1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

© rebecca-lily

Note from Celes: As this series conclude, I’d like to thank all of you guys for your feedback. This series has generated the most discussion to date and I’m glad my experience has helped you gain insights. For myself, reading your responses and experiences have given me the invaluable opportunity to learn more about you.

Separately, the notable discussions this has generated has made me rethink the comments policy – whether to open them by default – so I’ll write a separate post to get your votes on these. Meanwhile, please enjoy the last part of this series.

Moving On Isn’t Easy

I’ll be honest with you. Moving on isn’t easy. If it wasn’t for the experience with G, I’d think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us. I mean, you want to move on? Just forget about the past! Get over it. Look onward to the future. Keep yourself busy with other things.

Uh-uh – Not so easy. While these do help in some way, I realized there is more than meets the eye. No matter how I tried to push away the past, the past hung there like a shroud, affecting the way I thought about myself, my decisions and actions. I didn’t realize this until I came to the realizations which helped me let go. Ultimately, there were past baggages to clear and subconscious, erroneous beliefs to untangle before I could really move on. All these require an ability to think consciously and to maintain a level of objectivity, which is hard because such matters are usually linked to deep sorrows and injured pride.

Often, we think we have moved on but we haven’t. This was the case for me for the past few years. For the longest time, while I thought I had moved on, subconsciously I had not. Thinking you have moved on and having really moved on are two separate situations altogether. In the former, you continue to live under the shadow of that person or relationship without realizing it. You think you have been liberated but truth is you are still living in a mental prison as you keep thinking about the person and past memories. This prevents you from receiving new things in your life.

12 Signs To Tell If You Have Not Moved On

For you to move on, you have to first know whether you have moved on or not. Here are 12 signs to tell if you have not moved on:

1. When you think of the person more often than not.
2. When you think about him/her even though you don’t want to.
3. When you keep mentally reliving past memories with him/her, usually the happy/sweet ones.
4. When he/she comes to mind the first instant when you are down and out.
5. When you still have questions and resignations about the past. You wonder what could have been or why didn’t it turn out a certain way.
6. When you assign blame for the way things turned out, whether it’s to him/her, yourself or the circumstance.
7. When thought/sight of him/her trigger certain emotional reactions, such as aversion, anxiety, frustration, resignation.
8. When you keep trying to improve yourself because you feel you were not good enough (for him/her).
9. When you have a desire to spite him/her, as a way of making him/her regret for whatever happened.
10. When you often bring up the person in your conversations, even when there is no relation.
11. When you have a desire or urge to contact him/her even though you previously told yourself you didn’t want to.
12. When you find yourself living out the same looping patterns. A very common example would be on-again, off-again relationships with that person. Or a lingering state of relationship that doesn’t get anywhere. Even if you are with other people, if the relationships act out in the same pattern as the past, it reflects you have not moved on. There’s a part of you entrenched in the past which is making the same situation reenact itself, just with a different person.

Moving On Takes Time

The moving on process will take time, probably longer than you might think. I’m talking about being fully cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars from the incident, not just moving on on a surface level.

It took me 4 whole years before I was able to fully release myself from G’s shadow and our pseudo relationship. There were many times when I came to a new revelation and thought I had thus moved on, only to realize afterward there was more inner baggage to be cleared. This didn’t mean I wasn’t making progress before; it just meant the emotional wound was deeper than I thought.

In these 4 years, there was a truckload of baggage cleared. To be honest, it really shocked me to know the amount of baggage that was stored inside me all this while, despite actively living consciously. For one, it affirmed the journey of conscious growth never ends – it’s an ongoing one. Two, to have so much baggage created from a relatively short period of time (we first parted ways 1.5 years of knowing each other) showed a lot of mental baggage is pretty much self-created. It’s compounded by our projections of people, assumptions of situations, expectations of how relationships should be, etc.

If you are still holding on to what could have been, it’s time to release yourself. No more mental torture or mental inhibitions. No more holding yourself back for something that cannot come to pass.

Depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on. Think of it as a journey, rather than a binary Yes/No checkpoint. Whatever you do, you will definitely be making progress every step along the way. Be it bitter or sweet, each time you are clearing baggage, bit by bit. Each step is an act of healing in itself.

10 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Here are my personal 10 steps to help you in this healing journey.

1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.

With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage you’d have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.

Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. It’s natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Don’t block them away. Embrace them and accept them.

Don’t bottle them in, because as we all know they will explode in the future when least expected. You might have heard of people who claim to have moved on by shutting off / avoiding their emotions altogether. They may feel like they have moved on, but what’s really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn’t cause any immediate reaction. It’s like having a cut that is healed on the surface, but still has impurities underneath the scar. To complete the cleansing process, all the dirt has to be cleansed. To do so you need to first acknowledge and accept your feelings.

© rebecca-lily

As you connect with these emotions, slowly let them go. Feel them, understand the source, then release them.  Some suggestions would be to talk to a good friend, journaling or meditation. Sleeping helps to clear mental baggage too – but just be conscious that you don’t turn to sleep as a source of escapism.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you.

A large portion why you can’t move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as “the one” for you. You just can’t see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a “some day” which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections – both on you and of him/her.

One thing I’ve realized is that if  the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isn’t there, then anything else can come forth as a “reason” for not being together.

If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isn’t the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isn’t meant to be. Because ultimately, it’s not about the right place or right timing. It’s about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. That’s why it’s called the right person.

3. Share with your close friends.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.

4. Reduce contact with him/her.

In the healing process of a wound, the initial healing period will be the most delicate. During this time, you wouldn’t want anything to come near and agitate the wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, you might need to reduce contact with this person away at the beginning, if it helps you to heal / move on faster.

There are three possible situations where you’d have to do so.

1. If you feel you can’t move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.
2. If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.
3. If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that were more romantic or platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.

I had to reduce contact with G because his actions toward me made it hard for me to move on. A part of me kept seeing him as an ideal guy, while on the other hand he was treating me in this special way that was ambiguous. Reducing contact made it much easy for me to gain clarity on the situation, that what we had was a friendship and there was nothing more than that.

