Have you ever been molested before? I have, and today’s article is about how to handle molestations.

My Molestation Encounter

Last week, I was on Amtrak (the railway network in US), going from New York City to Los Angeles. It was a 3-day train ride (Jan 5-8), with a transit in Chicago.

Not all the passengers were going from NYC to LA. There were multiple stopovers, where passengers would depart, and new passengers who would get onboard. This meant I was sitting with different people throughout the ride. I was in the coach cabin, with an aisle and 2 seats on each aisle.

On the first night, there was someone seated beside me, so I slept on my seat. While the seat itself was fairly spacious, could recline a fair bit and came with plenty of legroom, it was not as comfortable as sleeping on an actual bed. I made the best out of the space given, curling up in my seat, while the person beside me did the same too.

On the second night, after transiting in Chicago, it turned out there was no one seated beside me for the night. So I occupied both seats and used them as a bed. It was as comfortable as it could get without a bed, so all was good.

On the third night, the seat beside me got taken up again. I thought “Oh well, bummer” and simply prepared myself for another night of less-comfortable sleep.

It would turn out that was the least of my problems, for the person seating beside me turned out to be a disgusting creep who wanted to molest me.

Having My Rights Violated

It first started off benign, where he extended beyond the boundary of his seat, taking up a part of my seat. The cabin seats were separate with a small divider between each seat, so it was quite obvious when the spatial boundary was crossed.

Thinking he was asleep and it was a careless mistake, I squeezed towards the other end of my seat, so there would be a comfortable distance between me and him.

Following my movement, the guy adjusted himself and went back within the spatial boundary of his seat. He even asked me if he had laid on my jacket (he did – his hand had rested on my jacket when he crossed the boundary of his seat), of which I said no, out of courtesy. However, he knew otherwise, because he apologized for it anyway and told me to tell him if it happened again. Everything was good.

But after a few minutes, the same thing happened again. He crossed the line separating his and my seats, and occupied a part of my seat again.

I thought perhaps he needed more space, but it didn’t make sense because he was of normal build (he was not huge nor obese), and the seat definitely provided him with more than enough space, as it did for me.

I felt stifled, but didn’t do/say anything because everyone else was sleeping in the cabin, and I didn’t want to wake anyone up (it was dead quiet).

In reaction to this, I squeezed into the other end of my seat again, so I could keep him at a safe distance.

It was peaceful for 10-15 minutes. The guy laid still the whole time, so I thought he was asleep. “Perhaps it was just an honest mistake on his part”, I thought. I tried to fall asleep.

But all of a sudden, I felt something touching my right thigh – repeatedly. Looking down, imagine my bewilderment when I saw the guy stroking my thigh with his hand – *through* the 2 thick coats separating us! He was using his coat as his blanket, and I was using my coat as my blanket. I couldn’t see his hand since it was under his coat, but it was obvious that (a) it was a deliberate action (b) it was his hand.

I was shocked. The situation was so audacious that I thought it must have been an honest mistake. Here was a guy in his early 20s, who seemed well groomed and well mannered, and in no way looked like a malicious individual, trying to have his way with me. I thought to myself: “Are you kidding me? What made him think he could do this and get away with it?”

Note we were complete strangers to each other, and had not spoken at all prior to this, save for 1-2 word exchanges (“Sure; Thank you; You’re welcome”) where I helped plug in his charger into power socket beside my seat. He boarded the train at about 9pm, just an hour before night time. I was not, in any way, interested in him, and had definitely not done anything which would remotely suggest that.

Not knowing what to do, I laid still to see what was going to happen next. The guy continued stroking my thigh for about 30-45 seconds, after which -hear this- he started to lift *MY* coat, to reach out for my thigh!! (Thank god I was wearing pants!)

At this point, it was *clearly* a deliberate act. In my mind, I thought “What the f***?”. Not wanting to create a commotion but not intending for the offending act to continue, I quickly moved my legs away from his offensive hand.

The guy didn’t relent, however. He persisted with his touching with each shift I made. Each time, he would stroke my thigh for a short while, before trying to lift up my coat with his fingers. This happened at least 5 times, before I finally thought enough was enough. I wasn’t about to spend the night beside this sex pervert – god knows what he would do to me while I was asleep.

So at 1am (2 hours after it first started, at about 11pm), I moved myself to the train lounge, where I slept there – safely – for the night.

Understanding My Resistances

Throughout the encounter, it did not cross my mind to report him to the train attendant. When I questioned myself why, the following answers came up:

• Because I didn’t want to embarrass him for committing such an offensive act.
• Because I felt bad for him (for stooping to such a lowly action) and I didn’t want to make his life worse than it already was. If he was charged with an offence, it may ruin his life.
• Because if I called him out on it, it would attract attention to both of us and create a commotion around us, which I didn’t want to be a part of.
• Because I didn’t want to disturb the other people in the cabin, who were sleeping or trying to sleep.
• Because I felt there was no hard evidence I had against him, other than what I felt/saw, which he could easily disclaim.
• Because maybe I was imagining the whole thing and he wasn’t trying to take advantage of me. (Definitely not true.)
• Because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to believe he was a decent human being with no ill-intentions.

This wouldn’t be the first time this happened to me too. There have been other times in the past when I was molested, but did not call out on the offender because of the exact same reasons. For example, when I was in university, and some guy molested me by brushing really hard against my hips – and running away after that (I didn’t even get to see his face). When I was on the subway this one time, and this guy tried to touch my breasts while pretending he needed more space. When I was jogging in the park one night a year ago, and this kid molested me by grabbing my butt from behind – twice, and ran away with his friends after that.

Molestation in Our Society Today

“Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is the forcing of undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. When that force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The term [...] covers any behavior by any adult towards a child to stimulate either the adult or child sexually” (Wikipedia)

While my encounter was disturbing, I’m sure many girls (and even guys) today have been molested at least once in their life – with far worse encounters than mine.

Do you know that one out of every three women worldwide is physically, sexually or otherwise abused during her lifetime with rates reaching 70 percent in some countries? (Source: Women Thrive) While females tend to be the gender more prone to sexual abuse, I’m sure there are victims among males too, especially kids.

And the thing that’s sadder than this? That like mine, many of these abuse cases don’t get reported. In fact, the offenders usually get away scot-free, because the victims feel too traumatized to pursue the perpetrator. They opt for the quiet route, where they hide the offence and suffer in silence.

There are many types of molestation. From Wikipedia’s page on molestation, below is a list of actions considered sexual abuse (not limited to this):

• Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior (rape and sexual assault).
• Unwanted touching, either of a child or an adult.
• Sexual kissing, fondling, exposure of genitalia, and voyeurism, exhibitionism and up to sexual assault.
• Exposing a child to pornography.
• Saying sexually suggestive statements towards a child (child molestation).
• Also applies to non-consensual verbal sexual demands towards an adult.
• The use of a position of trust to compel otherwise unwanted sexual activity without physical force (or can lead to attempted rape or sexual assault).
• Incest (see also sexual deviancy).
• Certain forms of sexual harassment.

How To Handle Molestation: Helping You to Help Yourself, and to Help Others

After the episode, I thought what I experienced has to be something many girls (and guys) face every day. Being molested, or even abused, but not knowing what to do about it.

Molesting and sexual abuse is not unlike bullying. In fact, it’s worse in some ways, because sexual violation can cause deeper trauma than we may realize. I decided to write this article to help us stand up against these perpetrators, as it is clearly an unacceptable phenomenon.

I now present to you this guide to help you deal with sexual offenders. You will find the resurfacing of some tips from How To Handle Bullying Guide. That’s because molestation is a form of bullying. It’s an abuse of rights, thereby inflicting harm on others. God knows how many girls/guys suffer in silence today about such violations.

It’s time to call out such perpetrators and put a stop to this. Let us commit to each other to follow the steps in this guide the next time we become prey to these offenders. Let us promise to call out these people if we ever witness such violations committed to others.

If you are a parent, please show this to your daughters. If you are a sibling to sisters, please share this with your sisters. If you are a husband or boy/girlfriend, please share this with your wife/girlfriend. If you have female friends, please pass this link on to them. Even if you have sons/brothers/boyfriends/guy friends, please share this with them too, because hey – guys can be victims to sexual perpetrators too.

1. Know your rights

Many sexually abused victims keep quiet because (1) they see the event as shameful, even though they are the victim (2) they feel they have nothing (no evidence) against the offender (3) they don’t want to cause trouble (for others) (4) they don’t want to ruin the offender’s life (5) they feel it’s somehow their fault that this happened.

Unfortunately, this is what the offender preys on – your kindness, your fear, your insecurity, your self-doubt. And that’s why they dare to commit these sexual demeanors, because they know with people like you, they can get away with them.

If you share similar perceptions as I did, here’s a wake up call:

1. Shameful act. There is nothing shameful about being the victim to such offences. The people who should be ashamed are these offenders. They are the ones inflicting pain on others. You are merely someone who happened to be caught in the crossfire.
2. Lack of evidence. It can be hard to find evidence in molestation cases, because it’s about one person’s testimony over another’s. Rather than wait till you have concrete evidence (which may be never), report it already. You don’t have to wait for evidence to report a crime. The fact that you feel uncomfortable means there is already an issue. No one should make you feel uncomfortable under any circumstance.
3. Not wanting to cause trouble. You’re not causing any trouble for others. Think about this way – Say you’re in the public, and someone calls you for help to handle a molestor. Will you think he/she is causing you trouble? Will you ask him/her to go away because he/she is being disruptive to public order? I didn’t think so either. Likewise, you aren’t causing trouble to others as well. You’re helping the public by calling out sex offenders.
4. Not wanting to ruin the person’s life. Sorry to say, but the offender should have thought of this before he/she did whatever he/she did. So yes in that his/her future is probably tarnished on some level, but he/she should have seen it coming when he/she made the decision to harrass you – despite knowing it is against the law. It’s now your turn to make your decision and protect yourself and the society (see next point) from such people.
5. Thinking it’s your fault. How is it your fault if someone wants to sexually violate you? That’s crazy talk. It is not your fault. It is the result of the workings of a sexually twisted individual. Stop blaming yourself for that which has nothing to do with you.

