How I Found My Soulmate, Part 4: How I Realized Ken is The One for Me Forever

This is part 4 of my love series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate (Ken Soh), and how to attract authentic love into your life. If you haven’t, read Part 1: My Journey in LovePart 2: Appearance of Ken Soh (Someone I Knew Before) and Part 3: Addressing My Inner Demons first.

Frozen, in a moment in time

Frozen, in a moment in time (Photo from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot)

First 24 Hours After Getting Together

After Ken and I got together, I wasn’t too sure where things would go. I was happy that we were attached but I didn’t know what to expect with our new relationship status.

My plan was to take things slow. So much so that I shied away from telling anyone about our relationship, save for two close friends.  Later that night (still the same day), Ken and I spoke on the phone:

  • Ken: You know, earlier today you said that you told your two close friends about our relationship and they are very happy for you.
  • Me: Yeah?
  • Ken: I told my friends about us too and they are very happy for me as well.
  • Me: Really? How many friends did you tell? 
  • Ken: *gushing* Uhm, 20? Sweat smilie(LOL)

Ken’s Sweetness

Ken’s excitement, forthcomingness and child-like attitude towards our relationship was (and still remains) very sweet. While most guys play things cool or hide their feelings, Ken isn’t like that at all.

He was so excited about our relationship that he couldn’t hold back from telling all his close friends, family, and relatives that day. While getting attached used to be just an “okay, that’s it” event to him, he was thoroughly excited by us getting together — something he had never felt before with any other girl.

(Ken had been in quite a number of relationships before and had seen his fair share of girls, to the point where he just stayed single after almost nine years of consecutive relationships. He just didn’t feel a need to be attached again anymore, until we met again.)

He referred to himself as being “truly in love” for the first time: a feeling he might have thought he knew before, only to realize he never did until we got together.

Little boy and girl running on the field

I was warmed by Ken’s love and enthusiasm. I loved his sensitivity, reliability, kindness, caringness, patience, and sweetness. He was a guy I could see myself with in life because of his emotional openness, big heart, and genuine care towards me.

Uncertainty

At the same time, I was unsure about our long-term future, primarily because we didn’t feel mentally compatible (as in, sharing the same consciousness level, having an interest in intellectual talk, and sharing a passion for growth).

In our early Whatsapp chats, we tended to chat about daily mundanes and what we were up to. It seemed normal since we were just reacquainting.

Ken asking me if I like cats

An example of our more casual exchanges; this one was on May 3, two days before we got together.

(Subsequently I adopted the nickname “kitty” in our relationship. Today Ken calls me “Maomao” (cat in Chinese), “Maomao Chua”, and “Kitty Soh”, among other nicks. =^..^= )

As we got closer, we would have more involving discussions, from talking about people, life, and events; to sharing about our lives; to sharing our opinions; to learning from each other’s sharing.

While our conversations would always be constructive and emotionally rewarding, I did wonder (before we got together) if Ken was capable of exchanges at a higher, more intellectual level. I ideally wanted a partner who was mentally compatible with me (on top of being emotionally compatible), so that we could have intellectual and consciousness-raising discussions and push each other to grow in life.

Ken is high on his emotional quotient and we connect very well on the emotional level, but I wasn’t sure if he was particularly conscious, highly intellectual, or passionate about self-development.

Seeking Mental Compatibility Cues

So I tried to sniff them out.

During the times we hung out with his friends, I observed his interactions with them. Nothing stood out in his exchange.

I kept my ears peeled during our chats, but there was nothing really intellectually ground-breaking.

I also observed his day-to-day activities outside work: clubbing, karaoke, daily lunch with his mom, and heading to the local mall to play arcade games. Lunch with mom suggested filial piety which I already knew and appreciated about him. However, there was nothing that might have suggested he enjoys brain work or is interested in personal development.

Disappointment

Initially I was disappointed. I thought it would be great if we were mentally compatible.

Girl at window, looking out

This was especially because we were actually very highly compatible on the other three areas that make up the ethos of our existence: emotional, physical, and spiritual.

