Ask Celes – How Can I Stop Feeling Lonely?

Ask Celes

How can I stop feeling lonely? ~ Helen

Hey Helen, to stop feeling lonely, understand what’s driving your feeling of loneliness.

Contrary to popular belief, loneliness has nothing to do with whether you are single or attached. You can be attached and feel lonely, just as you can be single and not feel lonely.

For example, I have friends who are/were attached and feel/felt highly neglected in their relationships. Even though they are/were with someone, they appear/appeared worse off than when they were single. On the same note, I have friends who are single but feel perfectly at ease with themselves, never once feeling like they are in a place of lack. They do not feel lonely despite being alone.

Loneliness — A State of Being

So if loneliness is independent of one’s companionship status, then what causes loneliness? I have come to learn from experience that loneliness is a state of being. It’s the result of an internal void that has yet to be addressed.

My Experience Dealing with Loneliness/Emptiness

For example, there were times in my past when I would feel a little empty; I wished I had someone in my life. I would watch movies and feel silent envy for the characters who find love by the end of the shows. I would think of conscious couples I know of in real life and feel happy for them, while wishing that I would meet someone for me at some point in the near future.

When I drilled into this wish, I realized that I was craving for love from another (the right guy, not just any guy). Going deeper, I realized that this desire, this craving, was a result of not loving myself enough. There was a part of me that was blocked off to love, which resulted in the emptiness feeling. I had hoped to fill the lack of love in me (an internal void) with love from someone else (an external entity).

Clearly, getting attached is not the solution. If I were to get attached to fill the emptiness, it would only create a disastrous relationship. Firstly, I would continue to feel empty whenever my partner was not around or when I feel that I was not getting the attention I want from him. Next, I would become dependent on him to feed me with love, resulting in a clingy, fear-based relationship, rather than being a complete individual living her life and becoming a better person through her relationship. Last but not least, the feeling of emptiness would resurface if I were to break up with my partner in the future.

Hence, it was more important that I resolve my internal void from within rather than get together with someone to fill the void, because the latter approach is not sustainable.

So, I worked on resolving this void. I delved into my lack of self-love, which included my body image issue and my poor self-image. I addressed these issues one at a time, as I had detailed in my body image series and my beauty article.

One thing I realized was that I was holding off from connecting with others because I was so immersed in my work and other life agenda. The heart part of me was starved. Rather than close myself from the world, I began to open my heart to others and get out there to make new connections with like minds.

I also recognized that there is no need to “find” love (not in the fear-based way), for love is everywhere around us—from a mother’s love for her child, to a couple’s love for each other, to a friend’s love for his/her friends, to a child’s love for his/her parents. I was unable to see this because I had been so one-tracked in my definition of love.

As I unraveled my self-love issues one at a time, I stopped feeling those moments of emptiness. While I might have an urge to get together with someone in the past, I became more grounded in my being. I began to see and feel completeness as myself, rather than look for romance to fill my void. I continued to be open to dating, not to fill a void, but to create a synergistic relationship with a conscious, compatible individual.

(More on synergistic relationships: Ask Celes – How Do You Manage Between Your Goals and Being with Your Partner?)

Deal with Your Internal Voids

If you are lonely, ask yourself: “Why am I lonely?”

Chances are you will uncover voids to be addressed. These voids can be a lack of self-love, a lack of fulfillment in your life, or a lack of self-confidence.

Identify these voids, then take steps to fill those voids by adjusting your self-beliefs and/or taking actions to create your desired reality.

For example, maybe you feel a void because you lack self-confidence. Maybe you feel ugly because you are overweight. You feel self-conscious whenever you are out with people, especially thinner people. If so, create a healthy diet plan and exercise regime and stick to them; at the same time, work through your internal body image issues. (Read: How To Develop a Positive Body Image (4-part series))

On the other hand, maybe your void comes from a lack of self-worth because you are not doing as well professionally relative to your peers. If so, take a proactive step in upgrading your work skills. Update your resume, talk to headhunters, and explore better career opportunities in the market. At the same time, know that your worth should not be tied to your professional success. Your worth exists independently as its own. (Check out my premium two-hour video webinar product on How To Achieve a 10/10 Self-Esteem—For Life!)

Or, perhaps you feel a void because you wish you have more confidants in life. If so, develop your social finesse. Expand your social circles. Make new friends and develop stronger friendships with your existing friends. (Read: How To Make Small Talk with Anyone in 5 Easy Ways10 Rules of a Great Conversationalist, 10 Useful Tips To Make New Friends, and How To Have More Best Friends in Life: The Heartfelt Guide)

Whatever your internal voids are, know that they can be addressed. Why? That’s because you are a being of abundance. You are born with a never-ending flow of love, energy, and power.

The reason for your internal voids isn’t because you come from a place of lack, but because you have misguided notions about yourself/the world. Once you truly realize that this world is not one of scarcity but one of abundance, your feeling of loneliness will naturally dissipate. You do not need a relationship, any relationship, to complete yourself, because you yourself are already complete.

Read:

Image: Question mark

This is part of the Ask Celes section. If you have a question to ask me, proceed to the Ask Celes page. Check out past Ask Celes questions here.

  • chen fei

    It’s quite easy to feel lonely in Singapore. :(

    • http://personalexcellence.co Celes

      Hope this post will come in handy then. :)

  • Mrs. Jones

    Celes, thank you for your miracle article. I needed to hear this. I was watching a wedding show recently and i sobbed so much wondering if i will ever end up with someone! Now, i realize i need to stop being lonely and feel complete.

    Please write an article on abundance.