2. Recognize your responsibility to future (potential) victims

Beyond standing up for yourself, recognize YOU have a responsibility to others to call out this offender on his/her offence and put him in his/her place.

While you may be molested by this person as an one-off encounter, the problem extends beyond that. Molestation isn’t just between you and the molester. It’s between the offender and the society at large. You have an obligation to the society to put him/her in place, as part of keeping the world a safer place for others.

By letting the perpetrator go scot-free, there may well be many more victims after you. Many sex offenders start off with a small, petty offence. The molester will think that it’s okay for him/her to do this, that he/she can get away with whatever he/she is doing, and molest more people after you. Not only that, he/she may become bolder the next time with his/her actions – well leading to sexual harrassment, sexual assault, or perhaps even rape.

Don’t make yourself responsible for the cultivation of a serial sexual predator in the society. Report him/her right away.

3. Take immediate action

If you feel you’re being molested, take action right away. Don’t wait until the person does something else, because that might be one step too late. Contact the authorities (#4), ask someone for help (#5), relocate yourself (#6), use your self-defense weapons (#7).

4. Seek the help of an authority

Who are the immediate authorities you can contact? Seek their help. If you’re on the train, call the train attendants. If you’re on the flight, call for the air steward/stewardess. If you’re on the bus, get the bus driver. If you’re in school, inform the teachers, principal and counselors. All other places – call the police. Always have the contact of the local police department saved in your phone.

When contacting the authority, let him/her know that the person molested / tried to molest you. Detail the situation clearly, from start to end. Do not let the molester intimidate you; Do not let him/her speak over you too. Remember, this is your right (see #1).

5. Seek the help of someone near you

Traveling has helped me discover a lot of good samaritans in our world today. While some people may be caught up in themselves, and some people may well refuse to step in even when you need their help, there are people who will gladly render assistance when you need it.

Seek the help of someone near you. Say: “Excuse me, can you help me please? I’m being sexually harassed by someone.” Most people will intervene at this point and help you out. If the person doesn’t want to help for whatever reason, don’t panic. Approach someone else till you find one.

How the person can help depends on the situation itself, but it can range from contacting the authorities on your behalf, intercepting the molester in his/her actions, keeping the molester in his/her place until the authorities arrive, etc.

6. Relocate yourself

Right when you feel something is amiss, protect yourself right away by relocating yourself and keeping a safe distance between you and the person.

In my situation, I relocated to the lounge, so the molester could not reach me. Not the best solution because I paid for my train ticket and should not have to move in the first place, but it was better than staying there and risking being touched. In retrospect I should have called out the offender as part of my responsibility to others (see #2), but it’s now over, so it’ll have to be something I’ll do the next time (should there be a next time).

Staying put is equivalent to telling the offender that (1) you are okay with what he/she is doing, and that he/she should continue his/her action OR (2) he/she can continue what he/she is doing, since you are not resisting. Either way, it results in continuation of the offensive act. This is definitely NOT what you want.

If you are on the bus/train/plane, go for the aisle seat, which allows you to get away immediately in times of need. Going for the window seat means you get locked in. Believe it or not, I was actually in the window seat during the molestation encounter. It may well have been a coincidence (i.e. I’m not sure if the offender tried to touch me because I was at the window seat – I do not think so), but the fact was it would have been easier for me to escape if I was sitting in the aisle seat).

7. Use self-defense weapons

As per Tip #9 of How To Handle Bullying, I recommend getting self-defense weapons, only because we are dealing with people of extreme low consciousness who have no concept of personal space and individual rights. Use it in cases where you feel you’re in danger.

A standard will be to arm yourself with a machine gun pepper spray. Spraying it in the person’s face will disarm him/her immediately and give you an opening to escape. From Wikipedia:

Pepper spray is an inflammatory agent. It causes immediate closing of the eyes, difficulty breathing, runny nose, and coughing. The duration of its effects depends on the strength of the spray but the average full effect lasts around thirty to forty-five minutes, with diminished effects lasting for hours.

Here’s how pepper sprays look like:

You can get them pretty cheaply at Amazon (within certain states in US*):

1. Compact Pepper Spray with Key Ring ($7.25 USD) – 25 shots, can be used as key chain
2. Jogger Pepper Spray with Hand Strap ($8.50 USD) – 35 shots, can be strapped on hand for walking/jogging

*Just in case some readers are not aware, pepper sprays are illegal in DC, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York or Wisconsin. It’s also stated on the Amazon page that it cannot be shipped to those places.

8. Take preventive actions

Prevention is always better than cure. Here are some tips to follow to prevent being caught in such situations:

• Watch your dressing. It’s okay to dress up if you want, but always have a jacket to cover yourself up. If you’re commuting across quiet, dangerous places, tone down your dressing. Show less skin and go for dull, darker colors. There’s no need to attract attention to yourself.
• Avoid quiet, danger-prone areas. Whether you are going out or going jogging, avoid dark areas, quiet parks,  dark alleys, short cuts that no one takes, etc – regardless of how safe you think it may be. You never know if there is anyone laying in ambush there.
• Get home before it’s too late. What’s “too late” is dependent on the neighborhood you live. You should get back before the roads and walkways quieten down for the day. Otherwise, have someone escort you home.
• Travel in the company of others. If you’re traveling, it’s best to do so with others, ideally groups.
• Let others know of your whereabouts. If traveling with others is not an option (like in my case), then always let someone know your whereabouts. Make new friends/acquaintances in the region, and keep them updated on where you are going / where you will be. This way, they can watch out for you.

Do you have any encounters with molestation or sexual abuse? Do you have any advice on dealing with sexual predators? Please share them below.

Remember that this is a safe place for us to discuss this openly without judgment or condemnation by anyone. I’ll personally step in and delete / block inappropriate comments made by anyone.

Images: Girl, Girl #2, Girl #3, Police, Pepper Sprays 

Related Posts

• How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide
• How To Deal With Rude People – Co-Workers, Associates, Customers, Managers, etc
• How To Deal With Rude People – Part 2
• How To Deal With Rude People – Part 3

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2. 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
3. 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
4. How To Deal With Dishonest People
5. How To Deal With Rude People (3-part series)
6. 10 Tips To Make New Friends
7. How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide

Have you ever been bullied before, whether as a kid, teenager, or adult?

What did you do about the bullying situation? Did you let it go? Did you stand up for yourself? Did you suffer in silence? Did you seek help from others?

Today’s article is an important, 6,600+ word guide on how to handle bullying.

Bullying

What constitutes bullying? Here’s what Wikipedia has to say:

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, which may manifest as abusive treatment, the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when habitual and involving an imbalance of power. It may involve verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed persistently towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.

The “imbalance of power” may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a “target”.

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation.

There are various contexts where bullying behavior can manifest. Some examples:

• Relationships – From one partner to another partner.
• Household – From one spouse to another spouse; From parent to child; From guardian to child; From child/parent to grandparents; From landlords to tenants.
• School – From the seniors to the juniors; From the “in” crowd to the “out” crowd; From more popular, well-regarded students to less popular ones; From teachers to students.
• Friends - In high school cliques, there’s usually a “leader” within the clique. This leader may abuse the power and bully the new or lesser members of the clique.
• Workplace - From a manager to an employee; In a work team towards a newcomer.
  
• Prison – From police to inmates; From one inmate to another.

In each bullying situation, there are 2 parties involved – the bully, and the victim. For bullying to take place, there has first to be (a) an imbalance in power (b) abuse of that power, which subsequently results in the infliction of pain on the victim, whether emotional or physical.

My Encounter with Bullying

Last week, I traveled in from UK to US, for a conference. When I was at the immigrations, I experienced treatment which have not faced since I was a kid. In fact, I would categorize what happened as pretty much bullying.

As some of you may know, I was recently invited to present at the Wharton conference, in Philadelphia. Since this would be my first time in the states, I decide to make the best out of my trip and stay on for 3 months (88 days, really), so I could experience US in its entirety.

As a Singaporean, I am eligible to stay in US for 90 days or below without a visa, for either tourism or business purposes, under the Visa Waiver Program (VWP). This is provided eligibility requirements are met. For all intents and purposes of this trip, I meet the requirements.

Even though I was upfront about my 88-day long trip, I was deemed as a suspicious entrant, which was fine, since I reckon it’s probably uncommon that visitors that long. So, the officers from Customs and Border Protection (CBP) called me to a private room for further questioning.

Update: One of the readers, Alireza, has informed me that the officers in question are from Customs and Border Protection (CBP) and not Transportation Security Administration (TSA). He shared a helpful guide on how to differentiate between CBP and TSA:

TSA are not police (or, as Americans like to call them, law enforcement officers), rather they are civilian employees tasked with doing airport security screening (x-raying bags, operating metal detectors, operating those disgusting machines that radiate people while looking through their clothes).

CBP are a federal police organization that is tasked with immigration and customs activities. The CBP have significantly more (though not absolutely limitless) power than the TSA (who can basically just waste your time). Indeed, they have more power in their little realm than just about any police group in the US. 

An easy way to tell between them is where they are. If at the airport security line, its the TSA. If in immigration/customs halls, its CBP. Also, TSA have more of a “true” blue uniform, while CBP uses a midnight color.

However, this was when things went downhill. It would be almost an hour before I was let out.

Inside the CBP Office

It first started with casual questions, where the officer fired me a series of standard questions, like how long I was planning to stay in US, what I was doing there, why I was planning to stay for so long, who I was going to stay with, how I knew the person, how long I knew the person, what the person’s name was, and so on.

The attitude was not exactly amiable, but tolerable.

The first incivility took place when the officer wanted to know the number of the person I was staying with in US. As I had it on paper, I reached into my bag and took out my stack of documents to look for it.

Before I could do anything further though, the officer, instead of taking down the number he had asked for, reached his hand across the table, took the documents forcefully, and started looking through them, one by one – without seeking permission.

None of the documents were meant for the officer, save for one where I printed my friend’s details on. Not only did he ignore my protest to stop browsing through the papers, he went right into a string of questions about its content, which I found highly invasive.