5. Seek closure with him/her.

At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and emotions pent up. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldn’t things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.

Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.

At the end, you will find it’s really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. It’s like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.

Some of you may ask – What if he/she avoids the issue or doesn’t answer the question(s)? If that’s the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want – irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted – but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she can’t even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.

6. Forgive him/her.

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves. It makes sense doesn’t it? When you feel angry/bitter towards someone, it’s not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. It’s you. For what it’s worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling towards him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.

Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. It’s like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. I’m sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You can’t get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.

To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.

7. Doing Things You Love.

© rebecca-lily

Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, don’t linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.

8. Meeting new people.

It’s easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Don’t get cooped up in your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.

9. Knowing there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her.

It’s easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the “right” or ‘wrong” traits to embody, just different expectations. If you don’t embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys aren’t the right match. That’s all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just aren’t suited for each other.

10. Recognize there is someone out there for you.

It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but it’s true. Heck, I’m 25 (as of 2010), single all these years, met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe there’s someone out there for me! There’s no reason why you shouldn’t think so! I don’t care how many relationships you’ve been in the past, how many wrong men/women you’ve been with, or whether you’ve never been in any real relationships. (I haven’t). There is someone out there for you. You’re definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think you’re the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.

I know how hard it can be to find the special someone. Ack, I was having an interview with CNN last Tuesday, on my blog and the topic of bucket lists. We began to talk about my bucket list, and the interviewer asked me the item I thought would be the hardest to achieve. Without a doubt, I told her it was finding my special someone. Over and beyond any of the items on my list, such as setting up TSOPE, creating my talkshow, hitting best sellers, etc. But hey, you know what? Difficult it may be, I’m sure it’ll be all worth it when it happens

If you have already found your partner, congratulations! Please treasure him/her, because lord knows us singles have such a hard time finding our soulmate! If you haven’t, know that you are not alone. Even if you have absolutely no single friends (which I find hard to believe), you know me and I’m single, so you can’t claim you don’t have any single friends!

There is someone out there for you. I’m as convicted of this for myself as much as I am for you. Just because you are single now doesn’t mean you will remain forever single. It just means you have not found the right person. Meanwhile, focus on living your best life in your definitions. Most importantly, remember that your life doesn’t and shouldn’t hinge on having a special partner or not. We are complete by ourselves and relationships should not be there to complete us.

How To Know When You Have Moved On

Quite simply, if none of the 12 signs above apply to you, that means you have moved on. Once you do, a life of new beginnings and opportunities await you on the other side. Almost automatically, new things will start flowing into your life.

Final Thoughts

Today as I look back, it has truly been a long, long healing process. Today, I’m finally at peace with myself. I no longer beat myself up or think myself as not good enough when it comes to love and relationships. I don’t have the same trepidation, confusion, bittersweet emotions, hatred or frustration when I think/talk about G. I’m thankful for having crossed paths with G and gaining this experience. I believe all of us enter into each others’ lives for a reason. This experience has helped me become a better person. I’m happy for him and what he has done/achieved for himself,and I hope he is as happy in his life as I am now.

As I mentioned in the start of this series, I have written this with the intention to help others move on from whatever they may be holding back on. We can have pain and sadness from an experience, but there’s always a way out. It’s up to us on whether we want to swirl around in the past or move to a better place. We always have a choice. It’s easy to choose the former. It takes courage to take the latter step. But I assure you it’s worth it.

When I was writing this series, I was singly focused on connecting with like-souls out there and helping them move on from whatever they are entrenched in. As I write this, I can say this series achieved more than I have aimed to. After posting it, I’ve received many heartfelt messages from individuals on how the series has helped them. Many are grateful to know that they aren’t the only ones out there who have experienced / are experiencing such a situation. Some realized they need to move on from a relationship which isn’t working. Some gained strength in moving on from past wounds. There’s a separate group, singles, who told me that the series helped them gain insights on why they are not together with someone. I didn’t have the last objective in mind when I first wrote this series,  but I’m certainly glad the sharing benefited them too.

I realized that heartfelt sharing of my personal experiences is key to connecting with you guys, so I’ll continue to do that in the future. However, there is going to be tricky, especially as sharing of my personal experiences will sometimes include sharing about other people in my life. So far, K and G are the only individuals I’ve written about in detail on my blog. Based on what I know of K and G, they wouldn’t mind me writing about the stories, if it helps people move to a better place. (Something which I’ve later confirmed with K too).

However, as  I continue writing as a blogger, sharing more stories, there will be a time when other people come into the picture. The question then rises – Am I intruding on others’ private spaces by writing about them, even if it may be for the purest intent? There are also other implications, as I realized there are more people reading my blog than I realize – people who know me and may know the people I’m writing about.

To be honest, I don’t have the answer to this question yet. After 1 year of writing at my blog, I’ve realized sharing my stories is definitely the best way to relate to all of you, so I doubt I’ll stop doing it. Authors, other bloggers, and musicians also write from their personal stories. What I can do is to write with the purest intent to help others, ensure it accurately represents the truth as I understand, and doesn’t cause malicious harm to anyone. Again I don’t have the final answer to it. It’ll be a work-in-progress situation; one which I evaluate as I go along the way. Meanwhile I will continue to do my best for you guys and for me.

To all of you guys – whether you have been a silent reader, commenter, or have connected with me before, I thank you for supporting me, silently or not, all this while in my journey. This is only the start of everything. I can only imagine what’s ahead will be full of unexpected surprises, challenges and excitement. I’m scared, a little apprehensive, somewhat calm, but at the same time very eager and excited to see them unfold. I can’t wait to experience it with all of you.

This is last part of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships.