Emotionally, Ken is beyond what I could have ever asked for. I had always wanted someone kind: Ken is not only kind, but also sensitive, reliable, open, caring, empathetic, patient, and sweet.

Physically, Ken is again beyond what I could have asked for. My physical criteria for guys had always been to be (a) at least my height (1.7 m) and (b) presentable-looking. Ken beat those criteria to a pulp by being 1.81 m tall, well-built, charming, good-looking, and takes care to dress himself well.

Spiritually, Ken is also a match. We began to dream about each other within weeks of reacquainting; I also felt increasingly drawn to him as we spent more time chatting, which I could only explain as a soul-level connection. I knew that this spiritual bond would only get stronger as we got closer.

How nice it would be if we were mentally compatible, I thought. He’s already a perfect match emotionally, physically, and spiritually; it’s a pity that we can’t be a 100% mental match too.

Self-reconciliation

After some thought, I realized I was okay with not having full mental compatibility. I realized what I truly needed in a partner was emotional availability, kindness, and caringness, and Ken was already all of that, plus some more. I couldn’t have asked for more.

I didn’t feel that I needed someone who 100% matched me on all four levels. That’s probably impossible, I thought. I can always turn to my more intellectual friends if I ever need mental stimulation. I figured I could just settle for a 20–30% mental connection with Ken and celebrate our 100% connection on the other levels. 

Maybe the mental aspect of me is something I’ll never get to share fully with my partner. 

That was what I surmised.

A Surprise

Bedtime Phone Chat

On May 7, two nights after we got together, Ken was waiting for me for our usual bedtime phone chat. I was working on some stuff then, so he patiently waited for me to finish before calling.

Number pad

Turned out that I was only done at 4am (very typical of me <.<). While I wanted him to sleep as he had to work the next day, Ken still wanted to chat a bit before turning in. So we did.

During the call, we updated each other on our day besides what we had already shared on Whatsapp earlier. We drifted into random topics, from his job, to my previous job, to his friends, to my friends. Our conversation was both constructive and emotional rewarding as it would usually be.

Into the Conversation

Somewhere along the call, I started sharing a deeper-level perspective to something we were discussing. Something about worldviews, life philosophies, and the importance of assuming control over external variables in one’s life to live a more fruitful life.

I wasn’t sure why I did that actually; we had never chatted at that level before. Our conversations were usually more discussions about people, things, events, and ourselves — never life philosophies, worldviews, intellectual theories, or ideologies.

I expected that Ken would not comprehend the depth of what I just said and he would respond with a casual remark, something which I would have been okay with. After all, that’s the kind response I get in my day-to-day conversations with people, since not everyone thinks in the same way I do (and I don’t expect them to either).

Beyond My Wildest Imagination

To my surprise, Ken actually picked up on my comment. In a voice different and more serious-sounding than his usual one, he began to address my viewpoint and offer an perspective and argument alternate to mine.

o_O

I was surprised. Did I just hear him right? I thought. Vocal similarities aside, this person sounded completely different from the person I had been chatting with for the past few weeks.

Slightly confused, I nonetheless responded with a build on my stance along with an analysis and detailed elaboration, while addressing his points. I thought our conversation was going to draw to a close now because the discussion was now heading into a level which I rarely, if ever, speak to people at.

To my surprise again, Ken promptly responded again, this time building on his perspective further and supporting it with the same detail in elaboration and providing his own analogies, while addressing my points. This back-and-forth exchange went on for quite a few more rounds.

A Mind-Blowing Moment

By the time we were done (and reached a common conclusion which matched both our stances), my brain had exploded in its skull. I felt like I had just sat through one of the most intelligent conversations in my life: our conversation had reached a level which I had never experienced before with anyone.

Not only that, I gained a new paradigm of thinking which I had never considered before (and so did he, I believe). I felt like I had just gained a one-up in my mental thinking.

I could only think, Holy molly mother of cows!!! This guy is actually very smart!!!!!