Bizarre Accusations

Because some of the papers were of the Wharton conference which I was attending, the officer somehow concluded I was planning to stay in US for good. He also concluded I was planning to set up my business there. Except that I wasn’t:

1. I only planned to stay in the States for 88 days. I already had a return ticket booked in early Feb (departing from Philadelphia to outside America), 88 days from the point of my entry in US. I had no intentions to stay in US beyond 90 days, because it is not legally allowed and I am a law abiding citizen.
2. The key objectives of my trip would be to: (a) experience US (b) make new friends and connections – just like what I had been doing in Europe prior to my US visit. I would also be speaking at a conference, for one day out of the 88 days I would be there. These objectives are in line with what is outlined in VWP, which waives the need for a visa for a trip that’s for tourism or business purpose, if it’s lesser than 90 days.
3. Under the VWP, I wouldn’t need a visa for my trip. I have to meet the eligibility requirements to qualify for the waiver, which I do.

What ensued was a series of absolutely bizarre interrogation and accusations:

• I was erroneously accused of intending to set up my business in US and to stay in US beyond 3 months in my trip, despite my attempts to explain otherwise. They refused to acknowledge my departure ticket as evidence (booked 88 days from my point of entry into US) because “flights can be changed”.
• I was repeatedly threatened to be charged with fraud unless I told the “truth” (even though I was already telling the truth).
• My luggage, handbags, laptop bag, wallet, papers, and name cards were seized and searched.
• My mobile phone was confiscated and private messages looked through without my permission. People on my contact list were also contacted without permission.
• I was told to “admit” that I was going to stay in US beyond 3 months and that I was going to set up my business there (even though this was not the truth), else I would be charged with fraud, deported back to Singapore right away and permanently barred from ever entering the States.
• I was, on numerous occasions, cut off in my attempts to explain myself. In one of my attempts to speak, one officer cut me off with this: “Look, LISTEN. I’ve been doing this for YEARS. I know when people are coming to live in America and when people aren’t. You ARE coming to LIVE here. You better tell the truth or it’s going to be a lot worse for you.” (Ironically she really was wrong.)
• I was repeatedly accused of lying despite what I said. (Which I considered highly slanderous because my entire career and life is based around honesty and truth.)
• I was perfectly polite and compliant throughout the whole exchange, while their attitude toward me was very abrasive and uncivil.

State of Powerlessness

For the first time in my life, I felt like a prisoner. Suddenly I felt I was transported to an alternate universe where personal rights or basic civility did not exist.

I still remember my hands and knees were shaking inside the booth toward the later half of the interrogation, even though I was overall calm, composed, and holding my own despite the threats. While I looked like I was unfazed, I was terrified on the inside.

When I questioned myself on why I was shaking, I realized it was because I felt powerless.

1. While basic civility and personal rights was a given in the modern society we live in, this did not apply behind the closed doors, inside the booth. I could not rely on the standard behavioral norms in my interactions with them. The things they said and behavior they rendered to me were out of line when benchmarked against what’s considered normal, civil behavior.
2. I had an agenda laid out before me for the next 3 months – to speak at the conference, to travel and experience new cities and cultures, to meet new people and make new connections. These were important to me. However it seemed like they could easily wipe away all of that at their whim. They repeatedly threatened to deny me entry and deport me back to Singapore, despite the fact that there was no concrete evidence to support their claims. As authorities with power invested in them by the government and people, it felt they were misusing their power. (Whether they were really able to do that is a different matter altogether)
3. I have been a law abiding citizen (of the world) all my life, and will continue to be. To suddenly be accused of fraud and threatened to be incriminated with fraud when I had committed nothing of the sort, by people who were supposedly representatives of the law and supposed to use the power they were vested with to help fellow world citizens including me, was shocking.
4. There appeared to be no objective checklist behind the incrimination claims. The accusation of fraud, and threats to incriminate me with fraud, seemed to spring from highly subjective evaluation, whereby the evaluation was by them.
5. Despite what I did or said, I was disregarded. At the crux of the interrogation, it was my word against theirs, and because they were official authorities and were legally recognized to have more power over me, anyone else could have listened to their words and took what they said over what I was trying to say.

After what seemed like ages (almost an hour, give or take), I was finally released after my friends were individually contacted and were able to verify my story.

At the end of it all, the officer begrudging stamped my passport, flippantly passed it back to me, with a disgruntled “Have a nice day”, without bothering to look at me in the eye.

There was no apology given for the poor treatment and false accusations that took place in that one hour. It almost felt like they could do whatever they wanted to do and get away with it, because they were the official authorities, with power vested by the state.

Aftermath: Reflecting About What Happened

After the encounter, I was bumped out. My first day (and first time) in the States, and I was on the receiving end of poor, condescending treatment. I was not even at my destination yet (it was a stopover), and I had sat through a long 8.5 hour flight prior to that. It was definitely not a pleasant situation to be in.

As I hung out at a cafe while waiting for my next flight, I thought over the encounter and tried to make sense of it. I realized that my biggest discomfort with what happened was:

1. There was an imbalance of power. As the immigration authorities, they had the power to deny me entry, at their discretion. I had no say in the matter.
2. The power was abused with the repeated threats, false accusations and poor mannered treatment. It didn’t matter what I said or did; it was disregarded. They only wanted to hear me “confess” to X, when the problem was I did not even do X.
3. My rights as an individual was not respected. They were looking into my private possessions without permission, i.e. my mobile phone, my private messages, and my personal documents. They also searched my luggage, handbags, laptop bag, and wallet without permission.
4. There was no objective fulcrum I could rely on. The encounter was entirely subjective. It was their insistence against my words. Even objective facts like my proof of  my business registration (which is based in Singapore) and my departure flight (88 days from my point of entry) were disregarded. Nothing I said mattered to them.

It was disappointing. Certainly, there was no need for them to use their authority to bully me? I would have gladly cooperated regardless of what they said – and I was already openly compliant from the very beginning of the exchange.

While I have never been held at the booth at the Singapore Immigration nor do I have any non-Singaporean friends caught in the situation before, I’m very sure the Singapore Immigration Authorities would never render such treatment to a foreigner here. I was extremely disappointed in the US immigrations for the way they had treated me, an eager and first-time tourist, of the country. There was not even anger; just disappointment.

It had been a while since I felt trapped, powerless and helpless the way I did. The last time I felt this way was when I was very young, about 6-7 years old, when this boy in my neighborhood would extort candy from me. It eventually ended after a couple of months, when my mom interrupted one of the exchanges, by accident.

Ever since then, I never had to face situations where the other party had power over me. At least, not situations I couldn’t already manage. If I ever encountered such situations, I would either (a) find ways to empower myself over the bully (b) strategically tackle the situation or (c) exit the situation. Obviously it was different in my encounter with the CBP – none of the methods were applicable.

Bullying: How Can We Handle It?

So how can we handle bullying?

Dynamics of Bullying: Understanding the Bully and Target

Bullying is a oppressive situation to be in – one that results in fear, trepidation, anxiety, or even shame.

For the bully, he/she comes from a very low consciousness level. He/she knows he/she has power over the target (whether physical or social), and he/she uses that power to get what he/she wants from the target. It’s a low consciousness act because it relies on force to achieve the outcome. (Force here does not necessarily mean physical force, though it can be. Force refers to any action that’s rooted in fear rather than love.)

For the target, he/she experiences fear due to the encounter. Bullies induce their targets into low consciousness levels such as fear, grief, guilt, or even shame, in order to extract their desired outcome. The tactics they use can include manipulation, coercion, humiliation, or even abuse.

For example in my situation, the CBP threatened to charge me with fraud, deport me back to my home country and permanently bar me from ever entering the States, unless I said what they perceived to be the truth (even though it wasn’t the truth). This is an coercive act, because they were oppressing me to do something via threatening me with an alternative, worse-off scenario they could do by way of their authority. There was no neutral agent to objectify or mediate between either of our claims.

Implications of Bullying

Targets of bullying often face deep rooted trauma from the bullying which lasts long after the bullying incident is over.

This trauma can exist in the conscious state, where the victim lives in fear every day, even though he/she is no longer in any physical danger.

This trauma can also be embedded subconsciously, where the victim is affected by the incident without being aware of it. The emotional trauma may manifest itself from time to time in dreams, sudden flashes, self-debilitating thoughts, or sudden emotional surges.

Addressing Bullying

I’m not sure if there is a perfect solution to tackle bullying, because each situation is different and the dynamics vary a lot across situations. There may well be bullying situations that are impossible to get out of, simply because the bully has physical power over the target.

For example, kidnapping and abuse cases where the victim is locked up with no means to escape. Or in my case, where the bullies in question were government authorities and there was nothing I could do but hold my ground and let the situation play itself out.

These are more exceptions to the rule though. For most bully situations, we do have the power to turn them around, even though it may not seem so at first sight. We can change the outcome of the encounters based on how we react. By not letting ourselves be victims, the bullies will have no power over us.

How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide

If you are currently a victim of a bullying situation, I hope you take heed to what I have to share in this guide, and apply them to your situation so you can get out of it. If you aren’t but you know someone who might be, please share this guide with them. If this topic doesn’t apply to you, read it any way, because you never know when the steps may come in handy.

Here goes:

1. Be calm. Don’t panic

The bully gains power by instilling fear in the target. By panicking, you would be giving the bully the power to intimidate you.

While it’s easy to tell others to be calm, how can one actually remain calm in such a situation? 3 things to recognize:

1. Recognize that despite the social or physical power the bully may have over you, you do have some power over the bully. If you don’t, the bully wouldn’t have picked on you as the target. He/she wouldn’t have to resort to bullying either. The reason why he/she has to bully you is because you have power over him/her, which he wants to acquire.
2. Panicking is a cue to the bully that he/she is doing something right. Firstly, it tells him/her that you can be intimidated and he/she should continue to bully you. Secondly, it tells him/her that whatever he/she is doing is working, and it encourages him/her to continue the bullying. By panicking, you allow the bullying to perpetuate.
3. As hard as it is to believe, you can affect the outcome by how you react. Shrinking in fear will cause the situation to turn out dramatically different as compared to if you make strategic interventions during the exchange. Always bear this in mind.