    • http://personalexcellence.co Celes

      Hey Mrs. Jones, thank you so much for your comment. :) I’m not sure if you have read my article on vicarious living before — if not, you may find it highly useful. I talk about my experience watching romance shows before and how I was inadvertently living out my romantic desires watching those shows. I’ve since stopped (now I live my romance in real life) and I share how you can do that in that article.

      On abundance, do check out my article on social anxiety — I discuss the concept of scarcity and abundance with respect to relationships in great detail: http://personalexcellence.co/blog/social-anxiety/

  • http://www.CoachingWithChristina.com Christina

    Hi Celes,

    Great insights in this article! I love how clearly you break down the root of this question (and others). I always leave feeling empowered after reading your words! :)

    ~Christina

    • http://personalexcellence.co Celes

      Thank you Christina! I’m very glad that you felt that way after reading this piece! :D

  • JadePenguin

    I’d like to add one more thing. I always felt lonely because I have very different interests from most people. I was often wondering if I lacked social skills or if something was wrong with me because I couldn’t socialise. Eventually I realised it very much depended on the other people. Some groups simply were not on the same wavelength as me. I also don’t fit very well with British people (maybe they stick together more?) And other times, I’d have fantastic conversations with people who DID share my interests :)

    I’ve also come to take more joy in the things I feel passionate about. Even if most people don’t care, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t! It’s actually very easy to find folks to relate to on the Internet. And there’s nothing wrong with having many Internet friends – two of my best friends I have never met in real life but I love them to bits ^_^

    I used to think frequently when having a good time alone, “Wish I could share this moment with someone.” But why? It’s everyone else’s loss if they aren’t sharing this with me ;) Now I cherish my own company and the fact that I can find happiness alone :D

  • http://lifemosaique.wordpress.com/ Lina

    It’s easy to feel lonely. And what’s scary is that sometimes you’re even taken by surprise by loneliness, like you don’t feel lonely at all until one day it simply hits you, and you feel so empty.

    Again, I like the fact that you encourage readers to search the root-cause of what makes them feel lonely. I would have never thought that lower performances at work compares that those of your peers can make you feel lonely, but if you consider it for a moment, it’s totally understandable: when you’re not like the majority, chances are you’ll feel isolated and left out.

    On a different note, I’m glad you’ve decided to answer questions from PEers, it’s great to get information directly from you when you ask a specific question. :)

  • r.girija

    Dear celes, Yes. I m lonely. I am frustrated and irritated. Though I hammer my mind i am living for my only son (adopted) age 13, unable to think about the present. worried and scared about the past. terrified on each and every step. Though as a Principal of HIgher Secondary School, exteriorly,I manage extremely well. My interior cries a lot.

    • http://personalexcellence.co Celes

      Hey r.girija, I’m glad that you are aware of your inferior cries; this awareness is the first step to healing your soul’s injuries. Many people are not even aware when their soul is crying underneath.

      As recommended in the article, start by identifying what your voids are. Why are you lonely? Why do you feel lonely? Your loneliness stems from internal conflicts, not from external circumstances. Work through these voids one at a time (refer to the examples I’ve listed in the article). Doing so will gradually heal your soul from inside out and restore you into the magnificent being you have always been.

  • minoo

    you have no idea that how much i love this article! :*
    that’s exactly what i needed!
    thank you :)

    • minoo

      plz talk a little more about this subject!
      thanks again ;)

      • http://personalexcellence.co Celes

        Hey minoo, this article already shares everything I have to share regarding this topic. If you can be more specific about what you are looking for or what this article has yet to address that would be helpful. Thanks!

  • Nopal

    I found you via a pin of your Healthy Living Manifesto on pinterest and I’ve been reading your wonderful posts for hours now. Your material is so well thought-out, organized and written! Thank you so much for sharing. One question, though… why do you close the comments for each post so quickly? Reading your past posts prompted so many ideas and questions that I’d love to express. Thank you!

    • http://personalexcellence.co Celes

      Hey Nopal, thanks for your kind comments! :D I’m so glad that you have been enjoying the posts here. The comments section for each article is closed automatically after 30 days. Reason is to help me manage the comments better due to the high traffic and readership level for each post; otherwise I would have to spend a significant amount of my time reading, responding to, and moderating the comments, which would prevent me from getting to other higher-value tasks each day. You are more than welcome to post your comments to any of the recent articles though, or to simply share your feedback to the older posts to me via my Facebook page. :)

    • http://personalexcellence.co/ Celestine Chua

      The comments sections for all articles are now permanently open! Hope that helps, Nopal! :)

  • Helen

    Hi Celes,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question. I remember that when I wrote it I was in a miserable relationship, and deeply unhappy. It was clear looking back that I did have this void and was filling it with relationships. Then, when they weren’t working out I would become miserable and needy.

    Since ending that relationship I did a lot of digging and improving my life (even more with the beyond-fantastic 30BBM program!) now I feel so much better and complete and rarely feel lonely at all.

    I know i have more work to do though, and your article his given me some get new ideas :).

    Sending you loads of love from the UK! :) xx

  • http://www.positivewordsblog.com/ rachid

    My tips
    _Be content with yourself. Love yourself for the person you are, no matter if you are lonely. The world has room for a diversity of personalities.
    _ Stop being so lost in thoughts, instead look around and see what’s happening. Notice people and the environment, live in the moment, and stop worrying about being lonely.
    Thank you so much for this great artice

  • Abhi

    Good Post

More in Ask Celes
Ask Celes – How Do You Manage Between Your Goals and Being with Your Partner?

Dear Celes, I have been with my partner for ten years now. I know I have made lots of sacrifices...

Close