Shocked baby

This was how shocked I was, at 6am in the morning

Breaking of Dawn

At this point it was already early morning, 6am IIRC. With a look of disbelief, I asked, “Do you know you are actually very smart?”

Ken thought for a second and said, “Yeah.”

Me: “When did you start being, err, this way?”

Ken thought for a moment. “Hmm, I’ve always been very observant of tiny little details since young. From colors to words to little details of things, I would be aware of them and remember them very vividly. Initially I thought everyone was like that, but then I realized that it isn’t true.

“Then in school I would do very well (Ken was constantly the top student in his school) even though I hardly studied, fooled around in class and constantly played video games. Somehow I could easily breakdown and remember everything I read. Then every now and then I like to read books to further my knowledge.”

“Then how come you don’t appear like this when with others?” I asked candidly.

Ken: “Well, there’s no need to go all out because people may not understand what I’m trying to say. Preserving the group harmony is more important. However, I definitely don’t hold back when it comes to work, since I’m hired to give my best for the company.”

A Conversation That Would Not End

We proceeded to chat for the next… not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but six hours.

Chatting endlessly under the stars

By the time we were done, we had talked for a full eight and a-half hours (filled with solid exchanges, not frivolous banter). We had chatted from 4am all the way to 12:30pm in the afternoon — without sleeping the day before.

And that’s not all — the reason we had to hang up had nothing to do with us feeling tired and wanting to sleep. It was because Ken had a work meeting to attend. In fact, we ended the call feeling all revved up from our exchanges, despite not having slept for the past 26 hours.

A New Realization; A Hint That There Was Something Special

By then I was blown out of my mind, because I could feel that there was now something really serious going on in this relationship. Not that I didn’t think so before (else I wouldn’t have agreed to be with him), but this was beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

With this eight-and-a-half-hour phone chat, our already-strong connection was bumped up to an all-new level. Not only are we emotionally, physically, and spiritually compatible, we are actually very mentally compatible, to the point where we can talk non-stop for eight and a-half hours without trying.

Personally, I had never had such a long phone call (or even in-person conversation for that matter) with anyone up till then. My longest ever phone conversation in the past was — I don’t know — three hours and forty-five minutes? Neither had he too (he said his longest phone conversation was one plus hour tops with his exes; even then they would be chatting about casual stuff, not deep exchanges like what we just did).

If not for Ken’s meeting, we would have gone on and on. We ended the call not because we wanted to, but because we had to.

This was the first time when I thought, Hey, I think this is someone I can see myself with… for life.

Smiling at the man of my life

Realizing Ken is “The One”

Subsequently, many things happened rapidly in the next few weeks which made me realize — beyond any reason of doubt — that Ken is the one for me.

If I was to explain in terms of our overall relationship dynamics,

  • Ken loves me for who I am, completely. He constantly tells me he loves me, how I’m perfect and the only woman he’ll ever want for the rest of his life, and how he loves everything about me: from my looks, to my personality, to my work.For example, while I don’t see myself as being more successful than him (we are both doing well in our paths), he told me before that he loves the fact that I’m a strong and confident woman and he has totally no issue if his girlfriend is more successful than him or earns more than he does (at that time we were not engaged yet).

    He said that not because I was actually earning more than him then (it depends) but because he wants me to soar to my greatest height. Unlike men who get intimidated by strong women, he’s thoroughly confident in himself and loves that I’m always striving to be the best that I can be.

  • He cares for me with every ounce of his soul. 
    • The look of anxiousness on his face over anything concerning me — you will never see this look on anyone except say, your next-of-kin. And he never gets fazed by anything else, being a highly calm and composed person (maybe because of his build and past martial arts training).
    • He fusses over me 24/7 and takes care of my every need: from cooking for me, to doing the laundry, to washing the dishes, to paying for our expenses, to tucking me into bed every night, to pouring a glass of water for me every morning after I wake up so that I get hydrated. And I have never asked him to do them; he just does because: “I just like taking care of you,” he says.