Come think of it, the bullying encounter with CBP resolved itself because I maintained my stand throughout the whole exchange. I did not break a false confession despite the threats; I did not retaliate; neither did I lose my composure. I simply reiterated myself, which was I had no intention to live in the states, I was there mainly as a leisure visit, and I planned to leave before 3 months was up.

If I had panicked and “confessed” to something I didn’t do just because I was scared of them, the consequences would have been disastrous.

I had a separate encounter with the UK immigration 1 months ago which descended in poor taste because I retaliated in response to the officer’s poor attitude. Since there was a clear power imbalance, whereby he was an authority and I wasn’t, and since he had no qualms about using the authority to assert himself, he began to make intimidating statements, mainly attacking my position as a foreigner and drawing a divide between me and the British. He would respond in jest no matter what I said.

In the end, I figured out that it didn’t matter what I said. So I just kept quiet and stood through his attacks, after which he began to loosen up after about several minutes of poor conduct. That was when I could get through to him and he began to converse with me somewhat normally then.

(Side note: It seems my background and travel history makes me a suspicious traveler at the customs – Being a business owner, able to work anywhere in the world and not needing to be situated at my home country, single, been away from home for an extended length of time, etc. The world is still very much fixated with the notion that one has to have a job that is desk-bound and location-bound, but I believe this will change soon, in the next 3-5 years time, as the internet empowers everyone to pursue what they love to do and do it from anywhere in the world.) 

Other steps to remain calm:

• Raise your consciousness. As I mentioned above, the bully comes from a low consciousness level, usually fear, guilt or shame. He/she wants to drag you down in your consciousness level. The lower your level, the more likely you are the panic. The higher it is though, the more grounded and more unaffected you will be. Raising your consciousness keeps you out of reach of the low consciousness levels, so you won’t be affected by the fear-based tactics. For a list of useful and constructive tips on how to raise your consciousness, read: 15 Ways To Raise Your Consciousness, one of the exclusive articles in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 1.
• Ground yourself. Like a tree with deep roots into the ground, no one can shake you if you are well grounded. Read Tip #1 of How To Deal With Energy Vampires on how to ground yourself.
• Protect yourself in a bubble. Also known as shielding. Read Tip #2 of How To Deal With Energy Vampires on how to shield yourself.
• Identify the source of fear. At our resting state, we are calm. We panic because there’s a stimulus driving fear in us. If we can drill down to the cause of the fear and unravel that, we can return to our state of calmness. See Tip #10 #below.

2. Size up the situation

The bully is probably picking on you as the target because he/she recognizes he/she has some power over you. Hence, it may not be in your favor to go on the offensive at the start, because it leaves you open and vulnerable. You want to size up the situation first, make an assessment, then consider the best course of action.

Consider:

1. Who are you dealing with?
2. What is it that he/she wants from you?
3. Why is he/she bullying you?
4. Is there anything you can do about the bullying?
5. Is there anyone you can seek help from?

In Tip #1, I mentioned while the bully has power over you, you do have some power over him/her.

As long as you remain calm (Tip #1) and don’t give your power away to the bully (by not surrendering, showing fear or breaking down), you will continue to own that power.

On the other hand, when you give away your power to the bully, he/she will know that he/she can have his/her way with you. It will encourage him/her to continue the bullying because he/she knows you are a ready target. That’s when things will cross the line (if it hasn’t already been crossed), and you don’t want that.

4. Assert your stand

In line with Tip #3, be clear of your rights and boundaries. Assert your rights. Defend them. No one can make you give in if you don’t want to give in.

In asserting yourself, don’t retaliate with threats because it will agitate the bully further. Rather, approach the discussion in a calm manner.

1. Let the bully know where you stand. For example, say you are part of a social circle where one of the members keeps making fun of you. Let him/her know: “Look, you have been making fun of me for the past few weeks and I have been tolerating it. But this is becoming too much. I have my rights and I would appreciate it if you can respect it.”
2. Reiterate the facts to him/her, if you feel he/she is missing the point. For example, in my CBP encounter, the officer kept accusing me of lying over and over again. For every 1 time the officer accused me of having ulterior motives for my US trip, I would repeat my original answer. For every 1 time he threatened to charge me with fraud, I would repeat the same answer as well. In the end, the officer realized he wasn’t getting anywhere, and went to Plan B where he called the people on my list to verify what I said with them. This was when my story was affirmed to be fact, and I was released after their embarrassing hold up.
3. Inform the bully of the consequences if he/she continues treating you in the same manner. For example, if you’re dealing with a school bully, one thing you can say: “This is not acceptable behavior by the school regulations, and we both know it. If you continue doing this, I’m afraid I have to inform the teacher. If you stop this as of now though, I’m willing to let everything go.”

5. Give the bully what he/she wants (if your safety is at stake)

If your safety is at stake, then give what the bully wants. Don’t put up a resistance. For example, mugging attempts or extortions, where the bully threatens to physically harm you if you don’t surrender your physical possessions. Usually I would encourage you to find a way out, but where safety is concerned, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

You can always reacquire whatever you forgo to the bully. Loss of phone? Buy a new one. Loss of money? Just earn more money then. Treat it as a charitable donation to less fortunate people who need it more than you. There’s no need to get hung up over it.

There is a problem, however, if the bullying behavior persists beyond a one-off event. If the bully is a recurring figure in your life, and he/she constantly uses bullying to extort things from you, you want to put a stop to it, because it’s not sustainable. Check out the other tips (#3, 4, #6-10) on how to break the bullying.

6. Walk away from the situation

In most bully situations, we can walk away from it, unless it’s an extreme case like kidnapping or where you’re dealing with legal authorities like what I went through. In these cases, walking away potentially opens up a bigger set of risks, so you want to play it safe and maintain within the boundaries.

In most cases though, we can remove ourselves of our accord – we just think we can’t because the bully has created an emotional stronghold over us.

Ask yourself:

1. Why am I staying in this bullying situation? Is it because there are serious implications otherwise, or because I think there would be serious implications as a result?
2. What’s the worst thing that will happen if I walk away from this? Will it result in physical danger or any long-term implications?

If your answer to #1 has nothing to do with physical harm, and leaving will not result in any long-term implications, then you should walk away from it.

For example, a relationship partner who coerce you into staying on in the relationship. Your partner does not “own” you – you belong to yourself and you are free to choose whoever you want. You do not have to account to him/her, especially not if this is someone who disrespects your rights and coerce you into doing something against your will.

When I was a small kid, there was a guy in my neighborhood who would extort candy from me (same example I mentioned earlier in the article). I was about 6 or 7, while he was about 9 or 10. He would approach me when I was alone and make me give him all the candy my mom bought for me.

It was all verbal; he never used any physical force on me. I would be shrink in fear whenever he approached me, because he was bigger size and I was afraid he would hurt me. This would happen anywhere from once every couple of weeks to a few times a week.

He told me never to tell anyone about the extortion, and I never did (during the period of extortion). I didn’t dare to tell my mom or (elder) brother about it, even when I was home and theoretically safe from the bully.

Looking back, I should have just walked away from the situation. The only reason why I didn’t walk away was because I thought he would have hurt me, but in retrospect, I seriously doubt he could have done anything to me. There was nothing he had over me, really, other than the fact that he was older and bigger sized. He was nobody to me; I owed him nothing; I had no idea who he was (and come think of it, neither did he actually – he was just always hanging out in the neighborhood and I lived in the area, which was why he could always come up to me) and I had my family to protect me if I ever came into harm’s way.

He had power over me because I gave him that power. Conversely, if I didn’t, he couldn’t have done anything about the situation. (See Tip #3: Don’t give the bully your power)

7. Seek help from others

You may not be able to handle the bully by yourself, and that’s okay, because you don’t have to. You’re not alone in this.

Seek help. One way is to connect with someone who has power over the bully. For example, if you’re in a school bully situation, inform the teachers or the principal. I remember when I was in primary school, there was a male classmate who would often make fun of my dialect name. Other male classmates would do the same too, because he created the space to do so. I subsequently told the teacher about it, who told him off in front of other students. He never tried to do that again. Neither did the other male classmates.

Another example is workplace bullying. Say your colleagues are bullying you because you’re a new member to the team. They pile you with a lot of work, boss you around and refuse to help you out. Obviously, this is not acceptable workplace behavior. You want to connect with your manager, and perhaps their managers, and inform them about it so they can intervene accordingly. You also want to connect yourself with other co-workers and get their support in the workplace.

Another way is to gain strength through numbers. Even if each individual person has no special power over the bully, a group of people gives collective power. For example, if there is someone picking on you in school, then associate yourself with new friends. Make sure you hang out with them, in a group, each time. The bully will realize you are not the “easy” target he/she thinks since you have the support of others, and will soon back off.

8. Appeal to the rationale side of the bully

I like to think that everyone has a conscience. And that no matter what it is they are doing to you now, they have their reasons, even if seemingly unjustified.

See if you can appeal to the rationale side of the bully:

1. Understand why the bully is doing this: Why are you doing this?
2. Check if you can help: I’d like to help if I can. Is there anything I can do to help?
3. Seek a middle ground: I don’t want to this situation to be worse than it already is. Is there an amiable way to resolve this?

9. Use your self-defense weapons (only for worst case scenario)

To be done only for self-defense, and not to inflict harm on others. For the record, I believe at our highest consciousness, all things can be resolved without violence, but if you’re dealing with someone of extreme low consciousness, it may not be possible to rationalize with him/her. If you feel you might be in physical danger, then it’s good to arm yourself.

Pepper sprays and stun guns are non-lethal self-defense tools which are allowed in some countries. Different countries have different regulations, so check with your local authorities on what’s allowable and what’s not. The last thing I want is for you to get charged for possessing dangerous equipment, because of something you read at Personal Excellence!!!

Use the weapons only in the worst case scenario when you are in danger. Apply all other tips first if you can.

10. Understand (and detach yourself from) the source of fear

To defeat fear, first understand it.