Check out the other articles in People & Relationship series:

• You are the Average of the 5 People You Spend the Most Time With
• It’s Perfectly Okay To Be Single
• Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years
• 10 Tips To Make New Friends
• How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide

Articles in Dealing with People series:

• How To Deal With Energy Vampires
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
• How To Deal With Dishonest People
• How To Deal With Rude People (3-part series)

Download How To Move On From Relationships (Free Ebook)

Has this series been beneficial for you in any way? I’ve compiled the entire series into a 39-page ebook which you can download free here and read in your own time. Feel free to share this with anyone whom you think may benefit from it.

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Related Posts

• Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
• [Pic] Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship, Manifesto Version
• Are You Looking For A Relationship To Complete Yourself?
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness

1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Note from Celes: Hey guys! Thanks so much for your beautiful comments, emails and private messages the past few days regarding parts 1 and 2 of the series. Every single one of your messages has brought a warm smile to my face. Due to requests from some readers, I’ve opened up the comments section for this post. Feel free to drop a comment after you’ve finished reading part-3. I’d love to know your thoughts on this new series.

My Journey in Moving On

© Muffet

Thinking About Him

After we parted ways, I focused on living my life. Staying away from G made it easier to move on. No more confusing signals to throw me off track. No more mind games. No more ambiguity. While I was hurt on the inside, at least now I could focus on the path of recovery rather than be left hanging in the middle of no man’s land. I was sad and disappointed that G was not the one, but I remained hopeful that my special someone was out there and I would meet him someday.

Yet, a part of me still thought about G. This tended to arise in certain moments, such as when I was by myself, when my friends talked about guys/relationships, when I saw couples together, or when I was down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness.

When I was down or out of sorts though, I would feel an urge to contact him. I remember there was a time in 2006 when my mom was in the ICU after a surgery. It was the worst period of my life – I thought she was going to die and I was going to lose my mom forever. While I was crying my eyes out at the hospital, I wished he was there with me. However, I held myself back from contacting him because I didn’t want him to see me in this state, especially not after what happened between us. Thankfully, my mom recovered a few weeks later.

There was other times when I felt troubled and wished I could seek solace in him. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding that staying away was for the better.

Occasionally he would sms me, to wish me happy birthday, share a festive greeting or on something random. Sometimes I didn’t reply, other times I just responded with a courteous message. I figured talking too much was pointless, since I wanted to draw a clear line from him. I tried to keep communication with him minimal to protect myself.

Living In A Loop

I wasn’t exactly able to maintain the distance with him though. Over the next 3 years between 2006-2008, there were two times when I contacted him. The first time was in 2006,when I just started work and I felt bogged down. The second time was in mid-2008, when I wanted to leave my ex-company to pursue my passion and I was contemplating how best to deal the situation. Looking back, these were times when I was less sure than my usual self, when I needed support. It wasn’t surprising he came to mind then, since I saw him as my pillar of support in the past.

Each time I contacted him, we almost immediately clicked like in the past. This was despite not being in close contact for almost a year each time.  None of us mentioned the awkward incidences that led to me breaking away back in school. For the next few months, we quickly grew closer and closer, talking late in the night, emailing, meeting up frequently and just hanging out. And again, he would treat me in the same special way that was more romantic than platonic.

In all honesty, I removed the possibility of us being together when I made the decision to stay away in 2005. I had contacted him because I just wanted to talk to him, not to see if we could be together. Thus, when the whole romantic vs. platonic behavior began, I was skeptical of his intents. I kept him at an emotional distance while enjoying the friendship as it was.

However, as we talked more and went out more often, I thought perhaps things had changed since the last time. Maybe this time, he was serious. Maybe this time, it was real, you know? Maybe by not reciprocating, I was closing myself out in love. With renewed hope and faith, I decided to give this another shot. I began to respond in kind.

Yet after the initial pickup, things reached the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity – a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship relationship. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop – repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept reenacting itself, except it had no ending.

Once again, I was saddened and hurt. When it became obvious nothing was going to change, I broke away – silently this time. They say once bitten, twice shy. And third time is the charm. When this happened the third time in 2008, it finally sunk inside me that nothing was ever coming out of this friendship/relationship. I had given it (the relationship) one too many opportunities to play out and it didn’t.

With a heavy heart, in Dec 2008, I decided to move on for good this time.

(Actually in that month, I experienced 2 huge disappointments – this incident with G, and another about addressing money barriers while pursuing my passion. In Jan ’09, I wrote about how I overcame the latter disappointment. I didn’t write about G then because I wasn’t ready to. Today, I’m finally ready to do so, having gone through the realizations below that have helped me move on.)

Realizations that Helped Me Move On

© harold.lloyd

It took a long while, but I finally moved on 4 years after we first broke away in 2005. The funny thing about these past 4 years is that there were many times when I thought I had moved on during this period, only to find out afterward that I hadn’t. I’m glad to say now that majority, if not all, of this episode is now behind me. For sure, this didn’t happen overnight – it was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally put the past behind me.

Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me

Regardless of how his actions were romantic vs. platonic, ultimately I realized that if G was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. There was no need to dance around at the sidelines, not after all these years too. Not in 2005, not in 2006, and certainly not in 2008. There could be one billion and one reasons why he didn’t take further action but the fact was he chose not to do so. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did I saw things much more objectively.

Realizing He Was Not The One For Me

During the times when we were close, I saw G as my soulmate. So when it turned out nothing was coming out of the friendship/relationship, I found it difficult to see myself with someone else. Even as I went out with other guys, I would often compare them with G. My preset bias made it difficult for guys to measure up against him, so as  a result I turned my back on other guys.

But then I realized if G was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again, each time culminating to the exact same ambiguity. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted to the same end. To have it happen once was enough – but to have it happen three times, staggered across different time periods – it proved beyond any doubt nothing could come out of this. I kept trying to look beyond but it was a dead end. A dead end. There was nothing beyond. I finally realized that G was not the one for me at all.

Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes

Deep down, I hated G for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? Why did he keep quiet when I confronted him? Why did he continue on behaving that way even after I told him to stop it?

No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed this trust. All the promises he made in the past were just empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was resentful.

