportunity to express his feelings but he didn’t. Either he didn’t like me or he didn’t like me enough to want to bring it forward. It was as simple as that. I thought maybe he didn’t like me because I wasn’t attractive, because I was tall and most guys preferred shorter girls, that I was too critical, that I was not feminine, that I was not well-tempered, that I was too forthright as a person, and a whole list of other shortcomings about me. I concluded that if he didn’t like me, it was because I wasn’t good enough.

Trying To Move On

Not wanting to be a loser who hung on even when the other person was not interested, I decided to let him go and start afresh. I stopped thinking of him as a romantic partner, saw him as just a good friend, and decided to continue this friendship with this new understanding. Having undergone a rollercoaster of emotions the past week, I thought it was the end of this episode.

Except it wasn’t. After the fateful day, he continued to behave like it was more than a friendship. I couldn’t fathom why he was still doing it if he didn’t like me. I mean, what the heck was wrong with him? First I gave him the chance to express his interest, and he didn’t. Then as I was trying to move on, there he was, preventing me from doing so. Was he having fun screwing around with my mind?

I confronted him about his behavior a few times. Whenever he did it, I told him to “Stop it” or asked “Why are you saying/doing this?”. Each time, he either feigned ignorance or kept quiet. And the same behavior continued afterward.

I hated him for doing this. Either he treated this like a proper friendship or moved it forward into a relationship. I couldn’t live in this ambiguity. I felt he was irresponsible in his actions and his words. Deep down, I resented him for that.

Deciding To Stay Away From Him

Since it didn’t seem he was going to stop his odd behavior, I decided to stay away from him. It was time to start my life on a fresh note.

At the end of 2005, I told him we should reduce contact for the aforementioned reasons. Again, he kept quiet. I took that as an affirmation.

So in our next semester (also my last semester in school), we didn’t take any classes together. We barely saw each other and our communication was at a minimum. I continued to do well in my last semester of studies and graduated from university. After that, I had a few months of break before I started my job in my ex-company. He continued with his final year in school, proceeding to work after that.

I had entered university full of hope and enthusiasm in 2003, thinking I might meet my special someone there. I never expected to have my heart broken instead. A part of me was filled with wistfulness, melancholy and sadness. I thought graduation in 2006 represented a final closure to this chapter. I thought I could finally make a clean cut and finally put all this behind me.

As it turned out, moving on wasn’t as easy as I thought. It would take 4 years and several inner realizations before I finally gained the closure I needed to properly move on.

This is part-2 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships. Continue on to Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On.