When I was in the interrogation booth, I asked myself why my hands and knees were shaking. I realized it was because my upcoming pursuits were at stake. If I were really denied entry, I wouldn’t be able to speak at the conference, visit the different places in US, or make new, meaningful connections. The situation did seem dire.

I then regained my power by identifying an alternate pursuits if they were truly dashed. What could I do if I wasn’t able to enter US? I would have (a) more time to work on my business, since I wouldn’t be traveling (b) get to return home early and see my friends and family (c) be exposed to opportunities in Singapore/elsewhere I wouldn’t get access to if I was in US.

With this, the original concern was resolved.

The next reason why I was shaking was because I was worried I would be charged with a criminal offense, even though I did not commit anything wrong.

In worst case scenario, I would be wrongly incriminated. It was a terrifying thought.

“What would happen though, if I were to get incriminated?” I thought.

I would go to jail. I wouldn’t be able to see my family or friends. I would be cut away from the world. I would be given a mark in the society. I would be made an outcast. I would enter a world I have no clue about. I may be abused in jail. My life would go to waste.

“So what if that were to happen, though?” I thought.

Nothing, really. It may be non-ideal, but they were nothing that would stop me from making a comeback. At most, it would be another obstacle for me to overcome and learn from.

Suddenly, the situation didn’t seem that scary. I’m not saying that I want to be falsely charged with fraud or I’m okay if I were to go to jail (especially not if I didn’t even do anything wrong to begin with), but that the thought of it stopped striking as much fear as it did before. And by loosening the source of fear, it released the hold the bully had over me.

By identifying your fear, understanding the source, and breaking it, you regain your power. When you have nothing to fear, the bully has no hold over you.

Be sure to read: How To Overcome Fear (3-part series).

11. Call the Police (or Relevant Authorities)

If you think the situation is escalating out of control, call the authorities. Call the police (911). Get the authorities involved. Explain the situation in detail, from the beginning to the end, to them, so they can best help you. Offer all the information required.

Don’t be worried about implicating the bully; the bully crossed the line when he picked you as a target. Something needs to be done to put it to a stop.

My situation is unique in that the bully in question is the authority, but it’s an exception than the rule. It’s unlikely that you’ll be caught in such a situation though, so don’t worry about that.

Last Words

If you’re the target of a bully situation, please don’t suffer in silence. Read this guide carefully, multiple times if you need to, and apply the tips.

You are not brought into this world to suffer. You’re brought to this world for a greater purpose than that. Whatever you’re going through is merely something to help you grow, a lesson for you to learn, a test for you to pass. By addressing it duly, and overcoming the problem, you’ll emerge a stronger person, one who is able to take on greater things.

Personal Travel Update

For those who are curious, I’m currently traveling in US. I just finished my engagement with Wharton last week, and I’ll be traveling to Washington DC today, followed by NYC next week. I may stay in NYC for a couple of weeks, depending how things go. I’ll also check out Boston after I’m done with NYC.

My plans after that are open ended at the moment. One option is I will go to the west coast, possibly including but not limited to: Sedona Arizona, Las Vegas, San Francisco (California), Los Angeles (California), and Seattle.

The other option is I will just return home to Singapore. It’s getting cold, and while I’ve gotten accustomed to living in 10+ degree Celsius,  the temperature is in single digits now (Celsius), and I’m freezing my butt off whenever I’m out in the streets! I’m also looking forward to work on my fitness plan when I get back (haven’t exercised much due to my travels and the cold weather), because I want to maintain what I’ve been building since my fast in Feb.

The other, bigger reason is that it’s been already 5 months since I’m away from home. In the past 5 months, I’ve been traveling non-stop, moving from place to place, meeting endless number of new people. Some people feel tired after 2 weeks of travel, so you can imagine this is like traveling on steroids. As of now, I just want to stay put at one spot and enjoy some stability.

I’ve always loved Singapore since the beginning, and the encounters I’ve faced have made me appreciate it even more. While I left Singapore with a potential interest to migrate in the future, I think Singapore is where I want to stay for the time being. The cities I’ve been (London, especially) have been amazing, but all factors in consideration (including difficulty to stay longer beyond allowable length of stay), Singapore is what’s calling out to me for now.

That said, things may change in the future, and I’m open to different possibilities.

For sure, my one encounter with CBP shouldn’t be seen as representative of how life in US is like (I’ve been meeting a lot of great people, Americans included, since my first week in the States), but it definitely suggests how unwelcoming the foreign climate can be towards non-locals, and how difficult it can be to get authorization if I ever want to live in the states in the future.

I don’t rule out coming back to the States in the future or living there next time, but that will only happen if there is a clear, compelling reason (say, work engagement, visiting friends, checking out new sights, and so on). By myself and as the situation stands, there is no reason for me to return for now. I definitely do not relish the thought of getting interrogated in that manner again, for whatever reason, when I’m not violating the law to begin with.

For those who want to be in the loop of my travels and my daily life, follow me on Facebook and Twitter. That’s where all the activity is happening.

Update Jan ’12: I’ve since reached Manhattan, New York, and stayed there for 1.5 months. I’m now in west coast (Los Angeles), and will be hanging out in the west coast for my last month in the states.

This is part of the Dealing With People series.

1. How To Deal With Energy Vampires
2. 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
3. 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
4. How To Deal With Dishonest People
5. How To Deal With Rude People (3-part series)
6. 10 Tips To Make New Friends
7. How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide

Related Posts

• How To Handle Molestation: A Real Encounter
• How To Deal With Rude People – Co-Workers, Associates, Customers, Managers, etc
• How To Deal With Rude People – Part 2
• How To Deal With Rude People – Part 3

• Part 1: Why Overcome Procrastination?
• Part 2: Procrastination – Symptom of An Issue
• Part 3: 1st Root Cause – Lack of Desire
• Part 4: 2nd Root Cause – Fear
• Part 5: How To Overcome Procrastination
• Part 6: 11 Practical Steps To Overcome Procrastination (exclusive article in Personal Excellence Book)
  

If you have read this far, I assume procrastination is a problem you face and want to address. In this part, you’ll learn how to overcome your procrastination through an introspective exercise. Time to stop procrastinating and get the problem nipped in the bud!

Exercise To Uncover Why You Procrastinate

As with all our exercises, grab a notebook and pen or open up your processing document. Set aside about 20 minutes or so for this. We will be doing a fair bit of writing for this exercise.

Think of your mind as containing thousands of layers of information. At the bottom of this lies your subconsciousness. Every day, more layers get piled on as you face new contexts. In order to get down to your subconsciousness, we need to clear off the layers (done through steps 2-4) and get down to the depths of the mind.

Ready? Here we go

1) Start off by identifying something you are procrastinating on, even though you want to work on it.

This should be an area where you have displayed a continuous pattern of putting off in. For illustration purpose, I’ll take the example of exercising to keep fit.

2) Ask yourself: “Why am I putting this off?”

Write everything that comes up. You may have 1 answer, 2 answers, or even 5 different answers – it doesn’t matter. Even if your mind responds with “I don’t know”, write that in anyway, then ask the same question again. Chances are, you’re going to get a different answer this time. Just keep on writing until nothing else comes up. For a reference, this process might take anywhere from 5 minutes to even over 30 minutes if there’s a lot of stuff you have to write. Everything you write in step 2 are your 1st level answers.

Possible 1st level answers for procrastinating on exercise may be:

• I don’t want to exercise
• I’m too lazy
• I have no discipline
• Exercising is boring
• The gym is too far away
• I don’t know
• I hate exercising
• I don’t have enough time

3) Pick out hotspot answers for probing.

If you remember in part-2, I shared laziness and lack of discipline are rarely ever the real issues. Approaches involving discipline and time management are the ointments and creams to mosquito bites. They usually patch up the symptoms without dealing with the root of the issue. Thus, ignore answers like “I’m too lazy”, “I have no discipline”, “I don’t have enough time”. Chances are, probing in those areas will get you nowhere.

From the remaining answers, pick out the hot spots answers for probing. Hot spot answers are answers that are more than meets the eye. When probed, they explode to reveal the other layers underneath. Hot spot answers are usually tied to:

• Feelings (desire, fear, feeling of discomfort, etc) . Examples are “I don’t feel like doing it”, “I’m scared”, “I feel tired” or “I hate doing this”.
• One’s ability. Examples are “I don’t know how to”, “It takes so much time and effort”, “There’s so much to do”.

In the exercise example, some hot spot answers are “I don’t want to exercise”  and “I hate exercising”.

4) Probe into the hotspot answers from #3.

Dig into the answers to uncover what lies beneath. There are many ways to do this depending on the original answer. The simplest way is to question why that’s the case or why it matters. Below are some examples of how to dig into hotspot answers:

• “I don’t want to [exercise]” -> “Why don’t I want to exercise?”
• “I hate [exercising]” -> “Why do I hate exercising?”
• “I don’t know how to do this” -> “So what if I don’t know how to do this?”, “What does it mean to me if I don’t know how to do this?”, “Why is this stopping me from doing the task?”

5) Keep repeating #4 until you reach an “a-ha” moment that cracks the whole issue wide open.

Keep probing and probing until you get the “a-ha” moment. Some people will ask “How do I know if I’ve reached an a-ha moment or not?” The short answer is this – you’ll know when it comes. There will be an inner sense of resonance when you arrive at the answer, because then everything suddenly clicks and makes complete sense. You finally realize why you’ve been trying to avoid the activity all this while – not because of laziness, but because of something else.

The more connected you are with your higher self, the more effective this exercise. If you often take time to self-reflect and have a high level of self-awareness, this exercise will be relatively easy. Chances are, the answers will affirm what you already know about yourself.

On the other hand, if you frequently repress your thoughts/feelings and have a low level of self-awareness, this exercise might take a longer time. More often than not, you’ll end up in a block during your questioning where the same answers keep surfacing. This may also happen for highly self-aware people when probing into a new territory. Some of my clients experience this  when we dig into a deeply set pattern in their life, where the only answer that comes up is “I don’t know” or “I’m really not sure”.