Beyond that… I was angry at myself. If he was supposedly a jerk, then I was angry I even allowed myself to be fooled by a jerk. If he was irresponsible, I was angry I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I had let myself get hurt. I had let myself down.

Last year (3 months ago in Dec 2009), I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him… and myself. I was dragging the past emotional baggage around like a dead carcass all this while, punishing myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself.

After I realized this, interestingly, I experienced some inner resistance in me. It was as if I didn’t want to let it go, like I didn’t feel it was fair to forgive him after what he had put me through. But then I asked myself “So do you want to carry around this whole baggage instead? And think that you are making him pay when you are really just punishing yourself?”  Upon hearing this, it took a few seconds before I consciously decided to let go of the hate. The anger. The resentment. I suddenly realized I had been so silly, holding on to all of these for so long, never ever realizing that I was really just the only person suffering the whole time. When I finally let them go, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt lighter immediately, like some invisible weight was lifted. It was liberating.

Letting Him Know the Truth

A closure couldn’t take place if he didn’t even know what had been happening all this while. I thought he deserved to know the full story all these years. I felt I should bring to his awareness the implications of his actions, for his own journey of growth, and for the well-being of whoever is in his life / crosses his life in the future. What he decides to do after that is his personal choice.

So in same month of Dec ’09, I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the key events that happened between us, starting from 2005. From when I liked him, to breaking away, to living in a loop for the few years, to breaking away again in 2008. I told him how I felt he was irresponsible in his communications. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.

I didn’t expect him to reply. To be honest, it really didn’t matter at all because the email came from a moral obligation to let him know the truth of what had been going on, rather than to get an answer. Whether he answered or not, or whatever his answer was, didn’t matter anymore as I had put this behind me.

If you want to know, he replied within the day, expressing surprise at the contents of the email. He gave his side of the story, saying since we were in university, he really admired me, my passions, courage and my values. He said he also found me to be caring, smart and pretty. Because of that, he really liked spending time with me. Back then, he was unsure of whether to pursue the relationship romantically, but ultimately decided what he really wanted was for us to stay as good friends. He explained I always had a special place, which was why he always treated me exceptionally different from other people. At the end, he apologized for the hurt he had caused me.

His answer helped draw light on the events of the past few years. I replied back, thanking him for the apology and that I had accepted it. I was thankful that the loop was finally broken. #14 of my key highlights for 2009 was actually referring to this.

Living For Myself

© rebecca-lily

The final closure I needed was with myself.

Regardless of the multiple hypotheses I had on why G and I were not together, I had always concluded it was because I wasn’t good enough. If I was good enough, he would have wanted to be with me. While I stopped liking G since a long time ago, the fact that he didn’t want to be with me was a subconscious block. It was no longer about why G and I couldn’t be together. It became an issue with why G didn’t want to be with me. Was it something wrong with me? Was I not good enough to be with? This experience left a huge dent in my self-esteem.

This belief that I wasn’t good enough enveloped me like a quiet shroud. Consciously, I was sure of myself and my capabilities. Subconsciously, I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I was not deserving of love, that I was ugly, fat, unworthy, critical, judgmental, not feminine enough, etc.

Because of that, I went on a marathon to improve myself these past few years. I kept thinking I was not good enough to be with someone. I worked on improving my temper. I cultivated patience. I became a kinder person, putting myself in others’ shoes and to be caring more for them. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be less critical and more encouraging. I tried to be more feminine, dainty, quiet and demure, against my natural demeanor where I was more open, forthcoming and earnest.

While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I would feel inadequate after a while, being overly self-critical and pinpointing how I could be better. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a month ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then?

I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough”. Pretty, short, petite, demure, quiet, kind, reactive, feminine, dependent, relenting, etc…. It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for G, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities then? Would I be together with G?

Maybe.

Would G be happy?

Probably.

Would I be happy?

The answer hit me with a quiet “thud“.

No.. I wouldn’t be happy.

It struck me that even if I became a girl that G would like or what I thought G would like, it wouldn’t matter – Because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. For what it is worth, that list is probably inaccurate. The point is, I was trying to change to fit into what I thought G or somebody else would like. Changing for that reason wouldn’t have gone anywhere far because I would never be happy that way. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.

Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion

With the realization above, that was when it finally clicked that the relationship between G and me had been a mental illusion all along. Subconsciously, a part of me thought G and I would be together if I turned myself into Person X (with the X list of traits G was looking for). But the truth is, I can never be Person X. More importantly, I don’t want to be Person X. It is not what I see myself evolving into. This is not what I see to be in line with my growth, my life, my destiny.

Since the relationship between G and I can only exist if I’m Person X, in reality this relationship can never exist because I can never be Person X, nor do I want to be Person X.

It was a simple, yet powerful realization. When I realized that, it felt a veil that had been covering me all these years had finally been lifted from my head. I felt the fog around me was gone. I had finally freed myself from the mental shackles I had put on myself all along.

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next

Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 5 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been living under the shadow of this relationship all these years.

Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.

I’m glad to have finally gained closure on this and with myself after all these years. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The ones we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If you want to attract new possibilities, you need to first release the old baggage you are hanging on to.

Right now, some of you may be in an ambiguous relationship and not know what to do. Some of you may be in broken relationships. Some of you may be thinking of whether to return to a past relationship which didn’t end off well. Some of you may be trying to move on from an unhappy past relationship.

Many of us are usually not aware when they should be moving on – I was in this exact same situation. Part-4 of the series is here: 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship. It’s over 3,500 words long – I’ve spent deep thought writing this and I hope it will help you find out if it’s time for you to move on in your relationship.

Related Posts

• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
• How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 1: A Child’s Wish
• How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap

1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

A Standstill

© Antediluvial

The strange thing was, while G constantly hinted his interest in me, nothing ever happened beyond that. For several months, we trod on the very thin line that segmented close friends from a couple. Many of our coursemates thought we were a couple because we were so close. For what it was worth, I subconsciously thought so too, just that it wasn’t officialized.