      Caesar Salad

      Home-made salad by Ken. He makes salad for me every day because he knows I like to eat that. :)

    • How much I matter to him. One time early on in our relationship, I went over to his house to give him a surprise. Simple gesture on my part, took no effort at all.Upon seeing me, his face changed from shock, to surprise, to 100% pure joy, all in one instant. In fact, he was so happy that he started blushing and getting a little teary. I was taken aback. It made me realize, Hey, I really matter to him.
  • He is always there for me rain or shine, night or day. Just some examples: 
    • One time I was feeling upset about something. He immediately packed his laptop and traveled from his house to my house (at that time we were not staying together yet) just to accompany me — at 3+am in the morning. This was despite me repeatedly telling him not to do so. See you in 30 minutes, he said on the phone, before appearing at my house a short while later.Note he actually had to work that day (and hence brought his laptop). Ken stays in Hougang and me in Teck Whye. For those of you not in Singapore, that’s quite far apart: one and a-half hours by public transport and 35 minutes by cab. He didn’t have to come see me but he did, because “I just don’t want you to go through this alone.”
    • The times I was sick, he was by my side 24/7 taking care of me, feeding me, changing my cooling pack, tucking me in, etc.
    • During my recent root canal treatments, he accompanied me all the way to the hospital and waited for me at the lobby until I was done (each treatment would be over one hour), before bringing me home. Since he had to work, he simply brought his laptop and worked while on the go (Ken’s job doesn’t require him to report to the office).
  • We can talk non-stop to each other about anything. From uttering complete nonsense, to bantering frivolously, to engaging in intellectual debates, we can just go on and on and on without stopping. There are often times when we lay on the bed chatting all through the night, only to realize morning is already here and we have not slept. When we are out or at home and not working, we would be just talking all the time about anything in the world. Talking aside, we can also be completely at ease being silent and just enjoying each other’s company. This is a kind of connection you do not find with anyone in the world, even if both of you have the intention to build a connection.
  • He is completely open with his emotions. No hiding, no closing off, no emotional unavailability. Ken wears his heart on his sleeve with me.
  • We can be our natural selves with each other. 
    • While we may have to self-monitor our behavior a little or exude a slightly different persona with others, with each other we are just totally ourselves. We can be goofy with each other, talk seriously, sound off whatever is on our mind (even the unhappy things), and be each other’s confidants.
    • And by goofy, I mean really crazy wacked out  behavior. Just the icing on the cake:
      • One time we were eating grapes and I had this crazy idea to throw grapes (one at a time) into his mouth from a distance and have him catch them. Ken’s mouth is the basket and he’s supposed to move around to catch the grapes too as I throw them. (I had many missed shots but eventually did get at least one in, haha! It was hilarious!)

        Grapes

      • A recurring theme between us is hide-and-seek, where I would hide in different spots of the house (whenever I get the opportunity to) and he would immediately know to look for me once he sees me missing. Some places I’ve hid before: Inside the wardrobe, toilet, storeroom, under the bed, and under the table (LOL).
      • Another recurring game between us is that I will sometimes be sitting on my office chair and start wheeling around in the house in the midst of work (with no one else at home of course). He’ll then drop whatever he’s doing to fetch me and wheel me back to my work desk as I pretend to be “driving” the chair, haha!
  • While I don’t need a partner who is romantic, he does the most romantic things for me (he never did these in his past relationships):
    • He sings me to sleep at night. 
    • When we are at home, we would slow dance to him singing ballads, such as Eyes on Me.
    • He likes to carry me around at home so that I can touch the ceiling.
    • When we are out, he piggybacks me because it’s fun.
    • He wishes me “Happy XXth month anniversary” when the clock strikes 12 on the fifth of every month. (We got together on 5 May.) He got me a beautiful bouquet of flowers on our first-month anniversary, even though we didn’t talk about celebrating the day at all. (Subsequently I told him not to buy anymore flowers because it’s expensive and I don’t want him to waste the money.)
    • He likes surprising me with heart shapes in our meals. For example:

      Heart shape in soup, made of vegetarian bacon bits

      Mushroom soup, my favorite. :) He cooked the soup and created the heart shape with vegetarian bacon bits. :)

      Peas, arranged in a heart shape

      Chickpeas, peas, corn, and a walnut, all arranged in a heart shape. :) This was after our second month together.