When that happens, don’t give up. Just because you don’t reach an ‘a-ha!’ the first round doesn’t mean you’re not going to get the answer! Every time you try to communicate with your subconsciousness, you are building a stronger connection. As long as you keep pressing on (whether it’s by trying the exercise at a different time), the answer will eventually surface. Other things you can try are:

• Ask the questions with stronger intention to find the answer
• Use different angles to ask your questions. For example, if you reached a dead end, backtrack to the previous answer. Then, ask a different question or ask the same question in a different way. A question like “Why am I not doing this task?” can also be phrased as “What is making me avoid this task?” or “What is it about this task that’s making me avoid it?” or “Why am I not working?”.

Using this exercise, many unintuitive, unexpected revelations can be uncovered. For example (procrastinated activity -> real reason):

• Someone who procrastinates losing weight (to become more attractive) -> Because he/she hates himself/herself and wants to remain unattractive so no one will like him/her
• Someone who procrastinates getting close to his/her parents -> Because he/she is afraid of being alone when they pass away one day
• Someone who procrastinates finding a partner -> Because he/she has low self-worth and is afraid of putting himself/herself out there
• Someone who procrastinates rehearsing for a performance -> Because he/she is afraid that he/she is incapable and wants to use the excuse of ‘last minute work’ to explain away deficiencies in performance
• Someone who procrastinates going to work -> Because he/she has lost the passion for the job

While some of these underlying beliefs may seem crazy to your conscious mind, they are very real and common underpinnings to why people procrastinate.  If you’re wondering why they are so counter-intuitive, it’s because they are usually based on misconceived beliefs formed when we are younger. Since your discerning ability is lower at a younger age, you form many beliefs based just from what you hear or observe around you. Over the years, these beliefs become embedded into your subconsciousness and subsequently guides your actions.

6. Create an action plan to resolve the root issue.

Now that you have uncovered the root issue, it’s now time to create your action plan to address that. For this, you can refer to the ESPER framework, a 7-part goal achievement series I have written.

Realization of the issue is usually enough to trigger one into action. That’s because it becomes immediately apparent how procrastination is the wrong solution to move forward. For example, if you have lost the passion for your job, your immediate move should be to identify a work you’re passionate in and start pursuing that. Procrastinating your current work only prolongs the issue – it’s not going to help you in any way. Another example is procrastinating on finding a partner because of low self-worth. The logical step forward should be build up your self-worth, not avoid relationships your whole life.

Wrapping Up

I hope this 5-part series has given you a deep level understanding of what exactly causes procrastination and how you can overcome it. Procrastination is always a sign of an issue in your framework of thinking. Rather than using XX tips, life hacks or time management tools to try to resolve procrastination which ultimately gets you nowhere,  you should dig into what exactly is leading to your behavior of procrastination. Only true doing that, can you then finally overcome procrastination for good.

This is the last part of a series on How to Overcome Procrastination.

Download How To Overcome Procrastination (Free Ebook)

Has this series been beneficial for you in any way? I’ve compiled the entire series into a 21-page ebook which you can download free here and read in your own time :D. Feel free to share this with anyone whom you think may benefit from it.

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Related Posts

• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 2
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 4
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 3
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 1

• Part 1: Why Overcome Procrastination?
• Part 2: Procrastination – Symptom of An Issue
• Part 3: 1st Root Cause – Lack of Desire
• Part 4: 2nd Root Cause – Fear
• Part 5: How To Overcome Procrastination
• Part 6: 11 Practical Steps To Overcome Procrastination (exclusive article in Personal Excellence Book)

Fear, 2nd Root Cause of Procrastination

Fear is the second underlying cause of procrastination. While you can have a desire to do something, if you have a fear stronger than your desire, you will face procrastination. This fear can be any fear – fear of pain, fear of uncertainty, fear of hardship, fear of not having control, fear of being incapable, fear of rejection, fear of being alone.

While this may sound bizarre, if you examine areas in your life you are procrastinating on today (even though you do want to do them), your answer is likely related to a certain fear you face. This is especially common among perfectionists, whereby procrastination is a common resultant behavior as they fear doing something in a ‘less perfect’ manner than they envisioned, and thereby impacting their idealized images of themselves.

Take the example of Tim, a driven and competent individual who enjoys his job. He has a job-related deadline in a week he is procrastinating on.

If we ask Tim why he is avoiding the deadline, his first answer may be ‘because I don’t want to do it’. Probing deeper, we find Tim’s avoidance is caused by the discomfort his work gives him. Why? After a minute or two of probing, he may reveal the work is too much for him to handle.

While the answer is rearing its head, it’s still not the real reason. After all, many people face an overload of work, but not everyone reacts via avoidance. Why is it that Tim procrastinates in the face of too much work?

If we look deeper, we may find that this procrastination is due to the loss of control from overwhelming work. He fears a loss of control because not being able to control makes him feel a lower self-worth. It becomes clear then that procrastinating on his work is an attempt to avoid feeling low in his self-worth.

Similarly,  many cases of procrastination are driven by a fear or several fears.

My example with public speaking

Sometime this year, I began to get invited by institutions to give talks. I was always excited every time that happened, because it meant reaching out to a larger audience base.

However, I noticed I always delayed the preparation work (slides/content/delivery) one day before the talk or even the day itself, even though I wanted to start preparation at least few days, ideally a week, before.

Even though I would always find some way or other to finish the material and deliver the speech accordingly, the procrastination was a big issue for several reasons:

1. While the speeches turned out fine, it could have been better if I invested more time preparing as originally intended.
2. The contact point with the audience is the one moment to share my message with them. Not putting my best foot forward meant I might be missing out on a chance to move someone forward on the path of growth.
3. The whole process of procrastinating, rushing through work, delivering work less than my expectations and troubleshooting the same aftermath was wearisome. It would be much better to get things done on a timely manner with the level of readiness I wanted.

The first time the procrastination happened, I thought it was poor self-management. When it happened again, I suspected a separate reason. Then it occurred a 3rd time, 4th time, and nth time. By then, it was clear there was a pattern forming and I had to get to the root of it.

I probed within myself on why this was happening. Was the avoidance due to a lack of desire? Certainly not. I’m always enthusiastic about new speaking opportunities. It signifies new growth opportunities, more exposure and enabling more people in their path of conscious growth. It is one of the necessary milestones toward achieving my long-term vision.

So I asked myself: “Why am I trying to avoid preparing for the speeches?”

The immediate answer that came up was “I don’t feel like doing it”. A natural first level response with every self-questioning exercise.

I asked again: “Why don’t I feel like doing it?”

New answers emerged. “So much work needs to be done”, “It’s such a dread”, “This is going to take a lot of time”. In my mind, I had subconsciously painted an elaborate preparation process. I envisioned being as good as top speakers like Les Brown and Obama one day, but I was nowhere near that standard. Thus, I saw lots of preparation needed.

My next question was: “Why do these matter?”

A voice in my head spoke. “Because it makes me feel I’m out of control”.

This was interesting. I was surprised and pressed on further: “Why is being in control important?”

“Because if I’m not in control, it means I’m not good enough. I’m incapable.”

It hit me there and then what was going on. Because a) a part of me had linked my worth with my skill in public speaking b) I wasn’t as good in public speaking compared to my ideal vision, I had lowered my own self-worth. Thus, any situation which reminded me of my lack of expertise in public speaking would make me feel lousy. This led me to procrastinate on my speech preparation process.

In conclusion: My procrastination was due to my fear of not having worth.

This answer caught me offguard because I don’t measure one’s worth by one’s skill level in something. A person who is a beginner in something doesn’t mean he/she is of low worth. Likewise, an expert doesn’t mean he/she is of high worth. Everyone’s level of worth is the same, regardless of who/what he/she is and the circumstance.

Furthermore, I’m passionate about being a powerful speaker. I knew in order to reach the expertise I’m looking for, I have to start somewhere, as all experts today have. I certainly wasn’t expecting to become better by avoiding the activity. These are all things my conscious mind understood.

Yet, a part of my subconscious had a flawed notion, probably conditioned from the younger years. Because it wasn’t addressed when I was younger, I grew up holding that thought subconsciously and probably having my other actions subconsciously affected by it.

Realizing this was liberating, to say the least. Just by uncovering the subconscious fears, I was able to immediately see how silly and baseless those thoughts were. In fact, when you starting uncovering the real reasons leading to your procrastination in part-4, you will find it is usually the most fundamental beliefs (and misconceived ones) which cause your procrastination.

After uncovering the hidden fear, I was able to immediately rectify the misconception in my subconsciousness and resolve the internal misalignment. It was a matter of reinforcing what I already knew consciously, since awareness of the fears was enough to realize they were baseless.

In the last part, I’ll share how to overcome procrastination through an introspection exercise.

This is part-4 of a series on How to Overcome Procrastination.

• Part 1: Why Overcome Procrastination?
  
• Part 2: Procrastination – Symptom of An Issue
• Part 3: 1st Root Cause – Lack of Desire
  
• Part 4: 2nd Root Cause – Fear
  
• Part 5: How To Overcome Procrastination

Related Posts

• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 5
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 1
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 2
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 3

1. 4 Reasons We Should Overcome Fear
2. Understanding the Root of Fear (only available in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 1)
3. How To Overcome Fear (only available in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 1)

This is part-1 of a 3-part series on How To Overcome Fear.

© D Sharon Pruitt

“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.” – James Thurber

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” – Marie Curie

Are you more of a courageous person or someone who is often filled with fear? Do you get intimidated easily? Do you make decisions based in fear? Do you look toward your future in fear of what will ensue?

What is Fear?

Fear is “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined“. In other words, fear is state whereby you feel frightened or afraid, regardless of whether you should be afraid or not. Note the key word here is regardless. Which means even it’s possible to feel fear even when you rightfully shouldn’t be scared.

Let us first talk about how fear came about. Fear is actually a tool to help us escape danger. It is part of an evolutionary, survival mechanism. When we experience fear, our adrenal glands (located directly above our kidneys) release adrenaline into the blood stream which causes a series of biological reactions in our body.

• It increases blood and oxygen flow to our muscles so we can run faster.
• It restricts blood flow to other areas such as our stomach.
• It dilates our pupils so we can better see things around us.