I never took any overt action because I belonged to the old school thinking when it came to love. I didn’t think I should initiate anything if it was socially recognized that guys should take the lead. I guess more importantly, I wanted to protect my pride.

However, the lack of progress on the situation baffled and frustrated me. I asked myself: “Why isn’t he doing anything? What is stopping him? What exactly is he waiting for?”

An Earnest Confession

Not one to hang around with no end in sight, I finally decided to take a step forward. By then, we were 3rd year students and knew each other for 3 semesters. I was about to graduate soon, and if nothing happened we would be off in our separate paths. Since his behavior clearly indicated interest in me, I figured there was nothing to lose.

So, one day after school, we were walking in the campus alone. I mustered my courage and indirectly told him I liked him. Then, I waited for his response with abated breath.

What happened next left me completely bewildered. He didn’t say anything. No reply, nothing. It was totally unlike him at all.

In my heart, I panicked. In a bid to do damage control, I said something to cover up the silence, something about how I liked him because I thought he liked me, and if he didn’t like me then it was okay and it didn’t matter. He didn’t reply to that either.

I forgot what happened next, but the conversation suddenly went into a different tangent, about the future, life after school, etc. In that hour long conversation, he was back to his usual self, but he never addressed any of my earlier comments about liking him. Neither did he clarify whether he liked me or not.

At the end of the day, he sent me off at the bus stop, where I boarded my usual bus. In that 45 minute bus journey home, I was left in a state of confusion, shock and disappointment.

Confusion

Seriously, I didn’t know what to make out of it.

So did he like me or not? If he did why didn’t he say anything? Maybe he didn’t like me then. But wait – how could that be? There were clear signs he liked me, such as how he treated me, the things he said to me, and most important of all, our common friend’s confirmation. If this wasn’t interest, what was?

I was very confused. Very, very confused. I went over our experiences together and analyzed them one by one. I thought of all the possibilities behind his non-response. Maybe he liked me but he didn’t know how to take it forward? Maybe he was held back by reasons I was not privy to. Maybe I was wrong all along and he never did like me! Maybe… maybe he already liked someone else? Maybe he thought I was not good enough for him. Maybe I was not his type of girl. Maybe he was looking for a Christian (he was a devoted Christian) and I wasn’t. Hey, maybe he was being an asshole and he was leading me all this while to cheat my feelings. Maybe this was just his game and I was a toy in it.

Maybe… maybe… maybe. 1,001 maybes went through my head. Each was a possibility. Yet at the end of it, all I had were maybes. There were no concrete answers to unravel my confusion.

Heartbreak

Image ©

You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor.

For the first time, I felt my heart, break. Here was the guy who promised me he would never let me get hurt, who said he would earn my trust, who said he would always be there for me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the same guy who hurt me the most. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.

Many people knew me as a strong girl, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.

And for the most part, I did. On the outside, I dealt with it very well, appearing unfazed. I seemingly moved on with little downtime.

But inside me, was a little girl: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this guy, trusted him, fell for him, and this happened. I thought I at least deserved an explanation for what was going on. But I didn’t even get that. All I had were questions, a bunch of hypotheses, and no answers. I felt like some kind of fool, like I had been played around with. I felt worthless, like a piece of shit.

G was such a great guy. Ultimately, I recognized he had the opportunity to express his feelings but he didn’t. Either he didn’t like me or he didn’t like me enough to want to bring it forward. It was as simple as that. I thought maybe he didn’t like me because I wasn’t attractive, because I was tall and most guys preferred shorter girls, that I was too critical, that I was not feminine, that I was not well-tempered, that I was too forthright as a person, and a whole list of other shortcomings about me. I concluded that if he didn’t like me, it was because I wasn’t good enough.

Trying To Move On

Not wanting to be a loser who hung on even when the other person was not interested, I decided to let him go and start afresh. I stopped thinking of him as a romantic partner, saw him as just a good friend, and decided to continue this friendship with this new understanding. Having undergone a rollercoaster of emotions the past week, I thought it was the end of this episode.

Except it wasn’t. After the fateful day, he continued to behave like it was more than a friendship. I couldn’t fathom why he was still doing it if he didn’t like me. I mean, what the heck was wrong with him? First I gave him the chance to express his interest, and he didn’t. Then as I was trying to move on, there he was, preventing me from doing so. Was he having fun screwing around with my mind?

I confronted him about his behavior a few times. Whenever he did it, I told him to “Stop it” or asked “Why are you saying/doing this?”. Each time, he either feigned ignorance or kept quiet. And the same behavior continued afterward.

I hated him for doing this. Either he treated this like a proper friendship or moved it forward into a relationship. I couldn’t live in this ambiguity. I felt he was irresponsible in his actions and his words. Deep down, I resented him for that.

Deciding To Stay Away From Him

Since it didn’t seem he was going to stop his odd behavior, I decided to stay away from him. It was time to start my life on a fresh note.

At the end of 2005, I told him we should reduce contact for the aforementioned reasons. Again, he kept quiet. I took that as an affirmation.

So in our next semester (also my last semester in school), we didn’t take any classes together. We barely saw each other and our communication was at a minimum. I continued to do well in my last semester of studies and graduated from university. After that, I had a few months of break before I started my job in my ex-company. He continued with his final year in school, proceeding to work after that.

I had entered university full of hope and enthusiasm in 2003, thinking I might meet my special someone there. I never expected to have my heart broken instead. A part of me was filled with wistfulness, melancholy and sadness. I thought graduation in 2006 represented a final closure to this chapter. I thought I could finally make a clean cut and finally put all this behind me.

As it turned out, moving on wasn’t as easy as I thought. It would take 4 years and several inner realizations before I finally gained the closure I needed to properly move on.

This is part-2 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships. Continue on to Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On.

Related Posts

• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
• How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap
• How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 3: Revelation and Happiness

1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 10 Steps To Move On From A Relationship

My Journey With Love

© dev null

(Originally written and published on Mar 8, ’10)

To know whether something is meant to be yours, let go of it. If it returns, it has always been yours to have. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.