      Heart-shaped bread

      Wholemeal bread with nutella. He bit the bread into a heart. Haha. :)

    • He repeatedly affirms his love for me, even though I don’t need it. He’s always telling me every day that I’m his perfect woman, his soulmate; that we’ll be together forever; and I’m his one and only, the only person he ever wants to be in this lifetime, the next lifetime, and all other lifetimes till the end of time.
  • We resolve conflicts right away. Like anyone building a a close connection, we have conflict comments, though uncommon. When we do, we never leave the issues hanging for long. We resolve them right away, and we don’t just address them on the surface too: we deep dive and address the root cause(s).
  • He has made huge changes in his life because he wants the best for me. Note that I have never asked nor expected him to make any of these changes; he has made them because he chose to and he wanted to. For example:
    • Quit smoking: Prior to meeting, Ken was a heavy smoker who had been smoking for six years (12–15 cigarettes every day). He had always wanted to quit, to no avail.A week after we got together, he quit smoking. Completely. 

      He had to tough out three weeks of severe coughing though due to detox from all those years of smoking, but he did it. He has not smoked a puff since then.

      Cigarette box

      No more cigarettes

      While he would say that he was able to quit because I helped him to uncover (and unchain) his underlying smoking triggers, I say he takes full credit for kicking the addiction because he’s the one who went through the whole detox and stopped smoking. Me, I’m just a catalyst and a pillar of support.

      His parents and good friends were completely flabbergasted because they (even his exes in past relationships) had always been telling him to stop smoking, to no avail.

      His reason for quitting? I want to be healthy so I can grow old and take care of you forever.

    • Reduced drinking: He used to be a heavy drinker, drinking eight pints every time he was out clubbing/socializing (which would be several times a week). He would also drink a fair bit while he was at home. After we got attached, he reduced his drinking a lot. Now he only drinks one glass every three weeks or so.
    • Stopped clubbing: He used to club three times a week because he loves music and dancing. Now he doesn’t club anymore because he wants to be a “family man” for me.
    • Became more family oriented: He spends a lot lesser time on other activities now because he prefers spending time together with me. He tidies his room (he never cared to before) because he wants to create a homely environment for me. Besides his day job, he wants to earn additional income (such as giving tuition) as we can create a better future together with more money (e.g., getting our new home).

I can go on and on, but you should get the point by now.

Because of our seamless match, our relationship flows very easily: it forges itself without us trying to do anything.

Two weeks after I got together with Ken on 5 May, I moved into his place (we alternate between staying at his home and my home nowadays; our parents stay with us). Many people reacted with fear-based reactions, which subsequently taught me not to share too much about our relationship without first setting the context because most people “simply wouldn’t understand”.

He subsequently proposed to me on June 25 (my birthday), less than two months after we got attached. We are planning to marry on May 25 next year (more in a later announcement). 

(More on his proposal, where he set 555 heart-shaped balloons into the sky after I said “yes”: The Day I Was Proposed To (Thank You Ken Soh :) ).)

Our Relationship Today

Today we have been together for almost five months. Each day gets better than the last.

The ring

Him holding my hand

A Soul-level Connection

While five months may seem short to many in Earth time, we feel like we are old souls who have known each other forever. Ken and I believe we knew each other from a previous lifetime (at least one; could be more). Our lives have seamlessly blended into one another’s, to the point where we now operate as one unit while having our independent lives and thoughts.

Looking back, too many things match up to the point where we suspect our relationship was planned right from the start, even before we were even born. I believe our spirit guides nudged us into place to make it happen.