This is also known as the ‘fight or flight’ mode. In this state, our senses and reflexes become heightened and it’s easy for us to escape real and physical danger.

However, these reactions are only helpful when we are facing real physiological danger. They do not aid us when we are facing self-perceived dangers which actually do not result in any physical harm. If anything, we only become held back by such responses when we don’t need them. For example, imagine when people get into stage fright or when they have to make a career move in apprehension. Having increased blood flow to muscles, restricted blood flow to stomach and dilated pupils do not help us in those scenarios. If anything, we might make worse moves/decisions due to these biological reactions. Imagine someone rambling off on the stage due to his/her stage fright. Or someone making a wrong career decision as he/she could not process the information clearly. In these scenarios, we want to be grounded so we can deal with things logically and calmly, not become over-stimulated.

The problem is, about 99% of the fear people experience today are non-physical fear – fear that only exists in our head. We think we’re in danger but we really aren’t. Such fears include:

• Fear of public speaking
• Fear of people
• Fear of strangers (e.g., introverts who find it hard to make new friends)
• Fear of authority
• Fear of losing out
• Fear of not failure
• Fear of loss
• Fear of changes
• Fear of judgment
• Fear of humiliation
• Fear of growing old
• Fear of being alone
• Fear of being hurt
• and more

Does any of the fears above apply to you? Chances are, you’ll be able to relate to at least one or more of them at some point in time. I know I definitely do – all of the above applied to me before, even if for just a short period of time or on a small, subconscious level.

Overcoming this mental fear is what we’re focusing on in this series. We’ll look into the root cause of fear in part-2 and how to overcome fear in part-3. But first, let us understand why there is a need to overcome fear itself.

Why Overcome Fear?

Maybe you might be wondering – “Why overcome fear? I’m doing fine living the way I am right now. Fear drives me to make decisions sometimes. Fear has kept me safe from danger.”

There are a whole host of reasons why you should overcome fear. I’ve condensed them into 4 key ones:

1. Fear Limits Your Full Potential

As someone reading a site called Personal Excellence, I trust that you believe in personal growth, becoming a becoming a better person and living your best life. Unfortunately, being driven by fear blocks all of that. It prevents you from growing and progressing in life.

The problem is majority of our society today vibrate at the level of fear. In the Map of Consciousness – by David Hawkins, fear is the 5th lowest level in the whole map of 17 levels. Not only that, fear is at an energy level of 100, which is quite a distance below 200, the first awakening point from being a sleepwalker. To be mired in fear means you are being held back from rising to the higher levels of Courage, Acceptance, Love, Joy, Peace, Enlightenment. As long as you entrench yourself off in the land of fear, you can’t reach the higher levels of consciousness.

When you let your thoughts, feelings and decisions be driven by fear, you are reduced to a slave of fear. I have come across people whose lives are very centered on the theme of fear and it is a very disempowering state to be in. Their fear drives their thoughts, feelings, decisions and behaviors so much that their life has become a byproduct of fear, rather than their own desires. For example, someone who is scared of changes will become scared whenever there are changes in his/her life. He/she will scramble to maintain the status quo and protect the illusion of safety. He/she lives in reaction to fear, rather than proactively lead his/her life. As long as we’re just reacting to fear, we can’t be reaching our fullest potential.

2. You Can Never Fully Run Away From Fear

It might not be obvious, but realize that you can never fully run away from fear. Mental fear is pervasive. As long as you let it permeate, as long as you run away instead of dealing with it, it will always be there, haunting you in everything you do. Running away only gives you an illusion of security – you may feel safe for a short moment, but only for that short moment.

For example, if you see fear in point A, you can run to point B – but the fear will catch up to you at point B in the form of other things. You can keep running and running, but eventually you are going to find yourself backed into a corner, with nowhere to escape. No matter how you run, you are just living in captivity of fear. In fact, the more you run, the more fear tries to catch up with you. When that happens, you either have to learn to deal with it, or cower in its presence eternally and become a fraction of the person you can be.

Since you have to deal with fear at some point, you might as well learn to overcome fear now, rather than avoid it again and again only to deal with it eventually. It doesn’t make sense otherwise – not only are you draining yourself emotionally, you waste time and energy avoiding the fear. Time is precious – you can never get back lost time. Between the 2 options: Option A, where you run initially but need to deal with fear ultimately when you have nowhere to run, and Option B, where you deal with fear immediately at the onstart, Option B clearly comes across as a more effective approach.

3. Fear Is A Waste of Your Energy

As I mentioned in Reason #2, fear is illogical and a waste of emotional and mental energy.

Every moment you spend swirling around in fear, you are cultivating a seed that gives rise to subsequent similar thoughts. The more you do it, the more you are set back by it. Instead of calmly processing the situation and rationally identifying solutions and ways forward, you are feeding energy into something non-constructive.

Some may say this fear is what triggers them to move the situation forward. While there have been cases where fear seems to push people forward, a more accurate summation is that these people move forward in spite of the fear that is present. As mentioned in the beginning of the article, fear leads to a rush of adrenaline that gives you increased physical performance, not increased mental performance. You can perform just as well, if not better, without all the adrenaline that’s pumping through your body. Having more adrenaline in your body for prolonged periods of time strains your body and gives you jittery nerves instead. Think about how much more you can do if you’re not spending your energy counteracting that fear and its aftereffects.

Also remember that for every moment you spend being fearful, you have one less moment for positive thoughts and feelings, which can blossom into a whole other spring of positive aftereffects. How would you rather spend your time – being happy and positive, or being negative and scared? I pick the former any day.

4. Fear Is All In Your Mind

Having mental fear is like letting yourself be scared by a scarecrow – it looks scary and seems scary, but it’s actually harmless.

As I’ve mentioned at the onset of the article, mental fear is based on danger made up in your mind. This fear arises because your brain somehow formulated a perception these non-physical dangers are real dangers – when they are not. Let’s take public speaking as an example. Public speaking is a top ranked fear among majority of people – even more so than death or disease. Why are people afraid of public speaking? Realistically, speaking publicly does not result in physical bodily harm of any sort.

Some people will point out that it’s not from the physical harm that people draw fear from – but from the thought of slipping up, people judging you, embarrassment that will occur, and so on. These fears are all in your mind. Thoughts of you forgetting the speech, the presentation going wrong, audience feeling bored, etc are all made up. None of that has happened yet. Even if it has happened in the past, it does not mean that this is going to happen in the future. You are in the present and the future has not occurred yet. You are still in the position to shape the future into whatever outcome you desire.

Read on in part-2 on uncovering the root cause of fear. Available exclusively in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 1.

1. 4 Reasons You Should Overcome Fear
2. Understanding the Root of Fear (only available in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 1)
3. How To Overcome Fear (only available in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 1)

Related Posts

• How To Overcome Fear Of Loss And Pursue Your Dreams
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 4
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 5
• How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide

As this is an article on Escapism, it might trigger some level of discomfort and resistance as you read it. If so, do not resist it – be aware of it, understand the source of the resistance and confront it.

Take a good look at your life now. Is there anything you are trying to avoid dealing with? Your work? Your responsibilities? Your relationships? Your singlehood if you are single? Your deteriorating health? Your poor dietary habits? Your poor exercise regime? Your lackluster financial status? Your goals? Your aspirations? Your personal issues? Your past?

Escapism in Life

Escapism occurs when you try to avoid something. It can come in different forms. Some people escape by seeking out alternate activities, such as sleeping and playing. Some drown themselves in work. Some immerse themselves in addiction, such as emotional eating (bingeing), smoking, alcohol or even drugs. Some physically run away from their homes. Some may even go as far as to migrate to a new place where they can start ‘afresh’.

In life, many people try to escape from various things. No matter what they are trying to avoid, these things ultimately ladder down to their fears, their deepest sorrows, their pains, their past, their disappointments.

In relationships, you see escapism come into play when people move into rebounds after painful breakups. Rather than deal with the situation, they seek solace in someone else. The feeling of being wanted and desired, by someone – anyone – covers up the pain of their breakup. While the person may seem to have escaped having to deal with the pain head on, in reality this wound has never been properly addressed nor healed. It just stays dormant, throbbing silently until the day where it will resurface in a different manner.

In other areas of life, you see people escaping from other things. For example, socially shy people who stay away from public spots. People who stay put in passionless jobs because they are afraid of failure in pursuing what they love or because they are afraid to know there is something far better for them elsewhere. People who avoid challenges because they are afraid of supposed ‘pain’ and ‘suffering’. People who avoid their past because they are reminded of their deepest sorrows. People who avoid their issues because they think they have no strength to face them. There are even some who basically spend their whole lives trying to escape from their issues.

Escapism by Others

I worked with many people to achieve their life goals on an ongoing basis. Some have progressive, forwarding goals. Some desire to overcome their personal issues. No matter what their objectives are, it would eventually come down to having to confront their personal limits.

In the process, it is not uncommon for some to become resistant and start displaying escapist behaviors. The level of resistance depends on the severity of the issues and the level of consciousness of the person. The deeper these issues are, the stronger the resistance;  The lower their consciousness, the more they seek avoidance behaviors. It is then my job to bring them into a heightened level of self-awareness, reconnect them with that inner-self which drove them to engage a life coach in the beginning and enable them to overcome these limits.

However, there are times when their resistance and fears are so strong that their escapist personas kick in big time, to the extent where they become lost in their mental struggles and are unreachable through coaching. Some may start finding different reasons to avoid the sessions; Some start avoiding contact or even request to terminate the coaching prematurely.

When that happens, it goes beyond my means as a coach. Free will is precedent above everything at the end of the day. When they want to avoid being coached, it’s not the coaching they are trying to avoid. It’s not the coach either. It’s themselves. As a coach, I cannot force them to deal with their personal issues if they, as owners of their lives, have given up and decided to avoid them. Accountability is one of the 3 key behaviors needed for a successful coaching relationship and that means being directly accountable for their lives. In these instances, I can only let them go, send them my well wishes and positive energy and keep the communication channel for them in the meantime.