Today’s entry is going to be my deepest sharing here to date. All along, I have shared many personal stories such as past disappointment, past emotional stinginess, my period of slump, parting ways with my best friend of 10 years, etc. Today, I’m opening up to you in a way I have never done so before. I’m letting you in on a secret side of me, a side I only unveil to my closest friends.

I’m not sure if you have noticed, but I barely discuss my love life  here. It’s a part of me I have zealously kept safeguarded all this while. Out of my 140 entries, I have covered on almost every topic but love (save for 1 entry I wrote on 2009 Valentine’s Day on singlehood.)

However, this changes today as I share this with you, lock, stock and barrel. The truth is, my journey in love has not been smooth. There was a guy I liked 5 years ago, whom I’d refer to as G. G was the first guy I really liked. However, things did not work out and I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. For the next few years, I was subconsciously held back by this experience. It was in the past 1 year where I finally cleared off this baggage, healed my inner wound and liberated myself from the past.

I’ve been meaning to write about this and now I feel the time has come. I’m sharing this because I know there is at least one of you out there who will benefit from it. As you read this, I sincerely hope you can take away something for yourself.

This unveils the delicate and softer side of me, different from the usual go-getter Celes you associate with. But it’s me all the same – a me that has always been there, but you haven’t known about till today :).

Seeking My Soulmate

I have always been the die-hard romantic since young. Whether it was watching shows, dramas or playing games, I always enjoyed the love stories the most. I would relish in witnessing the characters meet each other, fall in love with each other and overcome trials and tribulations to be together. The main lead would always have a special someone – a soulmate, who held out for him/her, who was steadfast in his feelings and would give it all for person he/she loves. Their love stories would always pan out to happy endings. It was always a beautiful experience watching this unfold.

Other than experience love vicariously through these shows and games, I wanted to find my soulmate, the special someone whom I could connect with. While I’ve always been the strong, independent girl, there has always been a part of me who wants to be loved, protected and cared for. As I was growing up, I was not able to find this guy who matched what I was looking for. I was in a couple of relationships which lasted just a few weeks, and that was about it. I met new guys and occasionally went on dates, but I wasn’t interested in them.

Yet, I remained ever hopeful that my soulmate was out there and I would meet him in time to come.

Knowing G

I think it was during my 2nd year in university, 2004, when I first met G. I was 20 then. We had a couple of classes together and ended up as project mates in one of them. Many of my first few encounters with him were hazy. What I distinctly recall was I totally did not consider him a potential romantic interest. This was such an irony on hindsight.

Our friendship started like any other. We worked together in projects and met in classes. We occasionally ran into each other on the campus. When we did, we would hang out to chat, getting to know each other in the process. Because of our positive experience working together, we arranged to take more modules together in the next semester.

Getting Closer

© bigoteetoe

During the next semester, with 3 of 5 modules together, we saw each other more frequently. We would always sit next to each other in class. During class, we would write and pass notes to each other; notes which were sometimes relevant to the class and many times, not. Outside of class, we would meet up for project work. A large portion of our time on campus was spent with each other. When we were out of campus, we would be in contact via email, sms or chat. Our friendship gradually evolved from one of normal friends, to good friends, to very good friends.

As I got to know him better, I was very impressed by him. He was very smart and capable, easily one of the smartest person I knew then. He was reputed among teachers and students alike for his top results. We clicked intellectually, in a way I couldn’t with others. For his abilities and achievements, he was amazingly humble. He never spoke about them until he was asked, and even then he wouldn’t talk much. His kindness also won me over. He had a heart of gold. I never once remembered him expressing negative intent of any sort towards anyone.

To top it off, G would treat me in a special way. He was very sweet to me. He would always be carrying my stuff for me, rain or shine, whether it was my books or my laptop. When I was down and out, he was there with me, listening and supporting in a quiet manner. There were several incidences when I felt frustrated, and he would be patiently hearing me out. I was moved by his patience and kindness. I began to open up to him more and more.

Developing Feelings

G’s behavior toward me was beyond just “good friends”. There was something about the things he did, the words he said, his behavior around me. I definitely knew the difference between behavior that was nice and behavior that was romantic. I had several very good guy friends and their actions toward me could be described as “nice” and “caring”, but definitely not romantic.

G’s actions and words toward me were clearly more romantic than platonic, and different from how he acted toward other girls too. When we talked, he hinted about liking me, saying things such as how he liked looking at me, how I was “his Celes”, that he felt “jealous” when I mentioned other guys, and the like. Whenever we were together, I could feel his attention was focused on me, to the extent it made me feel weird. He made promises, such as to respond to any communication from me within 24 hours, no matter how busy he was. He said no matter what happened, he would never let me get hurt. And so on.

Because of that, I really thought G liked me. I talked about him with several of my close friends, both girls and guys, and they unanimously agreed. This hypothesis was sealed when a trusted friend between me and G confirmed that.

To be honest, I was really flattered. I thought G was an incredible person. I really felt he was. For him to like me – I didn’t even know what exactly he saw in me. I had never tried to hide myself when I was with him. As a result, he had seen some of my worst sides, some of which I wasn’t exactly proud of. I was boisterous, hot-headed, blunt, inconsiderate, self-centered, critical and judgmental. He, on the other hand, was kind, caring, smart, capable, calm, composed, charismatic, patient, gentlemanly, sweet – the list could go on and on.

Yet at the same time, I felt we were very compatible. While I was the Type A, fiery and go-getter girl, he was the calm and cool-headed dude who balanced me off. We were both driven and competent in our own rights, always setting goals and achieving them. We were both accomplished individuals, be it in academics or otherwise. In University, we were Dean Listers, actively involved in inter-school competitions/activities, often invited to exclusive event for top students and had our futures sealed with top companies. He was pretty much what I was looking for – in many ways, more.

I thought I had finally found my soulmate and began to fall for him. I thought I could finally start my love story. Little did I expect I was in for a heartbreak later on.