Some unexplainable synchronicities include:

  • Us first meeting nine years ago only to reacquaint four and a-half years later, only to reacquaint another four and-a-half years later.
  • My tarot card reading in Spain in 2011 which (in retrospect) foreshadowed Ken’s entrance.
  • The exact lineup in our personalities and thinking. I’m a thinker, he’s a feeler; I’m intuitive, he’s sensorial; I’m the expressive extrovert, he’s the patient introvert; I’ve a more vibrant and creative energy, his is one of calmness and stability; and many more. We have never met another who fits each of us in the manner we do to each other, all at the same time. Not even close.
  • How Ken thought about being open to relationships again in about late Feb this year, which was the exact same period when I decided I was done looking for someone and was going to focus on self over finding love
  • Him suddenly thinking of organizing his contact list one night (he never ever thinks of doing that), which led to him seeing my name, which led to us reconnecting while I was in South Africa
  • How we got together on May 5, 5:55am (the number five has a significance to Ken; us getting together on that date/time was not planned).

On the bridge

Us on a bridge at Kelvingrove Park

We believe nothing happened in the first two times we met because we were still growing in our paths. We were not emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually ready to be together.

But our spirit guides didn’t give up and kept putting us back together. And third time is the charm.

By then, we have completely come into our own and built our lives, which was why we simply *clicked* and got together so quickly after that one “hello” message.

Our connection then quickly built on itself and simply spiraled higher and higher and reached its highest level (at our current consciousness level) within a few months, whereby we are now sailing through life together every day as one entity even though we are technically two different individuals.

Ken and I believe we are twin souls who have known each other from before and have pledged to come together in each lifetime. What this link says about Twin Souls describes what Ken and I believe to be the epicenter of our relationship to a strong tee:

Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together.

Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be “practice” for the twin, the ultimate relationship.

From: Center of Soul Evolution, on Twin Flames

Boyfriend, fiance, husband-to-be, husband, life partner, etc. — these are all just labels in the end. Ultimately, Ken is more than any of that to me: he’s my soul’s true mate. My soulmate. And so am I to him.

What Helped Me To “Find” Ken

Hand in hand, together forever :)

I’ve sort of littered these lessons throughout my story, but in short these are the things which helped me to find and eventually be together with Ken:

  1. By focusing on my path “over” finding someone (Part two)
  2. By first developing myself, coming into my own, and growing into my highest self (though I believe it’s possible to find your partner even as you are growing, since life is a work-in-progress) (Part one)
  3. By following the path of love vs. fear, taking a leap of faith, and not letting my fears get in the way of knowing and eventually being with someone (Parts two and three)
  4. By recognizing what is my most-valued criteria in a partner (emotional compatibility), which allowed me to get together with Ken (vs. filtering him away), eventually realizing he actually is my ideal partner all along (Part four, above)
  5. By quickly addressing all my personal issues and baggages early on in life so that I was ready to build my highest connection with Ken by the time he re-entered my life

What’s Next in The Series

Due to reader requests, I’m now planning a part five in the series where Ken gets to share his side of the story, Q&A style, so that you get to hear from the other person/guy’s perspective! I think this will be useful for those of us who want to get into a conscious relationship to get the full picture so we can better understand how our potential other half thinks.

So if any of you have questions you have for Ken (like how did you know Celes is the one? when did you know she is the one? How did you feel during the “interrogations”? etc.), then post them in reply to this comment thread!!

Update Sep 24 ’13: Okay, the questions section for Ken is now closed! Stay tuned for part five of the series where Ken will be answering your questions about love and our relationship! :)

Update Sep 29 ’13: The Q&A with Ken is now up! 😀 Read: Part 5: How Ken Realized I Was The One for Him (and Your Other Questions, Answered!)

Let me know what you guys feel about this latest part; I always love to hear from you!

Proceed to Part 5: How Ken Realized I Was The One for Him (and Your Other Questions, Answered!), where Ken answers your questions and shares his side of the story.

This is part 4 of my love series where I share my love journey, how I met my soulmate (Ken Soh), and how to attract authentic love into your life.

Images: Shots of Ken and I from our Glasgow Engagement Shoot, Kids running, Girl at window, Number padShocked baby, GrapesCigarette box