Even in my daily encounters with friends and acquaintances, my attempts at generating conscious conversations are not always met with fervor. Some feel uncomfortable by the discussions and start avoiding the topics. Many prefer to stick to ‘light’, ‘easy’ conversations such as the latest celebrity gossip, TV shows and just casual banter. Having conscious conversations can be quite fearful and confrontational for some, as the conversations directly or indirectly bring up things which they are trying to avoid on a personal level.

My Escapist Behaviors in the Past

When I was a student, there would be times when I wasn’t prepared for tests or exams. Instead of studying, I would be busy playing games, working on my websites (from last time), chatting or immersing in recreational activities. Basically, anything but hitting the books. It didn’t help that I was quite a restless student; I hardly payed attention during classes. Studying was boring and a dread to me.

When that happened, I would sometimes try to avoid school altogether by feigning illness or coming up with some excuses. By sitting for the papers, my lack of preparation would be validated by me not knowing how to do the questions and eventually, my results. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to do well; I wanted to be the best I could. It was an all-or-nothing mindset from the perfectionist side of me.

Because having results that were anywhere short of what I envisioned was a symbolism of many different things on many different levels to me. It represented my irresponsibility towards my studies and life. It represented how I lacked the leadership and discipline to get my immediate priorities straight. It represented how I was messing up my life, my future, my dreams and how I was setting myself up for failure. It represented how I was letting myself, my family and people who believed in me down.

In the end, it wasn’t the papers which I was trying to avoid.

It was me. I was trying to avoid myself. I was trying to avoid tainting my own perceived self-image. I was trying to avoid acknowledging that I was messing up in my studies. Excellence was (is) a key value of mine and I didn’t want to acknowledge I was anything less than my idealized self image.

The process of doing the papers, having it marked by a teacher and finally receiving the grade were physical, tangible consequences which would slap the cold, hard truth of my (in)actions in my face. By avoiding taking the papers (and there were times I did succeed in that), I was trying to gain extra breathing space for myself for the exams. I was trying to avoid that one moment of truth.

However, I was just deluding myself. It didn’t matter whether I did the papers or not. The truth was as such – I was irresponsible towards my studies; I lacked discipline; I wasn’t properly managing myself and my life. By trying to avoid the issue altogether, I was letting the issue perpetuate. The same thing would eventually arise again and again in different forms, as I eventually observed later on. It was when I started facing it head on that I was finally embracing my value of Excellence. It was only through accepting, coming clean and taking responsibility of my actions that I could truly move forward and progress.

Dealing With Escapism

Ask yourself this: Is there anything in your life which you feel most confronted by; Anything which you are trying to escape from?

It is important to understand that escapism is a form of defense mechanism. It occurs as a product of you trying to protect yourself from something. Specifically, your ego trying to protect yourself.

Except it really isn’t.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that avoidance does not solve anything. The proverb, Ignorance Is Bliss, is probably one of the single most deluded proverbs of all time. If there is an issue you are facing with, that issue doesn’t disappear by avoiding it. It’s still there; it always will be until you face it. It’s like an ostrich burying its head in the sand – Just because you are turning your head away from everything else and pretending everything is okay, does not mean it is okay.

Sure, it may seem easy to just avoid your issues. It may seem easy to just sleep everything away and wake up to a bright and sunny morning the next day, with everything faded away into a semi-distant memory.

But these don’t solve anything. You may get a temporal sense of relief from not having to face what you are trying to avoid. But who are really lying to? Seriously, who? You don’t get anything solved from hiding, avoiding or escaping. You just end up backing off from them all the way until you are eventually walled into a corner one day and you have no choice but to face them.

Until you acknowledge and muster the courage to deal with what you are trying to escape from, your issues will not miraculously disappear. They will continue to be there, creating looping patterns in your life. You will keep finding yourself getting stuck in similar situations and contexts, thinking the same things, feeling the same emotions, doing the same things – over, and over, and over again – until the day you finally decide to do something about them. Loops require conscious intervention in order to break out of them.

As long as you are trying to avoid something, apart of you is vibrating at a conscious level of shame or guilt. So long as a part of you, however small, is trapped in that level, it makes you unable to wholly progress and evolve as a person. To grow, you need to confront what it is you are trying to avoid.

I’m not saying facing your issues is easy. It’s not. When you are trying to avoid something, it is usually a reflection of deeper inner issues which you have not resolved. These issues are delicate. These issues are very real. It takes true strength and courage to be able to face them head on.

And in the process of working through your issues, you don’t always win. Sometimes you may make some headway, only to be subdued afterward. Sometimes, you get beaten back down almost immediately. This is especially so if it involves dealing with something you have been struggling with since a while back.

But that’s okay. What’s important is you never stop trying. For example, in running Personal Excellence, I witness readers face new blocks every week as they pursue their personal goals. That’s perfectly normal in the pursuit of goals. Sometimes, they may fall short of what the targets they set. They may get discouraged and dismayed. But in the coaching process, they eventually regather themselves and continue to press on and fight back. They stay receptive to external enablers to move forward. And because they keep going at it, they eventually succeed in the end.

As long as you keep going; As long as you keep confronting your issues; As long as you keep fighting, you *will* become stronger and stronger. You will grow bigger than your problems such that they are no longer problems. You will level up. If you need additional ammo, engage a life coach to battle these issues together. I promise you it will simply be a matter of time before you emerge victorious.

When that happens, you will be living a life where you are truly liberated; a life where you are no longer running or hiding from something. A life of courage and bravery. A life of truth, authenticity and honesty to everyone. A life of real integrity to yourself.

Related Posts

• How To Overcome Fear Of Loss And Pursue Your Dreams
• 4 Reasons We Should Overcome Fear
• How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World
• How To Handle Molestation: A Real Encounter

1. Passion or Money?
2. Pursuing Your Passion With No Money
3. How To Discover Your Ideal Career: Your Message and Your Medium
4. Overcome Fear Of Loss And Pursue Your Dreams
5. Passion Paycheck
6. A Guide To Pursue Your Passion With Success: 14 Essential Steps (bonus article in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 2)
7. Top Entrepreneurs Interview Series
8. Million Dollar Tip Series

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“Hi Celes, having been a sleepwalker all my life, I awoke and realized my purpose in life. I know what my purpose is, I know what my goals are. I know what I *should* do.

But I fear to step out. I fear to lose everything I have now, even though it could or could not turn out better.

How do I address this fear?” – Stevens

Dear Stevens, thanks for your question It’s absolutely great that you already have full clarity of your purpose and your goals. This clarity is what’s going to bring you through a long way later on.

However, right now you have something that’s blockading you from your dreams. And that’s fear. While it’s possible there are several aspects of fear involved, such as fear of change, fear of loss, fear of the unknown, what comes through most strongly is the fear of loss.

When there is a fear of loss, it signals a form of attachment to the item that is at risk of being lost. The fear of loss has caused many to freeze into a mode of inaction in their lives today. People have grown attached to the things in their lives they have come to have. Things like their career, their status, their salary, their lifestyle, etc. To pursue something different would possibly mean relinquishing all of these things they have come to know. Because of this fear of loss, some people choose to put their dreams perpetually on hold.

However, this attachment is illogical and comes about as a byproduct of being too entrenched in our physical world.

The reason why it’s illogical is because everything in our lives, except our consciousness, is impermanent. This includes everything in the physical world: from our wealth, our salary, our material possessions, our status, our careers, our property, our physical bodies. We were born into this world as ourselves, with our consciousness. When we die, we will lose everything and bring with us only our consciousness.

[I have written about attachment before in the context of material possessions, which you can read in the article Materialism Breeds Unhappiness.]

The full understanding and realization of this fact can result in quite a powerful shift in our minds. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter what we have in our lives, as much as how we are living it.

Instead of concerning ourselves with what we have, the important question to ask will be – Am I living my life to the fullest? Am I living my purpose, my passion and my dreams? Am I living my life in the best manner possible? Am I living my life in a way which I will stand true to even the day I die?

When I first realized this a few years ago, it resulted in a total paradigm shift. I suddenly realized all these structures I was focusing on creating in terms of career, wealth, possessions, status, etc were meaningless. They formed a nice, candy fort which I could proudly exhibit and keep building upon as I grow older, but for what – some 40, 50 years? That’s about it. After that – when I die, they would just crumble and disintegrate. They were not things I could take with me beyond death.

This was what drove me to pursue a life of higher purpose and meaning. When I decided to quit my job last year in Oct ’08, I wasn’t concerned with the lucrative pay check I was relinquishing. I wasn’t thinking about the attractive career track I was giving up. I wasn’t thinking about all the material goods and wealth I could be accumulating by staying on.

All I was thinking was how I would be wasting my life away if I continued doing something that’s not my passion. All the time and energy I would be wasting on acquiring different worldly possessions which were not going to last forever anyway. When I looked at my life in the broadest spectrum, beyond life and death, it was starkly clear that I needed to be pursuing my passion full-time. Everything else just didn’t matter at all.

The bottom line is this – If you are not living your passion, then you really have nothing to lose.

Ever since then I started pursuing my purpose full-time, life has been incredible. I’m serious. I’m living my best life ever yet, and I just know that everything is going to be even better and better from here on. And I’ve just scrapped the surface of what’s in-store for me. There’s just SO much more just waiting to be uncovered and unveiled that I can’t even begin to imagine.

Think about the day when you are going to die. Would you rather look back at having spent your life holding on to things which you can’t carry with you after death or look back at how you have passionately and fervently lived out your dreams?

Start by releasing your attachment to the things in your life. That’s when you will start making your best decisions for yourself and your life, devoid of ego and fear.

This is part of the Passion & Career series.

1. Passion or Money?
2. Pursuing Your Passion With No Money
3. How To Discover Your Ideal Career: Your Message and Your Medium
4. Overcome Fear Of Loss And Pursue Your Dreams
5. Passion Paycheck
6. A Guide To Pursue Your Passion With Success: 14 Essential Steps (bonus article in Personal Excellence Book, Volume 2)
7. Top Entrepreneurs Interview Series
8. Million Dollar Tip Series

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• 4 Reasons We Should Overcome Fear
• Pursuing Your Passion With No Money
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 4
• How To Overcome Procrastination – Part 5