This is part-1 of a 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships. Continue on to Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness.

Related Posts

• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
• My Journey with Emotional Eating, Part 1: Food as a Symbol of Love
• My Journey with Emotional Eating, Part 2: Deep Entanglement

“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I’.”- Ayn Rand (in The Fountainhead)

“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self.” – Jo Courdert

Love. Soulmate. The One. Relationship. Marriage. Eternal Bliss.

There are several topics in life which attract a lot of desperation. Love is one of them. Specifically, singlehood when it comes to love.

I know it because I’m single, and I have a lot of single friends. Over the years, I’ve constantly heard people around me, including myself, look upon friends getting attached, lament about our singlehood, about the (poor) quality of people we are meeting, why we’re not meeting our special someone, when we’ll meet our soulmate, whether we’re even have a soulmate, and so on. Even when I was surfing through the internet the past couple of days, I came across various posts and comments by different people, sighing about their state of singlehood and spending Valentine’s Day alone (it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow as I’m writing this).

Singlehood = Incomplete?

Image ©

Somehow, the mainstream society seems to be hovering at the belief that we are only complete when we have found our life partner – our soulmate. This belief is upheld by many factors around us, such as the wondrous bliss and happiness that’s emanated by people around us who are attached, the romanticization of being together with someone in TV and media, societal and familial pressures to get married, and so on.

Personally as a girl, I’m a true blue romantic at heart. Romantic comedies is my favorite genre of movies and I absolutely relish in the romance aspect of shows I watch. I believe in the concept of soulmates and there being a special someone out there for all of us. I feel extremely happy for people around me who are happily attached.

But the society seems to have portrayed singlehood as some sort of a disease, rather than a perfectly fine state in itself. Because of this, singlehood has become a topic associated with desperation. Many believe that they’re incomplete until they find their soulmate.

Desperation and Singlehood

This leads to anxiety and desperation surrounding the topic, which leads to many pulling their hairs out trying to find ‘the one’. They think about it every day, every time they see couples, every time they see or hear about their friends getting attached, every time they witness a wedding, and every time Valentine’s Day arrives.

The problem is, because these actions are driven or partially driven by acts of desperation, their objective of having a relationship becomes to complete themselves and achieve their idealized state of happiness. They start getting into relationships for the sake of getting into one, rather than because of real, unconditional love.

This desperation leads them to two possible outcomes. The first, they attract and enter into suboptimal relationships. They get together with people who are either not right for them, do not elevate them to become better people or do not treat them with the level of respect they deserve, leading to constant unhappiness and eventual heartache. The second outcome is depression or disappointment when they cannot find the person of their dreams or when they break up with their previous partner.

Myself as a Single

At the time of writing this, I’m single, 24. There have been guys who have entered my life before but I have never been in a serious relationship before. I also have numerous friends my age who have been single their whole lives.

When I was younger, I didn’t think too much about getting a relationship nor gave any special heed to guys around me, partially because my parents had a mandate that I was not allowed to get into a relationship until I graduated (from university! They are really traditional people). While I didn’t specifically tried to adhere to that mandate, I believe it played a subconscious role in my nonchalance towards getting into a relationship in my adolescence years and subsequently remaining in a state of singlehood.

Looking For Mr. Right

In the past few years however, I started opening myself up more and more to looking out for Mr. Right. It was an action that was driven by many varying factors around me. During Chinese New Year, relatives would curiously probe if I have a boyfriend. Friends around me started getting attached, one by one. Whenever I catch up with old friends, they would ask me if I’m attached yet. I started hearing of friends getting wedding invitations from their peers. Common topics among friends included singlehood, dating and relationships and there was a certain exasperation surrounding being single and how ‘time was running out’.

As I opened myself up to the prospect to finding my special someone, I got to know more guys. Over the years, there have been various different guys who expressed interest. However, I just never seemed to find the right match amongst them.

Frustration Surrounding Singlehood

It would get depressing at sometimes. I had different hypotheses, from there being something wrong with the guys around me, me not looking hard enough and not looking in the right places, me being too successful and as a result, intimidating to guys. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I wondered if I was ever going to meet my special someone and if I was going to be single for the rest of my life. I wondered my soulmate accidentally died at some point and I was never going to meet him since he was dead. I wondered if I even had a soulmate to begin with. There was a certain tinge of desperation I viewed for my future, regarding relationships.

It was frustrating. I sat down to really think through this issue. I didn’t understand why something like being in a relationship could actually drive someone to such level of unhappiness. Shouldn’t relationships be a happy thing? Isn’t it supposed to bring me infinite joy? Why would something that is supposed to bring me bliss result in so much unhappiness in myself?

Realization That I Am Complete

It was from my introspection and probing that it finally hit home – I was looking at all of this the wrong way. All the frustration, anticipation and expectations on getting a relationship arose because I was looking for a relationship to complete myself.

For example, I was deferring various aspects of my life to begin only till I find my soulmate. I would think of about how I would go to this place as a romantic getaway when I get together with my special someone. I would think about buying couple gifts with my soulmate. I would see certain items and think about how nice it would be when I get them as gifts from my partner the next time. It resulted in hidden tension and anxiety towards finding my life partner.

The truth is, I am already complete by myself. There is no need for my life partner to enter into my life before all those things can happen. I can already be doing them as and when I want to. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that I should be putting my life on hold.

I was looking at a relationship as two halves forming a whole, when it should be about two wholes forming a bigger union. When I released myself of my limiting perception, that was when my views towards relationships totally changed. I stopped hinging expectations towards when I should get into a relationship and how it should be like. I stopped looking at relationships with a feeling of desperation. I became grounded in myself. I became truly and perfectly happy in the state of singlehood.

Does this mean I don’t want to be in a relationship? No, I do want to be in a relationship. The difference is that desire stopped being rooted in fear-based emotions. It became rooted in groundedness and love-based emotions. (see next section)

Are You Complete By Yourself?

Are you complete by yourself? There is a huge difference on your perceptions and attitudes towards relationships between when you think of yourself as an incomplete person and when you think of yourself as already complete.

This can be an elusive quality. In the face of this question, many people will be quick to jump to their own defense and reply ‘yes, I’m complete’. But understand that being ‘complete’ is a state that is all encompassing. It is beyond just ‘thinking’ that you are complete. It emanates from your thoughts, emotions, actions and behaviors.

As I mentioned in my personal story above, being complete does not mean there is no reason to be in a relationship anymore. It means looking at relationships from a totally different viewpoint. It means looking towards relationships to supplement you, rather than completing you. It means you start truly living life and stop becoming bothered by whether you are single or attached.

Below are eight attributes that differentiate both viewpoints of seeing yourself as incomplete vs. seeing yourself as complete:

1. Half vs. Whole: The former views relationship as a union of two halves to form a whole. The latter views relationship as a union between two wholes to form a larger whole.
2. Desperation vs. Groundedness: The former results in desperation to get into a relationship, or refusal to let go when the relationship is not a right fit. The latter results in deep-seatedness in yourself. The latter means you only get into a relationship that is right for you and you readily let go of a relationship that is not a right fit.
3. Myopia vs. Clarity: The former results in a lack of self-awareness, lack of clarity of what’s best for yourself or disregard of it. The latter results in full clarity on what you want and pursuit of only what is best for you.
4. Fear-based vs. Love-based: The former is driven by fear-based emotions, such as anxiety, ego, pride and fear. The latter is driven by love-based emotions, such as true, authentic and unconditional love, willingness and courage.
5. Negative vs. Positivity: The former results in negative feelings towards relationships or during the course of the relationship, such as misery, anger, hatred, heartache and unhappiness. The latter leads to positive feelings, such as abundance, bliss, joy, happiness. Contrary to popular belief, hate is not the result of love. Hate is the result of pride. True unconditional love does not result in hatred.
6. Subjectivity vs. Objectivity: The former leads to irrationality and what people refer to as ‘blinded by love’. The second is rooted in objectivity.
7. Poor quality relationships vs. Soulmate relationships: The former attracts negative relationships into your life. When you view a relationship as something that completes you, you attract other people who have this mindset too, and that leads to a relationship which is rooted in fear and negativity. The latter attracts your soulmate relationship, one that elevates you, makes you a better person, brings you actual bliss and joy.
8. Dependency vs. Independency: The former leads to dependency and reliance on the partner in the relationship and withdrawals without the partner. The latter leads to symbiotic, interdependent roles in a relationship but at the same time, full independency by yourself.

How To Become Complete By Yourself

There are several thoughts people unknowingly adopt which result in an incomplete perception of themselves. Below are three guiding checkpoints in becoming a fully, complete person:

1. Love Yourself Unconditionally.

Do you love yourself fully and unequivocally?

Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at where you stand in your life currently. Look at everything about yourself and examine them thoroughly. Are there aspects of yourself which you dislike? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Is there anything that you wish is different about yourself? If there are, what are they? Write these down.

Next, examine yourself again in the same areas and look for the aspects which you like. What do you like about yourself? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Skillsets? Abilities? Beliefs? What have people complemented you on before? What were some of your greatest accomplishments that you are proud of? When were the times when you felt really proud of something you have done? Write them down.

Now, look at your dislikes and your likes. Realize that your dislikes are part of what contributed you to becoming the person you are today. Without them, the other parts of you which you like wouldn’t have existed. Love who you are right now, unconditionally. While you can work on addressing those dislikes and improving yourself, you need to start off from a point where you already unequivocally love who you are right now. Improving yourself will just make you love yourself even more.

2. Be Completely Happy By Yourself.

Are you happy being by yourself? Do you love spending time with yourself? If you are to find out that you are going to be by yourself for the rest of your life, will you be completely happy?

This is a second level check to the first point. If you already love yourself unconditionally, you will be completely happy by yourself. You won’t look towards someone else to complete you and make you happy. Don’t look towards a relationship as an end point where eternal happiness can be attained. Complete happiness is already possible and attainable right now, at this moment, by yourself. It is not conditional upon being in a relationship. In fact, many people are in relationships but are not happy, because these are suboptimal relationships that are rooted in fear-based emotions.

3. Live Life To The Fullest.

Are you living life to your fullest now, or are you deferring certain aspects of living till when you get into a relationship? Are you waiting for your special someone to come along before you can do X, Y, Z things?

When you do that, you put off living till an arbitrary point in the future. There is no need to wait to get into a relationship before you can be completely happy. Think about what can you do today that will make you completely happy. What can you do with friends, family and people around you as you live life to the fullest? Do you want to go to a certain country? Want to have a certain gift for yourself? Go do them now or plan to get them done. Don’t defer it till you get into a relationship.

Being Complete

When you start seeing yourself as complete, getting into a relationship becomes something that is supplementary and will make you a fuller person, vs. a prerequisite to make you whole. Since you do not look towards having a relationship to complete yourself, your attitude towards love and relationship stops becoming rooted in fear and desperation. You stop looking at singlehood as an undesirable state.

You start becoming grounded. You start to know what you want and what’s truly right for you. You become full of self confidence, love and happiness. While you look towards being in a relationship someday, at the same time, you are perfectly happy being by yourself.

Post note @ 16 Feb, 12:45pm: Commenter Kris shared a link which exemplifies the essence of this whole article in pictorial format. Check out the site here: The Missing Piece Meets The Big O. Thanks Kris for sharing!

Check out the other articles in People & Relationship series:

• You are the Average of the 5 People You Spend the Most Time With
• Why I Parted Ways With My Best Friend of 10 Years
• How I Moved On From A Heartbreak (5-part series)
• 10 Tips To Make New Friends
• How To Handle Bullying: An Important Guide

Articles in Dealing with People series:

• How To Deal With Energy Vampires
• 7 Tips To Tackle Naysayers in Your Life
• 8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
• How To Deal With Dishonest People
• How To Deal With Rude People (3-part series)

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